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How to Learn - 6/28/2007 6:26:13 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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well... we all began at sometime or other... and oh yes we have alot of different reasons/motivations to walk this path that we are walking. Understanding motivations and our self-awareness is indeed good stuff.

However, I wonder... how do we learn... what has worked for you... What Recommendations to learn would you give to a Newbie because of your incredible journey already. Hell... what recommendations to learn would you give to anyone.... even the Know it all!

What seems to work.. what has the higher probabilities... what has worked but it was by just luck or maybe alittle better..

How to learn in this lifestyle that we do?

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

Post #: 1

RE: How to Learn - 6/28/2007 6:59:14 PM

Aileen68

Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline

I follow my gut instincts and learn by doing. Hands on is the only way for me.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 2

RE: How to Learn - 6/28/2007 7:04:56 PM

lighthearted

Posts: 1165
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline

don't be afraid to try something you may have thought you wouldn't like; be open to trying new things with your partner.

_____________________________

"Thou art to me a delicious torment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 3

RE: How to Learn - 6/28/2007 7:05:55 PM

LadyHeart

Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I did my hard yards reading on the net, but the growth became exponential the moment I stepped out into the real world of play parties and munches. BDSM is about experiences. You can't learn it intellectually, it has to be done.
:))
LH

_____________________________

"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 4

RE: How to Learn - 6/28/2007 7:13:58 PM

SweetSarijane

Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline

How I've learned so far is mostly by experiencing and doing and watching/observing.

I've spent a lot of time reading the forums here and am in several bdsm yahoo groups, 3 of which are local. I've read on online sites and a few books such as The Loving Dominant and Consensual Sadomasochism among others.

All the reading and forums and online groups have been great and contributed a lot to my knowledge so far, but by far it's been the actual experiencing of things that's taught me the most. Almost everything that's been offered to me to experience, I've done and have very much enjoyed as well as learned things about myself in the doing.

The advice I do and will give to people is to read the non fiction books available, read and ask questions in groups and forums, get involved in your local kink community if you have one, go to demos, attend munches and parties and see what it's all about, see what interests you, turns you on, makes you burn. Play safe as in having safe calls, people who know where you are, who you're with, etc. Enjoy the journey and don't rush.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to Aileen68)

Post #: 5

RE: How to Learn - 6/28/2007 7:20:06 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

My first year of experience as a submissive was learning the hard way. The dominant (and I use the word loosely) was an uncaring jerk who frequently put me in harmful situations. And I, quite frankly, was an idiot.
After I was left alone in a motel room, bleeding vaginally, an hour’s drive from home, I had an epiphany; I have a brain and I needed to start using it!
I wouldn’t recommend the initial path I took, but I learned some valuable lessons, not the least of which that my safety comes first and foremost.
I took a step back, re-grouped and started talking with other submissives and dominants. Sharing thoughts and ideas, listening to other’s points of view helped me to see that this was supposed to be fulfilling rather than terrorizing.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 6

RE: How to Learn - 6/28/2007 7:26:36 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

I had had my kinky 'interests' since I was a child, but only had the occasional opportunities to indulge those interests.

After I made a 'commitment' to my interests (at 30), I was fortunate enough to find the right people to get myself invited to a day-long series-of-workshops followed by a play party in the evening. At that, I met a temporary play partner who ended up introducing me to my first live-in partner, and it went from there. Those series of events probably only took two or three months.

Right around that same time I started reading like a madman and collecting toys like crazy. It wasn't too long, a year or so, before I realized I was far more adept than the ordinary. But I would say that is because part of my 'needs' was to always have someone at hand that I could play with daily (if I weren't travelling).

I packed more 'real-time' in my first 10 years or so than most people will in their lifetime. Then I decided to get picky and I took some time off biding my time.

Now I'm off and running again for what should be the duration.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 7

RE: How to Learn - 6/28/2007 7:37:31 PM

Cloudz

Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline

Nice thread Knight,

Sorry, but my answer is probably boring. I read a lot, then when I was ready to take the plunge I spent time with like minded people with similar interests and values. I am still learning, but I have been blessed with awesome and creative friends who always have something interesting to talk about or try.

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 8

RE: How to Learn - 6/28/2007 7:37:33 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

I have learned and learn best by hands on. I keep an open mind and ask questions when I am curious about something. I like to be able to have the time to figure out some things on my own. I like to have guidance when needed. No matter how long I have been doing this I always find something else to learn.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 9

RE: How to Learn - 6/28/2007 7:39:01 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

For this slave, in general,she learns best visually and/or "hands-on" participation, in the flesh, not via a/v or some other digital media. the greatest and most challenging of all of her life lessons have come that way.

in the flesh...feeling the internal sting of the displeased owner or the pride and joy of a pleased owner that is standing right there in front of this slave is a darn handy learning tool, oftentimes words are wholly unecessary...the look is enough, the thickness in the air is clue, the atmosphere cools by degrees...it becomes a learning experience.

this slave would encourage everyone...know it all, or newbie, to experience things, in the flesh, not just rely on the inter-web or erotic novels read to one's self as THE source for your learning while you walk this path.

Oh...and one more thing, newbies and/or know-it-alls: get yourself to the Folsom Street Fair at least once in your life, even if you dress like a vanilla tourist with a camera---it's a phenomenal event, great people, as well as The Sisters that make sure good work is done in the community with the $$$ raised.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 10

RE: How to Learn - 6/28/2007 7:41:56 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

For me, it really has been my signature...and that's the advice I'd give.

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 11

RE: How to Learn - 6/28/2007 7:45:31 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

For Me, it is a combination of both, reading and hands on. Reading is usually for the intellectual, and the hands on is for actually learning a new skill. Using both gives Me the mental and the practical. I have to add here that I usually seek out those who are skilled in a craft, if I want to learn something in particular.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 12

RE: How to Learn - 6/28/2007 7:59:35 PM

Littlepita

Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline

I had the great blessing to meet the right dominant for me and together we have learned through reading lots of diverse material, becoming involved in our BDSM community, making lifestyle friends we respect, journaling, trial and error, and a tremendous amount of one on one communication between us. We go by what works for us and leave the rest on the curb.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 13

RE: How to Learn - 6/28/2007 8:14:09 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

For me it was a lot of try it and see what works and doesn't, fucking up and self-awareness to change for the future, and some REALLY great people along the way who helped me to see things in a new way- including online.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Littlepita)

Post #: 14

RE: How to Learn - 6/28/2007 8:30:34 PM

earthycouple

Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline

When I learn something completely new and potentially danger filled I choose to learn from someone I consider a "Master or expert" in that aspect. (Breath play and fisting comes to mind) Once I've watched this person I want to experience it at the hand of that person. I am a firm believer in never expecting something from someone I would not do myself. After I experience it I want to do it under the watchful eye of my "mentor". Once we are both satisified I've got it, then I'll move on to my slave in the privacy of my own home.

Beyond that type of learning...watching, listening, and keeping my mouth shut often help me learn. Once I hear and see I engage my "BS meter" and decide if what I've learned makes good sense and if it is practical for me and mine. I don't ever take anything for face value. I process it down myself by using my good instincts, knowlege base, and capability to reason before I accept anything as my truth.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 15

RE: How to Learn - 6/28/2007 8:37:26 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

The only thing I would recommend to others is to rely on your self; your own self-confidence; and your own instincts.

From my experience, those who are the most self reliant and self-confident; are the ones who manage to make the relationships work long term because they know what they want, and are willing to go an extra mile or two to get it.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 16

RE: How to Learn - 6/28/2007 8:42:51 PM

Calandra

Posts: 725
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline

I often share the "Desiderata" with new people, young, old, experienced and inexperienced:

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

_____________________________

Lady Kathryn
Athens, Ga.
House of Phoenix

"Nothing is ever final until you're dead - and even then I'm sure God negotiates" Anjelica Huston in Everafter

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 17

RE: How to Learn - 6/28/2007 8:56:06 PM

sublimelysensual

Posts: 298
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline

This is probably going to sound trite, but for me, it's what science indicates..reading (both on and off the net), watching/hearing (attending munches, workshops, demos), and actually doing with active participation. If I had to choose for someone new, I would probably say to do a lot of reading, and get involved with the local community, find out who's well respected and talk with them. I started off on the net and reading on my own, which I found very helpful once I actually became involved. I felt much more comfortable having a base of knowledge and not being completely "green" attending munches and such. Having said that, nothing I ever read or discussed online or off could hope to compare to actual experience.

-a

_____________________________

"To make oneself an object, to make oneself passive, is a very different thing from being a passive object." -Simone De Beauvoir -'The Second Sex'

(in reply to Calandra)

Post #: 18

RE: How to Learn - 6/29/2007 7:00:44 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Know yourself.
Trust your gut instincts.
Don't expect the other person to be a mind reader.
Talk it all over and then talk some more.

Most of all, there is no rush. You don't have to try it all today, you can come back and try something else tomorrow, next week, next month or next year. Don't go at a pace you know you aren't comfortable with. And a dom who insists you do things you know you aren't comfortable with? He isn't planning on being there next year or even next month or he wouldn't be pushing so hard to do it now.

(in reply to sublimelysensual)

Post #: 19

RE: How to Learn - 6/29/2007 7:59:39 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

I learned through several things.

The first wast through reading, a necessary first step for me so that I could realize that what I was doing with my boyfriends would be safer and more mutually satisfying if I admited it was Ds and SM and if I tried that SSC approach. It matched well with my overall ethics.

Then I had to seek out information on how to do particular things. We happen to move to NYC and we quickly joined a munch and TES. I helped found a university group with people I met at a munch. Because of the type of person I am I quickly became involved on several levels.

When I saw someone at a club who had skills I wanted to learn about, I approached them and asked them to teach me. Books can be good but for me they don't replace hands on approach. These people were my mentors, I was their apprentice though it usually didn't take me long to learn things probably because I had such good teachers and such personal time.

If there was some activity I wanted to learn to do safely and with greater control, I'd still use this approach. Frankly there really aren't more things I'd like to learn because I'm happy with the skill set I have.

I have been blessed by people who in turn have turned to me to learn from. I consider it part of my community duty to pass on what I learned to those who seem serious enough for my investment of time and energy. The same attitude I believe my own mentors had.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 20

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