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RE: How to Learn - 6/30/2007 9:45:31 AM   
denika


Posts: 619
Joined: 8/30/2005
Status: offline 		I'm a tactile learner, I started out by reading everything, talking to the friends I knew had a kinkier side- they were wonderful people and what they did worked for them but for them it was all about play-sensation no pain and I  was searching for somehting else. I didn't know what at the time but I did when I saw it.

Luck, right place-right-time and even right comment :)  got me to the place I needed to be and around the right people. I took a chance at an invitation and from there my life, our life took a new adventurous road.
Rob is not so much into the lifestyle, there are parts but in the begining he just smiled nodded and made sure I was safe.

I tend to jump in with both feet, my eyes were open and I trusted my heart, and head.
It's been an amazing journey, painful (and not in the fun way) at times but has been incredibly fulfilling  and has brought some incredible people into our lives
My best advise is listen to your head and heart, -common sense is paramount but don't hesitate, if you see someone doing something you like, wait till after the play-- but talk to them, ask questions-reach out. And most of all be youself.


denika

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: How to Learn - 6/30/2007 10:24:05 AM   
Grlwithboy


Posts: 655
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		1. Get off the web and go to some events/meetings. This does not make you what you are, it's not about the "street cred" but it's key to get out of your own head and find out what's out there.
2. What do you want to do? Know what you want. I had a trainer and this was what we focused on. I was 23. "What I want" has changed a LOT since then, but I know how to sit down and assess "what I want."
3. Your skillset is going to be compiled around your goals and wants. It's stupid for me to say "learn x thing" or "go to X event." For me it's incredibly important  to go to as many Shibari classes as possible, and also to try and cook up as many plausably deniable embarrassing experiences for a middle aged middle class male as I can imagine - those are the things that I really sink my teeth into. For someone else, they're totally irrelevant - but know how you want to play and how you want to live and invest your time, money, and attention accordingly.


(in reply to denika)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: How to Learn - 6/30/2007 1:04:16 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

well... we all began at sometime or other... and oh yes we have alot of different reasons/motivations to walk this path that we are walking.  Understanding motivations and our self-awareness is indeed good stuff.

However,  I wonder... how do we learn... what has worked for you... What Recommendations to learn would you give to a Newbie because of your incredible journey already.  Hell... what recommendations to learn would you give to anyone.... even the Know it all!

What seems to work.. what has the higher probabilities... what has worked but it was by just luck or maybe alittle better..

How to learn in this lifestyle that we do?


I've learned from these forums and I've learned a lot from other people. I seem to learn best when I'm actually interacting with others. I've also learned a lot from reading books about BDSM.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: How to Learn - 6/30/2007 3:19:29 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

How to learn in this lifestyle that we do?


My advice to dominants....

Take a firm hold of your head, give it a hard jerk, and pull it out of your own ass.

Just because you want to call the shots and feal you have some degree of enlightened wisdom and knowledge that makes you worthy of directing the course of another person's life doesnt mean you know everything or will know everything ever.

Life is a progressive course of new information and new facts. And just when you think you get a handle on things, just when you think you've "figured it all out", someone comes by and sucker punches you in the stomach with some amazing fact that "OMG I never thought of that before!"

At that point, the only question is if you can actually learn a lesson and improve or if your too caught up in your own heightened arrogance and hardhead to keep from repeating the same mistake twice...

I cant even count how many times I felt I had a good grasp on things (in this lifestyle or in normal life), thougt I knew what the hell I was talking about, only to have it shaken up, turned around, spun off on a tangent, or completely dismissed, leaving me in the uncomfortable position of having my own head up my own ass.

And...hey...if you take time to learn how to shut up and learn in the beginning, you'll handle it a lot better when your slave or submissive proves you wrong...



_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: How to Learn - 6/30/2007 3:43:05 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		How I learn is through multiple steps that are rather cyclic.  The first step is in listening and observing others.  I soak up all the information I can this way and let it sit in the back of my mind.  I spend time processing all the information and then I ask questions.  Usually when I ask questions I like to get answers from multiple people.  Then I go away and process the answers. 

The next step is to start putting into practice the information I have gathered and making it my own.  It becomes a part of me and I will often spend time writing out my new perspective.  Then it starts all over again by listening and watching... 

My recommendations for newbies is to get multiple perspectives on things and don't get caught up in the illusion that this is the answer to all that is missing in life.  Getting involved in the local community is sometimes a good thing and sometimes it is not.  It really depends on the group and their dynamics.  I prefer the larger weekend conventions because the variety of people can add depth to the information.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: How to Learn - 6/30/2007 3:47:12 PM   
Grlwithboy


Posts: 655
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

How to learn in this lifestyle that we do?


My advice to dominants....

Take a firm hold of your head, give it a hard jerk, and pull it out of your own ass.

Just because you want to call the shots and feal you have some degree of enlightened wisdom and knowledge that makes you worthy of directing the course of another person's life doesnt mean you know everything or will know everything ever.

Life is a progressive course of new information and new facts. And just when you think you get a handle on things, just when you think you've "figured it all out", someone comes by and sucker punches you in the stomach with some amazing fact that "OMG I never thought of that before!"

At that point, the only question is if you can actually learn a lesson and improve or if your too caught up in your own heightened arrogance and hardhead to keep from repeating the same mistake twice...

I cant even count how many times I felt I had a good grasp on things (in this lifestyle or in normal life), thougt I knew what the hell I was talking about, only to have it shaken up, turned around, spun off on a tangent, or completely dismissed, leaving me in the uncomfortable position of having my own head up my own ass.

And...hey...if you take time to learn how to shut up and learn in the beginning, you'll handle it a lot better when your slave or submissive proves you wrong...




Haha, so awesome. Yes. Humility and a sense of humor and wonder at the world are attractive things to have in your favor at any stage.


(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: How to Learn - 6/30/2007 6:02:21 PM   
EvilGeoff


Posts: 523
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
How to learn in this lifestyle that we do?


Kinda depends on the situation one finds themselves in... but first thing I would reccommend - read.  Read!  READ DAMMIT!

And not most of the romantic fantasy stuff or dumb ass BDSM porn crap you'll find on the internet.  Yes, there is good information on the internet but you have to sort through too much dross to get to the good stuff.  Nothing wrong with wanking material when you use it for WANKING.  Trying to base your relationships however, off of some dorknut's fantasy fuel is just not a terribly wise way of going about the task of building a relationship.  Read BOOKS about the subject.  A recent post about some good reading material for newbies - http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=1097320&key=

Get involved with others who walk the walk.  A local group.  A munch.  A social group.  Make friends, network, find someone to talk to, who can teach you, share ideas with you, etc. 

Watch.  Go to play parties, see how people practice what they preach.

Do.  Go to demos, workshops, pick up the toys and practice on pillows and yourself... once you develop a little skill... find a play partner willing to be your practice dummy...

You use what works for you and your partner, discard the rest.

YIK,
- Geoff

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: How to Learn - 6/30/2007 6:20:56 PM   
Phin


Posts: 1802
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline 		I started off with sticking to what I was comfortable with. My introduction to WIITWD was at a "BDSM shares space with goth" type atmosphere by someone that I thought very highly of, and still do. (Luck and what must be shear determination on the part of a higher power has kept us from scening together again) I stuck to that atmosphere for real life experiences. I signed up on CM and on other lesser BDSM forums and glened and pulled knowledge as much as I could.

Someone that I knew through other means was "outed" to me by a well respected (by most people) member of the local BDSM comunity that was WAAAAYYYYYY too drunk at a bar one night and would not shut up about things that probably should not have been discused in public. I overheard and pulled my friend off to the side after the drunken master had left and spoke to him. He invited me to a local group, so I became less involved with the goth BDSM (I never liked that music anyway) and more so with the groups.

I have met a few wonderful people that have taught me lots. I met a great sub through CM that allows me to experiment on her while having an experinced Dom over my shoulder. At my current stage of learning I crave feedback, and she goes nonverbal, which I thought was a bad thing at first, then came to realize that she is forcing me to look elsewhere for the feedback that I want.

I throughly enjoy the learning process and I hope to continue learning untill the day I die. I will be learning some more this weekend, I have a quite extensive scene planned that includes wax, ginger, and pretty much anything else I can get my hands on...

As for my toybag, I feel as though that it is less about what is there, and more about the hands that hold the toy. I do believe that it is quite impressive for someone that has been involved for just over a year.

_____________________________

"Isn't wonderful when our bruises show what we hide in the back of our heads?"Fayetteville band, Nephilym

"He is my angel, my devil, my naughty boy, but above anything else my Master"My girl sin

(in reply to Grlwithboy)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: How to Learn - 6/30/2007 8:41:26 PM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Grlwithboy

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

How to learn in this lifestyle that we do?


My advice to dominants....

Take a firm hold of your head, give it a hard jerk, and pull it out of your own ass.

Just because you want to call the shots and feal you have some degree of enlightened wisdom and knowledge that makes you worthy of directing the course of another person's life doesnt mean you know everything or will know everything ever.

Life is a progressive course of new information and new facts. And just when you think you get a handle on things, just when you think you've "figured it all out", someone comes by and sucker punches you in the stomach with some amazing fact that "OMG I never thought of that before!"

At that point, the only question is if you can actually learn a lesson and improve or if your too caught up in your own heightened arrogance and hardhead to keep from repeating the same mistake twice...

I cant even count how many times I felt I had a good grasp on things (in this lifestyle or in normal life), thougt I knew what the hell I was talking about, only to have it shaken up, turned around, spun off on a tangent, or completely dismissed, leaving me in the uncomfortable position of having my own head up my own ass.

And...hey...if you take time to learn how to shut up and learn in the beginning, you'll handle it a lot better when your slave or submissive proves you wrong...




Haha, so awesome. Yes. Humility and a sense of humor and wonder at the world are attractive things to have in your favor at any stage.




Yep, this is something I can agree with, also.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to Grlwithboy)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: How to Learn - 6/30/2007 8:54:17 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		Walk through life with eyes and ears wide open!!

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: How to Learn - 6/30/2007 10:26:02 PM   
Vargus


Posts: 24
Joined: 11/24/2005
Status: offline 		Most of the thing that i have learned I had to do on my own. Because I live in a rual area a long way from where things happen. So most of my learning has been from books, and from a few VCR and DVD how to videos. I find them to be very useful. The DVD and book combo put out by Dem-Lab Studios are favourites of mine.

     But would also agree with what some people have said all ready, " Get off line get out to munches and events meet people."

   Recently a very experienced Dom and sub have moved to a city close to my location and they hold regular munchs and it has been a marvelous change in fortune for me and many others.



      

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: How to Learn - 6/30/2007 10:38:48 PM   
Grlwithboy


Posts: 655
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		Oh, this is really unpopular of late, but I swear by it. At least if you have any interest whatever in SM beyond the psychological.

Dom/mes:

bottom.

Yeah, it's not a LOVE FEST for me, believe me. But it's a lot more informative and a much harder faster pipeline to empathy than trying to get around it. If you're totally traumatized by it, obviously don't, but be honest with yourself about whether you're traumatized or just intimidated by the notion. You may find it's more enjoyable than you thought, too.

I learned more pushing myself out of my comfort zones here than I ever did reading anything.


< Message edited by Grlwithboy -- 6/30/2007 10:40:24 PM >

(in reply to Vargus)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: How to Learn - 6/30/2007 10:54:49 PM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		I've learned that people can't be taken at face value. I've learned that people lie about who they are and what they want and what they have to offer. I have learned this by being who i am, someone pretty trusting. If you tell me something i am going to believe you. This used to cause me no anxiety, I can't say that anymore. I'm afraid i have become a little gun shy. these recent past experiences are still sore bruises on my heart. I try very hard not to let baggage interfere with my growth and my new relationship i am in now. Thats what i have learned....and I learned it by being me, true to who i am, and putting myself out there.
I am so happy to hear that you and your Mistress are doing so well considering. Thankyou for sharing your experiences.


_____________________________

*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

(in reply to Grlwithboy)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: How to Learn - 7/1/2007 12:32:34 AM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		Read, listen, chat, and try anything that sounds interesting.

(in reply to imthatacheyouhav)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: How to Learn - 7/2/2007 4:26:37 AM   
pussinbootz


Posts: 40
Joined: 6/27/2007
Status: offline 		For me, the things I found most useful were:

Find a local munch.  If, like me, you're not into casual play or play parties, munches are a great way to meet people, learn from real people what is out there and how to be safe.  I also found the acceptance of the people at the munch went a long way towards me accepting my kink.

After that, to a sub/bottom I would suggest, try some of the stuff on your own.  Put the clothes pins on yourself and see how they feel, try the hot wax on your own.  It may not be hawt for you, but at least you'll know if you like it and what to expect.  That way, when you meet your first top/dom you know that you are totally ok with some of the stuff so you can tell if they know what they are doing or not.

To a top/dom, try the stuff you're gonna be doing on yourself... so you know how it feels when you do it to your sub... if you don't understand the toy you are using how can you use it safely?

And, like many other people have said.. join the online groups.  They have been really useful in simply learning what there is out there.. some fof it may freak you to start with.. but after a while you will become more relaxed and open to new ideas.

All of those things have made my path a lot easier, now that I have MM I am able to be aware of what I want and where I want to go with this.

Puss


_____________________________

In life I am his equal... in the bedroom, his collared sub.

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: How to Learn - 7/2/2007 5:00:41 AM   
spankmepink11


Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline 		I started out reading all i could on the subject, this was only after a few long, probing conversations with a friend who i discovered was dominant.  He didn't flat out tell me i was submissive, instead, directed me to a couple of websites stating that they would "explain alot about my state of being" and to assure me that i was not alone in the way i felt. 
 It wasn't a "hey this BDSM stuff sounds fun, i think I'll be a submissive" , it was more a sense of validation, that i was not strange or totally abnormal, and that others have the same drives,  and desires.  Self acceptance and self knowledge were really the first steps for me.
Although I've  not been active with the local munch for a few years, i also gave that a try.  I was actually pretty disappointed.  The whole experience left a bad taste in my mouth.  The women were most interested in gossip, and striving to be the "subbliest of them all" ,  and the men seemed to be only interested in acquiring fresh meat .    Large regional events have been the most educational for me, that and my relationships with Dominants, none of whom were met at the local munch.

I've been on other BDSM type sites and most seem to resemble the local munches, (in a virtual sense)  and though CM has it's faults (ie..insincere folks. ..etc.)  I've learned a great deal here as well.

(in reply to pussinbootz)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: How to Learn - 7/2/2007 5:09:56 AM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		This is my sexuality and I don't have sex with just anyone.
So for me I have to find the right person before I can explore what it is that will be satisfying for us both.
A relationship takes time and commitment to develop.
From my experience very few male subs want a committed relationship they just want to experience the 'play' not live the life.
If it isn't an equal partnership then one person is abusing the other and it isn't always Dom/mes that abuse.
Admittedly it is much easier to suss people out in real time but it's also quite a commitment just to travel to meet people. Especially when you are not sure that the other person is actually going to turn up.
Travelling to a munch is time consuming and it's highly unlikely to find someone who is 'right' for you in all essential ways and it's also a lot harder to talk honestly about sexuality in a room full of people.
Whereas on the net it's easier for them to admit to what they really need.
It seems that male subs have been so knocked by fem Doms for wanting sex that they dare not admit it.
We don't actually live in the 1950's any more women can and do admit that they need sex. However what men need to learn is that there are acceptable ways of talking about sex with a woman and there are other ways that are not acceptable. 
For male subs as in all other things be guided by the Domme in question. And for sub women if you don't like the way he talks to you then don't meet him. However of course he could be covering up who he really is so take your time.

(in reply to pussinbootz)
Profile   Post #: 37
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