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RchmdServiceNeed -> RE: no safe-out (7/2/2007 9:42:59 AM)
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1. You can still trust and love your Dom an have a safeword. Giving up a safeword doesn't mean you love/trust him more and shouldn't be a measure of such. I hope that it not his thinking/goal.
2. A safeword is not something that should be used often anyway. The idea that in the no-safe scene "he would be the one stopping play" -- Unm, he should ALWAYS be the one stopping play. If you are the one always stopping play and "safe-wording" it is NOT YOUR FAULT -- it is his fault for not controlling the scene, responding to you, knowing your limits/etc.
A "Safe-word" is not a choice. Not a "preference." Not a "i'd rather not do this" -- It means -- "I will/feel I will Die if things continue." It is extreme and a last resort. The parachute example was kind-of good in that respect.
If you safe-word a lot, you need to have more discussion with him about your physical/emotional needs/desires and his and consider the possability that whille you may love him, his needs may be more extreme than yours and ya'll might not be compatible on an activities level.
That is okay.
Neiher of you are good or bad, but you should not be [or being made to] safe-word on a routine basis. That shows a lack of care, concern, and communication before-hand, NOT a measure of your devotion or love.
3. What does he want to do to/with you that he is so scared you will safeword/ say no to that he needs to get the guarantee beforehand???
*That* is what I would be asking.
If it wasn't bad, he wouldn't need that guarantee, right? IF it was something you would normally like or enjoy giving/serving him with, why does he need to take away your ability to stop under extreme circumstances??
How does HE know he is able to read your need enough??? [as a Dom, I am glad my subs have safe word, I would not want to hurt them and I may be so into something as to miss a sign...] ................ or is he even concerned with your needs in the first place with what he has in mind [ie: is that the point of no-safe word] ?
It's kinda like asking someone for a favor and making them commit before you tell them what it is............................ you pretty much only do that when you think they would say no if they knew what it was first!
That to me is what makes this creapy and suspect.
If you have so few limits anyway, what is so great that can not be discussed? What is so great that he is scared to do it on you if he thinks you might say no???
Talking about it will take out the creap factor, possibly dispeal some of your fears and help you learn to trust him.
If he is trying to build trust, he should have no problem taking steps with you to help you trust him.
4. If you do decide to do this, consider other ways to take small steps and work up. If you are fearful, it will not be a good situation for either of you in your relationship.
This is about building trust, not taking it away.
Try limiting play to shorter amounts of time, whatever you are comfortable with. --- Like "no limits play".... for 15 minutes, or 20 minutes.
You can eventually work up to whatever length of time you normally play as things grow. Nothing happens over night, it doens't have to be all or nothing.
If you don't like it, at least you know "it will only last 10 more minutes" or whatever and then you will have a change to discuss/give feedback, etc., take a break, or just enjoy it without being scared of what is comming next.
This will also reduce the possibility of being in a truly bad situation were you feel helpless or abused.
This will make him more successful as well and creates opportunity for feedback which will make both of you more comfortable.
And you less fearful and learn and probably love and look foreward to this type of play!
Another suggestion would be to take other small steps like okay, no limit play but only in a certain room, or only with certain toys/things, or he can pick 3 objects/toys but that is it and if you agree to "no-limits" at least you know a little more of what you are agreeing to.
It's all about steps to build.
This might not be the play he wants, it might not be the play he invisioned, but to get to that type of play, you have to buld steps of trust.
It is unlikely one would jump off a 50 foot diving board, even if they know how to swim.
But, the might jump off a 10 foot diving board and work their way up.
I would isolate the things you are really scared of [time? toys? pain amount? activities?] and try to scale things down into steps to help work yourself up to things later.
I think any good Dom would appreciate the effort and be more than willing to help proove his willingness to help you grow and trustworthiness.
It is normal to feel scared about no-safe word, even if you really love the person.
Take baby steps by defining time, activities, toys, people, etc, & work up to being the sub he wants you to be as much as you can.
BUT, know yourself enough to know when you have reached your limit. Everyone's kinks may not be compatible as they grow and sometime's one person's interests take on an intensity the other person does not desire.
Some people will never want to do certain things.
You still love him, and its okay.
Last thought: If YOU don't "know" his motivations.......... there isn't ANY reason to give up hte safeword, lol. Kind of the irony in it all that forget "him knowing you" -- what about "you knowing him"?
And if you don't know..... asking, feeling comfortable with discussion, yourself, and open and honest communication is the only situation in which a safe-word should be given up.
Also -- Ahhhh -- What do *YOU* want?
What type of play is attractive to you?
I mean, techically, I could eat brussle sprouts for 7 days and never "safe-word" but why would I want to? It doesn't really do anything for me, nor it is a desire of mine..........
He may have desires that do not match yours.
But the only way to find that out is to thik about what you want, what you are looking for, the ways in which YOU are trying to grow-- so that you can find the right dom for you too. :)
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