RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub

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RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time... - 6/24/2007 11:30:49 AM

kyraofMists

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Some questions for you to ask yourself and maybe have a jumping off point with your husband...

What is submission to you?
What do you need to be fulfilled in your submission?
What do you need to be fulfilled in your relationship?
What does he need to be fulfilled in the relationship?
What is submission to him?

For me, to submit means to follow the will of another. I submit to him by doing what he wants. If that means that he wants me to be wife then I am submitting to him by being a mainstream wife (those who have caught any of my posts on marriage know that I have zero desire to ever be married).

However, being a mainstream wife would not be fulfilling for me in my submission. One thing that fulfills me and gives me that spark as a submissive is active use of authority on his part. Following commands and instructions makes me feel good and gives me peace. The role of mainstream wife would deny me this aspect that is a pleasure for me. There are also other pleasures in submission that I would not get by being a mainstream wife and fulfilling this role for him would be a challenge for me.

I think in our relationships there has to be a balance between the things that give us pleasure, the things that we are indifferent to and the things that challenge us. If a relationship is filled with too many things that challenge and not enough of the pleasures then it will not be a very satisfying or rewarding relationship.

Identify your pleasures, challenges and things you are indifferent to. Recognize what you need to be fulfilled and can you and your partner make that happen in your relationship?

Knight's Kyra

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"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to BeingChewsie)

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RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time... - 6/24/2007 11:31:34 AM

GhitaAmati

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Joined: 5/30/2007
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quote:

Isn't, "makes it sound like the Dom is coming up with the idea..not you", an example of "topping from the bottom"? It sounds to me like trying to manipulate the situation.

please see above post trying to clarify this...

quote:

my Master is more than happy to hear His slave say that she wishes to receive a beating from Him but, it will only happen when He decides to do it, not when i say i want it.

While sometimes it is very hard for me to say exactly what I want, I agree that my husband likes to hear what it is that I want, although he doesnt always do what I ask, he likes for me to say it. althouth I know that..it doesnt always make it any easier..and as showcased by last nights confusion, communication problems do arise!

For me personally...I understand that what works in one household doesnt necesarily work in another, and lots of different people are into this lifestyle at different levels, I was just curious how others had handled this difference when it occured in their own relationship. I am spending the day trying to get an idea of how to sit down with him and discuss what happened last night, was wondering if anyone else had similar situations, their ideas and thoughts, and I have honeslty enjoyed the difference of opinions I have seen come forth, both on here and in alot of private emails.

ghita amati

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RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time... - 6/24/2007 11:32:51 AM

slavegirljoy

Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BeingChewsie

quote:

It sounds to me, as though you aren't happy with the way your Dom/husband is choosing to Dominate you

So now not wanting a woman to be submissive to you is dominating them? People can rationalize the hell of out anything I guess.

i didn't say that. i said that i am always submissive to my Master and He is always Dominant over me, no matter what it is that i'm doing.

But, i do believe that choosing when, where, how often, how long and how to play is a choice that my Master makes and it's up to me to accept that choice as His and to live by it. It sounded to me as though her wants and expectations about being Dominated was different from how her husband was choosing to Dominate her. i might have misread what she wrote.

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slave joy
Owned property of Master David

"..and those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music."
-- F. Nietzsche

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RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time... - 6/24/2007 11:40:12 AM

GhitaAmati

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quote:

It doesn't sound to me like he is choosing to dominate her at all. He is saying he wants the opposite, he wants to "top" in play, but expects her to be his equal when they hit the door and not be submissive to him.

Thank you for saying that so consisely...yes...this is exactly what is happening.

ghita amati

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RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time... - 6/24/2007 12:39:41 PM

sunlitflames

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati

How do i explain to him that my mind takes time to shift from one thing to another. "wife and mother" is a compleatly different state of mind from "submissive" and I cant flip it like a switch..and I dont know how to explain to him the things my mind goes through during and after a scene.

this transition time is normal... and it can be a few minutes to a few hours or even longer ... depends on how hard you've played... depends on alot of things. it's the body's mental and physical response to what you've experienced..... some of it is just recovering from the endorphin rush... many are pretty nonverbal during this time... it's normal.

you may not be able to explain so that he can understand exactly what you're feeling... but he can understand that there is a certain amount of time that it takes you to reorient ... it happens as it happens. does he provide aftercare for you... even better - do you provide aftercare for each other? he may feel uninvolved in the transition time... i know couples who have an aftercare routine that they both enjoy... you need to find what works for you... and as many have said, communication is the key. good luck

< Message edited by sunlitflames -- 6/24/2007 12:42:26 PM >

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RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time... - 6/24/2007 4:25:33 PM

slavegirljoy

Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati

quote:

It doesn't sound to me like he is choosing to dominate her at all. He is saying he wants the opposite, he wants to "top" in play, but expects her to be his equal when they hit the door and not be submissive to him.

Thank you for saying that so consisely...yes...this is exactly what is happening.

ghita amati

This is why i said, "It sounds to me, as though you aren't happy with the way your Dom/husband is choosing to Dominate you", (which as you said, is only at play parties.) You want and/or expect to be Dominated in a way that is different from how your husband is Dominating you, or not Dominating you, as the case may be. It sounds as though that is the only part of your relationship that's causing you any concern.

Some partners in a relationship have different interests and different ways of enjoying their interests. Some will have an interest in BDSM as nothing more than a weekend play session once a month or so. And, that's all they will ever want from it, with no interest in living it or taking it home with them. For some couples, one partner wants more from BDSM than the other one and they find a way to work this sort of difference out and are very happy together.

Like has been said elsewhere in this thread, you can still be submissive to your husband, even when you aren't actively playing. Being the wife and mother that your husband wants you to be is a way of serving him and being submissive to him. But, if what you are wanting is more BDSM activity and he doesn't, that's another issue.

Like i said, i have no idea how to "switch off" being a slave, in order to be a mom, or to "switch off" being a mom, in order to be a slave. i don't compartmentalize myself that way. i'm just me all the time. i am always my Master's slave no matter where i am or what i'm doing. i couldn't stand living any other way. That is why i chose to seek out a Master who wanted a 24/7 TPE, live-in slave. That is the way i need to live. But, if He chooses to not tie me up or whip me for a period of time, that's up to Him and i accept it.

i know everyone's household isn't run the same way, which is why i can't really offer you any advice other than to say that asking yourself what it is that you want and expect and need from your relationship and talking with your husband about it is the only way i know of to try to find a resolution.
____________
slave joy
Owned property of Master David

"..and those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music."
-- F. Nietzsche

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RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time... - 6/24/2007 4:58:53 PM

LadyHeart

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This sounds to me like something we went through too. I put it down to "Dom space". After a scene I am relaxed and internalized and very "sub" while the Master is rushing round on a high, and we are worlds apart in where our heads are. It took time for us to learn to adapt to this difference in our "spaces" after a scene, but if you communicate about it, a half way point can be reached. We also combine D/s with a real time marriage. It's not always easy, but talking our way through our differences has brought us closer and closer together. Had you thought about this being the problem? It might be that simple.
:))
LH

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