BeingChewsie
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Joined: 10/27/2005
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I understand what you are talking about, I had a similiar relationship with an an ex-spouse(he was ultimately just trying to please me). I would find this very difficult myself. I am submissive, so turning that off and just being wife would leave me asking" what do you mean?"..and I would ask. It sounds like he wants an equal peer except in the occasional play and you want a relationship that is something at least somewhat different. It is a tough spot to be in. One many women find themselves in. You can't submit in a vacuum, serving isn't submitting, if it were his being dominant wouldn't matter at all, you could just do for him all the time be fufilled.
You can't force him to be someone he isn't. You will not be able to force yourself to be someone you are not, without seriously working at it, probably for the rest of yout life. The question for both of you may be how important is it to live authentically(to be who you are) in your most personal and intimate relationships? For some people it is more important to do so than to do anything else, for some people less so. Once you figure that out, then you can work on compromising or whatever you guys decide to do.
Good luck.
quote:
ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati
This is my first thread to start, and I dont know if its going to make sense to anyone, but here goes.
I know Ive posted quite a bit on this forum lately, fairly recent member, but 90% of the time, when Im answering a question about a D/s relationship, I talk about my previous relationship and discuss that Sir, and not my current. I have been active in the lifestyle, mainly in the Leather community, for almost 10 years. About three years ago I took a step back and began concentrating on other aspects of my life, and during that time met a wonderful man, got married, and had two children with him. We have a wonderful partnership, we talk openly about everything, he's a great father to the children we've had together and he legally adopted my older son right after we got married and is raising him as his own. I knew when I met him that he wasnt into the Lifestyle, although he had been around it for many years, had been to play parties with previous girlfriends who we into it, and was generally open to, with some definantly Dominant tendancies in his personality. Ive slowly begun to realize how much I miss the lifestyle, and have talked about it with him. Over the past year, we have gone to munches, play parties, and demos, weve bought many books that we have read together and talked about, he has begun to let other Doms teach him things, he asks questions, gets involved, and is generally really enjoying his delve into this lifestyle.
Where's my problem then? He wants to be a Dom at the munches and play parties, but expects me to "turn off" being a sub when we get back home. Told me last night that when we walk in our front door he wants his wife back, not a submissive. After going through a scene last night at a play party, a rather heavy one, my mind still hadnt compleatly cleared by the time we got home several hours later..i was kind of interested in continuing our play at home (and yes..we have played at home in the bedroom...as play..not really the mental side of D/s). The kids were gone for the entire night to a cousins house, adn I thought it would be a good opportunity to have some time to ourselves. As I was still in the submissive mindset...I guess I wasnt as vocal about exactly what I wanted as I could have been...growing up in the lifestyle I was kinda tought that you find a way to express your desires in a way that makes it sound like the Dom is coming up with the idea..not you. Well, it kinda made him upset..told me if I wanted him to beat me I should have just said so and he was tired of always having to take the initiative, didnt want a submissive at home, it was fun to play at the parties but we were home now and i should just be his wife again.
How do i explain to him that my mind takes time to shift from one thing to another. "wife and mother" is a compleatly different state of mind from "submissive" and I cant flip it like a switch..and I dont know how to explain to him the things my mind goes through during and after a scene.
ghita amati
< Message edited by BeingChewsie -- 6/24/2007 11:10:08 AM >
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"In fact, it is my contention that most women are accepting of way less than optimal circumstance constantly, and are lucky to be 'snagged' by the right man, if ever. But it is more by happy accident than by their design. "
~Ron and Hup
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how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub - 
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