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Professional People into the Scene - 6/11/2007 10:27:57 PM

iwillobeysir

Posts: 10
Joined: 2/3/2007
Status: offline

Are there many professional people here? I *don't* mean professional doms; I mean doctors, lawyers, educators, clergy, politicans, etc.   How do you find partners on CollarMe without jepordizing your practice, clients, etc.?

I have a longstanding sub streak, but haven't been able to bring it forward for fear of publicity.   Now, don't get me wrong; I would never consider a relationship with anyone who is a client or constituant, or anything that would be illegal or unethical.

But even trying to establish some conversation here....if someone responds to my profile, I'm not sure that I even want to reveal my true occupation. I enjoy what I do for a living and I do it well. I want to keep doing it.   In starting to get to know someone, what one does for a living is going to be one of the first questions asked. It's easy to run into a weirdo in the cyber world and I don't want to do anything that could possibly leave me open to blackmail, etc in the future.

So, how do folks who are in "the public eye" in the vanilla world mange to do what they do privately, without fear of being exposed?

Post #: 1

RE: Professional People into the Scene - 6/11/2007 10:42:18 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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It takes care, but is not impossible, to keep your sex life private. You have to evaluate what the risks are and make decisions from there, but ultimately I think many do very well at keeping their BDSM sides private and behind closed doors.

I have a normal career and spent the first 5+ pretty much "in the bdsm closet." Once I had established enough credibility among my peers, it wasn't a big deal to me anymore and I figured if people found out, so what. Over the course of a few years people did find out - and guess what? So what. I think if you are secure in your career and valuable, there's no real scandal if you just shrug and go "So? Who cares?" Of course, it's probably a lot easier as a femdom, whereas a male sub might get some scrutiny.

I also work in a field where a combination of creativity and relentless ambition are pretty important traits, and those that know of my kinky side see it as an extension of my "would never settle for average" style of living. I remember when word got out at that point my career there was a tiny bit of hubub and office gossip, but it died down pretty quickly and the fallout was women coming privately to me now and then asking for advice because their guys had expressed an interest in kink.

I'll add that it also never became a problem because I never, ever, ever mixed business with pleasure. You run into problems when you have office affairs, people find out your kinky, you break up, and they spill the beans. There was no dirt on me because I never dated a co worker or got crazy, nasty on the road with horny sales guys. That would have destroyed my career and my credibility in a heartbeat, and that's where I think people run into trouble.

Akasha

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Post #: 2

RE: Professional People into the Scene - 6/11/2007 11:00:37 PM

LadyHeart

Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I agree with what's already been said, and would add that it's also about attitude. We have hosted play parties for a few years now, and they have been attended by dentists, nurses, teachers, policemen and even a political speech writer, all of whom had reasons for wanting to keep their activities from becoming public knowledge. If you project fear, then you attract those who feed on it. If you project integrity and respect, then that's what you tend to get back. I do not know of anyone who ran into problems at work because of their association with our group. Provided you associate with people you feel rapport with, then "outing" is not something to fear, as everyone else is in the same boat.
:))
LH

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Post #: 3

RE: Professional People into the Scene - 6/11/2007 11:43:15 PM

RealDom69

Posts: 64
Joined: 4/7/2005
Status: offline

OK I'm curious............ love to know what you do, probably not as interesting as all the jobs i've just imagined.......

Good luck

:))
Johnny reble

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Post #: 4

RE: Professional People into the Scene - 6/12/2007 2:30:07 AM

ExSteelAgain

Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline

Unless you are a governor or something super prominent, you are making way too much out of thinking others would out you. Many people in the scene and here on CM have important positions and keep this side away from their colleagues. There are doctors and lawyers here and no one is trying to track them down to out them.

Those in the scene are no worse than those in vanilla life and not likely to blackmail you. That is a crime in any case. I assume you want to find someone to play with privately eventually and that means getting to know and trust someone as in any relationship. For public play why tell anyone what you do? People don’t usually ask that at public events.

By the way, I noticed on your profile that you are a gay male. Haven’t you always had to deal with the privacy issue?

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Post #: 5

RE: Professional People into the Scene - 6/12/2007 2:31:23 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Johnny, You are wicked LOL! But then, I've known that for a few years. However, following from the previous comments, I've found "what do you do for a living?" ISN'T asked so much in bdsm circles as it is understood that most of Us have private lives that need to remain just that. People are much more interested in whether you are sub or Dom! If a prospective sub told Me he was in a profession where discretion was paramount, then I wouldn't ask him to reveal more, especially not for acquaintance or casual play partner level of knowledge. If he was to become My 24/7 slave then obviously, I would need to know all about it, but by then the trust would be such that he would know he could tell Me all ... and he would also know about Me and what I do, and why I am careful about My career. That said though, this could reach some of My colleagues' ears and it would be just a curiosity (and I can imagine a spirited Q & A session!) ... it's more if it reached those in authority who don't know Me personally that it could do damage.

Maam Jay

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Post #: 6

RE: Professional People into the Scene - 6/12/2007 3:19:42 AM

sleazybutterfly

Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
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I have met military, politicians, police, lawyers, professors..etc.. all on here. I think that people just trust me, so they find it easy to open up. I have never revealed anything about anyone. I think you need to choose someone carefully, get to know them, and then open up to them that way...maybe feel them out first. I think that most people understand needing privacy through this medium, but if it goes further...I am sure they also expect you to trust them and open up. Until there is something formed there, perhaps even meeting, I would guard anything that I chose to from the person I was conversing with. There is always a chance that something could go sour, and you could pay the price if someone wanted revenge. I honestly could end the profession of someone that wronged me if I wanted to. I think he should be glad that I can't, nor would I choose to go down to his level.

Just be cautious (in other words).

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Post #: 7

RE: Professional People into the Scene - 6/12/2007 4:21:45 AM

wandersalone

Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline

I just took my photo off my profile as I realised that I haven't read my work codes of conduct recently. Hopefully I will read them and find that my paranoia was unfounded.

I have met a person at a bdsm event that I had originally met at professional development courses and that was fine if not a little confusing at first - picture open mouths, finger pointing and exclamations of 'oh my god, you too!?!'

That was a couple of years ago.

I tend to be a bit general about my work until I feel comfortable with someone and I do not feel the need to discuss the specifics with people that I am in casual contact with. Take your time getting to know people and trust your instincts. All the best.

ps. Hiya Johnny, it is great to see you posting in the forums!

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(in reply to iwillobeysir)

Post #: 8

RE: Professional People into the Scene - 6/12/2007 10:16:06 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

Daddy is a respected psychiatrist and has a well-established practice ...that being said He doesn't need to tell His clients, colleagues, etc about His activities beyond the office because it's none of their business in the first place. what Daddy and i share is kept privately and far away from public eye as it should be - mho. even when i call His office, i don't identify myself as "daughter" or "submissive" - i use my and His real names when speaking to the secretary.

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(in reply to iwillobeysir)

Post #: 9

RE: Professional People into the Scene - 6/12/2007 11:06:56 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Didn't we just have a similar thread to this less than a month ago?

I'm finishing my PhD in ancient history and teaching at the college level in the mundane world. This nothing more to do with my personal life than any other aspect of my personal life -- I do my research and teach. Why would my historical colleagues and students need to know more?

I'm a published SM erotica author in the still rather mundane world too. Obviously it is a much stronger factor here but sorry to burst anyone's bubble but authors don't control everything about their book once it is published so I'm not a big bad dom in my publishing either.

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 6/12/2007 11:08:44 AM >

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(in reply to iwillobeysir)

Post #: 10

RE: Professional People into the Scene - 6/12/2007 11:16:23 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillobeysir

Are there many professional people here? I *don't* mean professional doms; I mean doctors, lawyers, educators, clergy, politicans, etc.   How do you find partners on CollarMe without jepordizing your practice, clients, etc.?

I have a longstanding sub streak, but haven't been able to bring it forward for fear of publicity.   Now, don't get me wrong; I would never consider a relationship with anyone who is a client or constituant, or anything that would be illegal or unethical.

But even trying to establish some conversation here....if someone responds to my profile, I'm not sure that I even want to reveal my true occupation. I enjoy what I do for a living and I do it well. I want to keep doing it.   In starting to get to know someone, what one does for a living is going to be one of the first questions asked. It's easy to run into a weirdo in the cyber world and I don't want to do anything that could possibly leave me open to blackmail, etc in the future.

So, how do folks who are in "the public eye" in the vanilla world mange to do what they do privately, without fear of being exposed?

I think until you are past the first date I don't think you need to reveal the details of your profession. I think you can talk about what you do in really vague terms until you feel comfortable divulging details like specific titles and specific organizations.

C~

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Post #: 11

RE: Professional People into the Scene - 6/12/2007 11:26:04 AM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
I'm finishing my PhD in ancient history and teaching at the college level in the mundane world. This nothing more to do with my personal life than any other aspect of my personal life -- I do my research and teach. Why would my historical colleagues and students need to know more?

I've just started my doctoral research in rhetoric, and being outed is something I am a little concerned with. It may be different in your field, but at least half the people in my program have a feminist/women's studies background or their research field in rhetoric is from a feminist critical space.

Being a feminist doesn't make you automatically condemning of BDSM--I'm a feminist in the big tent sense--but I just don't know how my program director, my advisor, my fellows, would react if they knew I dominated and hurt women. I would imagine a decent chunk of them would see me as an abusive misognynist.

So I'm not hiding, but I sure as heck don't want to be outed there.

_____________________________

True masters, true subs and slaves, X many years in the lifestyle, Old Guard this and High Protocol that--it's like a convention of D&D nerds were allowed to have sex once, and they decided to make a religion out of it.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 12

RE: Professional People into the Scene - 6/12/2007 1:53:30 PM

bliss1

Posts: 497
Joined: 3/14/2007
Status: offline

I do not have a photo - not because of a job - but because of who my family is in the area I live in.
Hell - even in high school - it was are you related to........

Soooooooooo much easier to be discrete

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Post #: 13

RE: Professional People into the Scene - 6/12/2007 2:04:17 PM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

Trust, be very very careful----if this is what you seek, the freedom is heady!

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Post #: 14

RE: Professional People into the Scene - 6/12/2007 2:27:40 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

So, how do folks who are in "the public eye" in the vanilla world mange to do what they do privately, without fear of being exposed?

We don't attend munches or play parties and we don't post pictures on CM or use this nic on other sites, because hubby wants to keep our D/s life private. I imagine it's a little harder when you are searching for a partner.

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

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Post #: 15

RE: Professional People into the Scene - 6/12/2007 5:19:05 PM

denika

Posts: 619
Joined: 8/30/2005
Status: offline

I always figured that if anyone I work with see's my photo on CM or I run into them at an event that tells me they are into the same thing, other wise why would they be there? I don't announce my lifestyle but I don't hide it either, I refuse to live in shadows or be made to feel ashamed of who I am. I am employed by the goverment, I even get Christmas cards from the Mayor, I deal with the police, paramedics,firefighters, doctors. I consider myself a proffesional, which means I also know what is appropriate behavior. As much as I don't hide my choices I don't wear corsets and cuffs to work.
As a teen I was the victim of a hate crime, it was strictly a wrong place/wrong time thing and the fact I happened to be bi was a coincidence the Skin Heads that stabbed me didn't really care they just wanted someone to victimize. That experience made me refuse to hide.
Like everyday folk tho, there is a time and a place- I don't really want to know what my co-workers do in their bedroom any more than they want to know about mine.
But if they ask.... Well then, it is an intresting conversation :)

denika

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 16

RE: Professional People into the Scene - 6/12/2007 6:14:05 PM

DreamSailor

Posts: 2
Joined: 5/13/2007
Status: offline

'The better part of valour is discretion; in the which better part I have saved my life." Henry IV

I didn't even know I was in a closet until a few weeks ago, having coffee with a local submissive, who was trying to persuade me to join a local BDSM club, and said she had just 'come out of the closet'. ;( Since I learned (through trial and many errors) and practiced D/s 10 years prior to knowing there was a sub-culture, I guess I have always seen society as 'different' and not very kind. For me, unless I know I can live totally outside society, the closet is fine for me.....what they don't know, they can't use against me.

DreamSailor

< Message edited by DreamSailor -- 6/12/2007 6:15:37 PM >

(in reply to denika)

Post #: 17

RE: Professional People into the Scene - 6/12/2007 6:18:26 PM

LaMistressa

Posts: 460
Joined: 12/4/2006
Status: offline

It pays to be careful and discreet, but it is possible to have a career and be active in the scene.

(in reply to DreamSailor)

Post #: 18

RE: Professional People into the Scene - 6/12/2007 6:26:07 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

I used to be very worried about it; I'm a bit less worried about it now (as you can tell by the fact that I've uploaded a photo). Yeah, there are dipshits who wouldn't exactly sympathize if they ever found out about my private life, but I've decided there's not too much they can do to me. Of course, I don't go to meetings wearing an "I'm a poly TPE dom" placard on my chest.

(in reply to iwillobeysir)

Post #: 19

RE: Professional People into the Scene - 6/12/2007 8:19:18 PM

hereyesruponyou

Posts: 770
Joined: 1/22/2007
Status: offline

Where i live and my job both make my "secret" a little more concerning than i think it should be. I think discretion is not a bad thing and there's no reason to push it in other people's faces. Alot of even pretty lax attitude friends who know what we are into have wild ideas and are a little frightened to learn more about what we really do in the bedroom (beach, forest, etc). My um has recently mentioned she saw some pictures i thought were buried well enough on my computer, so i think it's about time for a good talk there, but she is 16 1/2 and doesn't want details, thankfully!

The hardest part for me was a met a guy who lived near my sister and i thought they would get along great outside the bedroom...but she is seriously prudish and would not deal well knowing what i like!

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 20

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