Is the personality type you search for really what you want?

Is the personality type you search for really what you want? (Full Version)

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mistoferin -> Is the personality type you search for really what you want? (6/8/2007 7:10:44 AM)
There is a Dominant I know who has had a series of failed relationships. He is a bit of a white knight and is always choosing submissives who struggle in life and are very dependent. The problem comes in though when they try to form a partnership. Their lack of ability to be autonomous drives him crazy after a while. The very things he says he wants in a partner, and the things that initially attract him to those people....end up being the things that he has the biggest issues with in the long term. I, myself, have had the opposite problem. I have met men who say they want someone who is strong, capable and self reliant....only to later have them tell me that I am not needy or dependent enough. Many of us take a lot of time to reflect on what personality traits in a partner will best meet our needs and compliment us. Do you find that your pre conceived ideas of what you want are in sync with what works best for you in reality, or do certain personalities initially attract you but then don't prove to really be a good "fit"?

hereyesruponyou -> RE: Is the personality type you search for really what you want? (6/8/2007 7:22:08 AM)
In the relationship theory section of the book i am studying, they note that we are attracted to what we are familiar with. It is according to them a natural reaction of the brain. They also state "most people will choose misery with a partner their limbic brain recognizes over the stagnant pleasure of a nice relationship with someone their attachment mechanisms cannot detect." With the example given: "A man who grew up with a fiery critical mother whom he loved dearly. As an adult he may tend to connect with women who turn out to be his mothers clone, leading to a tumultuous relationship at best. And a supportive woman leaves him feeling exasperatingly empty of feeling, no spark, no chemistry, no fireworks." I only mention this because when i read it myself i realized how well it described so many unhappy people i know. Making that choice between what you seem to want, which may not be good for you, or what you need, that just doesn't hold the same level of interest. I posit that when we think we are "settling" perhaps we are just doing the right thing??? All opinions welcome. Please note the quotes are from a book. Not my words. I can't say i agree, but they did make me think!

fyreredsub -> RE: Is the personality type you search for really what you want? (6/8/2007 7:28:58 AM)
wow kewl food for thought!!! i've been searching myself lately and what it is that makes me say 'screw you' and take back my will....... i dunno, i guess i just expect people to do what they say, whether i'm a slave or not, when you continually dont do what it is that you say and then try to abdicate yourself of the responsibility of owning another, well hells bells, i'm GONE. i got a knack for picking out men that are like that maybe if i dont pick 'em anymore and let them pick me maybe i'll have better luck one fine day edited to adthen again maybe i should give up trying to be in a poly house,after all a Master only has so much time and energy..................shrugs* girl with the broken picker[:D]

BeingChewsie -> RE: Is the personality type you search for really what you want? (6/8/2007 7:34:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin There is a Dominant I know who has had a series of failed relationships. He is a bit of a white knight and is always choosing submissives who struggle in life and are very dependent. The problem comes in though when they try to form a partnership. Their lack of ability to be autonomous drives him crazy after a while. The very things he says he wants in a partner, and the things that initially attract him to those people....end up being the things that he has the biggest issues with in the long term. I, myself, have had the opposite problem. I have met men who say they want someone who is strong, capable and self reliant....only to later have them tell me that I am not needy or dependent enough. Many of us take a lot of time to reflect on what personality traits in a partner will best meet our needs and compliment us. Do you find that your pre conceived ideas of what you want are in sync with what works best for you in reality, or do certain personalities initially attract you but then don't prove to really be a good "fit"? Yes, but it is combination of things, luck being part of it. I think the primary key is that I really now myself and I was really upfront with partners. Despite my lack of wanting much if any say so once the dynamic is established, the path to the dynamic was filled with me talking, clearly about who I am what I was looking for. My owner was very clear about who he is and what he wanted. It is all a risk, it may or may not be a perfect fit. Sometimes you get lucky and it all clicks. We just clicked. I do understand the issue you are talking about though and I think that happens across the board. The idea is not nearly as good as the reality for lots of people. Look at vanilla relationships, they are not different. How many women get into relationships and then end up miserable by the very thing that attracted them in the first place?... then they expect him to change. Men do it too. I'm lucky I'm in synch, what attacts me is really what attracts me..for all time. The same with my owner. Maybe it is just we both believe you create your own destiny and are in charge of your future and are in charge of how your relationships go. Too many people seem to let the world work them vs grabbing their piece of it by its proverbial balls and working it to their satisfaction.

PoeticPrincess -> RE: Is the personality type you search for really what you want? (6/8/2007 7:38:34 AM)
"A man who grew up with a fiery critical mother whom he loved dearly. As an adult he may tend to connect with women who turn out to be his mothers clone, leading to a tumultuous relationship at best. And a supportive woman leaves him feeling exasperatingly empty of feeling, no spark, no chemistry, no fireworks." That resonates with me too... the man I married was a safe pair of hands, a real friend to me for many years. Then I met a man who brought out the fiery sexual person who had been subdued by the gentility of the first relationship. I would say I would rather have a week with my lover than a day with my ex-husband - the frisson, the passion, the lust and physicality!!

LaTigresse -> RE: Is the personality type you search for really what you want? (6/8/2007 7:43:17 AM)
Erin you are just full of thought provoking stuff this week! Thank you. I cannot say I am actually searching for anything/anyone at this point in my life. I am afraid I would be comparing them to someone I recently lost and that would be an unfair comparison and unrealistic of me. However, I can answer from past experience. I used to want to be a rescuer, a saviour. Always going after those lost little souls that needed someone to take care of them and yadda yadda yadda. Then I realized that I cannot STAND that type. I do not have the patience nor the ability to fix the shit they need to be fixing themself. I began to realize that what appealed to me most was the really strong, together, women. Those that, to most people, are quite dominant. Even if they are young and experienced, they are going to have some good potential in this area. To be honest, at first it scared the shit out of me. These were women that I had to make sure I was totally together to have a relationship with. I couldn't be lazy with them. They challenged me to be better and to grow. I took a big step back and a long hard look at myself and realized that not only did I need that challenge, I wanted it. And more importantly, I was fully capable to meeting it. So, if and when, I get to the point of really having an interest in all of this D/s relationship stuff again.......I know what I want and need. I know what will work for me. Anything different would not be fair to me or them.

litleone8620 -> RE: Is the personality type you search for really what you want? (6/8/2007 7:43:49 AM)
I can understand how I would pick wrong. The line between Fantasty Man, and Real World Man can get a little fuzzy. There could also be a chance that, if there was a man I had my eye on, I would have projected the image of what I want the man to be instead of what he actually is. That's also something that could get me in trouble. Usually I don't have this problem. I like to think I'm a fairly good judge of character, and generally pick men that are good for me. There have only been a couple where they turned out different or more 'challenging' than I thought. But luckily those relationships ended before they started. I certainly hope, when I start searching again, that I'll know what I want, and be right about it. I know I don't like to admit I'm wrong, especially when picking out a mate.

Faramir -> RE: Is the personality type you search for really what you want? (6/8/2007 7:46:20 AM)
hereyes: That model, searching for someone who reminds you of the opposite gender parent, is the basis for my favorite (really only) column: Can This Marriage Be Saved. I have a lot of doubts about the worth and effectiveness of Marriage Counselling, but man I still love that column. I think another issue, and maybe this is more something men experience (not sure), is confusing sexual desire with compatability. I know looking back and doing post-mortems on my relationships, I see that I have tended to pick very attractive and very masochistic women, and that hasn't worked out so good. That masochistic impulse is very attractive to me, very exciting, but the women I have had who were deeply masochistic were often bi-polar (and ZOMG don't they love to hide that until you're knee-deep in a relationship), and do very relationship-destructive things like dissapear for weeks at a time in shame and guilt over what they've done with me....until the shame goes away the need to be hurt and used comes back again. Not that I'm surprised anymore by that--my anecdotal experience is that there is a high correlation between deep masochism and trauma. I am sure there are people here who are masochistic and would reject the characterization as having suffered trauma, and if you say so, I'll believe you. It's just not what I have experienced. So anyways, looking back, I don't see any correlation between my level of satisfaction in the relationship (smoothness and depth of power ecchange, emotional intimacy) and my attraction to them (super-hottie and masochistic). My best relationship involved very little (overt at least) SM, but she was a true pleaser who gracely found her satisfaction in mine. My satisfaction was way higher than my initial level of attraction.

octavia -> RE: Is the personality type you search for really what you want? (6/8/2007 7:47:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: fyreredsub ..... i got a knack for picking out men that are like that so i figure maybe if i dont pick 'em anymore and let them pick me maybe i'll have better luck one fine day girl with the broken picker[:D] OH dear!!!!!! I have a bit of life experience with this one... Same old story. I understand the psycology and the biology of how we end up redoing past things in an attempt to "fix" them. BUT, I DID let myself be "picked" instead of doing the picking.. and I have 13 years of hellish, sexless, misery to show for it. I was not then, nor did i ever become attracted to my mate. No matter what I tried or how hard I worked.. If the spark aint there... RUN!!!!!! All is not hopeless though, there is such a thing as going back to those early childhood events and working through them so that you no longer feel compelled to relive them over and over. I look at it kinda like this. I am going to be presented with the life lesson I need to learn. I can choose to learn it or run. If i run, the fooking universe, God, Karma, whatever is going to put it right back in my lap next possible opportunity it/he has. Go figure. My new plan. Learn the damn shit the first time around. Move on to new, more exciting life lessons. [:D]

fyreredsub -> RE: Is the personality type you search for really what you want? (6/8/2007 7:53:28 AM)
hi octavia, i was sitting here thinking about this whole wonderful topic... lol, when i try to run the show, that sense of humor the universe has,suddenly seems to appear[8D] i'm happy letting a man run the show the problem starts when He allows me to do so and it is such a bitch to be an exteremely dominant female with a slave heart and belly. One needs a totally strong Man and yeah your sooooooooooo right,i've let them pick me too and they werent ever strong enough,can we say chew them up and spit them out in little tiny peices

nighthawk3569 -> RE: Is the personality type you search for really what you want? (6/8/2007 7:55:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: fyreredsub wow kewl food for thought!!! i've been searching myself lately and what it is that makes me say 'screw you' in the long run of things... i dunno, i guess i just expect people to do what they say, whether i'm a slave or not, when you continually dont do what it is that you say and then try to abdicate yourself of the responsibility of owning another, well hells bells, i'm GONE. i got a knack for picking out men that are like that so i figure maybe if i dont pick 'em anymore and let them pick me maybe i'll have better luck one fine day girl with the broken picker[:D] Ok, so your 'picker' is broken...because you have a knack for picking irresponsible men. You've self-released...and you say you won't respond to anyone you don't already know. How, then, do you expect to get picked, 'one fine day'? *'hawk*

mistoferin -> RE: Is the personality type you search for really what you want? (6/8/2007 7:55:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Faramir I think another issue, and maybe this is more something men experience (not sure), is confusing sexual desire with compatability. I don't think that is exclusive to men. I think that many people end up in relationships with people based upon physical attraction, desire or sexual compatability only to find that in the long term, they really have nothing more to base a relationship upon.

fyreredsub -> RE: Is the personality type you search for really what you want? (6/8/2007 7:56:44 AM)
right now i dont... i'm taking much needed time for me!![:)] i already did the frying pan to the fire........thats another mistake that DOESN"T need REPEATING

mistoferin -> RE: Is the personality type you search for really what you want? (6/8/2007 8:03:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse <snip>To be honest, at first it scared he shit out of me. These were women that I had to make sure I was totally together to have a relationship with. I couldn't be lazy with them. They challenged me to be better and to grow. <snip> LaT....I find your response very interesting. I wonder how often people get into relationships that will not require that they do any self work. Not that it may be a concious decision...but I wonder if it is common to simply go with what is going to require the least amount of effort...even when it's not what would ultimately be best for us. Then we wonder down the road why our relationships become stagnant.

nighthawk3569 -> RE: Is the personality type you search for really what you want? (6/8/2007 8:21:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: fyreredsub hi octavia, i was sitting here thinking about this whole wonderful topic... lol, when i try to run the show, that sense of humor the universe has,suddenly seems to appear[8D] i'm happy letting a man run the show the problem starts when He allows me to do so and it is such a bitch to be an exteremely dominant female with a slave heart and belly. One needs a totally strong Man and yeah your sooooooooooo right,i've let them pick me too and they werent ever strong enough,can we say chew them up and spit them out in little tiny peices Be of good cheer, red...you'll meet that 'totally strong Man', one of these days. One who won't allow you to 'run the show'. One you can't 'chew up and spit out in tiny pieces', or any other way. It's been said: 'When the student is ready, the Teacher will appear'. Just be sure you can accept it when you do meet this Man...without fighting it too hard. *Let the 'slave heart and belly' rule...not the 'extremely dominant female bitch'.* *As for being in a poly house, since you've self-released, how are you still in a poly house?* *'hawk*

octavia -> RE: Is the personality type you search for really what you want? (6/8/2007 8:22:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: fyreredsub ... One needs a totally strong Man and yeah your sooooooooooo right,i've let them pick me too and they werent ever strong enough,can we say chew them up and spit them out in little tiny peices Aint it the truth. Imagine my delight to FINALLY figure out why the one relationship that worked for me did. He was a strong, smart, Dom who didn't put up with my shit. Now that's sexy!!!!!!!! [;)]

hereyesruponyou -> RE: Is the personality type you search for really what you want? (6/8/2007 8:25:56 AM)
Let me just say the quotes i put in were in reference to any relationship, not meant to be about bdsm. I do think the same thing applies in the vanilla world as in ours, often more so because many vanilla people never even try to live their fantasies at all. For me i would have to say that "infatuation" part of any relationship often colors what we see in a potential mate. But it is the time after that (often for me within 2-3 weeks), that i determine whether it is worth working on and working through or just moving on. I have a knack for making really good friends with some great guys when i date, but if the spark doesn't stick around a little, then that's all they are or can be (see my second marriage for reference, sadly). I have been lucky to find my current mate, as we have our ups and downs, but the spark is there along with the friendship. Hence the reason why i am totally patient about finding a submissive for myself. To me asking for more is indulgence and therefore i can wait for just who i need.

octavia -> RE: Is the personality type you search for really what you want? (6/8/2007 8:26:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse <snip>To be honest, at first it scared he shit out of me. These were women that I had to make sure I was totally together to have a relationship with. I couldn't be lazy with them. They challenged me to be better and to grow. <snip> LaT....I find your response very interesting. I wonder how often people get into relationships that will not require that they do any self work. Not that it may be a concious decision...but I wonder if it is common to simply go with what is going to require the least amount of effort...even when it's not what would ultimately be best for us. Then we wonder down the road why our relationships become stagnant. gulp hate to admit this.. but i can relate. It can seem much easier to go with the man who will just accept you and not insist that you better yourself. It feels ikkie in the end though, and I can't respect them or myself and that feels even ikkier. This was another dynamic of my marriage. I did discover however, that stagnant is an illusion for me. I am either moving forward or backwards, never still. A stagnant pond is in decay, slowly but still... moving.

CrazyC -> RE: Is the personality type you search for really what you want? (6/8/2007 8:34:29 AM)
Here, I have read that quote before in a really good book on relationships. My human sexuality teacher later took that concept to show how, even if we like or hate our parents relationships, we end up in the same relationships they had. She and the book explain it as a child we learn one way of coping with a situation by watching our parents. Not so much other adults, because we aren't there with them day in and day out. We also see ourselves as that parent. Ex...I grew up where my mother let Dad run the roost. It is a cycle though that can be broken. If i remember right, the book said that realizing this patern is happening and accepting it is the start. If there is an unhealthy aspect of the relationship, then learning how to note the pattern, see the signs that the pattern is going ot happen before it does, and learning coping skills. Oh and learning to communicate in a healthy manner. This is what i learned from the book and the teacher, and not the cookie cutter way. I sometimes think we go to the extreme opposite of what are parents too for those same reasons. I personally have found that i can't stay in those relationships for long though, since i don't know how to deal with a man who can't take charge. (In our house, father always knew best, and when he didn't we would let him know but knew it was still going to be his way.) In fact one thing i have learned, to find those qualities in my father that are good and find them in my future partner. Also learning new healthy ways to communicate with my father has helped me in relationships also.

fyreredsub -> RE: Is the personality type you search for really what you want? (6/8/2007 8:35:35 AM)
I meant i am thinking of giving up on Poly totally

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