RE: Giving References (Full Version)

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ExSteelAgain -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 8:41:50 PM)

The Southern Subs room no longer exists and I gave up chat rooms, like you, a few years ago, but I was AlphaSynapse on AOL before. There are others from AOL who are friends on CM under other names.

To the others who wonder what this has to do with references, the point is that the room references often became a means of bragging about whom you had played with to the chagrin of the person contacted.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 8:44:09 PM)

Not to mention the "couples screen names" which changed monthly.



marieToo -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 8:48:56 PM)

FR:

I met my first dominant in an aol chatroom nearly 8 years ago.  I have to admit (even tho I don't want to) that the fact that others from that room knew him realtime did influence my decision to meet with him and continue on in relationship with him.  I was completely new to the room and the "lifestyle" and as it turns out the people in that room were not exactly the best judges of character.  The guy turned out to be quite a jerk-off, but given the fact that he knew others from the room and had 'played' with others who were still alive, it made me feel safe in the physical sense.  Of course I realize now that's simply not enough, but at the time, it meant alot to me....it actually was the most important thing to me at that time; being able to explore my submission without fear of being injured.  He was extremely sadistic, probably not the best choice for my first time, but I knew he wasn't insane and would not harm me physically.  So for that purpose, it's a bit of a comfort to know other people who have been with someone and to know that they came home safe in one piece.   However,  I would never go out of my way to ask someone for references; that would feel ridiculous to me.  



goodgirl85 -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 9:21:23 PM)

I think Creative Dominant said it the best in post number 20. Talking and personal observation are the best ways to go. I don't do references. I don't think I would decline to give them if asked but I wouldn't offer them nor ask for them. My main reason for this is people change. The person he is today may not be the person he was in the last relationship/arrangement he had. He may have changed because of the other person or because of otehr life alterating events.

You don't get references in vanilla relationships, you learn about them from them, and then it is backed up when the time comes for you to meet his/fer friends and family. I think I would cry, honestly, if I recieved a phone call, email, or IM asking to give a reference for my EX. It would be like a blow, pretty much the same thing as seeing an ex with his new partner and even finding out they are more serious then the two of you ever were.

I don't think I could give a reference fro my ex, simply because He is no longer the man I fell in love in with. He changed a lot, as did I.

References are mere fragments of a persons past. A person can change, multiple times thru his/her lifetime. The only way you can learn about a person is by getting to know them, and having it backed up by listening and paying attention to the constants or in some cases inconstanties in people's stories and when meeting friends and family of said person. And this goes for vanilla and BDSM relationships



LadyHeart -> RE: Giving References (6/8/2007 1:49:51 AM)

In a relationship, whether D/s or vanilla, emotions are involved, and it's impossible to be logical about emotions, which are not by their nature, logical. A "reference" is therefore of limited value in such situations. Anyway, one man's meat is another man's poison. The behaviour you hated may just what the next person is looking for.

Where it is more reasonable to ask for or to give references is in a mentoring situation where the connection is more cerebral and less personal. I would certainly want to know a little about someone's background before accepting their their assistance, even if it wasn't as formal as a reference, and I am happy to have my background checked up on by someone seeking my input.

:))
LH



MagiksSlave -> RE: Giving References (6/8/2007 12:26:57 PM)

Also what if these people that we are giveing as references dont want people to know they are into BDSM that they havent desided should know I mean i come here everyone here Knows Im a slave but they dont know who I am for real dont have any of my personal info or anything els if all of a sudden im getting phone calls from strange women asking about one of my X's Id be pissed and feel like my privacy had been invaded. I know you could say have them contact me through here, but I know if I ever did feel the need to get references an e-mail adress would do nothing to apease my mind, they could be anyone who knows if they are who the person says they are so an e-mail would not make me beleave what I was hearing was real and Id be in no better of a place then i was to start. I mean he could be sending you to talk to anyone someone pretending to have played with him so as to ease your mind (that could happen with a phone call too) But I would want to know WHO the actual reference was name and everything so that I could judge if the reference was any good. Knowing that I would feel that way Im sure others would to, and I DONT want anyone giveing out my personal info at all aspecialy not with haveing to do with BDSM i want to keep anonamouse when it comes to that as I cant aford to be outed. Also what if they dont want to be botherd by strangers asking for info on their ex' there are many reasons why the person given as a reference would rather be left out of things. I know I would.

Magik's slave



kc692 -> RE: Giving References (6/8/2007 1:17:53 PM)

````Fast Reply````` I have never worried about getting references in the past, but my last experience has left me wondering why not, and I know I will want references the next time.  It amazes me how many (including myself) have not or do not ask for them.  Everyone knows that there may be a spiteful one in the bunch but for those on both sides of the kneel and have had more than one BDSM relationship and cannot provide at least one reference should throw up a pink flag.



KnightofMists -> RE: Giving References (6/8/2007 7:18:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lapresence

If I were to give a reference for this man in the future, I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing what I didn’t observe first hand, but followed to an extreme, his fault could wreck havoc with another person.  I’m not sure what the correct course of action would be here.  Any advice? 


take the course of action that allows you to look yourself in the mirror.



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