RE: Giving References

RE: Giving References (Full Version)

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MagiksSlave -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 11:45:27 AM)
Personally I dont give or ask for refereces. This isnt a job aplication, if a venilla guy came up to you in a bar and asked you out would you say "OK but I need a list of names and phone numbers of the last 3 girls you dated" LOL good luck on that one. Also not all of us have references because well many of us have never been in a BDSM relationship I know Master is the first man I have ever been collard to. There is no substatute for sitting down face to face and getting to know someone, because while his other relationship may have failed for variouse reasons that doesnt mean that those same reasons would be something that would make you leave him. beeing compatable is so subjectable that takeing onthers word for things just isnt realistic. People often see what they want to see in another person even if it isnt really there!! Magik's slave

Archer -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 11:54:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave Personally I dont give or ask for refereces. This isnt a job aplication, if a venilla guy came up to you in a bar and asked you out would you say "OK but I need a list of names and phone numbers of the last 3 girls you dated" LOL good luck on that one. Magik's slave Maybe not but how many don't at least ask the bartender or waitress about the person when they take a trip to the facilities, or ask some other patrons of the bar if they know something about them. We also get "references" from their freinds, co workers and family, and generally you get a little information about them by following the leads these people give you. All part of the "Getting to know you" period of every relationship includes gathering information from outside sources in some way. Not having an extensive list of references does not disqualify someone but it also means I don't have as much information about them as quickly so I'll likely move even slower. References provide additional information, not all of the information you need. (at least in most cases).

lapresence -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 12:04:55 PM)
~~ fast reply First, thank you to everyone for your input. I appreciate all perspectives on this. I've been in bad situations and I have to confess I agree with with imthatacheyouhav; I feel some obligation to others if I feel that there might be a danger. Regardless, I would not share details about mine or her relationship with him. Merely that the bigget problem I and others have had is x, and while it was difficult to deal with, I didn't have a problem with it. However, like with anything, in the extreme it could be dangerous, and simply be aware of the fault. But I also agree with MasterFireMaam, how I react to him as a Dominant is very different from how another may react. I've seen that first hand with a sister sub. I don't feel that his intentions are bad, he's shown me nothing but concern for me even after the release. If I felt that the other sub was strong enough to deal with it, I would give my own response and then send them on to her for her to give her own opinion. But she can't even be friends with me because of my past relationship with him. So no doubt, emotional damage was done. It certainly would be easiest to simply tell him I don't feel comfortable giving a reference, or even to tell them I don't wish to give a reference at all. Perhaps it will not come up. Thank you again everyone.

WhiplashSmile -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 12:07:07 PM)
How about "background checks" and "credit reports" instead of references. When you contact a reference, you are simply contacting another stranger who you don't know if you can honestly trust or not.

lapresence -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 12:07:33 PM)
What about when the Dom is people are not active in the public community?

Arpig -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 12:09:40 PM)
Now honestly, why would the word of a stranger matter..I mean would my word on a sub's "worthiness" really mean anything to any of you who do not know me personally?

lapresence -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 12:31:59 PM)
I understand what you are saying. I guess I view references as an early warning system. "Forewarned is forarmed," so to speak. Am I going to not consider someone because their ex hated them, especially if they are overly emotional. Of course not. If, however, they say "well, he's great, just look out for x." The danger, of course, is too look too hard and to find that in a person. I would never expect someone to reject another because of a bad reference, simply to take note of it and go with your gut.

sublimelysensual -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 12:51:59 PM)
-puts on her flame retardant suit- I see the whole reference thing in the same light I see things like safe calls. When you go somewhere social and meet someone, have a good conversation, exchange numbers..you speak on the phone a few more times, then decide to go on a date. Most people don't set up a safe call in this type of situation, nor do they assume the person is an axe murderer just waiting on their chance. (All of this happening in a public place..going to someone's home or a hotel, and all bets are off.) I don't see that scenario as any different than meeting someone online, talking to them for weeks or months, then arranging to meet them in a public place. Personally speaking, I won't scene with someone until I know them pretty well, (with the possible exception of being at a party and having other people know the Dom/me and their skills), so a safe call is irrelevant at that point. If I haven't figured out they're off the mark that far, I'm probably not going to until they try to kill me, and somehow I don't think they're going to let me make a call before they slit my throat. The safe thing to do is simply not to get yourself into that type of situation to begin with. There are exceptions to the rule (namely thinking about travelling some distance to meet someone), but I put the relevance of references right there in the same category..just my opinion.. -a

lapresence -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 1:00:21 PM)
why would anyone flame you for your response? You state your thesis and make points to back it up. I can see that. Now grant you, I do a safe call. And you know what else, I let them know I have a safe call that I have to make. If it's 5 minutes late, then the police will be there very, very soon. And how I say something will make the difference, and they don't know which is which. I could tell my safe call, if I say "I am well," things are going fine, no worries, we'll proceed as we agreed before. Conversely, if I say something like "things are fine here," it means call the police ASAP and give them the info I gave you. Is it 100% fool proof. Of course not. Is it a deterant, I sure as hell hope so. Thank you for sharing, and I do see your point. [:)]

darkinshadows -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 1:00:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin When people are asking me for "my" references, I generally don't give them a contact name but rather tell them that I am known in this, this and this group. Feel free to ask anyone associated with those groups. Exactly, this is how I 'work'. I just don't see the point of naming names. I give info on what I have done and where I have been and they can find out from the whole selection of people involved and then make an informed choice. Peace

Archer -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 1:07:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lapresence What about when the Dom is people are not active in the public community? Certainly there are folks who dont have a community reference and as I said it doesn't disqualify them. All it means is I have less information about them from outside sources. In the end you have to make a call based on your judgement of ALL the information you have gathered. Personally I have a rough threshold of information I need to have crossed before I spend any work/play time alone with the person or decide things simply don't look like they will work out. How quickly or slowly that threshold is met depends on how quickly the information is gathered. References simply bring me to the threshold quicker in most cases. Until then the play/ work time will have to wait, references simply give me additional information sources that can add to the total picture. Without them it just means I'll get to that threshold slower.

spanklette -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 1:12:18 PM)
The only point I've ever seen in giving personal references is for casual play. And, in New Orleans where I had played with a bunch of folks, the references were as objective as possible about their play style. If someone is trying to enter into a relationship with them, well, they're on their own. And, I have found it more meaningful to give group references, as well. You'll get the good the bad and the ugly...plus the good the bad and the ugly about everyone who said a word. [:D] References are always a prime excuse to gossip, so I don't use them for myself...but then again, I no longer play casually. I don't see any use at all for references, as far as entering in to a long term relationship. Use the time you spend with them to create your own point of reference instead of trying to take shortcuts. (That wasn't specifically to the OP, just in general.)

thetammyjo -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 1:20:04 PM)
When I'm asked about someone I am honest but I put it in terms of my experience. However you are correct, lapresence, that anyone giving references would probably only select ones that they believe are going to be positive. Much like you would on a resume or CV.

susie -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 1:26:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Arpig Now honestly, why would the word of a stranger matter..I mean would my word on a sub's "worthiness" really mean anything to any of you who do not know me personally? I have always wondered this too. When I met my Master online I was completely new to the lifestyle and knew nobody. Had I asked him for a reference I am not sure that he could have given one. His previous sub (his wife) died. He could possibly have given me some names and email contacts for people he had met previously, but how would I know that I was talking to those people and not fake profiles he set up in order to answer requests like this. I am not saying people do this but it shows that getting a reference from a stranger is not really worth anything.

earthycouple -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 1:33:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav If i had 1st hand knowledge of a person that was harmful or abusive, and someone asked me about that person....while i wouldn't give the gory details...but i would certainly caution the person who asked me. I think to not do that would be neglectful on my part. just my take on it. this isn't a reference, it's a warning...and I'm all for em! S*

MagiksSlave -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 2:00:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Archer quote: ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave Personally I dont give or ask for refereces. This isnt a job aplication, if a venilla guy came up to you in a bar and asked you out would you say "OK but I need a list of names and phone numbers of the last 3 girls you dated" LOL good luck on that one. Magik's slave Maybe not but how many don't at least ask the bartender or waitress about the person when they take a trip to the facilities, or ask some other patrons of the bar if they know something about them. We also get "references" from their freinds, co workers and family, and generally you get a little information about them by following the leads these people give you. All part of the "Getting to know you" period of every relationship includes gathering information from outside sources in some way. Not having an extensive list of references does not disqualify someone but it also means I don't have as much information about them as quickly so I'll likely move even slower. References provide additional information, not all of the information you need. (at least in most cases). Sir I wouldnt know that I dont hang out in bars, but in school when a guy has asked me out I eather am interested and accept and get to know him on my own (really only my opinion about the guy matters) or Im uniterested and I dont accept and then it doesnt matter. Magik's slave

Lordandmaster -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 2:10:11 PM)
Then you've been talking to the wrong people. quote: ORIGINAL: lapresence I have always been told that references were important.

lateralist1 -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 2:19:40 PM)
All a reference does is to say that he or she knows someone that will take the trouble to supply one. Which I suppose helps a little but not a lot.

slaverosebeauty -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 2:20:15 PM)
I have referances, I offer them to a potential partner who I am serious about. I have asked for referances before and checked them. For me, my referances are people who I HAVE had relationships with and are friends with; we made/make better friends than lifestyle partners. I also offer a list of groups I am on and/or sites, where I have profiles and/or posts. One of my FAVORITE questions to ask while getting to know someone is, "what would you last girlfriend/partner tell me about you? The good & the bad?" Persoanlly its a BIG red flag if someone doesn't have them or when I ask, if they say 'no.' What are they hiding? Are they really that new? Are they married? etc. Even if its just referances from lifetsyle friends. Besides, I also check more than just referances before I get into a regular/steady relationship with someone, I'm cautious, I have to be, at the end of the day, my responsibility is to go home to my son; Not the morgue. My current partner an I have not discussed referances, we have known eachother for years though, if he wants referances, sure, he can have them, I have nothing to hide.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Giving References (6/7/2007 2:23:16 PM)
I don't get the part about references being so important and flaggy but yet not with your current partner?

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