What would Hamlet Do ("WWHD"?)

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What would Hamlet Do ("WWHD"?) - 5/31/2007 5:53:03 PM

OedipusRexIt

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Joined: 11/15/2005
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Having been prodded a few times lately to essay a new post, I present a conundrum that confounds me of late:

To be, or not to be, an asshole.

OK... I know. I already am one. And for all you EST survivors, I know ... everyone's an asshole. However, in specific, yet still generic, terms, my situation is thus:

"Met" a person here, developed fairly strong feelings despite a self-prohibition against both long-distance and internet infatuation.

It wasn't meant to be. The reasons are irrelevant, however, compelling enough to convince me. Rather than complete a circle of physical intimacy with her, I demurred. Why meet, and fall victim to certain temptation, when it has no future (was my thought)?

So, it was ended. Reasons were exchanged, but a firm, clear ending seemed to be understood by both in March. Here it is nearly June, and I receive regular calls, which chart life progress and other personal information, as if we were on track for a future together.

To sum up: She won't stop calling. I don't listen, I delete, but it's tiresome and troubling. I waited an extremely long time to give out my number, in order to avoid this precise situation. I know I can change my number, but I don't want to, plain and simple.

So, having tried nicely to tell someone (for whom I still care but will not be with) that there's no future, should I now be an asshole about it? I've said "no thank you" clearly a number of times, now what?

I do my best to ignore it all, but for those of you here who do posess feelings (quick, the rest of you, strike an aggressively bored pose!), perhaps you understand the difference between smacking around a willing sub and shredding someone's feelings... and hence my quandry.

.... there. That's probably my longest post. Supply and demand of postings now equalized, and I throw the question to the masses.

_____________________________

"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die..."

Post #: 1

RE: What would Hamlet Do ("WWHD"?) - 5/31/2007 6:09:31 PM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

if all else fails, be an asshole. seriously.

she's obviously failed to cash her reality check, and it would be best applied via means of the Clue-by-Four. i've been in her position, and had the polite "i'm sorry, this isnt going to work" not take hold. there is NO gentle way to cease contact with some people, unfortunately for all parties involved.

to thine own self be true, you know? you've been direct but kind, and it didnt work. now its time to be harsh, explaining that you didnt wish to be like this, but since she isnt hearing your message, you are going to have to be blunt.

good luck. it sounds like you are going to need it.

kitten, who generally listens now.

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)

Post #: 2

RE: What would Hamlet Do ("WWHD"?) - 5/31/2007 6:09:45 PM

darkinshadows

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Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
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Two months is an awfully long time to still be gaining phone calls if you are ignoring them and ignored them from the start? Or is the ignoring a more recent turn of events?

My suggestion is - don't be 'nice'. I personally really dislike 'nice' - to me it is condecending if I were treated to 'nice'. I want honesty - and would have wanted that from the start. A simple 'fuck off' is much kinder than ' I really like you, but this can't work because we are too far.' To me, that would indicate that if we were nearer, or the situation were different, there would be a chance.

Be blunt. Be harsh. Be cruel to be kind. You aren't responsible for her feelings - she is.

You are responsible for yourself and your own sanity. And if this is pulling you down, its not healthy for you.

And how she reacts or responds - don't accept blame.

Peace

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)

Post #: 3

RE: What would Hamlet Do ("WWHD"?) - 5/31/2007 6:13:29 PM

kittinSol

Posts: 16926
Status: offline

Hi Oedipus. Indeed, long time no see. I think your post shows you couldn't ever be an asshole... Perhaps you posted it so that the person in question would see it and understand your dilemna (which is, as you so concisely put it, 'to be or not to be... an asshole')?

I think... and oh! What an utter cliche this is... that time will do its work. That you have to pace it out, wait for the person in question to recover from the loss (she must miss you, you aren't just anybody after all - and I don't mean to sound like I belong to your fanclub either), and be patient.

What else can you do? *Shrug*

'Luck

kitt

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RE: What would Hamlet Do ("WWHD"?) - 5/31/2007 6:13:49 PM

cjenny

Posts: 1736
Joined: 11/27/2006
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Be blunt, absolutely blunt that since there isn't a future you aren't interested in her present. It doesn't have to be cruel..but it does have to be final.

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*Unless I cite a source it is MO.

~ ssssh. i think i've just found freedom. ~

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Post #: 5

RE: What would Hamlet Do ("WWHD"?) - 5/31/2007 6:14:24 PM

TheHeretic

Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline

      Yes. It's time to be an asshole. It was time to be an asshole the second time she didn't get it (that would be the third conversation for the Rio Linda attendees).

    There is no "let's still be friends" at this point. Two months you've let this crap continue? WTF? Now you have a stalker.



_____________________________

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)

Post #: 6

RE: What would Hamlet Do ("WWHD"?) - 5/31/2007 6:24:36 PM

kittinSol

Posts: 16926
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Scraaaaaaaaaatch, but I disagree! Why be a bastard when you can be nice?

Fuck, unless one wants to be 'le Divin Marquis' of course. "Pourquoi faire le bien quand on peut faire le mal?".

I have no idea what went on between Oedipus in his relationship to the other person, but his question hinted that they had a rather significant time together.

It's not always that easy to just 'chop off the dog's tail'. Come on peeps, be kind? It wouldn't hurt anyone :-) .

*feeling in wishy-washy mood*

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Post #: 7

RE: What would Hamlet Do ("WWHD"?) - 5/31/2007 6:39:52 PM

TheHeretic

Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol

Scraaaaaaaaaatch, but I disagree! Why be a bastard when you can be nice?

He WAS nice. Two months ago he was nice. Now he's just being a total pussy.

_____________________________

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.

(in reply to kittinSol)

Post #: 8

RE: What would Hamlet Do ("WWHD"?) - 5/31/2007 6:45:25 PM

kittinSol

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Still, that doesn't solve the problem.

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RE: What would Hamlet Do ("WWHD"?) - 5/31/2007 6:58:32 PM

TheHeretic

Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol

Still, that doesn't solve the problem.

      Nope. You get yourself connected to a psycho-bitch, the thing has to run its' course. Had he had the stones to be an asshole the second call after breaking up, it would be done by now. Instead, the "nice guy" let it roll along this long and is now asking for permission to be a man.

    I'd rather be nice. I always try that first on such occasions. Then we go to 'polite but firm.' When those don't work, you get a bigger hammer.



_____________________________

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.

(in reply to kittinSol)

Post #: 10

RE: What would Hamlet Do ("WWHD"?) - 5/31/2007 6:59:44 PM

farglebargle

Posts: 10715
Joined: 6/15/2005
From: Albany, NY
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I am refraining from comment, as levity in this instance would not help at all.

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It's not every generation that gets to watch a civilization fall. Looks like we're in for a hell of a show.

ברוך אתה, אדוני אלוקינו, ריבון העולמים, מי יוצר צמחים ריחניים

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 11

RE: What would Hamlet Do ("WWHD"?) - 5/31/2007 7:05:48 PM

kittinSol

Posts: 16926
Status: offline

Okkkkay... I don't know whether Oedipus got connected to a 'psychobitch' (I am quoting you). I did say I had no idea what went on in their relationship. I did mention kindness is a default mode before... getting on to something more serious.

Is she really... a... Ahem. Like that? Oedipus?

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Post #: 12

RE: What would Hamlet Do ("WWHD"?) - 5/31/2007 7:07:10 PM

OedipusRexIt

Posts: 634
Joined: 11/15/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TheHeretic

quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol

Still, that doesn't solve the problem.

. Had he had the stones to be an asshole the second call after breaking up, it would be done by now.

... trying to stay on the sidelines, but that's hard for an alpha.

"if he had the stones..." sheesh! Being an asshole is easy, not being one is harder.

Besides, my left one is Gibralter, my right one is Stone Mountain (southern roots, ya see) and they are intact, as of my last glance downward....

_____________________________

"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die..."

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 13

RE: What would Hamlet Do ("WWHD"?) - 5/31/2007 7:14:11 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TheHeretic

There is no "let's still be friends" at this point.

We teach in our classes that in relationships, if one person wants X and the other person does not, the relationship is doomed as the two have different needs and desires.

You have already told her to leave you alone. Now you are simply ignoring her contact.

Allow me to give you a piece of advice as a professional in a related industry. Every contact you give back to the person starts the psychotic cycle over in their head from square one. Continue ignoring her. Delete or block her from emailing you. I would suggest not blocking her calls, because it lets her know you are still thinking about her. Simply screen your calls.

If she is actively tracking you down it is time to involve the police, but if it is simply the nuisance of phone calls and the like, you will live through it. She will eventually tire of her little game or find some other person to turn her attention to.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 14

RE: What would Hamlet Do ("WWHD"?) - 5/31/2007 7:16:29 PM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
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Maybe she just wants to be friends?

I talk to internet friends on the phone on a regular basis. I just enjoy their personality.

If you don't want to be her friend, maybe that's another story.

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)

Post #: 15

RE: What would Hamlet Do ("WWHD"?) - 5/31/2007 7:20:41 PM

TheHeretic

Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OedipusRexIt
Being an asshole is easy, not being one is harder.

Wrong. Taking the easy way out is easy. Doing something hard is harder. NOT ending it decisively when it became clear the message hadn't gone through had nothing to do with being nice to her (JMO of course), it was about sparing yourself something unpleasant. The fact that you've posted this and are apparently asking for permission to do what needs to be done, tells me you still aren't prepared to accept the consequences of your actions. When you lie awake feeling guilty, you want someone to blame besides yourself.

Alpha? Puh-lease.

_____________________________

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)

Post #: 16

RE: What would Hamlet Do ("WWHD"?) - 5/31/2007 7:36:05 PM

dcnovice

Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
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In the strange coincidences department, I just reread Hamlet, and I'm pretty sure you don't want the dour Dane as your role model. You could always try telling your lady to get herself to a nunnery, but don't say you weren't warned if her brother comes after you with a poisoned sword.

_____________________________

No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 17

RE: What would Hamlet Do ("WWHD"?) - 5/31/2007 8:22:19 PM

MzMia

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Joined: 7/30/2004
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I have had this happen to me many times online.
I just told a very nice man, that I don't think we have enough in
common to have anything serious.
Despite this, he wants to IM me and start conversations that lead
me to believe, he wants something to develop more than a "friendship".
I don't feel the need to be nasty or rude.
You can get straight to the point, and not be cruel.
I would cut the conversations SHORT, I would write her a "nice" brief
email stating AGAIN, that you do not see any future with her.
Then, wish her well on her search.
If she continues "the chase" after this email, just stop replying.
When she calls, tell her "in a nice way", you are a busy person and you
do not have the "time" to engage her on the phone at this time.
If, after this, she STILL continues to call, tell her to stop calling you.
Then block her phone number {do this in a nice way}.
It is sad, that AFTER being nice a few times, you have to get TOUGH, not nasty.
But you have the perfect right to reject a fatal attraction and not be harassed.
Good luck-face it you are a chick magnet!

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)

Post #: 18

RE: What would Hamlet Do ("WWHD"?) - 5/31/2007 8:37:48 PM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Two months and she is still calling, she is living in lala land.
Like it or not you just may have to change your phone number- as long as
that number still rings (whether you answer or not- whether there is an answering machine or not)
she is going to continue to call. Have it disconnected- I'll bet she will continue to dial that number
many many times- in the hopes she won't hear "No Longer in Service"
she will be forced to face the fact you are gone and you will be Free! IMO a friendship will not work.
Being rude-mean- asshole now I think would just piss her off and she'll become more of a problem

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 19

RE: What would Hamlet Do ("WWHD"?) - 5/31/2007 8:49:27 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

I tell you what, it would take a hell of a lot more than 1 nut case
to make me change my number.
Block her, if she calls from another number tell her if she continues
to call and harass you, you will report her to the police.
People usually stop at that point.

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to swtnsparkling)

Post #: 20

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