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Silent Submission - 5/9/2007 4:46:17 PM   
littlesubjess


Posts: 305
Joined: 2/2/2006
Status: offline 		Is it possible to live a life of submission in silence ??

I have recently been collared by a female Domme who has had me under consideration since January. W/we have met r/t on a few occasions now and I love to be in her company. She is everything I seek in a Domme, but has points that I am struggling to deal with.

She has 2 male subs ... one that lives with her who has been collared for around 5 years, and another who visits her regularly who has been collared about 18 months. I have met them both, and I get on with them, but I cant help feeling jealous when she is with them and not me. However, I understand that I must accept this if I am to pursue a long term D/s relationship with her.

I used to throw tantrums and cause general grief when she spent more time online or r/t with them than me, and she told me that this was unacceptable behaviour. I now know that it is, and am learning to deal with it and keep my emotions under control. I have thought about walking away from it all more than once, but I know that she would be so good for me if I learn to accept her ways.

But ... something recently happened that really threw me.

When her newer sub comes to stay, she doesnt come online and requests that i dont text or call her whilst he's there. I can understand that because she obviously wants to spend time with him. However, not last time i saw her, but the time before, she accepted calls and text messages from him the whole time i was there. Last time i visited (which was last weekend) i was really ill and almost didnt go at all. The sub came to visit for a day whilst i was there. This had been pre-arranged and was to "aquaint" us and let us meet each other in the flesh. But ... half way through the day, she took the sub to her playroom and request that i join them. I sat and watched for a while and then she asked that i help her to do various things ... which i did, partly out of boredom, and partly to use it as a chance to hurt him, which i know is so so wrong ... it just seemed a good idea at the time.

W/we discussed this online tonight, and i told her how hard i am trying to adjust to the situation and to learn to accept it all etc ... i asked that she refrained from taking me into the playroom whilst she played with other subs. She couldnt understand what the problem was or that i felt pangs of jealousy. It erupted into an argument and with her storming offline. This was the last thing i wanted ... i just wanted to discuss it and let her know my thoughts. I told her that i thought communication was an important factor and that i needed it to aid the relationship. It was no good. I have tried to discuss things with her before only to face similar consequence.

I find this really hard as she is so right in every other situation. I cant understand why she wont listen or take in what im saying. I have resigned myself to the fact that in order to make this work (which is what i want more than anything)., i must live a life of silence, of keeping my mouth shut, and not being able to express my opinions. But, as a person, i am communicative and can be quite opinionated. I will really struggle to change this side of me. Is it possible to live a life of submission in silence ?? Why wont she hear what im saying ??

I'm sure this post is totally garbled, but i need advice ... i dont know what else to do. Its at that stage where emotions are involved and i dont want to walk away from it all ... but i cant get through to her. What do i do ??

All replies will be gratefully received

Jessica x


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And on the eighth day, He created Jessica ...

Anything is possible if you try hard enough ...... xxx

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RE: Silent Submission - 5/9/2007 5:23:13 PM   
Vampyress33


Posts: 32
Joined: 5/30/2005
Status: offline 		Personally, if that was how my Master acted to something i had said that bothered me., i'd seriously consider stepping back from the situation for a while. Let him know i needed a break and to re-assess what type of relationship i was looking for.   Maybe talking on-line wasn't the best way to go about it. If something bothers you THAT much.. personally, i feel phone conversations are much better then trying to type it out in e-mail or IM.. as things can get ment one way and taken completely the other way.

But that's just my two cents.

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RE: Silent Submission - 5/9/2007 5:35:10 PM   
goodpet


Posts: 458
Joined: 6/8/2005
Status: offline 		You accepted the collar so take a look at what you promised and agreed to in the collar or in the contract.  If you said you would accept poly and she could make those decision about contact and play session then you can stand by your word and accept it, or you can ask for re-negations if the contact stipulates that. I mean really, did you agree to this collar and what is happening? Did you find out ahead of time what it would cover? Did you have enough face to face meetings to really see what it would be like? 

I would think it might be time to assess if this online, occasional meeting, does not listen to you, relationship is the one that really meets your needs.

(Disclaimer: "just my opinion".... by saying that, i can say anything i want, right?)

(in reply to Vampyress33)
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RE: Silent Submission - 5/9/2007 5:47:01 PM   
Domin8tingUrDrmz


Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline 		Perhaps it is your method of communicating to her that is causing issues.  I for one would not want someone whining to me about something they knew in advance was going to occur.  Whether or not you were actually whiny I do not know, only you yourself, and your Domme can be certain.  Consider, replaying the conversation in your head, (if you have it still in text consider re-reading it), and try putting yourself on the receiving end of the messages you were sending.  Look to see if it could be construed as whiny, manipulating, attempting to take control, or any other of those things that would annoy a dominant person.  If you notice some of those aspects are included in your conversation, try another approach.  You should not have to live in silence, but you should learn the most effective method of communicating with her, and you must accept that she may not care to make changes.  If she isnt willing to compromise, then you have to decide whether or not you still want to be with her. 

Good luck.

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RE: Silent Submission - 5/9/2007 5:51:56 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Change is hard and therefore unlikely. Expecting her to change isn't fair to her or you. So, you have to ask yourself some questions (this is my mom's advice, once upon a time): If you left would you miss her? Is being in the relationship healthy for you? If the answer to either of these is no, there's serious cause to end the relationship.

If you're reluctant to leave the relationship, you have to really look at how much of yourself you are selling to get love and the collar. Are you sacrificing more than you feel you're getting in return? If yes, then your Prostitute Archetype is working in the shadow and she's trying to tell you that you're selling yourself instead of getting a good barter.

In the end, only you can decide. What this situation might simply be teaching you is that you're not poly...or that she's a poor communicator.

Master Fire


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(in reply to littlesubjess)
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RE: Silent Submission - 5/9/2007 6:29:15 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		Communicating by ims isn't really the greatest way to get what you want across. I could try to talk person to person or on the phone next time. But, either way her refusal to listen to you does seem like it would be a problem. If a shoe was perfect in every way, but was the wrong size would you still try to squeeze into it, because it was other wise perfect?  I do not think you need to learn to live in silence, I think she needs to listen to you some more and if she won't then you have some tough choices to make.

_____________________________

Most of the time if it looks like BS, smells like BS, you probably should not t taste it to see if, in fact, it is BS.


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RE: Silent Submission - 5/9/2007 6:36:24 PM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		To answer your first question, no i do  not think it is possible to live like you are in silence. To expect it of yourself is setting yourself up for certain failure.  It seems from what you discussed that you are accepting of the poly aspect but you want her to always be fair and play no favorite. While this would seem reasonable, it's not practical. i think you have to accept that or leave.  You can't keep score of what she does or how she treats this one better then that one, or this one got more time then me, or she texts him when she's with me but doesn't text me when she's with him.... i doubt many doms would want to have to be accountable to their subs like that, especially when that sub accepted poly - i am assuming you did?

You say you want this more then anything in the world and that to achieve it you have to suffer in silence - how can this be beneficial in the long run?  You will end up resentful eventually when the costs outweigh the benefits of such an arrangement.  Throwing tantrums, causing grief and enjoying the opportunity to hurt this male sub in a scene isn't conducive to creating harmony in a poly situation and it doesn't refelct well on you.   Look at it from her perspective, she wants peace and harmony and has to deal with this kind of behavior - she's probably very frustrated and doesn't know what to do - it's hard to deal and sort out other peoples emotions.   You ask why won't she take in what you are saying and listen to what you are saying - maybe she has but how she is responding isn't what you want to hear? 

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RE: Silent Submission - 5/9/2007 7:08:45 PM   
Tuomas


Posts: 242
Joined: 2/7/2007
Status: offline 		Well, this situation is beyond me. Never been in a place like that, or have any other real experience, so it would be rather thoughtless of me to presume to tell you what to do. However, there is a more general comment I think might help you:

Everyone. Let me stress that: Everyone at the outset of any relationship of any kind sees the other as perfect. It's a natural, platonic flaw in our system. As you get to know people better, however, you start realizing they have things that you don't like. Some of them, you might not be able to live with.

While everything else might seem perfect, this is just the first flaw you are seeing. You have only been reciently collared, and more of these things that you don't like about your Domme will appear.

On the other hand, our society has put too much enfasis on "true love", and everyone being "perfect". They are not. If you think someone is "perfect in every way except X" chances are, you are not being realistic. The realistic part of life tells you that there are things you are just going to have to get used to. If this is the one and only flaw you ever find.. you will be lucky, because most people have lots and lots of flaws. So, maybe you shouldn't be so demanding, remember that you are a submissive, and do as you are told.

(in reply to velvetears)
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RE: Silent Submission - 5/9/2007 8:10:16 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		Just from reading your post...it sounds like this type of relationship isn't what you're looking for. You might have thought that this was something you could do, but you obviously begrudge Her time with the other submissives. And, acting out isn't going to solve the problem if you feel like you want to continue with the relationship.
 
Maybe you should list your concerns on a piece of paper and sit down with your Domina and ask about all of them. I say write them down so that you will be able to cover everything in one sitting. Be ready to hear answers that you may not like.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to littlesubjess)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Silent Submission - 5/9/2007 8:14:14 PM   
ICGsteve


Posts: 202
Joined: 2/2/2005
Status: offline 		I don't don't know either of you, so I don't know about your situation. Something to consider however: We only know ourselves by the wake we leave in this world. We are too close to ourselves to see ourselves in any way but than by what our relection off of others people looks like. Speaking is one of the many ways that we interact with the world, and the results of this interaction is how we know ourselves.

In your case the purpose of silence could be to bring you into full awareness of how what you say creates who you are. It could be a short term lesson so that in the future you will control you mouth very well because you now know how important your choice or words, and ability to use words are.

It could also be that the plan is that one you are deprived of speech the other ways that you interact with the world will compensate. For instance when a person looses their sight their hearing often compensates. A person without sight is not only more aware of what they hear, they often have listening abilities that they did not have before. You might be deprived of speech in order to build up other abilities, for instance to communicate with body language or to improve your ability to service others with the rest of your body.

There are many possibilities, including that this person wants shrink your ego or induce personality melt-down (destroy who you are).

I think I would want to have some idea of what the goal is here, and to make a decision about whether the stated goals make sense. As a Dom I rarely feel the urge to explain things to my wife, but this is a situation that is high risk to the core of who you are, you might demand that your Dom explains enough to you that you can have confidence that they know what they are doing.

(in reply to Tuomas)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Silent Submission - 5/9/2007 8:26:27 PM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		Hey Steve. ~polite nod~ Reminds me of a part of "The Five People You Meet In Heaven" in which the blue man, addressing the main character's discomfort in his ability to speak, says "It helps you to listen."

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You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

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RE: Silent Submission - 5/9/2007 8:43:42 PM   
robertolapiedra


Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hello littlesubjess. I think you need a break. Why don't you ask for timeout? (use a phone!) If the communication has gone awry what's the logic in being silent? What will your nonverbal communication say?

Do you or don't you like to be in a poly situation with male subs involved. Maybe you would do fine in another 'type' of poly. Maybe you do not like poly at all! If I was responsible for you, you would be taking a couple of weeks to chill. Then I would find the time to have a nice discussion alone with you to know where your at. But then again I don't know anything really about poly households. All I know is that Thruth works best for everybody, being silent is sometimes just another way of lying or deceiving. RL.

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RE: Silent Submission - 5/9/2007 8:58:28 PM   
ICGsteve


Posts: 202
Joined: 2/2/2005
Status: offline 		I may have misunderstood the OP when I wrote post 10, I took it as silence was demanded which may not be the situation. The importance of speech, of being heard, pointed to in  #10 still stands.

(in reply to robertolapiedra)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Silent Submission - 5/9/2007 9:33:45 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesubjess

Is it possible to live a life of submission in silence ??

Not unless you want to be a doormat. Good communication is necessary in any relationship.

When her newer sub comes to stay, she doesnt come online and requests that i dont text or call her whilst he's there. I can understand that because she obviously wants to spend time with him. However, not last time i saw her, but the time before, she accepted calls and text messages from him the whole time i was there.

RED FLAG!! She is being unfair to you. Unfairness serves no purpose and leads to deep resentment that is difficult if not impossible to overcome.

i asked that she refrained from taking me into the playroom whilst she played with other subs. She couldnt understand what the problem was or that i felt pangs of jealousy.

Have you been happy in other poly relationships in the past?  If so, this might be more of an unfairness issue than jealousy over her having other subs. If not, you need to do some self analysis. Was poly a fantasy of yours before you became involved with her or are you forcing yourself to accept something that's against who you are as a person? 

I cant understand why she wont listen or take in what im saying. I have resigned myself to the fact that in order to make this work (which is what i want more than anything)., i must live a life of silence, of keeping my mouth shut, and not being able to express my opinions.

Here you're sounding way too desperate and needy. Remember "That which is unconquered is appealing and that which is totally conquered loses its fascination." 

I'm sure this post is totally garbled, but i need advice ...

The next time you try to communicate your feelings to her and she treats you like shit, instead of arguing with her, make yourself invisible on messenger for a few days. When you talk to her again, don't stay on the phone or talk to her on messenger for more than 15 minutes. Tell her you're busy. If you make yourself appear busy and hard to reach, she will notice you alot more. The last thing you want to do is appear needy. If this doesn't get her attention or if through self-analysis, you discover poly isn't for you, end the relationship. Trust someone who learned this from personal experience: Unless unfairness is one of your cravings, putting up with it will ultimately destroy you.



< Message edited by defiantbadgirl -- 5/9/2007 9:46:17 PM >

_____________________________


Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


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(in reply to littlesubjess)
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RE: Silent Submission - 5/9/2007 10:49:20 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		DB, I have no patience for people who behaves in an emotionally manipulative way, such as saying he or she is busy when their not, they're  saying it just pulling a tantrum and try to manipulate me.. Please do not advise other subs to behave poorly because they have issues with Mistress. Pouty manipulative sulky behavior isn;t the way to address the problem.

little subjess, please don't think that acting in the way described is any kind of a good idea, or proper.

_____________________________

Most of the time if it looks like BS, smells like BS, you probably should not t taste it to see if, in fact, it is BS.


(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Silent Submission - 5/10/2007 4:41:41 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Hello jess,

Do you harbour the hope or wish that it could be you, and you alone in a relationship with her?

How much time do you spend trying to accept the situation, compared with hating it?

How much of the time are you happy with it?

How much time do you spend wondering, worrying or totting up the amount of attention you get?

Is the cost worth the benefit?

Do you think that, even though she is someone that you consider *good for you*, that you might better suit a *one on one* situation?

Keeping silent is unlikely to *make it work*. You're unlikely to be *silent* to yourself, no matter how quiet you are with her.............and it WILL show.

If you've thrown tantrums, shown off and caused grief over this, there a chance that when you start to speak about your jealousy etc, that she's anticipating another *row*, and heading off to avoid it. There's also the chance that she is juggling three people and doesn't have the patience or time to do so effectively.

Perhaps she IS hearing what you're saying ........but maybe YOU'RE not hearing what you're saying.

agirl


 




(in reply to littlesubjess)
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RE: Silent Submission - 5/10/2007 6:40:21 AM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FelinePersuasion

DB, I have no patience for people who behaves in an emotionally manipulative way, such as saying he or she is busy when their not, they're  saying it just pulling a tantrum and try to manipulate me.
The mistress is the one who is behaving in an emotionally manipulative way. If she can't treat all subs EQUALLY then she shouldn't have more than one. UNFAIRNESS is emotionally manipulative.
. Please do not advise other subs to behave poorly because they have issues with Mistress. Pouty manipulative sulky behavior isn;t the way to address the problem.
How is she behaving poorly? She has tried to be open and honest and her mistress has a communication problem. She has been addressing the problem in the correct way with openness and honesty and it's NOT WORKING. If she takes my advice she will appear much less needy. Also, she doesn't have to lie when she says she's busy. She could be busy with laundry, cooking, cleaning, going out with friends, etc.

little subjess, please don't think that acting in the way described is any kind of a good idea, or proper.

Why, because it might actually work?


I still stand by what I say. Non-consentual unfairness will ultimately destroy anyone. Obviously, by taking the collar she consented to being a sub and will never be treated as equal to her Mistress. But did she consent to being treated unfairly in comparison to the other subs? Big difference.

< Message edited by defiantbadgirl -- 5/10/2007 6:41:09 AM >

_____________________________


Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


Collared by MartinSpankalot May 13 2008

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Silent Submission - 5/10/2007 7:39:27 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		she's not asking you to not communicate your feelings; you did that, she heard you and now she chooses not to play into your emotional reactiveness, and to do things her way, which is her choice...

now your choice is to take the situation as it stands or to walk away, sounds pretty simple to me.

(in reply to littlesubjess)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Silent Submission - 5/10/2007 7:43:26 AM   
HellsMichelle


Posts: 63
Joined: 2/24/2006
From: HOUSTON TEXAS
Status: offline 		Not to point out the obvious before reading the rest of the responses, BUT....

Have you considered the fact that you may not be poly?

Poly requires a lot of scheduling and acceptance of times that may lack the one on one attention you really sound like you desire.

While she may be the Bees Knees, she is not the only player on the block. Why not try someone who is looking for one on one?

just my two cents worth and you get what ya pay for, M

(in reply to littlesubjess)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Silent Submission - 5/10/2007 7:51:16 AM   
HellsMichelle


Posts: 63
Joined: 2/24/2006
From: HOUSTON TEXAS
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FelinePersuasion

DB, I have no patience for people who behaves in an emotionally manipulative way, such as saying he or she is busy when their not, they're  saying it just pulling a tantrum and try to manipulate me.. Please do not advise other subs to behave poorly because they have issues with Mistress. Pouty manipulative sulky behavior isn;t the way to address the problem.

little subjess, please don't think that acting in the way described is any kind of a good idea, or proper.


HUZAHH! and cudos to you, Sir! Those little games are retarded. They do not promote healthy communication, instead reinforcing manipulation. Grown-ups don't need to act like that and if you are too immature to handle these problems in an adult manner then please do not get into a BDSM relationship. or any relationship. it'd be unfair to any partner of either side of the fence!!!

[see I did go back and read the follow up posts!]

just my two cents and ya get what you pay for,

M

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)
Profile   Post #: 20
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