M/s Relationships And Attending Events

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Elegant -> M/s Relationships And Attending Events (5/8/2007 7:32:37 AM)
In another post someone stated: "Most people who live their M/s dynamic full time do not attend events because of the misunderstandings." (MasterNdorei) For the purpose of my question and, hopefully, ensuing comments, the following meanings: (NOTE: These are not meant to be ‘twue’ definitions but, rather, interpretations for the purpose of clarity in questions and answers. This is not meant to be a debate on terminology of these concepts below) M/s Relationship: Master/slave and/or Dominant/Submissive. Not necessarily to include S/m activities. Events: Conventions, educational classes, workshops, runs, discussion groups, etc for alternative lifestyles. May or may not also include play time. Play Parties: Dungeon nights, public play spaces etc. MasterNdorei, is this assumption or is there verifiable evidence to back this statement? Master Archer and I attend many events (as interpreted above). We enjoy learning and sharing and, in fact, strive to impart information to clear up this often-misunderstood relationship choice. Before I became slave to Master Archer I was in a vanilla marriage and my then husband and I participated in events that would improve our chosen relationship choice and ourselves and also shared our own knowledge to those who were interested. The only difference in these two situations is the type of relationship. We do attend play parties but not as often as we do events. Time is the reason for not attending more play parties and related activities. But, even when we are at play parties/public play spaces/dungeons we use the opportunity to share with others when asked. Yes, some people do ‘misunderstand’ but the only way to dispel misunderstandings is to face them head on and discuss with those who have questions. We are in a Master/slave relationship but that does not and should not make us ashamed to be with other folks who also lead alternative lifestyles. Our relationship choice is neither better nor worse than others and to hide in fear of confrontation from others who do not follow society norms is to hide from ourselves. It’s bad enough that many of us in Master/slave relationships have to screen ourselves from those who only believe in more traditional relationships. Thoughts?

jaunty1 -> RE: M/s Relationships And Attending Events (5/8/2007 7:38:58 AM)
I agree. My slave and I are 24/7/365; M/s; in our home and outside our home. We attend quite a few functions here in Alaska when we get the chance to do so. Our relationship is not put on a shelf while we are at these functions. In addtion to this, when visiting familiy and friends; our relationship is still there for all to see. As of yet, we have not run into any of the 'misunderstandings' that were mentioned. We do not seperate our private life from our public life in this area. I am always her owner; she is always my property. We are very social and we do not limit our exposure to the public because of our relationship. Live well Alex

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: M/s Relationships And Attending Events (5/8/2007 7:43:13 AM)
Well I've heard it often enough- that people in extreme/non kink involving/stoic forms of ownership tend to feel left out, castigated, looked down on, and completely misunderstood even within events, so they simply stay away from general them and form small, private relationships. Back in my AOL days, this was commonly referred to as "going underground." Of course one shouldn't go to events they won't feel comfortable in- but I think it's much more often a case of arrogance and lack of social skills and talk about not fitting in well is just a good shield to put the blame on others. Expecting any large group to understand or accept your relationship is pointless- I can't tell you how hard it is for me not to roll my eyes EVERY time someone says to me "Switch huh? How exactly do you make that work?" or "I could never understand how you can have multiple partners, don't you feel left out sometimes?" Do I feel left out and misunderstood and not quite fitting in sometimes? Absolutely. I did when I was an owned slave, I did when I was single, and I do now in my relationship with my partner. The interesting thing is that I don't know any person who hasn't felt left out or misunderstood at least some of the time. The question really comes down to- is this event good for me? I think most of the ones who talk about being castigated would really enjoy the Ms Conference and other events, but once an issue is created, everything starts to become a battle against it- so it's easier to stay private, act "cooler" and form your own little treehouse club where you never have to worry about that sort of thing. Again, I'm fine if a person NEVER wants to go to a single munch or party or convention or anything- you certainly don't need it in order to be a great master or slave. But I dislike when people blame "everyone else" and their lack of understanding as a reason to hide under a bush.

Elegant -> RE: M/s Relationships And Attending Events (5/8/2007 7:47:25 AM)
quote: But I dislike when people blame "everyone else" and their lack of understanding as a reason to hide under a bush. Agreed!

Ericus1 -> RE: M/s Relationships And Attending Events (5/8/2007 7:48:53 AM)
While i was owned, it was general knowledge to all of our friends. We didn't try to hide it any. My name to my Mistress was slave about 80% of the time; even in public. This included the grocery store, the mall, wherever. It was just the way we lived. We went to the events we wanted to. For those people who didn't like our lifestyle, to bad. Their thoughts weren't our concern. But we were always happy to answer honest questions from anyone about our lifestyle. ericus

Wyrd -> RE: M/s Relationships And Attending Events (5/8/2007 7:57:53 AM)
My slaves and I attend many events, and I do have to explain the difference between a slave and a submissive at times, but I am used to that, we will be attending SELF next month, and there are numerous workshops I am interested in there. I went underground for quite a few years though, people will undermine a Master/slave relationship, and attempt to instill drama where it is not welcome, but I have learned to cope and deal with it by making my relationship with my slaves more solid so that they resist the poison apple that many attempt to slip into their ear.

Elegant -> RE: M/s Relationships And Attending Events (5/8/2007 8:05:25 AM)
Wooohooo..We'll see you at SELF!

BeingChewsie -> RE: M/s Relationships And Attending Events (5/8/2007 8:07:36 AM)
I have heard it enough that there is probably some truth to it. We do not attend anything related to BDSM and we are an Owner/property dynamic.

daddysprop247 -> RE: M/s Relationships And Attending Events (5/8/2007 8:15:50 AM)
my Master and i don't attend large bdsm functions/events and we stay away from the most popular bdsm club in the area, Crucible, not so much because we would feel like pariahs (we probably would, but that's not something my Master minds at all), but because it's just not our thing. most larger social lifestyle events are focused almost 100% on the bdsm/leather crowd, and those who are M/s or D/s sans toy bag are generally viewed by the mainstream community as a bit of a puzzle. we've also encountered quite a few people (regulars of all major lifestyle events) who wore the same label of Master and slave that we do, yet got to know us somewhat and thought we were freaks because for us this is "real" and not a kinky roleplay. so for the most part we do limit ourselves to attending private functions of smaller more D/s-M/s oriented groups. we check out one of the smaller bdsm clubs/groups in the area from time to time mostly to network, but that's about it. as for non-lifestyle related events, we never hide our relationship dynamic but we don't broadcast it from the street corners either. we are just ourselves, and people who interact with us quickly get an idea of how our relationship works, even if they don't know the labels.

KnightofMists -> RE: M/s Relationships And Attending Events (5/9/2007 3:34:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Elegant In another post someone stated: "Most people who live their M/s dynamic full time do not attend events because of the misunderstandings." (MasterNdorei) I wouldn't personally agree with this line of thinking at all. I live a M/s dynamic and attend events when I can. In fact, I don't believe I know anyone personally that live M/s that doesn't attend events of one type or another when they are able. There are those that don't attend.. and there are those that do attend... but... it more their desire for privacy than their relationship style that will affect their choice to attend or not.

Pezzle -> RE: M/s Relationships And Attending Events (5/9/2007 4:04:43 PM)
Interesting to see these takes. I'm in a lifestyle but I've never done the public 'scene' thing so to speak. Master and I are most eager to engage, though!

Mercnbeth -> RE: M/s Relationships And Attending Events (5/9/2007 4:50:15 PM)
We go to all the events mentioned by the OP, whom we've had the pleasure to meet, as often as possible. The Folsom Fringe and Folsom Street Fair is something we circle on the calender as soon as we get a new one. Why? It's fun! The second big reason is that it is refreshing and empowering to be in the company of others who, like us, are looked upon as "freaks" by a large portion of the general 'vanilla' public. We get to "dress-up" or, often in beth's case - undress, and enjoy the freedom of expressing. There may be nothing gained by our participation at these events, but we feel there would be a lot lost if we didn't participate. Lost would be the people, who without the opportunity of these events, would would have never met. We have met people who have become close friends. Is amazes me how the general conversation at these events is no different than any social setting. Everything is discussed. I can't remember how many, or even if, the issue of defining roles or labels of sub/slave etcetera have come up. I have never seen any prejudice or ostracizing to people who are "casually" involved in WIITWD. When you talk to people, you talk to people. They can be of any gender or sexual preference and participate 24/7 or 1/2 hour every other month. When you chat you don't preface any conversation with "so, are you 24/7 or a weekend warrior?" I don't remember anyone not being open and accepting. However, I think that comes from a warped perspective and attitude. We talk to everyone and anyone about anything. Instead of going to an empty table we try to find a table with one or two empty chairs and ask if we can join the group. We also are a 'we'. From personal experience I know it can be much different as a single I/me. It comes down to getting out of any public event what you put into it. Admittedly it takes a dose of confidence and an appreciation that any rejection encountered isn't personal. There are egos and personalities involved. The percentage of people you like at a lifestyle event will most likely be the same as the percentage you like at any social event. But the good thing is that you have something very basic in common. Going to a bar you assume everyone enjoys a drink. Until you get to know them better however you never know if they like a 'Jack & Coke' or 'White Wine Spritzer'. Everyone who can go should go. A munch is the least threating. At a public event like Folsom Street Fair you can attend "undercover"; dressing like any of the other 'vanillas' who come every year to take pictures and point. Pay the price of admission and you can come to a club and meet people, watch, and "whatever" as your comfort level permits. Whether this is true or not; In another post someone stated: "Most people who live their M/s dynamic full time do not attend events because of the misunderstandings." (MasterNdorei) Who knows? Who cares? Being like "most people" was never my intent or goal long before I mustered up enough courage to walk into my first event in NYC many years ago. And being "misunderstood" is a daily occurrence - it may as well occur at a great event like the Folsom Fringe!

Wildfleurs -> RE: M/s Relationships And Attending Events (5/9/2007 6:11:11 PM)
I would say personally (I can't speak for my owner) that while we do go to events, I wouldn't say I get terribly much from going to events these days. I don't find much to learn (in general, there have been notable exceptions), and I'm not big on educating the public at large within the SM community on my dynamic. So basically what I do get out of it is socializing with people I know, and using different sorts of BDSM equipment and thats definitely enough for me! Broadly speaking the reason why I don't find that I get much educationally from my involvement is because I find generally the workshops are either much of the same (that I already know about) or simply a topic I don't find very interesting. We tried going to a MaST meeting but it was so boring that my owner almost literally fell asleep - it seemed to be predominately people fairly early into a relationship or not even in a M/s relationship running around calling themselves master this or slave thisandthat. Not really appealing to either of us. C~

TigressFL -> RE: M/s Relationships And Attending Events (5/9/2007 8:09:51 PM)
All the people that I know that are in an M/s relationship could care less about who understands and who does not understand. They go to play parties and events without issue. They do not discuss their relationship unless asked. If people talk shit about them behind their backs they will sit the person down and find out what their issue is (which rarely are they ever told that someone is running their mouth). They do not think about if people will have an issue or not they just live their life and help educate others when the opportunity presents itself. Personally I have witnessed more issues arise for heavy players and loud subs and bottoms in a scene than I have seen issues about someone being M/s. Now online many people tend to cringe when they hear the word slave because they equate it with doormat which could not be further from the truth.

aSlavesLife -> RE: M/s Relationships And Attending Events (5/10/2007 6:33:37 AM)
I have attended events in the past, always on invitation. I had rather consume fresh dog vomit than to attend another one. Not because I felt outcast, but because everyone else seemed so damned fake and forced. I mean, does everyone really strut around their homes wearing chaps with their ass cheeks hanging out every day? But if it floats your boat to go to them, then be my guest. Just remember that some of us don't feel the need to show people how kinky we can be.

Alumbrado -> RE: M/s Relationships And Attending Events (5/10/2007 6:48:57 AM)
Perhaps keeping score of what all the other attendees are 'doing wrong' might be a contributing factor to some folks' lack of enjoyment at events.[;)] .

aurora31 -> RE: M/s Relationships And Attending Events (5/10/2007 7:02:50 AM)
When I was a single submissive living in St. Louis I attended every local event that I knew of and a few in Chicago. Now I am in a 24/7 poly M/s relationship. And still we go to as many events as we can as a family. Unfortunately due to are location it is not as nearly as often as we would like. For the closest group/play party we have to travel 1 1/2 hrs each way. Luckily there are several other M/s households in the city of the group/play party and we often stay the night with one of them. We also enjoy sharing our views with any one who is interest and Sir and his alpha have presented on a national level. Later this month I will get the honor to present at an event with them along with my sister slave. We also have other M/s or D/s couples/households over for dinner parties. aurora

Argentopal -> RE: M/s Relationships And Attending Events (5/10/2007 7:32:21 AM)
Just some random thoughs, comments and questions: Not because I felt outcast, but because everyone else seemed so damned fake and forced. I mean, does everyone really strut around their homes wearing chaps with their ass cheeks hanging out every day? No, most people, no matter their fetish, do not strut around their homes like that. But who wears a tux at home, who wears a cocktail dress and their best jewlry to clean house, who has steak and a marvelous wine every night ... no one does, but isn't it fun to dress up and go out for a fine dinner sometimes? People who have a fetish or even just want to feel like they look really hot need a place to do that. Just like the ones who do enjoy seeing people in full out fetish gear need a place to go see it. One of the groups we used to attend very regularly had monthly parties and they were fun, but the group had an annual event that was bigger and for that one everyone wore "their best" and the coustumes ala Renn Fair, the leather, latex, feathers, guys in ballerina tutus, women in thigh hi boots ... they all made the atmosphere so much different and more energized. Now - personally, we do not go all out in that way, Argent has one "pirate/gypsy" shirt and a couple of different leather vests (ummm that he wore back when we CW danced all the time) and I have a few things put together from "vanilla wear" to look fetishy. But, just because we do not wear it all, we still enjoy seeing it, and wearing it does not make someone fake. From some other comments here it almost seems as if there is a feeling that if a couple includes bd-sm in their relationship it means they cannot be in a "twue" M/s relationship ...??? huh??? Have I misunderstood some of the feelings expressed here? If you are in an "owner-property" relationship and you see someone flog their submissive do you assume that they are NOT really in an M/s relationship? If so - why would you think that, I do not understand that line of thought amd would like to at least see how someone can think that. If you are owner and property and it fulfills something in the owners personality to flog someone, and they own someone, why can't they flog them? I hope I wrote that in a way that makes sense. But if it floats your boat to go to them, then be my guest. Just remember that some of us don't feel the need to show people how kinky we can be. I have no need to show people how kinky I can be. Actually that is best left for the privacy of our home/bedroom/dungeon/ trees outside! We go to alot less now that we did in the past, but we have been going to things for 10 years now and there really is only so much time and $$ to go around, and we have found a smallish, close circle of friends that we really enjoy spending time with. Some of our friends love to wear fetish gear when they can, some love to wear Renn Fair garb, some like to be naked, some wear totally vanilla clothing. Some of the subs kneel, some stand quietly, some simply sit. No one is showing off, they are acting in a way that makes them feel good in a situation that they know is safe - as opposed to crawling on hands and knees on a leash in the grocery store or kneeling in the asile of a busy restaurant. Some people enjoy an outlet for their fetish and should not be regaled as fake because they do. We are an M/s and have never felt left out or disrespected - in fact just the opposite.

aSlavesLife -> RE: M/s Relationships And Attending Events (5/10/2007 8:43:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Argentopal Just some random thoughs, comments and questions: Not because I felt outcast, but because everyone else seemed so damned fake and forced. I mean, does everyone really strut around their homes wearing chaps with their ass cheeks hanging out every day? No, most people, no matter their fetish, do not strut around their homes like that. But who wears a tux at home, who wears a cocktail dress and their best jewlry to clean house, who has steak and a marvelous wine every night ... no one does, but isn't it fun to dress up and go out for a fine dinner sometimes? People who have a fetish or even just want to feel like they look really hot need a place to do that. Just like the ones who do enjoy seeing people in full out fetish gear need a place to go see it. One of the groups we used to attend very regularly had monthly parties and they were fun, but the group had an annual event that was bigger and for that one everyone wore "their best" and the coustumes ala Renn Fair, the leather, latex, feathers, guys in ballerina tutus, women in thigh hi boots ... they all made the atmosphere so much different and more energized. Now - personally, we do not go all out in that way, Argent has one "pirate/gypsy" shirt and a couple of different leather vests (ummm that he wore back when we CW danced all the time) and I have a few things put together from "vanilla wear" to look fetishy. But, just because we do not wear it all, we still enjoy seeing it, and wearing it does not make someone fake. I guess that it is hard for me to get your point about dressing up for dinner, because I don't do that either. I did not say that it was wrong, though, I said it seemed fake. I also found that everyone calling one another " Master " this, " Lady " that and so on to be equally fake. Nothing wrong with renfaires, but they don't pretend to not be fake. Just the opposite, in fact. Rennies aren't pretending to be real. I don't give a rats ass if you want to go to a BDSM event, a formal dinner, or a ren fair. But at the same time, I will not care to attend. I will also continue to think of it as flaunting ones kinkiness, and I am entitled to my opinion whether it distresses you or not. Many had posted that the M/s people they knew enjoyed such events. I was simply stating that I did not. I also hate rap and feel that it insults the word music by association. Are you going to take offense at this opinion of mine as well? From some other comments here it almost seems as if there is a feeling that if a couple includes bd-sm in their relationship it means they cannot be in a "twue" M/s relationship ...??? huh??? Have I misunderstood some of the feelings expressed here? If you are in an "owner-property" relationship and you see someone flog their submissive do you assume that they are NOT really in an M/s relationship? If so - why would you think that, I do not understand that line of thought amd would like to at least see how someone can think that. If you are owner and property and it fulfills something in the owners personality to flog someone, and they own someone, why can't they flog them? I hope I wrote that in a way that makes sense. Again, don't give a rats ass if you flog someone or not. But if you are only flogging them at BDSM events, you are probably only playing at it to show everyone how kinky you are. Not that I care, but I don't care to waste my time going and watching either. But if it floats your boat to go to them, then be my guest. Just remember that some of us don't feel the need to show people how kinky we can be. I have no need to show people how kinky I can be. Actually that is best left for the privacy of our home/bedroom/dungeon/ trees outside! We go to alot less now that we did in the past, but we have been going to things for 10 years now and there really is only so much time and $$ to go around, and we have found a smallish, close circle of friends that we really enjoy spending time with. Some people enjoy an outlet for their fetish and should not be regaled as fake because they do. So this is about tolerance, is it? Some of us find events to be pompous, cliquish, self indulgent, and a waste of time. And how many threads on CM have people stated that they don't trust people that aren't active in such nonsense? I guess that tolerance isn't a two way street. And as for an outlet for a fetish, is not the home an ideal setting for such a thing? And yet you yourself admit that they are not parading around like that at home. Isn't this a little telling to you? Perhaps not, but to me it screams " Ohhh, look at me! Kinky is hip, and I am super, mega, kingsize hip! ". Yes, I think that they are Yuppies playing at kink because kink is vogue. This is my opinion, and one that any amount of bashing and flaming will reinforce, not negate. We are an M/s and have never felt left out or disrespected - in fact just the opposite.

MsOpal -> RE: M/s Relationships And Attending Events (5/10/2007 10:03:01 AM)
wow ... (now deleating what I wanted to post) I hope you have a better afternoon since it would appear you had a pretty antagonizing morning. Personally, I also "don't give a rat's ass" what you think of me and while I find that commet to be rather insulting, since you do not think it is I have no qualms about saying it here. I took no offense at anything you or anyone else said - like yourself, was stating MY feelings and was attempting to use examples ( a good debate tacitc) to underscore those opinions. To each his own and ymmv - I remain undistressed and in fact, thank you for a good laugh. BTW - love your tag line!

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