RE: Doms and fem subs going the distance?

RE: Doms and fem subs going the distance? (Full Version)

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LMsdevotedone -> RE: Doms and fem subs going the distance? (4/24/2007 7:26:10 AM)
6 years collard and 5 years married and we going strong

RavenMuse -> RE: Doms and fem subs going the distance? (4/24/2007 7:32:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Well I look at it comparing to the vanilla experience. Say most vanillas start dating at about age 16- when do most vanillas get married and committed to a long term relationship? A decade later? How long have most of the people around here been in the scene? I think it will take almost a decade for most of them to really settle and get into the long term mode. Very good point. I got introduced in My mid teens by a young lady who spotted that Dominant side to Me (But didn't spot I was a few years younger than she thought I was). It wasn't till a few years later that I started the first relationship to really work longer term.

Wildfleurs -> RE: Doms and fem subs going the distance? (4/24/2007 7:37:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MariaB Im a people watcher by nature! Yeah a real voyeur if you like I think you can learn a lot from observing what is going on around you. One thing that interests me is the long term relationships in the things we do. This is what I have noticed and I am not talking about on screen cyber play but the real McCoy. Swithces seem to be the highest in holding together a long term relationship and by that I mean more than 5 years. Fem Dommes and male subs also seem to go the distance. I know a fair few Mistresses that are married to their sub and that includes myself for 17 years. Dominant men and submissive women seem few and far between after the five year period. Please note that this is only my observation and nothing more. I would love to hear from fem subs with male doms that have lasted for 5 years or more. Nine years for us. C~

BeingChewsie -> RE: Doms and fem subs going the distance? (4/24/2007 7:43:42 AM)
We have been together 7 years. quote: ORIGINAL: MariaB Im a people watcher by nature! Yeah a real voyeur if you like I think you can learn a lot from observing what is going on around you. One thing that interests me is the long term relationships in the things we do. This is what I have noticed and I am not talking about on screen cyber play but the real McCoy. Swithces seem to be the highest in holding together a long term relationship and by that I mean more than 5 years. Fem Dommes and male subs also seem to go the distance. I know a fair few Mistresses that are married to their sub and that includes myself for 17 years. Dominant men and submissive women seem few and far between after the five year period. Please note that this is only my observation and nothing more. I would love to hear from fem subs with male doms that have lasted for 5 years or more.

CreativeDominant -> RE: Doms and fem subs going the distance? (4/24/2007 7:48:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MariaB Im a people watcher by nature! Yeah a real voyeur if you like I think you can learn a lot from observing what is going on around you. One thing that interests me is the long term relationships in the things we do. This is what I have noticed and I am not talking about on screen cyber play but the real McCoy. Swithces seem to be the highest in holding together a long term relationship and by that I mean more than 5 years. Fem Dommes and male subs also seem to go the distance. I know a fair few Mistresses that are married to their sub and that includes myself for 17 years. Dominant men and submissive women seem few and far between after the five year period. Please note that this is only my observation and nothing more. I would love to hear from fem subs with male doms that have lasted for 5 years or more. In the 10 years since my marriage starting breaking up, I have been involved in 2 serious D/s relationships and one more-casual-but-still long-term D/s relationship. Dynamics did play a part in the casual one...she wanted to explore her dominant side and set her submissive side for awhile. We are still friends and she has found that she only feels submissive when she is around me for any length of time...that's not bragging on my part, that is her statement. The first long term D/s relationship was dynamics...I did what a responsible dominant is supposed to do and sent her home to straighten out the part of her life that was interfering with our life together. We too are still friends but it is bittersweet because she chose to go back home and stay with the "mess", at least until her kids were raised. The last long-term relationship had nothing to do with me looking around behind her back...once her job stabilized, she decided against relocation and has since moved her former dominant back into her life. Not all of us male dominants get bored or restless or quit dominating. Sometimes, strange as it seems, it can be the femsubmissive who gets bored or restless or can't get her .......stuff...together.

OsideGirl -> RE: Doms and fem subs going the distance? (4/24/2007 7:51:01 AM)
We've been together 7 years and just celebrated our 6th anniversary. We've known each other for 10 years. I think part of the reason the D/s relationships tend not to last is that many people lose their heads when they become involved with D/s. Instead of dating and discovering if their core values are similar and if they really even like each other, many rush into serious relationships. The number of D/s relationships that I know that have survived are far lower than the number of vanilla relationships that I know and I think that is the reason. People get so hung up on the titles that they don't look at who that person is, just what that person identifies themselves as.

AquaticSub -> RE: Doms and fem subs going the distance? (4/24/2007 7:56:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MariaB Its really nice to hear success stories and on this occasion I would be happy to be proved wrong but even those people that do go the distance must notice that this seems to be fairly uncommon amongst male dominants and fem subs? This has not been my experience at all. I only know of one or two fem dom/male sub couples in successful long-term relationships, the vast majority of long-term successful BDSM couples I know are male dom/fem sub. Hopefully, Valyraen and I will be joining their ranks in a few years.

MasterNdorei -> RE: Doms and fem subs going the distance? (4/24/2007 8:19:10 AM)
Most of the long term M/s couples we know have nothing to do with online interactions and BDSM social events. Even if they met online or at socials many tend to drift off into their own lives once they connect with their mate. So this may indicate the percentage of long term male dominated M/s & D/s couples is a little higher than it appears. When i was active on the local scene in southern Cal, there were a number of couples who were established (married, had years together, etc) before discovering the lifestyle. Would they be considered in this question? Still i think the OP has some good points... things i have noticed too... i have known 5 or 6 "Doms" who follow the pattern the OP mentions in being happy with a sub for only a short time before looking for another. i have heard subs complain about this endlessly. i know of several women who spent a weekend with a "Dom", were invited back, the "Dom" still showed interest in them, yet the Dom spent hours online with other subs while they were there in person to serve. It reminds me of the dog who chases cars, but has no idea what to do with one when they catch it. i watched three "Doms" i knew in the local scene go through multiple subs, over a period of years. Some of the girls became my friends. It was not that the subs were mismatched. The "Doms" seriously were at a loss, or were somehow driven more by the chase than the catch. Of the couples i know or have spoken to, where the women relate as sub to the One they serve but want to be dominant over anyone who joins them, it seems to be because they are somewhat intimidated by the idea of a new woman. Stating up front that they will be dominant gives them more control over the situation, in their minds. At the risk of being flamed to death, i admit this is the most common conclusion i come to, after talking to the women. i have spoken to a few who have their submissive needs completely met by the One who dominates them and therefore have no desire to submit in any fashion to another, not even in name. What i do not understand is why they do not chose to be equals, or an alpha slave. i have spoken to a few women who are actively bi, and prefer the dominating role sexually when they are with other women, and this is the reason they prefer to be dominant over any other women who will join them, but this has been the rarest of the dynamics i have personally encountered. This thread raised a question for me... is there a chance the female Dommes are more comfortable interacting in lifestyle forums because they are more accepted in their dominating roles? Being submissive, i am clueless as to how dominating women feel they are accepted in the vanilla world. Might this be why more female dominated couples are here (in a lifestyle forum) to be counted? Master & i are going on two years, so our experience together is not long enough to be considered... yet. Master's dorei

MsOpal -> RE: Doms and fem subs going the distance? (4/24/2007 8:32:53 AM)
We have lived together for 27 years. We have been married for 25 years. We have been 'kinky' for 27 years. We have been 24/7 Ds for almost 10 years. We had a "recollaring" and sort of did a recommittment to our Ds after 8 years. (the very beginning was alone and private, the recollaring was done as a real ceremony like a marriage with many friends present). We knew no one in person in the beginning of the Ds and we members of a few online email groups. We joined 2 large local/regonal groups soon because we felt we needed friends we could share this with and learn from. We have atteneded, participated in, volunteered for, and presented at numerous local/regonal/state events ove the past 10 years. We have made so many good friends. About 1 year ago it just all seemed like "why bother" - the attendance at events, not the Ds. We have almost totally dropped out of the "public scene" and now enjoy quieter weekends at home with a few like minded, long term couples of various persuasions. We feel we joined and learned, we took our turn 'giving back', and now we really much prefere a quieter, low key, more private Ds community, if you will. We do run a couples group that meets in our home and the nearly 20 couples are all pretty long term - ranging from 2 years to almost 20 with most falling into the 7-10 year range. But only 3 of said couples are still really active in large groups. Maybe you just don't see the really long term ones because they are more comfortable in smaller more private settings? Just a thought. Ms Opal aka Argent and Opal

MariaB -> RE: Doms and fem subs going the distance? (4/24/2007 9:53:17 AM)
First off can I thank everyone for replying. Some interesting thoughts and some good reassurance that I am possibly wrong. asraii you mentioned about off scene relationships and of course I hadn’t really considered this. Most of the people I know are ‘on scene’ and so that is all I have to go on and of course that gives me limited numbers. That’s why I wanted to ask on here. This is a world wide forum and not just the tiny speck of sand that I live on!. Simply Michael & Mercnbeth I agree that the monogamous relationships seem to be more ongoing than the polygamous ones Lucky Albatross, You made a good point about the many people that have not been on the scene long enough to of been in a long term relationship but my question was aimed more at people we know of that have lasted long term. At the end of the day there always has been a scene of sorts. Celeste, I think you made a good point regarding the change in dynamics of material power. Creative Dominant, I agree that many fem subs get bored and move on. We all change and I think women possibly more than men. Everyone’s personalities broaden through time and so we are just as guilty as the male species of looking for new horizons Oside girl, good point. It is very easy to loose ones head when getting involved in this sort of relationship. Common sense can so easily go out of the window and all good reasoning ends up in the trash can. I think if we are not careful, this kind of relationship can become very selfish. Then one day we wake up and think ‘oops perhaps its now time to get back to the real world’!!! Master Ndorei I tend to agree with your thoughts regarding subs being seen as dominants to all but their partner. It’s also a safe way to keep all those hungry dominants away!! I also think that a lot of subs genuinely do feel a dominant side somewhere down the line. I have known slaves that have become subs that have then become dominants. RavenMuse I should be at the London Munch on Friday. I have missed the last 3 and so need to make the effort. I will come over and say hello.

RythymMan -> RE: Doms and fem subs going the distance? (4/24/2007 10:02:14 AM)
19 years. Did our first scene on a Wednesday, got finger rings 11 days later, and the other rings a few weeks after that...and then a few more to celebrate 5 years... (been dating 18 months before that) Why am I hearing that song by Cake???

imthatacheyouhav -> RE: Doms and fem subs going the distance? (4/24/2007 10:04:35 AM)
i have been married <vanilla> for 24 years....so i am no stranger to patience and hard work. i would love the Master/slave relationship i have now to be long term, we will see. i do know that contrary to popular opinion a relationship is NOT 50/50 but rather 100/100. and a pleasent attitude, and sense of humor will also get you over alot of humps

Celeste43 -> RE: Doms and fem subs going the distance? (4/24/2007 11:39:38 AM)
You know, all my submissive needs are filled by him. But I don't feel any need to be equal or to be an alpha. I am also not wired for poly. I'm happy being in a monogamous relationship. One other thought. If you look at my relationship now compared to four years ago I appear to have fewer rules to follow and he rarely needs to check up on me. It isn't that the rules have been removed, it's that we don't need to pay attention to them. I've internalized things and they are just habit. But I will admit that the initial training period was a great deal of fun. I got all that male energy focused on me and all that attention. I don't need it anymore and so don't usually have it. Instead we go for walks, discuss what the weird noise in the car is, etc. But you have to pay attention to the lack of that heavy energy and dominance, or submissive, frenzy. One way is to include random acts inside normal every day life and not wait until bedtime to display it. Him coming up to me while I'm in the kitchen and pulling me back against him by his forearm across my neck makes me into a submissive kitten. And he can do that for one minute, kiss me, and let me go back to cooking without anybody who sees it do more than roll their eyes at us acting like horny teens.

Owned1 -> RE: Doms and fem subs going the distance? (4/24/2007 11:45:19 AM)
I have been owned by Master for over 6 years now, and we live together with our M/s relationship 24/7. I think the reason this works is we are both committed to our relationship, and each other. Life does get in the way at times however we have open communication. We work on our relationship and are always looking to ways to keep it "fresh". If either of us feels anything is missing we are able to speak up. I know at all times i am Owned body mind and soul, however we do live in real life and have a life outside of each other, ie work and friends. I think perhaps the appearance of many not lasting is often those who do last are not seen online and tend to keep to themselves. As we have grown together Master and i find the desire to go to fetish functions less. When we have time to ourselves we prefer to spend it at home (or elsewhere private) with each other. Owned

DominaSmartass -> RE: Doms and fem subs going the distance? (4/24/2007 11:56:57 AM)
My experience and observations in general are that men enjoy the "chase" more than anything. They often want what they don't or can't have and become dissatisfied quickly when they have obtained it. I'm sure not all men are like this and probably some women are too but I don't think it's unique to D/s.

MariaB -> RE: Doms and fem subs going the distance? (4/25/2007 12:41:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass My experience and observations in general are that men enjoy the "chase" more than anything. They often want what they don't or can't have and become dissatisfied quickly when they have obtained it. I'm sure not all men are like this and probably some women are too but I don't think it's unique to D/s. I think the word ‘chase’ is a good one. I see a lot of this in the clubs and certainly not from just the single Doms. Many a time I see a sub sitting quietly whilst her dominant roams the floor looking for fresh meat and whilst I appreciate that those tend to be polygamous relationships (at least on his part) I often wonder just how insecure the sub must be feeling.

WhiplashSmile -> RE: Doms and fem subs going the distance? (4/25/2007 1:43:05 AM)
How about 7 years for you. This is an interesting question of sorts.

NakedGirlScout -> RE: Doms and fem subs going the distance? (4/25/2007 1:51:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael In my experience, people who are in committed relationships, especially if they are not overly poly tend to drop out of the scene so they are underrepresented. Same goes for singles people who are that way. So that right there skews what we "see" I agree with this part of what Michael said. I know a great many long-term and committed male dom/ fem sub couples, but almost without exception when they've found what they were looking for they dropped completely out of the public scene, including any online forums. From what they said to me, they found it so shallow and lying that it began to have less and less in common with their actual lives. None of these couples I know lost the D/S dynamic and nobody "switched sides". They are completely invisible to anyone looking for role models.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Doms and fem subs going the distance? (4/25/2007 7:12:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NakedGirlScout I agree with this part of what Michael said. I know a great many long-term and committed male dom/ fem sub couples, but almost without exception when they've found what they were looking for they dropped completely out of the public scene, including any online forums. From what they said to me, they found it so shallow and lying that it began to have less and less in common with their actual lives. None of these couples I know lost the D/S dynamic and nobody "switched sides". They are completely invisible to anyone looking for role models. Which is why I'm really grateful for couples like Archer/Elegant and so many more who are so public about their relationship and active in the scene community.

Missokyst -> RE: Doms and fem subs going the distance? (4/25/2007 9:46:31 AM)
My last one lasted nearly 7 yrs. But that last couple of years were mostly switch, heavier on my topping. I think that 7 yr itch thing sets in, nilla or ds and is an obstacle which is difficult to overcome. In his case, nilla called him back into the fold. If there had been some deeper communication perhaps we could have traveled that together. It's a shame when things fall into the abyss. Kyst

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