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Kinky litmus test? - 4/12/2007 6:59:43 PM

selfbnd411

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This is kind of a play on the "sub girl with a vanilla guy" thread. What if the kinky person is happy with everything about the person they're with? Do you have a litmus test for kinkiness? If you met a partner who seems like just what you're looking for, except they're vanilla, what do you do or think you would do? Do you say "she's almost everything I ever wanted in a girl" and gloss over the lack of kink? Or do you say "darn, so close but so far?"

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RE: Kinky litmus test? - 4/12/2007 7:02:40 PM

CuriousLord

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I've seen submissive females with responses to such situations ranging from "Oh well, maybe I'll just let him have more positioning control in bed?" to "He's married, he understands, I'm getting a Master" to "Hah, he's going to whip me yet!"

What do you want, really? How much of it's a kink and how much of it's a need?

(in reply to selfbnd411)

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RE: Kinky litmus test? - 4/12/2007 7:03:03 PM

BondageTopJere

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I've asked myself this "What if" question so many times I've nearly driven myself insane (well more insane at any rate

) and I'm still no closer to an answer than before.

(in reply to selfbnd411)

Post #: 3

RE: Kinky litmus test? - 4/12/2007 7:04:11 PM

BondageTopJere

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Yay, I'm finally Curious!

No thread hijack intended

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RE: Kinky litmus test? - 4/12/2007 7:10:13 PM

Suleiman

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Joined: 9/9/2004
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A little of both, actually. A partnership is more than sex. If you've found the ideal person, the person you want to live your life with, a little compromise may well be in order. If you can't live without the kink, and they can't live with an open relationship, then you may have some problems. I guess it's just a matter of priority, but when you find that one person with whom you really, truly click, don't let them go without a fight.

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to selfbnd411)

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RE: Kinky litmus test? - 4/12/2007 7:14:53 PM

CuriousLord

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BondageTopJere

Yay, I'm finally Curious!

I was sad when they took my icecream cone away.

(in reply to BondageTopJere)

Post #: 6

RE: Kinky litmus test? - 4/12/2007 8:33:24 PM

hawkwolf7

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Joined: 10/24/2004
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I think that it depends on your personal involvement with your "kink".

If you're passionate about your kink, live to express it, practice it regularly, go to kink parties, get involved in the kink clubs, or even teach classes on your kink, then someone who doesn't share your kink doesn't share a big part of who you are and what you do. Which leaves you with the choice of abandoning a part of yourself... or abandoning the vanilla person in your life. Typically, it's a tough choice.

For me, I spent way too many years making the choice to abandon my passion to ever to make that choice again. Not just because it damages my psyche to do so; but also because (for me) any relationship based on that choice is doomed to failure. In the past, when I had abandoned my kink, I couldn't help but feel dissatisfied in the relationship. I couldn't help but wish there was more. I couldn't help but develop an under-current of resentment; which was really about at my abandonment of myself, but came out sidewise toward my partner.

Any one of those things can cause a relationship to fail, sometimes slowly. But when you have them all together, the typical dynamic was that it would all come unglued at once. You'll just be motoring along and suddenly all the wheels will come off.

If someone is in the situation where they are forced to make this choice, my heart goes out to them. If they choose to release their kink, I recommend that they discuss the potential problems with their partner... and keep a weather eye on their feelings. Hopefully, together, they will be able to avert any problems by being pro-active.

One more thought: In my opinion, the worst possible thing to do is to hide your kink from your vanilla partner. I made that mistake once, afraid they wouldn't understand, and in retrospect, it was a huge mistake. Today, my bottom line is this... if they cannot accept that I have these kinky desires (even if they don't share them), then they really aren't a good match.

Best of Luck,
HawkWolf

*** edited for clarity ***

< Message edited by hawkwolf7 -- 4/12/2007 8:42:06 PM >

_____________________________

p.s. Everything I write is simply one person's opinion: mine. Feel free to take what is useful and blow off the rest.

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost.

(in reply to selfbnd411)

Post #: 7

RE: Kinky litmus test? - 4/12/2007 8:42:37 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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quote:

ORIGINAL: selfbnd411

This is kind of a play on the "sub girl with a vanilla guy" thread. What if the kinky person is happy with everything about the person they're with? Do you have a litmus test for kinkiness? If you met a partner who seems like just what you're looking for, except they're vanilla, what do you do or think you would do? Do you say "she's almost everything I ever wanted in a girl" and gloss over the lack of kink? Or do you say "darn, so close but so far?"

You have to judge for yourself how important kink is to you. Then, you have to look at the relationship and decide if you're getting a good barter...or are you selling yourself short. If the former, stick with it; if the latter, might be best to move on.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to selfbnd411)

Post #: 8

RE: Kinky litmus test? - 4/13/2007 6:23:29 AM

CandleInTheWind

Posts: 347
Joined: 10/20/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: selfbnd411

This is kind of a play on the "sub girl with a vanilla guy" thread. What if the kinky person is happy with everything about the person they're with? Do you have a litmus test for kinkiness? If you met a partner who seems like just what you're looking for, except they're vanilla, what do you do or think you would do? Do you say "she's almost everything I ever wanted in a girl" and gloss over the lack of kink? Or do you say "darn, so close but so far?"

for me Im a D/s kinda girl so basically all i have to find the "manly men" and for the most part Im most of the way there....I have only met ONE man that looked at me in horror when i mentioned bondage.....he actually got up out of the saddle so to speak, got dressed and well that wasnt quite the reaction i thoguht i would get... but hey he does still take me out to dinner for the basket ball final fours...so he isnt all bad he isnt bad at all...LOL

red

_____________________________

It is better to be hated for something that you are
than it is to be loved for something you are not

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RE: Kinky litmus test? - 4/13/2007 7:00:54 AM

Fnordstrum

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Joined: 2/14/2006
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I wouldn't start a relationship with anyone who wasn't at least a little into doing bondage related activities... They wouldn't have to be into everything I might want to do, but they'd have to at least like some of it...

If they aren't into any kind of 'Kink' at all, and wouldn't want to even try anything, then perhaps they could be a great friend, but, I wouldn't want a relationship with them.

And of course, the topic would come up in conversation at some point before a relationship would start, so I wouldn't have to worry about what if they aren't into anything kinky, because if they weren't I wouldn't start a relationship with them.

So yeah.

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

_____________________________

Power = Work / Time
Knowledge is Power and Time is Money, so
Knowledge = Work / Money, and Money = Work / Knowledge
Therefore, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity (regardless of work done), and vice versa.

(in reply to selfbnd411)

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RE: Kinky litmus test? - 4/13/2007 8:38:33 AM

Driver1961

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He dips Hil lid to ALL

Umm, look at the bottom line, Is it a base need or a compromisable want? Explore this question within yourself, then with the other, but look within yourself for your own needs first.

_____________________________

Dance as though nobody is watching!

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Post #: 11

RE: Kinky litmus test? - 4/13/2007 9:55:23 AM

DawnFire

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Joined: 3/17/2007
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You could always turn them

.

(in reply to Driver1961)

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RE: Kinky litmus test? - 4/13/2007 1:14:52 PM

minnetar

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Joined: 4/11/2007
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How beautifully worded!!

minnetar

(in reply to hawkwolf7)

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RE: Kinky litmus test? - 4/13/2007 2:39:13 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

I could live without bondage. I cannot live with a man who is not naturally strong, who naturally takes the lead, who wants me to turn to him with problems. I'd rather be alone than with someone less than that. D/s is more important to me than play.

(in reply to minnetar)

Post #: 14

RE: Kinky litmus test? - 4/14/2007 4:59:19 PM

iwannapullurhair

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Joined: 10/11/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DawnFire

You could always turn them .

To the Dark Side of the Force?

(in reply to DawnFire)

Post #: 15

RE: Kinky litmus test? - 4/14/2007 8:19:33 PM

Elorin

Posts: 970
Joined: 8/22/2004
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: selfbnd411
This is kind of a play on the "sub girl with a vanilla guy" thread. What if the kinky person is happy with everything about the person they're with? Do you have a litmus test for kinkiness? If you met a partner who seems like just what you're looking for, except they're vanilla, what do you do or think you would do? Do you say "she's almost everything I ever wanted in a girl" and gloss over the lack of kink? Or do you say "darn, so close but so far?"

Kink and power exchange are important to my life. I will not be in a relationship with someone who is not at least friendly to them.
I am also poly. Therefore if I meet someone who is great on everything but kink, and doesn't say "kink is wrong/bad/evil" I would be willing to consider the person as a lover and partner in a poly relationship.
I would not take the person as a monogamous partner as I would not be happy in that situation.

(in reply to selfbnd411)

Post #: 16

RE: Kinky litmus test? - 4/14/2007 8:29:59 PM

paulthesub

Posts: 59
Joined: 2/9/2007
From: Calgary
Status: offline

I'm usually attracted to stronger, more aggressive women to begin with. As a bit of a "litmus test" for someone I don't know is kinky I usually drop hints about doing something bad and getting a spanking, or volunteering to bring the handcuffs or something to that effect. Then judging by their reaction I can out myself or not.

_____________________________

Don't drink from the mainstream

(in reply to Elorin)

Post #: 17

RE: Kinky litmus test? - 4/15/2007 5:50:46 AM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: selfbnd411

This is kind of a play on the "sub girl with a vanilla guy" thread. What if the kinky person is happy with everything about the person they're with? Do you have a litmus test for kinkiness? If you met a partner who seems like just what you're looking for, except they're vanilla, what do you do or think you would do? Do you say "she's almost everything I ever wanted in a girl" and gloss over the lack of kink? Or do you say "darn, so close but so far?"

I'd have to address this from the "dom woman with a vanilla guy" angle.

I've dated outside of this perceived "lifestyle". I found capabilities with these men. Even though I found many things in common with them, the fact that we expressed intimacy in different ways was eventually the undoing of the relationship.

Sure I could engage in the "less kinky" activities & sure he could experiment with the kinkier activities.... but that was just it, it wasn't a natural fit. Every time we expressed intimacy we had to alter our natural flow of energy so that we could meet somewhere in the middle. I always felt like I might go too far & do something that would be completely outside his comfort zone & he often felt as though he didn't meet my needs... neither are good feelings to have going into, during or after a "love-making" session. I couldn't even engage in good "make-out" situations because I tend to scratch, claw, nibble & bite rather hard & aggressively. So even with heavy petting I had to engage the governor & keep myself in check.

This wasn't just one person. I attempted this a number of times with men who didn't identify as dom, sub or anything in between. I even attempted this with someone who did identify themselves as kinky... well he did until we got together & he realized he had a lot to learn about being kinky.

After my last try dating a vanilla guy I told myself, never again. He felt so bad about not being able to meet my needs that he began to question his ability to please women in general. I told him he was a great lover (in a straight vanilla sense) & to not take any blame in this... if anything I was the one to blame (this was of course a very, very long conversation). I don't ever want to look into the eyes of someone again & have them look at me with that type of despair. I would rather be single & without companionship than ever be responsible for having someone think themselves to be inadequate.

I'm not saying that men & women on opposing sides of this are not going to make it... I'm just saying it didn't work in my case.

< Message edited by MstrssPassion -- 4/15/2007 6:01:20 AM >

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

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Post #: 18

RE: Kinky litmus test? - 4/16/2007 12:47:15 PM

masterdstar

Posts: 160
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Hard limit; No vanilla-kink, vanilla-Ds, vanilla-Sm.

Enjoy your wonder-filled day

(in reply to selfbnd411)

Post #: 19

RE: Kinky litmus test? - 4/16/2007 1:28:40 PM

selfbnd411

Posts: 598
Joined: 7/23/2005
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Thanks to you all for your replies! I think I've basically been looking in the vanilla world and hoping for a kinky spark. I guess if the right girl comes along in the vanilla world, she'd have to be at least *playful* (willing to try new things). But maybe I ought to spend more effort on this world than I have been, because I have a much better chance here. Thanks!

(in reply to masterdstar)

Post #: 20

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