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RE: Motivated to the Reward. - 4/7/2007 9:55:05 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		Seeing as sex drive can change with health, age, etc, I don't see sex as a reward. It's definately a nice bonus though *S*

In my last relationship just being able to be with someone I loved more then anything, second only to my minime, was reward enough. And to know that i was cared for and cherished in return.

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RE: Motivated to the Reward. - 4/8/2007 9:31:37 AM   
hawkwolf7


Posts: 85
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		Fire Maam,

Once again, you have captured the essence of the issue in a way that reflects my viewpoint.

(And with much fewer words than I would use :)

HW

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RE: Motivated to the Reward. - 4/8/2007 10:06:59 AM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		Rewards,sexual gratification,and relationships..The OP has many an underlying question, way to many levels that could be delved..To simplify in the context of my own personal thoughts and needs my thoughts are that although I too have been in a relationship where sex was not a factor in any way shape or form for many a year, I realized one simple factor..It created distance, that feeling of oneness, that close bonding feeling was non-existent..Now this is not to say that in a relationship  sex is the be all end all..it is simply one factor of a good balance. One must also encompass the heart, mind, soul as well..To use sex as a way to reward or punish would be to place it into a barter type connotation, hence it is not a part of a relationship it is merely a commercial relationship..There are way to many other ways to reward and to punish...why use sex?...Tempting

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RE: Motivated to the Reward. - 4/8/2007 3:08:29 PM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Taking sex out of the equation for a moment, ( i know that was part of the OP), but to try to answer why i am motivated to serve someone even if sex were not part of the equation, i would still say that for me it is partially selfishly motivated. i need to submit, it fulfills me (again sex, orgasms withstanding). i need to serve, be of service and the fulfillment of service is not there if the person i am trying to serve doesn't want or freely allow me to serve. By that i don't mean serve only as i wish to serve, but rather someone who doesn't see my service to them as taking advantage of me, someone who gives me an outlet to be myself.

So the internal reward of feeling fulfilled, of being of use, is partially what does motivate me. To me, that is part of the symbiotic relationship of Doms/Masters to submissive/slaves, we both feed each other.

If a person is motivated JUST for a sexual thrill or buzz, i would have to agree with MFM, that that person is just after fulfilling themselves, not in service or submission.

heartfelt

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RE: Motivated to the Reward. - 4/8/2007 8:50:02 PM   
AquaticSub


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Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

This quote is an example to me of why I don't like the reward system as a means to control. 

"doing anything for just a mere chance of having my sex drive satisfyied."  

For is not Me as person that is Dominating and Controling the person... it's their own personal drive to satisfy their own personal desire.  I would be nothing more than a means to an end for the person.  As long as they are motivated towards this desire... I have control.. but the moment they are not.. I have lost the control.

So... do you have any thoughts?


My first thought is that I hate being motivated by punishment. It makes me feel like a child and I'm not one. I am young, but I'm certainly not a child anymore. I feel like I am motivated by reward, but not just getting my sex drive fulfilled. That is definately, a reward (and a powerful one at that) but I'll do a lot for a tummy rub or a head scratch. And there is nothing quite like his hands cradling my head after I've brought him oral fulfillment and his tender voice calling me a good kitten over and over. I desire to please, possibly because I crave praise. I love making him happy and having him smile at me. *shrugs and smiles* I just know we are both happy.

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RE: Motivated to the Reward. - 4/8/2007 8:51:18 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

to a point i agree....but before i continune let me ask you, what desire do you think is motivating your girls?


To be with me.. as I am motivated to be with them...


Do you think they would desire to be with you so much if you were unloving or unkind? A warm smile can be a powerful reward.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: Motivated to the Reward. - 4/8/2007 10:09:49 PM   
slavegirljoy


Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

This quote is an example to me of why I don't like the reward system as a means to control. 

"doing anything for just a mere chance of having my sex drive satisfyied."  

For is not Me as person that is Dominating and Controling the person... it's their own personal drive to satisfy their own personal desire.  I would be nothing more than a means to an end for the person.  As long as they are motivated towards this desire... I have control.. but the moment they are not.. I have lost the control.

So... do you have any thoughts?


Being a masochistic slave, serving a sadistic Master is all about satisfying both of O/our sex drives.  That doesn't mean that i need to have an orgasm or even need to have a sex act to feel sexually satisfied.  Knowing that i am His to use anyway He chooses at any moment, is what satisfies my sex drive, every minute of every day, no matter what i happen to be doing at the time.  i am wet just washing the dishes and it's not because i splash water on myself.  It's because i know my Master is pleased with my service to Him and He can walk in and pinch and twist my nipples hard while i am rinsing a plate and there's nothing sexier to me than knowing that.
 
i am satisfied BECAUSE of His control over me.  If i didn't feel that control from Him, i would be totally unsatisied, sexually, no matter how much sex i had or how many orgasms i got (as has been the case in every non D/s relationship i have ever been in).  For me, being in a BDSM relationship is all about satisfying both mine and my Master's sex drive.
 
slave joy
Owned property of Master David

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RE: Motivated to the Reward. - 4/8/2007 10:16:29 PM   
Sinergy


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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

.... lets be totally real, do you think that if you cut them off forever from them they would stay? i am sure they will say they would, but in 5 years 10 years you honestly think they would?....i dont, but i allow for the possibility i could be wrong.


actually.. I know they would.  Orgasm is not the center of the relationship. 


I used to be the sort of person that would do anything to get laid.

Then this concept went to war with my idea that "Either you are in control of yourself, or somebody else is."  At this point, I stopped allowing my sex drive to control my actions.

Sinergy

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RE: Motivated to the Reward. - 4/8/2007 11:27:14 PM   
BabyNyla


Posts: 578
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline 		I obey and behave because I know it pleases my Daddy.  However, it is often nice to be rewarded, makes me feel even more appreciated some days.  And sometimes when I have a hard time doing something or overcoming something (like perhaps a limit), having the extra incentive can make it a bit easier ... although I would still do it to make him happy without the reward

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RE: Motivated to the Reward. - 4/9/2007 12:20:41 AM   
Alloces


Posts: 35
Joined: 7/14/2004
Status: offline 		KoM I have had to read thru all of this a few times here and I think I get what you are trying to put across here ......if not then by all means do correct Me on this ..
My thoughts not to be quoted as fact here:
what I am seeing KoM saying is that He prefers that the relationship is strengthened thru things such as mutual admiration.. nurtureing giveing to each other...honesty......compassion....communication
trust.. basically building and deepening the totality of the relationship
with out attaching self oriented materialistic additions and working on building the relationship with out self centered rewards or admonishments..building the relationship thru and with 4 very basic yet subtle qualities..Heart..Mind..Body..Soul..
 
again this is just My opinion here and I could be mistaken..

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just remember it isn't the face you wear but the wear you face..altho that is just My opinion and I could be mistaken

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RE: Motivated to the Reward. - 4/9/2007 4:03:16 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

to a point i agree....but before i continune let me ask you, what desire do you think is motivating your girls?


To be with me.. as I am motivated to be with them...


Do you think they would desire to be with you so much if you were unloving or unkind? A warm smile can be a powerful reward.


A smile can be a powerful motivator at times but it is not a reward since I will get a smile from him even when I fuck up.  He is very loving even when my behavior is not appropriate, so it is not a reward for positive behavior; it is just who he is. 

To me a reward is something given for positive behavior and is withheld if the behavior is negative.  He is who he is and he does not withhold that when I am behaving inappropriately, so who he is is not a reward for me.

Knight's kyra

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"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

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RE: Motivated to the Reward. - 4/9/2007 5:10:52 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

Do you think they would desire to be with you so much if you were unloving or unkind? A warm smile can be a powerful reward.


A smile can be a powerful motivator at times but it is not a reward since I will get a smile from him even when I fuck up.  He is very loving even when my behavior is not appropriate, so it is not a reward for positive behavior; it is just who he is. 

To me a reward is something given for positive behavior and is withheld if the behavior is negative.  He is who he is and he does not withhold that when I am behaving inappropriately, so who he is is not a reward for me.

Knight's kyra


That he would withhold himself was not at all what I was trying to say. People do things for each other that some see as rewards and others see as normal behavior all the time. And I have a bit of trouble seeing being motivated by them as wrong. If you remove them, then it can change the relationship a lot. A simple smile, even during a fuck up, has a powerful effect.

But then again, having been with someone (once upon a time) who didn't exhibit those loving behaviors, perhaps I have a different viewpoint on them.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Motivated to the Reward. - 4/9/2007 6:41:56 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Alloces

.... basically building and deepening the totality of the relationship
with out attaching self oriented materialistic additions and working on building the relationship with out self centered rewards or admonishments..building the relationship thru and with 4 very basic yet subtle qualities..Heart..Mind..Body..Soul..


very well stated.

I don't see a relationship as a Give and Take dynamic... I see it as a Give and Recieve Dynamic.  I am but a part of it, just like my two girls.  What we recieve from it is magnified by what we put into it.  I am not looking for something that is self-centred or looking to take what they want or even being rewarded for what they give into it.  In many ways what we recieve is the direct result of what we put into it.  We sow the seeds of our own rewards.  I choose a good person to be in a relationship with, I focused on the relationship looking to make it stronger, happier, better.  I seek to enhance it in every possible way and I end up reaping the results of those efforts.  Not because I seek to take or feel like I am owed the reward for my contribution.  But, they flow to me naturally like water spilling out of lake into a river.  We pour our selves into the Relationship and the relationship naturally flows back into us... a cycle is born.

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Motivated to the Reward. - 4/9/2007 7:07:01 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		just as a side note... I am somewhat amused that so many read the OP and immediately focus on sex to the discussion.  Granted it was in the quote... but only a few seem to actually pay attention to my initial statement with regards to reward systems.  The quote was actually only an example of a specific reward that a person was singularly focused on.  The actual reward could of been anything.



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Knight of Mists

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RE: Motivated to the Reward. - 4/9/2007 7:14:11 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
To me a reward is something given for positive behavior and is withheld if the behavior is negative.  He is who he is and he does not withhold that when I am behaving inappropriately, so who he is is not a reward for me.

Knight's kyra

Speaking in psychological terms, reward = something which will increase the likelihood of a particular behavior repeating, punishment = something which will decrease the likelihood of a particular behavior repeating.

Both can be something that is given (positive punishment/positive reward) or something that is taken away (negative punishment/negative reward).

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