Relationships, Compromise and Dominance (Full Version)

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mstrjx -> Relationships, Compromise and Dominance (4/1/2007 8:48:35 PM)

I was out taking a drive today, and came upon a bad wreck, such that it was possible that fatalities might be involved.  It made me consider myself, and in turn, a partner of mine once upon a time.

I don't wear my seatbelt, generally (unless I spy the authorities, in which case I can put it on in no time flat).  There isn't any particularly good reason, but (knock wood) nothing bad ever happens to me.  (Cue Oingo Boingo lyric 'Why should I care?' - great song)  Whenever asked, I usually say something to this effect:

'Let's say that NOT wearing your seatbelt is, arguably, stupid.  If that is the case, then apparently the law throughout the land means stupidity is against the law'.  Now, if every stupid act were similarly handled, prisons would be overrun or worse.  'Mr. Smith, you were caught single-handedly committing 4 stupid acts prior to 2pm this afternoon when you were apprehended.  Under the 'Three Strikes' rule, the sentence is death.  Next case, please.'

The submissive in question understood the logic, but to her it was more than that.  To her, the issue lay in potentially losing me.  More to the point, where would that leave HER?  (I've heard I'm a tough act to follow.)

This struck me.  Of course she was right, but it was more how valuable she found me.  I'm used to it being the other way around, but it is not often that I 'get' as well as I 'give'.

So I relented.  While I was in that relationship, I protected myself for her, as well as for myself.

I compromised, for a submissive partner.  Of course, many of you are saying that she initiated a choice for me that I could take or not.  But at what cost?  If I say 'Thanks, but I'm good doing what I do' that is akin to saying that our relationship isn't worth as much to me as apparently it is to her.

Sorry, but that falls under the 'Head Stuck in the Sand' school of dominance.  That doesn't appeal.  To me, a D/s or M/s relationship is STILL a relationship, to be protected.

So, question, have any of you encountered such compromises that were made for the good of your relationships, past or present?

By the way, at the end of that relationship, it was back to my old ways.  Nothing bad ever happens to me.



SusanofO -> RE: Relationships, Compromise and Dominance (4/1/2007 9:03:47 PM)

I compromised with my ex-Dominant on seemingly silly stuff (that might seem standard for a submissive to do, but our D/s took place mostly in the bedroom). Like where we'd eat dinner - I didn't really care, truth be told, but he knew I love Mexican food, and he hated it, and so I ended up not seeing a Mexican place for months when we ate out together, because of his serious aversion to Mexican food. That was actually okay with me, as I like almost any type of food (except Middle-Eastern, for some reason, which we never did eat).

He compromised with me (a little bit ) as far as starting to investigate Pony play. He knew I wanted to see what it was all about, and he really was luke-warm on the whole idea. He did try to get into it a bit though, and I know he did this solely for me, because he had almost zero interest. He considered the equipment involved to be too expensive, so we made our own "harness" out of some of his old neck ties (it looked absolutely ridiculous, but turned out to be pretty functional). I did appreciate his open-mindedness re: Pony play, and told him so.

We both did a bit of giving and taking (and in some other ways I didn't mention) in our relationship. I think any relationship that leaves no room for compromise, ever, whether it is D/s or not, is probably doomed. I am no fan of the "head in the sand" school of dominance, either.

However, I know there are Dominants on this site who are looking for all-the-time-never-bending- or ever needing anything for themselves -ever "true" slaves. I think that's okay, I even think it would be interesting to do - for awhile. I am not sure I'd be up for it for months on end, if the Dominant in question knew I liked particular things, for instance, and kept them from me simply because he could, with no let up. It would probably wear me down, eventually. So - what they'd maybe end up with is a slave who is a robot, and maybe resentful, too. Is this a good thing? Probably not, IMO, if one truly cares for their slave's welfare. 

- Susan  



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Relationships, Compromise and Dominance (4/1/2007 9:28:27 PM)

It's a compromise to wake up and realize that if you make a commitment to a long term relationship to someone and then put that in jeopardy that you're being inconsistent?

We all do risky things, and we all accept that those risks may have consequences, directly or indirectly, today or in a decade.  But I don't see it to be a compromise that the slave says "Dude, if you keep doing that, you're taking a likely unnecessary risk and not prioritizing our relationship or your life as you said you would" and the dom realizing "Oh yeah, she's right, I should align my actions with my words."



ArtificerOfKink -> RE: Relationships, Compromise and Dominance (4/1/2007 9:33:30 PM)

To me being a dominant isn’t about being the almighty.  I don’t know everything, I don’t consider everything nor do I always make the best choices.  I do not top any girl I may have because she is dumber, weaker, or because she is a woman and it is her place to be under me.  None of those things are true.  I value a submissive’s input even if her place is under me, because she is a thinking individual as well.  And, well, two heads are better than one.  

To not listen to her would, to me anyway, work at breaking that emotional and loving connection I feel with her and be counter productive to the relationship as a whole.  This is why, when I start D/s relationships I generally suppress some of my dominance until we get to know each other more and gradually work it in after a few meetings.  

So to answer your question, yes I have compromised and listened to a submissive and will continue to do so.  I think to not do so would be a sign of being insecure with my own dominance; being afraid to show any form of weakness and flexibility.  

Mstrjx, your logic is flawed as to why you don’t wear a seatbelt.  You focus too heavily on the fact that it’s not a very logical law and it probably overshadows the simple fact that it’s a simple thing to do and can save your life.  Something that is very valuable to both you and those you care about.  I'm not putting you down because of it, it happens to the best of us.



juliaoceania -> RE: Relationships, Compromise and Dominance (4/1/2007 9:53:35 PM)

 
There are some things one can compromise that are very small, others that are larger that show how important a relationship is to you, and still others that one should never compromise. Each compromise has to be weighed for its significance. If I felt he could never compromise anything for me it would eventually lead to me seeking some other sort of relationship because I would feel completely devalued. I am not talking huge life altering compromises of values and ethics, I am talking about changing a schedule to make room for me, not making plans that interfere with something I find important, compromising on how we should implement something together. If he could never do that I would not want to continue on that way. He has the power, I gave that to him, but with it comes responsibility to make sure that the person that gave that power away (me) feels valued and listened to, and yes, even appreciated for everything I do without being even asked and without the motive of a reward in it for me.

He is somewhat of a work-a-holic... at least he was when I met him, and he is compromising about how much time he spends working so he can spend some of his time with me... the act of doing simple compromises like that mean the world to me.



ownedgirlie -> RE: Relationships, Compromise and Dominance (4/1/2007 10:14:12 PM)

Sure my Master has made compromises.  One can be consistent while reasonably flexible.  Were he totally rigid in all his ways, he could not have moved me along at the pace which worked best for me, to bring out my best for him.  His principles and philosphies and basic rules never changed, but like any wise person, he was willing to adapt to circumstances.




BabyNyla -> RE: Relationships, Compromise and Dominance (4/1/2007 10:19:00 PM)

My Daddy is usually NOT willing to compromise with me ... or to even do small things that would make my day (like you wearing a seatbealt for her).  I know he loves me ... because he does do his own special things here and there that remind me I'm loved ... but it still sucks when he can't compromise on small things that would mean so much more to me.



hawkwolf7 -> RE: Relationships, Compromise and Dominance (4/2/2007 1:05:16 AM)

This one brought up some interesting thoughts for me... thanks!

My style of dominance is probably atypical; in part because of my exposure to Leather BDSM. For me, the relationship with my submissive is equivalent to the relationship between a colonel and a major who reports to him. In that scenario, there is rarely a "compromise" as such because the colonel demands the major's input as part of the decision making process. In this scenario, the major(s) must be a strong individuals; competent, smart, and experienced, in order to provide good input. And it matters because (to some degree), the colonel's decision is only as good as the information fed to him by the major(s). It also matters because they are a unit, a team. The colonel may be the lead, but everyone contribues to the team.

So, mapping that approach into your question about the seatbelts, the major would point out that not wearing the seatbelt was an example of poor planning. The colonel would receive this input and make the decision that all the staff will wear their seatbelts from now on. Was that a compromise? Not at all. To me, that's just how a team is supposed to work.

Reflectively,
HawkWolf




losttreasure -> RE: Relationships, Compromise and Dominance (4/2/2007 3:46:02 AM)

The sum of replies pretty much covers my experience with compromise in a relationship.  Though I expect significantly less of it within a D/s context, were there to be no compromise at all, like Julia, I would most likely end up seeking a different relationship.  I'm not the type of submissive who desires to be devalued, humiliated and oppressed; my preference is for the leadership type of dominance.

Which brings me to addressing your feelings on wearing seat belts...

Perhaps it is the value I place on leading by example, but I would see your recalcitrance at wearing a seat belt as not only displaying inequal respect for the relationship but an inappropriate disregard for the law (whether you agree with it or not), as well as a cavalier attitude about risking personal safety.  Are these traits that you would wish your submissive to show?

I don't expect perfection from my dominant, but I do expect him to be a good leader.  Thankfully he is... and I'll follow him to the ends of the earth.  [;)]



ExSteelAgain -> RE: Relationships, Compromise and Dominance (4/2/2007 4:30:31 AM)

One point is that most of the posters here are smarter, more capable and self assured than the population in general. Not all submissives have the ability that those on the thread do. I can tell just by the writing, but there are threads where many openly talk about their intelligence as being their greatest asset.

Nothing wrong with that, matter of fact, I met one of the posters here who is now my slave as many of you know. So, yes, I adapt and listen to her opinions candidly in and subtle ways when she talks about all manner of subjects that interest her. Because I respect her opinions, I may look into movies, TV shows, music or bdsm things if she has become enlivened by something she has seen. She does the same thing with me.

On the other hand, I would be foolish to follow the advice of someone who does not inspire me with her awareness and sensitivity. This type is probably happier also doing exactly what I say and conforming to my interests. There are lots of pretty and fun submissives who meet that criteria and never expect compromise from their Doms.

Hey, I can deal with seatbelts, but that damn air bag looking at me, ready to explode all the time, bothers the heck out of me.



Devilslilsister -> RE: Relationships, Compromise and Dominance (4/2/2007 7:22:47 AM)

Sure Master compromises on alot of things with me.  He doesnt have to and could simply continue on his way - whether i liked it or not, but he chooses too.  Thats the thing, its HIS choice.  I know this very well and appreciate every time it occurs.  He could easily say "this is the way its going to be and if you dont like it, i'll simply get out the remote and put you on mute"



Mercnbeth -> RE: Relationships, Compromise and Dominance (4/2/2007 7:36:41 AM)

quote:

So, question, have any of you encountered such compromises that were made for the good of your relationships, past or present?


the only times this slave was in a relationship where compromise, or settling, was perceived by either party, the relationship ultimately failed.
 
it isn't important to this slave to be in the "right", to negotiate compromise, or to have Master comply with any preferences this slave has, whether it be the wearing of a seat belt, the duration of a flogging, political party affiliation or _________________(fill in the blank).  this slave's personal preferences aren't imposed on Him, through demand, limit or "compromise".



hereyesruponyou -> RE: Relationships, Compromise and Dominance (4/2/2007 7:43:49 AM)

There is room for compromise in all relationships, if you really want it to be an actual relationship, and not just a couple of people playing together. The problem for me comes in when is my compromise actually changing the relationship. I tend to be a very easy going person and personally do not need to institute strict rules to be comfortable, however i increasingly find that by not doing so i am often taken less seriously with those i do set.  It continues to be a frustrating balance that i have not quite figured out yet. Ranks up there with the "humiliate me and treat me like dirt" requests that when you then try to do that
change into "why are you being so mean to me" questions. Ummmm because you asked for it.

Still trying to find my way and my place here.......



thetammyjo -> RE: Relationships, Compromise and Dominance (4/2/2007 7:51:53 AM)

I think any healthy relationship will have give and take in it but you both need to feel good about those compromises.

Here's a really mundane example: What we eat at home.

Fox is a huge meat freak, especially beef. Frankly Tom and I ate beef maybe once or twice a month before Fox moved in. Now we have beef maybe twice a week.

Fox had to compromise too -- I will only buy very lean and usually organic beef, we eat a lot of other types of protein.

Do I feel bad about eating more beef? No, because I make sure I try to keep things healthier. Does he feel bad about not eating beef more often? No, he also likes other meat too and he knows it is better to have variety or he can go out and eat somewhere else if he gets a craving.

There are other foods I won't compromise on (because of allergies or what I consider to be too high health risks) so Fox has to either go with the flow or eat somewhere else.

You have to know when to compromise and you have to weigh the feelings the compromise stir in you, all of you.



toservez -> RE: Relationships, Compromise and Dominance (4/2/2007 8:13:43 AM)

LOL, I had the seatbelt situation happen to me with a former Master.

All healthy relationships have compromise in them, even the most hardcore M/s ones have compromise but the dominant might be in denial or using word play to get around the thought of it.

My Master is a golf addict and has just this weekend inform some of his friends that he would not be in a league this year because it would take too much away from what we are building.



mstrjx -> RE: Relationships, Compromise and Dominance (4/2/2007 4:10:55 PM)

Thank you all for your replies.  It is refreshing to see that there are many here who feel fairly well the same way (as dominants) or that they (the submissives) need to know there is 'room' behind the rough-tough domination to enhance the relationship by listening and making the appropriate choices. 

I understand less flexibility, and I understand ultimate authority; I don't always see those being in my best interest 100% of the time.  And I don't believe (or have seen any evidence in the posts) that the dynamic has to be diluted when one person's intelligence or logic is allowed to show. 

I'm a pretty bright guy, but I find it a treat when glimmers of another's intelligence catches my attention and makes me think.

quote:

ORIGINAL: toservez

My Master is a golf addict and has just this weekend inform some of his friends that he would not be in a league this year because it would take too much away from what we are building.



I have cut down some of my sports 'addictions' or viewings quite a bit myself.  Might it be interesting to find a woman who is a compatible sports nut?  Perhaps, but again taking my own time away from someone I'd rather be with is my choice to make, and it's usually an easy one.

Having said that, I still draw the line on four events of the year that I will either be at or watching.  No less than Saturday or Sunday (during a great portion of the daylight hours) of those weeks will have to be sacrificed somewhat.  This upcoming week is one, now that you mention it.

Jeff



velvetears -> RE: Relationships, Compromise and Dominance (4/2/2007 4:24:03 PM)

i would guess compromising is a fine line doms walk in that if they indulge too much they compromise their own position as the dominant.  What is the difference between being flexible and compromising? 

i my last relationship the lack of ability for my dom to compromise on a very important issue was the relationships ultimate demise.  i think being with a very uncompromising dom would wear me out, this is why i would never accept the role or term slave - in my opinion doms feel they need to compromise less with slaves.. like all or nothing.



ArtificerOfKink -> RE: Relationships, Compromise and Dominance (4/2/2007 4:54:36 PM)

“I would guess compromising is a fine line doms walk in that if they indulge too much they compromise their own position as the dominant.  What is the difference between being flexible and compromising?”

Part of this would depend on agreed upon boundaries of the D/s side of the relationship.  Some won’t accept surrendering financially or surrendering control over the upbringing of children. In these cases they’re agreed upon early on in the relationship and problems related to these issues would be dealt with like an ordinary couple. (usually yelling [:D])

Let’s say everything else is under the control of the dominant.  The submissive can make his/her case and it’s the dominant’s choice to either accept or reject the submissive’s plea.  Being dominant is about having control, not about denying the submissive’s wishes.  I could grant her most of what she asked for without losing my position as the dominant, in theory.  In practice, it depends on more than just if the dominant is willing to compromise or not.



kyraofMists -> RE: Relationships, Compromise and Dominance (4/2/2007 6:28:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hawkwolf7

This one brought up some interesting thoughts for me... thanks!

My style of dominance is probably atypical; in part because of my exposure to Leather BDSM. For me, the relationship with my submissive is equivalent to the relationship between a colonel and a major who reports to him. In that scenario, there is rarely a "compromise" as such because the colonel demands the major's input as part of the decision making process. In this scenario, the major(s) must be a strong individuals; competent, smart, and experienced, in order to provide good input. And it matters because (to some degree), the colonel's decision is only as good as the information fed to him by the major(s). It also matters because they are a unit, a team. The colonel may be the lead, but everyone contribues to the team.

So, mapping that approach into your question about the seatbelts, the major would point out that not wearing the seatbelt was an example of poor planning. The colonel would receive this input and make the decision that all the staff will wear their seatbelts from now on. Was that a compromise? Not at all. To me, that's just how a team is supposed to work.

Reflectively,
HawkWolf


I really liked this explanation. 

I am not sure that compromise is a word that I would use in reference to the relationship between me and my Lord.  There is no mutual concession, he makes the decisions and I abide by them.  He makes the decisions that will help him achieve his goal of building a family between the three of us.  My responsibility is to make sure he has all the information so that he can make the best decisions possible so that he can reach his goal.

For him to compromise would mean to me that I have some of the authority within the relationnship.  The only authority I have is that which is delegated to me by him.  He may make decisions that others may perceive as a compromise since most are not aware of the authority structure that we have.  However, he has complete authority within the relationship and there is no compromise in that.

Knight's kyra



Sinergy -> RE: Relationships, Compromise and Dominance (4/2/2007 8:58:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: losttreasure

Which brings me to addressing your feelings on wearing seat belts...

Perhaps it is the value I place on leading by example, but I would see your recalcitrance at wearing a seat belt as not only displaying inequal respect for the relationship but an inappropriate disregard for the law (whether you agree with it or not), as well as a cavalier attitude about risking personal safety.  Are these traits that you would wish your submissive to show?



The problem I have with not wearing seatbelts is similar to the problem I have with people who dont wear helmts on motorcycles.

Become a quad or a braindead chunk of living tissue in the hospital for 50 years as a ward of the state, and the money to keep your sorry ass alive is money I paid in taxes that could otherwise have been used for textbooks for kids, maintaining roads, or building trails in national forests.

Any submissive of mine wears her damn seat belt.  I wont even drive a car or ride in a car with people who dont wear their seat belts.  I am rather militant about that.

When I am feeling hostile towards humanity, I say things like "somebody ejected from a car or has massive brain damage from not wearing their helmet deserves to have the paramedics pack up their stuff, drive off, and call Dead Animal Pickup."

Just me, probably wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy



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