RE: Through Rose-Colored Glasses

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RE: Through Rose-Colored Glasses - 4/2/2007 7:33:30 AM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
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I think it's more a case of people wishing to put their best face forward.
Most don't want to be vulnerable or embarrass themselves or their mates or partners by exposing disharmony in their lives.
Hell many a sub can't even talk privately to another sub about problems they have. Their Doms want to be viewed as perfect or something and forbid the sub from reaching out to other subs & discussing things that bother them in their relationships.

So weather it's a choice to hide your dirty laundry to make your life look cleaner or it's ordered to not communicate private issues often there are lots of unhappy people pretending to be happy & that everything is coming up roses when they hold thorns instead.

We indeed all want others to see us through rose colored glasses from time to time. To be considered favorably by others builds confidence you've got yourself pretty together too.
Being open to exposing your imperfections and issues often causes more problems than it's fixes.

There's some old Asian thing about not bringing shame or losing face in your house.
It's where no matter how upset, sad or angry you are you keep your face and body language in check in public so the public has no clue there's disharmony or something wrong in your house.
It's where the only time you act real is when you're home alone and the rest of the time you guard your emotions and prevent them from being on the surface so no one's aware you have issues.
I think we've all adopted that on some scale as it's more community accepted a response than being real and openly laying your business out there for the world to see.
The price of free speech is not free.
Sometimes it's just better to go with the flow than to rock the boat in public.
suzanne

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Post #: 21

RE: Through Rose-Colored Glasses - 4/2/2007 8:55:09 AM

jauntyone

Posts: 543
Joined: 2/27/2007
From: Anchorage Alaska
Status: offline

Greetings

I am in a perfect relationship. A relationship that is totally perfect for myself. Any fights, arguements, disagreements; they all go towards making this relationship perfect. Of course, the fact that I love him desperatly, and that I know he returns those feelings helps alot also.

Our relationship is no different than that of millions of others. I don't try to think that it is, nor do I try and tell others that it is. We compromise just like they do. The only difference is in how we compromise, how we argue, how we fight, and how we disagree.

I wish you well

melissa

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RE: Through Rose-Colored Glasses - 4/2/2007 9:13:32 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

Hell many a sub can't even talk privately to another sub about problems they have. Their Doms want to be viewed as perfect or something and forbid the sub from reaching out to other subs & discussing things that bother them in their relationships.

So weather it's a choice to hide your dirty laundry to make your life look cleaner or it's ordered to not communicate private issues often there are lots of unhappy people pretending to be happy & that everything is coming up roses when they hold thorns instead.

Im not disagreeing or anything, but I wanted to add something that I felt was important to this. When I first started to become close to my Daddy, but was still unsure of where we were headed, I would talk to my best friend about these insecurities. I failed to mention them to him, I would unload on her about all the things that I was unsure of. She in turn would justify my insecurities. Being on "my side" was actually not being on "my side". Basically she would talk with me about all the things that troubled me, making them larger than they were at times. It became destructive to what I was trying to build. He never forbid me to talk to her or anyone else. He never has tried to isolate me from my friends, but I had an epiphany... I was not going to talk about my relationship with her anymore. I was not going to relate my insecurities to her anymore. I was not going to complain about him anymore to anyone. I told him about this epiphany. It changed the course of our relationship. I talk to him first about how I feel and my insecurities and my issues. It has just evolved that because I talk to him first there is no need to talk to anyone else about my issues.

I still have this friend in my life. We still talk about relationships, but the tone of these conversations has changed. I no longer complain to her about my "issues". We talk more of spiritual things now, and gratitude.

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RE: Through Rose-Colored Glasses - 4/2/2007 9:41:58 AM

MsKatHouston

Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
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There is no such thing as absolute bliss and harmony in a relationship at all times. Everyone has little tiffs, ups and downs. But, when one looks at a relationship overall I think that's where the wine and roses comes in. I, for example, choose to focus on the feelings we have for one another regarding our relationship which is all cupids and violins. I don't usually feel it necessary to point out that though we are absolutely perfect for each other, last Tuesday he kneed me in the back while sleeping and I hit him or that I was especially grumpy and snappy Friday, two months ago.

I don't think when answering posts I make it seem unrealistic and will in fact cite examples when the thread calls for it. But most times I am pretty blissfully happy in my relationship. It may be uncommon but it's true. I also do not tend to focus on any major issues in a personal thread if something happens. Instead, I will go to trusted friends. If I have a philosophical or educational question, I may go to the boards but the truly personal stuff generally stays close to home.

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RE: Through Rose-Colored Glasses - 4/2/2007 10:50:04 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChainedExistence

Are we sometimes guilty of acting as if we are in the perfect relationship, we are totally self-actualized, and everything is always sunshine and roses? Sometimes when I read posts, I start thinking, "You have to be kidding...don't you guys ever fight or anything?" Master and I had a talk about that today- how we used to fight a lot, and thankfully we've moved past a lot of that, but it took real work on both our parts to get there. I was stubborn and untrusting, and not mature enough to be the slave I needed to be. I made excuses for poor behavior, and I ranted at times when I knew I was clearly in the wrong. Now, if you ask me now how things are, I'd say "perfect", but the truth is it was made "perfect" through lots of trials and tribulations. ( and of course, we're nowhere close to perfect, but we're always working toward improvement.) I just wonder if we make unattached people think that when they get involved in a relationship like ours, it's supposed to be better than regular relationships. Maybe some of those "demanding" profiles are a result of someone thinking they have to have the perfect partner right from the start rather than going through the work. Personally, I like posts where people say.."hey, I screwed up" or "I was jealous when" or " I got my feelings hurt when he...." . It speaks to the real challenges we all face at times, even the " perfect ones." What do you think? Have you ever been guilty of trying to "look good" on the boards and sort of leave out the the parts that aren't so perfect? Master told me recently I was "showing off" when I wrote about liking marks from a cane and a paddle, and in a way he was right, I despise paddles, ( I just like the marks they make after!)So, what are you guilty of sugar-coating about yourself or your relationship?

I don't think I sugar coat my relationship, but I also don't divulge all the details, because quite honestly I don't believe its always someones business to know everything. Honestly, the perception that people are sugar coating their relationship or somehow omitting something that is crucial and would change everything is sometimes true, but more than often has to do with the other person and not with the two people in the relationship.

C~

Edited to add: if I don't divulge details chances are I'm not even participating in that particular thread of discussion. If I participate in a thread I most likely talk about things and how it plays out in my relationship in general terms, without specifics that I think are just irrelevant or TMI.

< Message edited by Wildfleurs -- 4/2/2007 10:52:43 AM >

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RE: Through Rose-Colored Glasses - 4/2/2007 12:19:52 PM

Dnomyar

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As with anything else perfect is in the eyes of the beholder.

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RE: Through Rose-Colored Glasses - 4/2/2007 3:26:41 PM

spanklette

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Joined: 2/22/2005
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I threw my rose colored glasses away when my divorce was final.

That being said, I would never say anything on a message board that would embarass my Daddy...that's just me. Do we fight? Oh yeah! Do we get over it and learn from the experience? Oh yeah!

So, as imperfect people, we have the most perfect relationship possible. An example, if I might: I am His submissive and it is my job to keep His need met, within my limits. He still gets up in the morning and makes me coffee because He loves me and would like to keep His head attached to the rest of Him. It's give and take. I love Him with everything that I've got, and He loves me in return. That's the most I can ask for and the most I can live up to.

Does anyone remember that math algorithm where the equation approaches zero but never actually reaches it? It's like that. We approach perfection, but never really reach it. I think if we did, there would be nothing left to learn from each other. I learn something new about us everyday...good, bad, or ugly. It's wonderful and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Besides, our problems are our problems...I would never allow them to become public fodder for discussion. My feelings couldn't stand it and neither could my pride.

< Message edited by spanklette -- 4/2/2007 3:27:37 PM >

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~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

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