rskenderian
Posts: 48
Joined: 3/6/2007
From: Coventry, CT, USA
Status: offline
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Privatepolyboy;
This is long, but i take it from my own experience, and my own growth and realizations; it may or may not be valid in your case; but it might be very helpful if any portion of it is valid. i don't know you - or the situation - well enough, but i know situations that are emotionally similar, if not the same, really, and i know things i have done in my writing which feel very familiar to me when i read yours. Everyone operates differently, but there's so much familiarity, that i can't help but think of a similarity of intention-sets. Certainly i am familiar with wanting to be close, but being afraid to be, and certainly i am familiar with the many ways i have found 'outs' from difficult situations.
This reply is for you.
my 'conjecture':
the feelings you have are everywhere to be had, in any relationship(s), or group, or community. Pro-active self-defense is the biggest killer of fulfillment there is, from what i've seen. Ask yourself "What do i really want?" .., and if you happen to be Human, the answer might be 'To be loved and to love'.
Loving, and continuing to Love - especially when your 'self-protection' buttons are pressed and your 'self-preservation' alarms go off, requires an inordinate amount of courage and strength.
It's very easy to either leave ... or sometimes better, to "leave" in your mindset already by, say, distancing yourself, and then let the Other reject you. It's easy to set up rejection scenarios. Your letter appears - to me - to be a setup for your own 'being rejected'. You said some things that indicated that you didn't really have an investment where you are, but that your situation is, in fact, a temporary one to you. This was done very skillfully, as an 'admittance' or 'confession' . This way, you can blame the rejection on them - a rejection not really deserved in your mind, because you did offer to do better - and not have to do the hard stuff that you really need to do - like get familiar with, deal with, feel, and get past those deep fears.
But i think everything else mentioned in reply here is true, as well. But your new identity says something; and "to protect your family" is not, i think the main reason. The main reason for the new identity, i think, is so that you CAN MAKE THE POST. By making the post, you're looking for 'public' exoneration and providing yourself with a public display and proof that you did, in fact, offer to do better. But i don't think you have your heart set on it, because you've gone through an awful lot of work to make this post. It appears - to me - that you're using this to avoid having to do what you know you have to do - and let someone else - your Dominant - make that decision for you, when you really are the one who has to make it.
You want to leave - not because someone was dismissed, but because you want to leave, anyway. You stated very clearly in your letter that this Dominant is not for you, that you do not Love her, really, and you aren't getting what you want, even though you like it and it is rewarding and there's no reason TO leave, but there is a reason TO go ... somewhere else. The dismissal that occurred may just be a 'reason' to distance yourself, like you really want to, anyway; and instead of leaving and feeling like a failure, and instead of leaving and feeling guilty of hurting O/others - you get to be 'dismissed'. You WANT to be dismissed. i can't help but see that throughout your letter. It's what i would have done in the exact circumstance, and that's a bit coincidental for me to view it as coincidental.
The context of your new identity just to make that post, means that the post is very important to you. But is it important because you actually need advice, or is it important because you actually need to be innocent, to have forgiveness, to blame what you want to blame on your D., and to blame what you want to blame on yourself?
1) You were dismissed; therefore you didn't hurt anyone and are not guilty.
2) You have already 'dismissed' yourself, so the actual dismissal will only be the formal recognition of what you have already made true.
3) You don't deserve to be dismissed - as everyone knows - because you wrote a letter saying you wanted to try harder, and even posted that letter in public. Your D. gets to be guilty of hurting you - but you aren't really being hurt by that, since you're making it come true - and you get to avoid being 'the bad guy.'
Nice package deal.
You did say that you do not want to hurt anyone in your letter - and i believe that. So, the solution is to be hurt by an undeserved dismissal, so you aren't really hurt :)
But, there's still more. :)
YEah! Awesome!
You do have a problem with rejection and do defend yourself against it very well - and very slyly. You try to manage the least amount of hurt possible; guilt hurts, too, so you do not want to feel guilty.
But all this expected rejection, the expected dismissal, the ASKING - "for the sake of everyone else" per se - that you be dismissed, is all being orchestrated by yourself to cause the least hurt to everyone - which is really the least hurt to yourself.
Additionally, this is a 'life-long problem' ... so no-one is at fault here and nobody is responsible, and nobody should or is supposed to feel bad. It's just your 'problem', and you'd like to stop .... you just can't. Very convenient, indeed; nobody need be hurt by your inability to be close. But your inability to be close does/does not exist.
You make sure you have this inability as an excuse for when you don't really want to be close and committed. If you were really close and loving - what would happen??? THERE WOULD BE NO REASON TO LEAVE!
Hence you have a 'problem' which you are very sorry about. You have not been the submissive you know you should have been, and ... you take full responsibility for this 'problem' ....
But unfortunately, the problem is real.
All this makes it impossible for you to be fulfilled, and makes it impossible for you to give yourself fully - which is a big problem.
i don't think you feel ready to give yourself fully yet. i think you want to see more of what's out there. You just might not be ready to commit; you certainly weren't when you joined this family. So now it's been time for you to leave, but you don't know how. Well, actually, you're doing an excellent job at it.
But the problem is that you should still be able to give yourself fully, and you know that and feel that.
That's your problem here, methinks.
At some point, you'll have to go down to the core of you and ask "What do i really want?"
Rip up the letter, stop this post - close it ... and GIVE everything you have. Ask your Mistress to MAKE you give everything, because you NEED to. Ask Her to MAKE you serve fully and selflessly, because you NEED to. Ask Her to have ZERO leniency. Ask Her to NOT accept your BS letter, or anything EXCEPT your fullest giving, your fullest service. If you're there, you should be giving everything you have, regardless, because otherwise, you're just going to be in pain NOT doing what you NEED to do.
Yes, of course the dismissal would be upsetting, but it seems to me that you're using this as your get-away plan.
Emotional entanglements?
You ARE emotionally entangled already.
Your letter is filled with veiled opposites, rationality opposing feelings;
"who i felt would have come around to sense if given to chance, who i love and care for as a sister in truth (note: i am not, nor have i, questioned the decision to release her; and she further has convinced me to even greater lengths that the decision was and is the correct one)... well i digress"
hmmm... are you really digressing? Perhaps you wrote with a pen, so you weren't able to omit you 'digression' ... but i can't help but suspect that this was not at all a 'digression', because, here you are saying something very, very strong, and which is in strong disagreement with your Ma'am. You don't think the dismissal was warranted; you thought that "your sister in truth who you love and care for would come around if given the chance".
This is emotionally pretty potent. Also, you didn't digress speaking about how you felt for her, but, rather, indicated your digression about your agreeing that the decision was correct.
"that the decision was and is the correct one)... well i digress"
No, i don't think you were really digressing; i think you said pretty much what you wanted to say. If you typed this letter, then there's no question about it, because you would have deleted the digression if you really felt that way.
It's ok; things get tricky and complex, with opposing feelings, and then thoughts about which one of them is right thrown in.
Your plea is indeed pleaful. But you set yourself up prior to your plea for a fall. You were certainly honest, but not fully about your inner conflict.
"for while You are not exactly the Dominant i was looking for, You have proven to be the Dominant that i need... "
ouch. Paragraphs of ouch ensue here in your letter.
"not exactly" ... ouch.
Not "not"
but "not exactly"
"for while You WERE not the Dominant i was EXACTLY looking for,
Compare the two... you keep it present tense, with the word "are" instead of "were";
"for while You ARE not EXACTLY the Dominant i was looking for ....."
Additionally the lack of "exactness" you directly associate with your Dominant, instead of directly with your 'looking for'
So we end up with the coffered statement:
"You are not exactly the Dominant."
Also;
"You have proven to be the Dominant that i need..."
Now you place it in past tense "have proven" passive instead of present tense positive;
You ARE the Dominant that i need."
Sounds like a goodbye to me.
Seems like you're ready to continue looking for the Dominant you were looking for.
Time to get dismissed so you can do that.
But, if you do, you won't fare too well i don't think, as your friend has suggested, with his advice that you talk and discuss things or you WILL regret it!
He feels, as do i, that leaving is something you WILL regret. It seems that you also feel this way, and in such way, do really mean your plea for help.
Again, it seems to me that the help you need is the help to MAKE you continue to give everything.you have. You even say so in your letter - between the lines - all over the place and from every vantage possible.
It's difficult to see for ourselves what we're doing. i am pointed out things similar to what i point out here. I try to navigate carefully, too. It usually doesn't work out too well - for anyone.
i would suggest that you disregard your own letter; it is filled with too many things and too many converse statements i might suggest that you do not let your Ma'am make such decision for you, but that YOU make the decision about whether you are going to stay and give everything you have, or whether you are going to leave. If your decision is true, and you know it, then you can speak, and that speaking will not hurt - but simply be the truth.
*end of ... conjecture*
- richard "puppy"
<edited because it just needed to be edited>
< Message edited by rskenderian -- 3/31/2007 7:58:17 PM >
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Free: exc. puppy to good home, caring Owner. Intelligent, trainable, affectionate, loyal. Loves: to please, love, toys/playtime, visitors, B/D, kittens, D/s etc. Wolfish; needs collar. Has tantrums, needs spankings. Tends to come from a place of passion.
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please help: serious - 
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