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CreativeDominant -> RE: Just not ready. (3/23/2007 5:08:16 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: missturbation
After reading quite a few threads recently in this forum one answer seems to appears in most. The maybe you're 'just not ready' for a new relationship reply!!
It got me wondering how one would go about recognising before we cause any damage / hurt to others by our actions that we are just not ready to move on to a new relationship?
It's a little to late to think im not ready for this when we are already making people pay for past partners mistakes, when we realise we have gone into a relationship on the rebound, when we are distrusting virtually everything our partner says, when we are too dependant, when we have run away because we got scared, when we have shown an online persona that we can't live up to in person because of past relationship issues or because we have baggage that is too heavy!!
I personally am guilty of all those and possibly more but can't seem to find a 'warning sign' i should have emotionally seen that would have prevented any of the above.
Do you have a 'warning sign' that lets you know you are not ready to move on? Or do you think the things above and possibly more are just unavoidable actions and we can't foresee we are not ready?
Depends on how honest you are willing to be with yourself.
I was already involved in a relationship when my marriage broke up. It was my first D/s relationship and yes, it was serious. This was the submissive I eventually sent home to rebuild the life she had left or finish tearing it down. Ironically...the right thing for me to do for her at the time and looking back, even now, I wonder just how I got it right. After the end of my marriage and the end of this D/s relationship, I deliberately sought out a casual relationship because I knew I was not ready for too-serious interaction. I needed time to delve into myself and examine myself. I found one and it was what I wanted and needed at the time. Lucky. Because after that one, I felt "I've dealt with everything...I am READY for the big time". I wasn't...and thus it led to me hearing that line which I would echo, with words changed somewhat, later on with another partner..."I am not those bitches...never was and never will be...and you can't see that". That's when I learned that I needed some help dealing with things that were underneath. It took nearly two years of digging and listening and crying and yelling with a therapist and by myself to get at what was underneath and to learn that you can't go from one relationship to another with no down time....that you need to take time to look at yourself. The other thing I learned is that, if you are going to learn anything from what you've just been through, you need part of that time to find the strength and objectivity to be able to look honestly at what went right...and what went wrong...and your part in it.
To sum it all up...I don't know that there is any one emotional thing to watch out for. I would say this: if you NEED to be in a relationship instead of want to...if you catch yourself rationalizing the other person's actions or your own instead of seeking a good reason for those actions...if you catch yourself reminiscing, whether sadly or happily, about your past relationship even while trying to establish this one...if you catch yourself comparing everything they say or do to your past partner ( a bad trait I've noted among several of those submissives who had dominant trainers/mentors who engaged in D/s and BDSM play with their trainees)....and finally, as others have noted, if you catch yourself making someone a priority who chooses to make you an option...you may not be ready.
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