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RE: Disinterest vs fakeness - 3/21/2007 8:22:10 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: myobedience

quote:

ORIGINAL: WilliamWizer

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Why is being fake always the automatic response?
I think that depends entirely on who is calling you a fake. Some here seem to truly believe in old fashioned manners of that if someone takes the time to send you a mail you should have the courtesy to respond and teamed with the fact you are a sub / slave then its even more reasonable to assume you will reply. Its old school thinking i guess.

sorry for the small off topic but answering a message or a mail is common courtesy. even if it's only to say "I'm not interested" but the other person knows you read his/her message and toke the time to answer it. I don't think is asking a lot and has nothing to do with being sub or Master.

I totally agree.

Yeah but being rude doesn't mean you are fake. There are rude people in all walks of life. You certainly wouldn't call a rude lesbian a fake just because she poofed.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to myobedience)

Post #: 21

RE: Disinterest vs fakeness - 3/21/2007 8:24:13 AM

stockingluvr54

Posts: 673
Joined: 6/22/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Devilslilsister

William - sure its common curtsey........ but who is anyone to owe it to anyone else? Same goes for respect....

The way I see it is... If someone puts up a profile and IS searching for another(?)...then they are hoping for a response, right? If someone takes the time to POLITELY respond with a genuine interest then a response should be given! If that person can't take the rejection and sends a flame reply....THEN go and block that person. jmho.....

< Message edited by stockingluvr54 -- 3/21/2007 8:25:25 AM >

(in reply to Devilslilsister)

Post #: 22

RE: Disinterest vs fakeness - 3/21/2007 8:35:55 AM

WhiplashSmile

Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Personally, I feel it's the BDSM verison of the "slut phenomenon". The slut phenomenon, by the way, is person A walks up to person B and asks "Will you sleep with me?". Person B says "No." So person A spends the rest of the night telling everyone what a slut person B is.

"Oh you rejected me! Obviously you are fake!"

As for the whole disappearing thing... I can understand the desire to call someone fake when they have gone poof on you. However, I still don't think it makes you a fake to go poof. It definately doesn't make you the most mature person in the world, but it doesn't make you a fake.

LOL... how very true. This is another classic versatile meaning for the word fake.
Great example!

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 23

RE: Disinterest vs fakeness - 3/21/2007 8:55:40 AM

WhiplashSmile

Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline

Personally, I have always hold a higher opinion of those that take time to send a "Sorry, thanks but no thanks" email back.

When I reply to profiles, I tend to write something very personalized. It's not some canned out crappy form letter. It takes time to write things, when I recieve back a simple reply. It always leaves me with a good impression about the person. Those that don't reply I am indifferent about.

Just a few days ago, I had somebody write me in response to my profile. They had send me a well written human heartful email. I took the time to write back, and even went into detail as to the exact reason/nature why. I recieved a wonderful thank you back after that.

The one thing I have found out from talking to many people, and my own interactions. Looking for another person on a site like this is nothing to put a lot of faith in. If you do, it could become brutal to self esteem.

There are probally many people burned out from writting messages as there are those reading them. It can became a dissapointment at times. It's not exactly easy meeting somebody online. Anybody who thinks they can pop online and hook up with another person just like that, and have an instant relationship, is fooling themselves.

The rejection rate online is dare I say higher then in real world encounters even. LOL.. Worse yet, it's a lot easier for people to hide behind their computer. You really don't know the person because you've never met face to face. In many ways cyberspace is almost real, but not quiet. Enough so that it's easier for people to use the word "Fake".

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 24

RE: Disinterest vs fakeness - 3/21/2007 9:14:31 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

It's great when someone sends a polite "no, thanks I'm not interested" e-mail.

But it doesn't make them fake when they don't. It just means they are rude, trying to avoid getting called a fake, or just didn't have time.

If we tossed people out of the lifestyle for being rude this community would be a lot smaller....

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 25

RE: Disinterest vs fakeness - 3/21/2007 9:19:56 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WilliamWizer

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Why is being fake always the automatic response?
I think that depends entirely on who is calling you a fake. Some here seem to truly believe in old fashioned manners of that if someone takes the time to send you a mail you should have the courtesy to respond and teamed with the fact you are a sub / slave then its even more reasonable to assume you will reply. Its old school thinking i guess.

sorry for the small off topic but answering a message or a mail is common courtesy. even if it's only to say "I'm not interested" but the other person knows you read his/her message and toke the time to answer it. I don't think is asking a lot and has nothing to do with being sub or Master.

Damn, i'm going to take the bait here!
There are many reasons why i don't reply to all my mail.
1. Lack of time.
2. If the message just says 'hi' or 'hello' no thought has gone into the message and i cant be bothered (to be honest) putting thought into it back.
3. 'Kneel bitch' messages. They may be some peoples cup of tea and way of living but not mine.
4. If by their message it is obvious they have not read my profile eg, subs who message and ask me to be their domme.

Before you jump to the conclusion people are just being rude and should reply to every message they recieve you need to think about why they may not reply. Plus without sounding egotistical the amount of messages i recieve it would take me forever to reply to them all.

Disclaimer - just my opinion.

Edited to add: I put the comment about being a sub because some doms / dommes feel because you are one that is the reason you should reply.

< Message edited by missturbation -- 3/21/2007 9:21:57 AM >

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to WilliamWizer)

Post #: 26

RE: Disinterest vs fakeness - 3/21/2007 9:32:38 AM

jauntyone

Posts: 543
Joined: 2/27/2007
From: Anchorage Alaska
Status: offline

greetings

this is not in reply to anyone in particular

Some people, when they get to a certain stage with another, in any kind of relationship, go through a period of anxiety. They wonder if they are doing the right thing, is this the right person, am I getting in to deep, etc etc. Some of them back off; some of them don't. It does not mean that they are not real people or that they are not interested. It just means that their fear outweighs everything else at that time.

I don't answer email here. Not because I am disinterested in what the other person has to say, but quite simply, because I see no reason to. Not disinterest; not rudeness, not because I am not a real person.

As for what everyone refers to as fakes. What is a fake to one, is real to another. I have seen both men and women go into basic training only to ask to be dropped after a while because they realize that it was not for them. It does not make them a fake; it simply means that it was not the life for them.

I wish you well,

melissa

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 27

RE: Disinterest vs fakeness - 3/21/2007 10:12:36 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

small? It would be tinytinytiny....

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 28

RE: Disinterest vs fakeness - 3/21/2007 10:14:29 AM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

sub4hire, calling someone a fake is not out of line, but then I don't consider someone with different fetishes fake. What do we mean by fake?

Here's what the dictionary has to say:
1. prepare or make something specious, deceptive, or fraudulent.
2. to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc., usually in order to deceive.
3. to pretend; simulate.

noun
1. something that is a counterfeit; not what it seems to be
2. a person who makes deceitful pretenses

This is the definition that I use for fake. By this definition, I consider anyone on this site a fake if they are not really interested in meeting up and experiencing a BDSM lifestyle. That includes everyone from the guys just looking for some fast sex, to the old men just getting their rocks off, to women who pretend interest but have no intention of following through (aka bored housewife syndrom).

They are not fake people, they are faking an interest in BDSM, and mostly don't have a single clue what it is really about. And no interest in learning.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

Ok, let's assume I am seeking and you are also seeking a mate. We find one another here on CM. Start talking and seem to be hitting it off. Then we get into our personal fetishes. Yours is death play. That is an extreme limit for me. Though over the year's I have met people into death play.
I recoil to myself and withdraw from any further negotiations with you.
Does that now mean I am fake? I'm not into your fetish nor am I wanting to care enough to get to know you anymore. That does not mean I'm still not seeking someone more compatible with me.
That does not mean I may not go out tomorrow and meet the dominant of my dreams either.

Only means, I don't want you. Just because I don't want to follow through with you does not mean I am fake.

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 29

RE: Disinterest vs fakeness - 3/21/2007 10:36:54 AM

MagiksSlave

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

thats not fake its just rude!!!

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 30

RE: Disinterest vs fakeness - 3/21/2007 12:35:32 PM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

sub4, we are talking at cross purposes here. The OP asked a hypothetical question:

"Is it not possible for a person to simply not be interested in another, but not want to deal with the drama that could come with rejecting another person? Why is being fake always the automatic response? Is it because it's easier to say 'you're fake' rather than admiting to yourself that someone might not be interested in you?"

As with any hypothetical, the answer has to be yes, of course it is possible.

You said "Only means, I don't want you. Just because I don't want to follow through with you does not mean I am fake."

Where in my statement did I say that I would consider your disinterest as being fake? As a matter of fact, to my knowledge in the many years I have been involved with this lifestyle I don't believe I have ever called anyone fake simply because they didn't agree with me, or didn't want to be with me.

I was responding to LA, who was referring to an individual event, as are you. But I am not talking about any one event, because, again, obviously, we cannot usually know why any particular promising relationship falls apart. To this hypothetical I said:

"I don't personally waste my time calling any one individual a fake. As you say, there can be a host of reasons why we are not clicking. The only issue for me is the bottom line, we are not clicking. I don't call them names, or flame them, I just drop it and move onto someone else."

Now doesn't that make sense? I don't CARE whether they are fake, or have their own good reasons they don't want to share with me. What I DO care about is the bottom line. They are not interested. Time for me to move on.

My point was in the overall scheme of things, the big picture.

"This is the definition that I use for fake. By this definition, I consider anyone on this site a fake if they are not really interested in meeting up and experiencing a BDSM lifestyle. That includes everyone from the guys just looking for some fast sex, to the old men just getting their rocks off, to women who pretend interest but have no intention of following through (aka bored housewife syndrom).

They are not fake people, they are faking an interest in BDSM, and mostly don't have a single clue what it is really about. And no interest in learning."

Now is that an incorrect statement? People who are like the examples I described are faking an interest in BDSM. Can I point to any specific individual and say "AHA, you are faking it?" No, of course not. But that was not my point. My point was these are the kind of people I consider faking an interest in BDSM. Wouldn't you agree people who are like this are not interested in a BDSM relationship?

Namaste, Sir Dominic

p.s. Too bad about your lack of interest in death play. It's sooo hard to find reasonable subs anymore.....

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 31

RE: Disinterest vs fakeness - 3/21/2007 5:31:58 PM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

{fast reply}

Not replying has been discussed numorous times & many people offer very valid reasons why they don't reply... even with a simple "not interested".

Often a "not interested reply" generates even more unwanted/unecessary email. Often profiles are very specific about the who/what/why/when an email would be wanted/welcomed by a sender. If the sender doesn't fit in with the limits stated in the profile or completely ignores what is stated in the profile do they really deserve a reply? Is it rude to simply ignore cases such as this especially when you have already forewarned people that their replies will be ignored if they don't meet the stated guidelines?

I don't think cases such as this are either rude nor cause to consider someone fake.

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 32

RE: Disinterest vs fakeness - 3/21/2007 8:02:58 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

I do not feel it is ALWAYS a matter of disinterest..I simply think it is something you take on a person to person basis...it will always be an individualistic response..your opinion is your opinion..and theirs is theirs...There is too much grey in the world to always have absolutes.....Tempting

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 33

RE: Disinterest vs fakeness - 3/21/2007 9:29:29 PM

MistressDolly

Posts: 917
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

quote:

ORIGINAL: WilliamWizer

sorry for the small off topic but answering a message or a mail is common courtesy. even if it's only to say "I'm not interested" but the other person knows you read his/her message and toke the time to answer it. I don't think is asking a lot and has nothing to do with being sub or Master.

William, in a perfect world this makes perfect sense. The reality is that there are many more dominant men looking for submissive women. As such, a lot of women get overwhelmed with emails, 100 or more a DAY is not uncommon for some. There is no realistic way the woman can take the time to answer that much email to say thank you, not interested. She would never have time to do anything else!

sub4hire, calling someone a fake is not out of line, but then I don't consider someone with different fetishes fake. What do we mean by fake?

Here's what the dictionary has to say:
1. prepare or make something specious, deceptive, or fraudulent.
2. to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc., usually in order to deceive.
3. to pretend; simulate.

noun
1. something that is a counterfeit; not what it seems to be
2. a person who makes deceitful pretenses

This is the definition that I use for fake. By this definition, I consider anyone on this site a fake if they are not really interested in meeting up and experiencing a BDSM lifestyle. That includes everyone from the guys just looking for some fast sex, to the old men just getting their rocks off, to women who pretend interest but have no intention of following through (aka bored housewife syndrom).

They are not fake people, they are faking an interest in BDSM, and mostly don't have a single clue what it is really about. And no interest in learning.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

On the mark, as usual.

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 34

RE: Disinterest vs fakeness - 3/21/2007 9:45:22 PM

stella40

Posts: 417
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: London, UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

quote:

ORIGINAL: WilliamWizer

sorry for the small off topic but answering a message or a mail is common courtesy. even if it's only to say "I'm not interested" but the other person knows you read his/her message and toke the time to answer it. I don't think is asking a lot and has nothing to do with being sub or Master.

William, in a perfect world this makes perfect sense. The reality is that there are many more dominant men looking for submissive women. As such, a lot of women get overwhelmed with emails, 100 or more a DAY is not uncommon for some. There is no realistic way the woman can take the time to answer that much email to say thank you, not interested. She would never have time to do anything else!

sub4hire, calling someone a fake is not out of line, but then I don't consider someone with different fetishes fake. What do we mean by fake?

Here's what the dictionary has to say:
1. prepare or make something specious, deceptive, or fraudulent.
2. to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc., usually in order to deceive.
3. to pretend; simulate.

noun
1. something that is a counterfeit; not what it seems to be
2. a person who makes deceitful pretenses

This is the definition that I use for fake. By this definition, I consider anyone on this site a fake if they are not really interested in meeting up and experiencing a BDSM lifestyle. That includes everyone from the guys just looking for some fast sex, to the old men just getting their rocks off, to women who pretend interest but have no intention of following through (aka bored housewife syndrom).

They are not fake people, they are faking an interest in BDSM, and mostly don't have a single clue what it is really about. And no interest in learning.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

Sorry, but I have to go along with William here.

Down the left hand side is a button called 'Edit Profile' - I think if you're being hit with 100 or more e-mails a day then maybe you need to be editing your profile to make it more specific and to attract less but better responses.

As for the concept of being 'fake' - this is a popular term, as is 'timewaster'. You also have the other popular term - wannabe.

These are just labels. I've been involved in BDSM a long time. It appears to me that the way the cookie crumbles is that you come across a lot of unsuitable people, you find some people who could be suitable, but the people who ARE suitable are very few - unless of course you're a Domme aged 30-40 or a female submissive who's blonde, pretty and aged 20-30.

Unless you have been genuinely deceived or cheated, I find calling someone else a 'fake' or 'timewaster' a pretty immature way of saying they didn't meet your expectations. That's how I see it anyway.

And what is a genuine BDSM lifestyle? How can it be defined? What are the criteria? Is it something involving play? Specific attitudes? A specific sort of relationship?

When you look at BDSM as a whole you can see a very wide, broad spectrum of human and social interaction, ritual, behaviour, and mindsets and therefore 'lifestyle' can be defined in many different ways, all different to your own.

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 35

RE: Disinterest vs fakeness - 3/21/2007 9:52:48 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

LA, you are assuming pain of rejection is involved. For some, probably many, you are probably right. No so for me. My philosophy is if they don't want to be with me, there are plenty of others who will. No harm, no foul.

But then you are talking about individual events, I am talking about the community as a whole. Certainly you wouldn't deny that the list Whip identified as fakes are not on here, would you?

I don't personally waste my time calling any one individual a fake. As you say, there can be a host of reasons why we are not clicking. The only issue for me is the bottom line, we are not clicking. I don't call them names, or flame them, I just drop it and move onto someone else.

I have my own problems, who amongst us does not. But I own my problems and don't push them onto others for perceived offenses.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

I totally agree, and usually people are called "fakes" primarily as a 3rd grade level attempt to insult others.
I don't like, understand or agree with you--------so you are a fake!
If you don't see or do things, MY WAY, you are a fake!
Often it is said in a manner that they actually think the person needs to "prove" themselves to you!
Make that a 2nd grade insult, most 3rd graders are smarter than that!

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 36

RE: Disinterest vs fakeness - 3/22/2007 10:39:18 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

stella wrote " Down the left hand side is a button called 'Edit Profile' - I think if you're being hit with 100 or more e-mails a day then maybe you need to be editing your profile to make it more specific and to attract less but better responses. "

stella, you are making an incorrect assumption, i.e. that a person's profile has anything to do with the amount of email they get. If a woman is young and pretty, she is going to be literally inundated with emails, no matter what her profile says.

As for the rest of your message, I've already addressed this twice. I don't bother calling anyone fake for any reason. The fact that I believe there are fakes on here is a generalized comment about the site as a whole. The reason it is important to recognize this is for the newbies, who often are unaware of this.

There was a woman with a thread recently saying how she was randomly insulted by someone totally out of the blue. She didn't understand why people would do that on a site where supposedly we are all here to support each other. The answer to her question is that not everyone here is supportive, because not everyone here is really interested in a BDSM relationship. There are fakes and phoneys aplenty on this site.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to stella40)

Post #: 37

RE: Disinterest vs fakeness - 3/23/2007 11:12:22 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Question. How long can you keep doing Death play before you run out of partners?

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 38

RE: Disinterest vs fakeness - 3/26/2007 12:45:56 AM

Smileyking1

Posts: 43
Joined: 3/13/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

Amongst all the threads floating around about fake submissives/dominants, one specific thought keeps coming into my mind. And i'm not sure how to broach the subject. But i'll try my best.

I'm wondering if people mistake disinterest for being fake. Meaning: someone is called fake because they don't answer e-mail, or disappear a few weeks into the relationship. Could that not be disinterest?

Is it not possible for a person to simply not be interested in another, but not want to deal with the drama that could come with rejecting another person? Why is being fake always the automatic response? Is it because it's easier to say 'you're fake' rather than admiting to yourself that someone might not be interested in you?

Thoughts and opinions welcome

Agreed I am also very doubtful in the potential of fakes...

While this site was easy enough to find, it did take some searching

I highly doubt people would come here if they weren't at all interested...and even if they didn't like what they saw the odds are that they would turn away rather than continue, and to be honest that doesn't happen on a personals site =)

So we must ask who would come here to make a fake profile?
Honestly the only person I can think of is somebody seeking to ridicule, but that is just a lack of understanding or acceptance

I am of the belief that the people who choose not to respond are not fake but rather like you said uninterested...or maybe they are simply busy with real life concerns...maybe they have found what they are looking for and no longer wish to engage communally...maybe they gave up hope

the point is that the chances are that the proposed fakes don't exist

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 39

RE: Disinterest vs fakeness - 3/26/2007 1:44:35 AM

susie

Posts: 1699
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WilliamWizer

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Why is being fake always the automatic response?
I think that depends entirely on who is calling you a fake. Some here seem to truly believe in old fashioned manners of that if someone takes the time to send you a mail you should have the courtesy to respond and teamed with the fact you are a sub / slave then its even more reasonable to assume you will reply. Its old school thinking i guess.

sorry for the small off topic but answering a message or a mail is common courtesy. even if it's only to say "I'm not interested" but the other person knows you read his/her message and toke the time to answer it. I don't think is asking a lot and has nothing to do with being sub or Master.

I know this subject has been done to death. It might be common courtesy to reply to all emails you receive but this is not always possible due to the number received. I also think it common courtesy for people to read someones profile and not contact them if you were outside of the scope of what they are searching for. That does not happen either.

My profile says that I am looking for a female. This week I received a message that just said "me" with a picture attached from a Dom on here. Why do you think I should waste my time responding to him when he did not bother considering what I am looking for.

I started replying saying "no thanks" to messages I receive but quickly got tired of all the very very rude replies I got back.

(in reply to WilliamWizer)

Post #: 40

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