RE: Motivations of a Submissive! (Full Version)

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curiouslyseeking -> RE: Motivations of a Submissive! (3/18/2007 12:03:11 PM)

quote:

Thanks for the compliment and for clarifying.


Not a problem![;)]



MistressDoMe -> RE: Motivations of a Submissive! (3/18/2007 12:08:24 PM)

There are plenty of male submissives, that are here to get THEIR wishes fulfilled.
Many of us call them-- do me's.
So you might add a 3rd class of submissives.
Those that claim they want to serve YOU, but really are here to get THEIR needs met.



ownedgirlie -> RE: Motivations of a Submissive! (3/18/2007 12:09:46 PM)

To be true to myself, and to live my purpose.  Under that umbrella falls the specifics, such as pleasing by any means, being controlled and directed, and finding great joy in his happiness and fulfillment, whch results in my mental, emotional, physical and sexual fulfillment.



hisannabelle -> RE: Motivations of a Submissive! (3/18/2007 12:10:21 PM)

for me, being useful to him is a big motivation, although i guess that could fall under pleasing him. being controlled is not so much of a motivation for me. i do enjoy it, but it's the icing - it's not a motivation for me in the same way that receiving pain isn't a motivation for me. they're both things that happen sometimes, and they're both wonderful, but they're not what prompts me to do what i do.



SweetSarijane -> RE: Motivations of a Submissive! (3/18/2007 12:11:36 PM)

My motivations are simple. It fulfills me to please and be pleasing to the one I submit to, to be controlled to a certain degree as well. I need to take care of those I care about including a dominant/SO, family and friends. It's just part of what makes me, me.

As to negative motivation:

I have seen motivations of other subs, male and female, that tended more toward manipulating to get what they wanted such as pain play or kinky sex than submitting or serving to care for and please the dominant, instead in effect making the dominant submissive to the sub's wants and desires.

What is really concerning is the subs, especially newbies, who are actually abused and badly mistreated who honestly believe it's part of "real" bdsm and D/s, M/s and accept it.



lilserver -> RE: Motivations of a Submissive! (3/18/2007 12:14:47 PM)

I am a submissive... that is just who I am by nature. I serve because that is one aspect of my submissiveness.  I need to be controlled to feel secure, whole and safe. It all works together and complements my Master's needs, wants and nature.
 
respectfully, lilserver



bowandserve -> RE: Motivations of a Submissive! (3/18/2007 12:17:28 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

I think a few people have touched on this by one line responses, but I am in agreement with them in my belief is that the whole "motivation" thing seems like it is designed to force a motivation on a situation that may not have one.

I'm a submissive because I don't believe I could live any other way. I don't have a primary motivation that makes me a submissive. I have a submissive lifestyle that feeds motivations. Narrowing it down to two categories of why someone would be submissive is an ill-thought process because all that does is allows you to seek out those who would NOT normally be submissive by playing the "what would it take to make you submissive?" game. In reality, a submissive who is a lifestyle submissive generally does not need "to be controlled" or "to please" but to be submissive. That those results do get achieved in such a relationship adds to the submissive interaction rather than designates it.

For me, quite often the greatest achievement in this realm is to be recognized as being exactly what I am by a woman who is attracted to a submissive entity like me. That, in itself, defines my "motivations" in submissiveness, although it's not a motivation if it is something you would do naturally anyway.



Thank you for this. As a newish domme I am very sensitive to the subs wanting the kinky sex side, making them go through hoops before that comes. I grill them to make sure they are in it "for the right reasons" .

I also liked the other posts that said it can start as that but the growth leads them to realize it is a part of them.

I enjoy the journey of a sub exploring more than just s/m for fun. It's hard to fully let go when you think the "sub" will be on their way when they get their fill of it...



angelic -> RE: Motivations of a Submissive! (3/18/2007 12:34:26 PM)

To be me and to be accepted as me with all my failings, foibles, idocynsies (sp?), neuroses (sp?), well you get the picture.  i do not want someone who wants me for who he can 'mold' (for lack of a better word).  That does not mean that i will not grow, change and have limits expanded.  However, do not approach me with the idea in mind that 'you' can somehow  change me to fit 'you' (generic you used here).



MasterGremlin -> RE: Motivations of a Submissive! (3/18/2007 12:39:15 PM)

While my primary motivation is to please Him, the relationship W/we have as a whole also fills my basic needs as well as allows me to be myself and to feel accepted for who and what I am without judgement.  Also, through being owned by Him gives me a feeling of belonging.  The control He gives me sets limits for me and gives me boundaries that help me be a better person and gives me security.  I get all of these things in exchange for putting a smile on my Masters face.  The feeling is way beyond anything I could have ever comprehended before I met Him. 

I know that there are alot of P/people on here who think that a sub/slaves needs don't matter, but the fact is that my filling His needs fills mine and His filling my needs fills His. 

Cordially,
minxy [:)]



catize -> RE: Motivations of a Submissive! (3/18/2007 12:40:57 PM)

Until four or five years ago my intimate relationships were ‘vanilla’.  I was not fulfilled physically or emotionally with those interactions.  I always knew that what I wanted/needed was someone ‘bigger, meaner, stronger’ than I; not necessarily in a literal sense but I don’t know how else to describe it. 
Yes, I love how the intensity of a good pain session can enhance my sexual response but I don’t see sex as a separate issue regarding BDSM.
It’s ALL part of a package for me; intense and repeated orgasms as well as the thrill of knowing all he has to do is speak and I am jumping to obey. (despite the fact that some times that is a problem for me, it is still a thrill.)
Do I like pleasing him?  Of course!  Does he have the control?  Yes!
Driving to his house for a weekend, no clue what will happen, what we will do or when we will do it excites me.  Learning to go with his flow, accepting his dictates, is an exercise in self control.
My submission is motivated by an internal need to feel the power master has; to be overwhelmed but not suffocated by it. 



WhiplashSmile -> RE: Motivations of a Submissive! (3/18/2007 12:53:51 PM)

From my experience with submissives there tends to be a Core reason for their submission, along with secondary reasons.

Release turn over power
Lately, from conversations with people I know in real time, and online.  There are a number of submissives that are professionals during the day.  They simply want to turn over all control at the end of the day, unwind and relax.  They don't the added responsibility of trying to be in charge of a household.  Plus they want to be Dominated in the bedroom.   Even one of my Vanilla friends, wants this from her husband.  We talked for hours on the phone one night and about BDSM.  I'm friends with both her and her husband.  She was amazed to learn so much about the dynamics of BDSM, that it was something more then kinky sex.  I may be making converts out of them yet. ha ha ha ha...   I have been finding this to be a common trend, online and offline.   Including forced sex rape type of theme desire running hand and hand with this for some strange reason.  Too many people I've been talking to with lately to ignore this one.  I have had a couple of relationships like this now.

The desire to please and be controlled extension of Dom Master type - aka perfect slave
This may be the core for some subs.  Where they find somebody they wish to please and make happy.  It gives them a sense of self worth and value in life. A sense of purpose and meaning.  Perhaps to the extreme at times where as they simply become almost a creepy clone of the Dom or Master.  Where your interests and activities become theirs as well.  Everything about the Dom they embrace fully without even being asked.  I have had one relationship like this, to the point she was all the time turning control over to me, down to the smallest detail.  It was rather ironic, because many of these things I was not seeking to control in the first place.  There were a few times, when I told her to simply make up here mind about what to buy or do, because it was such a small detail in life that I had no preference or desire to control.   Yes, Amazing as it sounds there are subs out there that even want to turn over more control then you care to want to be in control of.  Whatever is your interests becomes theirs and on and on.  After awhile this got to be boring and tiresome.  She did so much, that there was very little for me to do around the house even.  It was difficult at times, trying to have somebody around to bounce and look for personal thoughts or takes on matters.  It was as if she was mindless, that she had no mind of her own.   Sometimes, I just want to talk to another and double check my thoughts.  I'm not crazy about somebody supporting me to the point, they'll let me make a mistake or not voice a contrasting opinion or thought.  In retrospect, I could probally do this one all over again, knowing what I know now, and be able to manage and deal with it better.  LOL...

The sexual no service sub type
I have had one that wanted to be dominated and controlled hard core in the bedroom.  When it came to dealing with day to day shit around the house.  Damn it, Move your ass now.  Pick up your fucking shit, take care of things. Damn it. You listen to me in the bedroom, why not outside.  While the sex may be great, the BDSM play time may be great.  You find yourself in battle trying to take control of lazy behaviors outside the bedroom.  Needless to say, this was harmful to her sense of self esteem, because she felt like a lazy slob.  Yes, it was true though! She was a lazy slob.  The relationship did not work out well, so her ass had to hit the curb.   The very least I expect is for one to take care of their own mess and have some useful functions in life besides BDSM play and sex.   It was probally some of the best BDSM play and sex I ever had with a sub.  But damn it there's more to life then BDSM play and sex.  Kick to the Curb...

The desire to please to an extreme of second guessing a head.
Another one if was with, she had a great desire to please me.  She was in fact doing things in a second guess manner.  I ended up finding myself trying to retrain this line of behavior.  It was like she was trying to keep 5 steps in front of me with things all the time.  Sometimes, what she was trying to do, was not what I wanted done at all.  Very difficult at times, trying to get her to stop second guessing things I wanted to have done, or what my needs and desired were.  To the point, when I tried to get her to back off from this, it was damaging her sense of self.  I tried working with her on getting adjusted to real time, and not her second guessing imagination.  Difficult issues with her sense of self esteem while trying to correct this behavior.  This one is a good example of how the Desire to please can become damaging to a subs sense of being.  Found this relationship to be rather challenging at times.


Oh hell there is a lot more I can share on this topic, I'm just going to post these few things for now.  Perhaps some of you can relate to being in one of these types of relationships already.







sonny2000 -> RE: Motivations of a Submissive! (3/18/2007 12:55:43 PM)

No Master has any power other then to fullfill the needs of a submissive if he has the imagination and heart. In return you are impowered by a gift of body mind and soul.



catize -> RE: Motivations of a Submissive! (3/18/2007 1:15:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sonny2000

No Master has any power other then to fullfill the needs of a submissive if he has the imagination and heart. In return you are impowered by a gift of body mind and soul.


 
Perhaps I am a bit obtuse today as I am not clear what you are saying here.  Would you clarify your point?  Thank-you.



gypsygrl -> RE: Motivations of a Submissive! (3/18/2007 2:04:16 PM)

My motivation for identifying as a submissive in the context of bd/sm is to find someone who is comfortable with my submitting to them and comfortable for the rather odd way I have of forming relationships.  I get a lot out of submitting, but I can't say its something that's 'motivated.'  It just kind of happens, often when I've near giving up on trying.





lateralist1 -> RE: Motivations of a Submissive! (3/18/2007 2:04:58 PM)

Thankyou all for the insight this post has given me.
Especially the comment that it is good for the relationship.
As a dominant woman I know I can't have a completely satisfying relationship with someone who isn't submissive to me.
To be completetly who I am and to have my partner in life be completely who they are not be nurture but by nature and for us both to be perfectly happy in the relationship is my dream.
Yes I like to give pain. I also like to receive some under my direction.
Yes I like to indulge in kinky sex.
But my primary motivation is to have a relationship where we can both be completely honest.
Be ourselves and love one another because of who we are.
I really dislike pretense.
I don't try and manipulate and I usually know when I am being manipulated.
Not always of course.
I always thought that it is women who are the most manipulative but I'm not sure anymore.
Maybe as women become more able to take on traditional male roles then men are beginning to take on traditional female roles.
'You don't get sex unless I get a new dress' could turn into you don't get sex until I get my new boy's toy.
What do you think?




WhiplashSmile -> RE: Motivations of a Submissive! (3/18/2007 2:20:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1

Thankyou all for the insight this post has given me.
Especially the comment that it is good for the relationship.
As a dominant woman I know I can't have a completely satisfying relationship with someone who isn't submissive to me.
To be completetly who I am and to have my partner in life be completely who they are not be nurture but by nature and for us both to be perfectly happy in the relationship is my dream.
Yes I like to give pain. I also like to receive some under my direction.
Yes I like to indulge in kinky sex.
But my primary motivation is to have a relationship where we can both be completely honest.
Be ourselves and love one another because of who we are.
I really dislike pretense.
I don't try and manipulate and I usually know when I am being manipulated.
Not always of course.
I always thought that it is women who are the most manipulative but I'm not sure anymore.
Maybe as women become more able to take on traditional male roles then men are beginning to take on traditional female roles.
'You don't get sex unless I get a new dress' could turn into you don't get sex until I get my new boy's toy.
What do you think?


Wow, I'm going to add some more comments now.  I had a wonderful relationship with another Domme, without any submission involved.  Intense play as well, this seems to work with both a SadoMaso types.  Where you love to both give and recieve pain.  Instead of submission the practice of Deferment is used.  There is trust involved.  Actually this relationship probally have the least of amount of manipulation attempts out of them all.  I actually can't even think of a single good example at a true manipulation attempt.  We would have what appeared to be arguments at times, but they were not.  I have made a number of posts on this in various threads.  Have you considered a Dom Domme type relationship.  This may be more what you are looking for?  I kinda picked up on a few things in the message you just posted.



GeekyGirl -> RE: Motivations of a Submissive! (3/18/2007 2:25:43 PM)

I think I am highly motivated by the need for attention.

I have found that in D/s relationships, I generally recieve more attention overall from my partner because he is seeing to ALL my needs. By controlling my life, he is giving me attention (attention to the 101 things I need his input on every day.) By pleasing him, I earn more of his attention. By serving him, I earn more of his attention.

And it makes me feel good to know that there is a person who cares about me enough to take responsibility for my whole entire life.

Now, is that a selfish motivation? Perhaps. But I think most of us are inherently selfish creatures. I do enjoy pleasing him and serving him...but if he gave me no attention in return, I'd be done with him. It has to be reciprocal (I'm not going to give everything and get nothing in return.) I feel that by giving a person everything I have, I can earn everything he has in return.

Not sure if that makes sense, but hopefully you get what I'm saying.

And as others mentioned, I am also driven by the need to have my sexual desires fulfilled. Doing what he tells me to is a sexual turn on, even when the order is not sexual in nature. If I was not getting a sexual thrill from serving him, I would lose interest as D/s is inherently tied to sex for me.

I was in a relationship where I was expected to obey and serve but recieved no kinky sex in return. I was unhappy and eventually ended the relationship, so I have figured out that wanting to please in and of itself is not a motivator for me.

ETA: I also fall into that category of having to be dominant in my profession and enjoying being able to come home to an environment where I don't have to make decisions.



Celeste43 -> RE: Motivations of a Submissive! (3/18/2007 2:40:43 PM)

Service
Obedience
Emotional transparency



Llyren -> RE: Motivations of a Submissive! (3/18/2007 2:48:32 PM)

I have to agree with Aileen.  For me it all ties in with sexuality.  I can't believe it's as simple as a need to serve, otherwise it would fulfill that need to be a housekeeper in exchange for room and board someplace where all you were expected to do was to tend to the needs of a household.  Heck, if you get a job as a nanny in the Chicago suburbs, you can have that 24/7, plus a laughably small paycheck and verbal abuse! 

The thought of being submissive does something to me deep inside.  It's an almost primal sexual response.  I want to serve, and  I want to be controlled, but if sex isn't involved, it's not going to happen.

[sm=preen.gif]





WhiplashSmile -> RE: Motivations of a Submissive! (3/18/2007 2:50:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl
I think I am highly motivated by the need for attention.

I think everybody wants or desires attention at times, so this sounds reasonable. I tend to be very cautious with this one.  Because there are things I do for myself and enjoy.  This has been a big problem for the super hungry attention types.  I enjoy playing music out in a band.  Yes, some really stupid issues can arise, even more so when faced with female attention from the audience.  Was not a good mix, and difficult to deal with at times.
quote:


By pleasing him, I earn more of his attention. By serving him, I earn more of his attention.

A little hard when dealing with jealously issues.  Where the sub/slaves jealous behavior is actually bringing displeasure.  I'm not trying to say you are this way or not.  I'm just making comments based on my past experiences.

quote:


And it makes me feel good to know that there is a person who cares about me enough to take responsibility for my whole entire life.

This gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling as well, knowing that I'm taking care of somebody I care about.

quote:


Now, is that a selfish motivation? Perhaps. But I think most of us are inherently selfish creatures. I do enjoy pleasing him and serving him...but if he gave me no attention in return, I'd be done with him. It has to be reciprocal (I'm not going to give everything and get nothing in return.) I feel that by giving a person everything I have, I can earn everything he has in return.

Nearly everybody has a selfish motivation for something.  That's why they call it a NEED instead of a WANT.  because without it, you are not satisfied one damn bit, and the relationship ends. 

quote:


Not sure if that makes sense, but hopefully you get what I'm saying.

I find it makes sense..

quote:


And as others mentioned, I am also driven by the need to have my sexual desires fulfilled. Doing what he tells me to is a sexual turn on, even when the order is not sexual in nature. If I was not getting a sexual thrill from serving him, I would lose interest as D/s is inherently tied to sex for me.

Same works for me, If I'm not having my own sexual desires and needs fulfilled, then I could care less about trying to Dom them. 

quote:


I was in a relationship where I was expected to obey and serve but recieved no kinky sex in return. I was unhappy and eventually ended the relationship, so I have figured out that wanting to please in and of itself is not a motivator for me.

Again same here!  I'm not looking for Maid Service.  I can find that in the yellow pages, pay for it, be done with it. 

quote:


ETA: I also fall into that category of having to be dominant in my profession and enjoying being able to come home to an environment where I don't have to make decisions.

LOL... I actually think this is more of the norm now, or is becoming the norm for subs in general. 



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