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seeking others opinions - 3/15/2007 12:41:17 AM

LeatherDragon

Posts: 9
Joined: 2/9/2007
Status: offline

I'd like to have some input about when to call it quits with a submissive. My sub and I were together for 5 years. It was a long distance relationhip but we did get together ever few months. We had many good times over the years and loved one another. Then I was hit by a car while riding my motorcycle and wasn't able to play or have sex. My sub did her best to take care of me, but due to the intense pain I was in, I wasn't my normal self. We grew more distant over the course of a few months, and it seemed that no matter how we tried, things when from bad to worse. Then one night I was on collar me and saw that she was owned and collared by someone else. That's how I found out that she had someone new. What I'm looking for is your opinion on that. I feel that she should have told me that she was seeing this person for 2 months before I saw that in her profile. All the while, she was still e mailing me telling me that she missed playing with me but she couldn't get over the fact that I wasn't the best person during the healing process. I did try my best to say I was sorry and that I loved and wanted her, but to know avail. What do you think?

Post #: 1

RE: seeking others opinions - 3/15/2007 12:51:16 AM

wandersalone

Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline

I am not sure if you will receive any black or white answers to your question and having people agree or disagree with how the situation was handled will not actually change it- it does sound like she has moved on. Focus on your health and recovery and meeting someone who likes the person you are now, not someone who wants the person you were. I wish you all the best.

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(in reply to LeatherDragon)

Post #: 2

RE: seeking others opinions - 3/15/2007 12:51:30 AM

LadyAyla7053

Posts: 52
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LeatherDragon

I'd like to have some input about when to call it quits with a submissive. My sub and I were together for 5 years. It was a long distance relationhip but we did get together ever few months. We had many good times over the years and loved one another. Then I was hit by a car while riding my motorcycle and wasn't able to play or have sex. My sub did her best to take care of me, but due to the intense pain I was in, I wasn't my normal self. We grew more distant over the course of a few months, and it seemed that no matter how we tried, things when from bad to worse. Then one night I was on collar me and saw that she was owned and collared by someone else. That's how I found out that she had someone new. What I'm looking for is your opinion on that. I feel that she should have told me that she was seeing this person for 2 months before I saw that in her profile. All the while, she was still e mailing me telling me that she missed playing with me but she couldn't get over the fact that I wasn't the best person during the healing process. I did try my best to say I was sorry and that I loved and wanted her, but to know avail. What do you think?

First let me say that I am sorry about the pain both physically, mentally and emotionally you have gone through. Personally I think she was looking for a reason to find another person. Simply by what you said about you being on collarme one night and saw that she not only had a profile on here but was owned and collared and it didn't say that she was yours. To me that is wrong. What she should have done was come to you whether it be in person or at the very least through email and ask to be released. What she did was wrong, plain and simple. There was no communication on her part and as we know communication is the key to everything. As for you saying that you were sorry. There was no reason for you to apologize for being in an accident. That is why they are called accidents. I wish you the best in everything.

Lady Ayla

(in reply to LeatherDragon)

Post #: 3

RE: seeking others opinions - 3/15/2007 1:01:03 AM

LeatherDragon

Posts: 9
Joined: 2/9/2007
Status: offline

Thank you for you input. I do appreciate it. I'm still in the healing process ( going on 7 months now) and now besides the physical pain I have the emotional pain to deal with. I'm a very strong person and I know that I will heal from both of these setbacks. Keep on keeping on.... I just doing like being kicked when I'm down is all.

(in reply to LadyAyla7053)

Post #: 4

RE: seeking others opinions - 3/15/2007 1:03:14 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

I am sorry to hear this happened to you. Were you two still trying to work things out when this happened? (I'm not sure from your post if you were together and things were rocky or if you'd called it quits.) If so, you deserved to know that she was looking before she started. If you were already separated, she may have just wished to spare your feelings or even keep you in the wings in case the relationship with the new dom didn't work out. She only owed you a heads up if you were still "together."

However, I do find it a bit shallow that she was unable to forgive what happened during your healing process. After five years, she had a good idea of your personality and who you were. Pain and recovery is hard to deal with at the best of times. You can not expect a person to have the same disposition as when they are healthy. Once you recovered from the accident and were back to your old self, it seems odd to me that she still wished to punish you for what took place when you were injured. In any case, while emotionally painful for you, it seems that adversity brought out her true colors. Good luck with your search.

BTW, your choice of colors on your profile made it hard for me to read.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
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(in reply to LeatherDragon)

Post #: 5

RE: seeking others opinions - 3/15/2007 1:12:31 AM

LeatherDragon

Posts: 9
Joined: 2/9/2007
Status: offline

Yes, we were still together when the accident happened. We were just beginning our 2 week vacation together. As far as I knew things were going great for us.

I know about my profile but I can't seem to fix that so people can read it better. Any suggestions of how to fix that?

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 6

RE: seeking others opinions - 3/15/2007 1:23:11 AM

luvdaoneurwith

Posts: 1
Joined: 3/31/2004
Status: offline

if the two of you had an agreed monogamous relationship then she should have ended it with you before she moved on. it has nothing to do with your accident or physical condition. she pretty much figured she could have you both as long she could keep you seperate. you are the winner in this situation...better to find out now. also, if her new dominant knew she already had someone she served and he collared her before she had told you then he is a loser too. these sound like lifestyle rules but they are just the way you behave in a relationship.

(in reply to LeatherDragon)

Post #: 7

RE: seeking others opinions - 3/15/2007 1:32:48 AM

LeatherDragon

Posts: 9
Joined: 2/9/2007
Status: offline

from what she told me, he did know about me the whole 2 months before I found out. I agree they both deserve each other. I do wish her the best though. I did love her and want her to be happy whom ever she's with now. She told me that I created a desire in her for pain and bondage. She said that she wasn't getting it from me at that time, she was only full filling that desire anyway she could. I feel she could have waited until I was well enough to play again. Then maybe your right, she was looking for someone way before I got hurt.

(in reply to luvdaoneurwith)

Post #: 8

RE: seeking others opinions - 3/15/2007 1:34:58 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LeatherDragon

I know about my profile but I can't seem to fix that so people can read it better. Any suggestions of how to fix that?

I would say what happened is that the background color on your text got set to red and your profile text area got set to green. I know there used to be an option that let you do this specifically, but don't see it anymore. I'm not sure if I'm looking in the wrong place or if it is gone. A quick fix for it until you can figure out where the setting is, may be to turn your text white. White should be readable on the red.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to LeatherDragon)

Post #: 9

RE: seeking others opinions - 3/15/2007 1:39:12 AM

LeatherDragon

Posts: 9
Joined: 2/9/2007
Status: offline

I just deleted it and rewrote another one. It is much better now. thanks for your help.

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 10

RE: seeking others opinions - 3/15/2007 1:48:34 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LeatherDragon

She said that she wasn't getting it from me at that time, she was only full filling that desire anyway she could..

I run into this type of "sub" all the time. They're not really looking to serve but to get their needs met. That is fine, as long as they identify themselves as such so that people don't get blindsided when something like this happens. It doesn't sound like she had made her position clear however.

As for her having to get her itch scratched when you are unable to do so due to your accident.. It is like someone taking another lover because their significant other is out of the country with the military. Anyone who can not control themselves when their significant other is not available due to no fault of the SO's doesn't rate very high on my scale of worthwhile people.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to LeatherDragon)

Post #: 11

RE: seeking others opinions - 3/15/2007 1:59:54 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

i'm sorry you've had to endure the physical and emotional pains you are experiencing. i respect You for the grace You are showing during this situation with your submissive. my opinion is that she did a very bad thing to not be honest about her seeking another. To me, being honest is really the most important thing. Not just in D/s M/s relationships but in all aspects of life. Honesty is the best way to make life less complicated and more peaceful.

That being said, it would be hard for me to imagine that after 5 years together, the accident and any complications from the accident being the sole reason she moved on. And if it were the sole reason, it shows a shallowness of character that i'm surprised didn't reveal itself somewhere over the course of those 5 years. my opinion only but i would not want to be in a relationship where i saw my beloved only a few times a year and after a year or two of that i would want it to develop into 24/7. Please don't misunderstand, if that dynamic worked for You then who am i to judge, but i tend to think that while it looked like it was working on the surface, in retrospect, it was not working for her.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to LeatherDragon)

Post #: 12

RE: seeking others opinions - 3/15/2007 2:23:52 AM

LeatherDragon

Posts: 9
Joined: 2/9/2007
Status: offline

Like any relationship, we did have our ups and downs. There were many good times though. I had asked her to marry me. She said yes. She wore my ring. The reason we never moved in together was that she owns her home and so do I. We planned on both selling them when I retire in a year and moving south together. We made plans. Had hopes and dreams of that life. We did talk many times about moving in together, but decided that it wouldn't be the best due to the fact that I wouldn't be here all that much longer. We talked on the phone at least 2 to 3 times a day when we couldn't be together. She would come here and I would go there to be with her. We both knew that it being long distance, it wouldn't be easy, but we did make it work for us during the time we were together. We didn't enter into it wearing blinders. We knew each other for 3 years before getting together. Plenty of time to get to know one another. We both loved playing and did it as often as we could when we were together. I will miss her and still wish her the best. I just wish that she could have had that with me. Oh well... I know in my heart that there is someone out there that will love and appreciate what I have to give. Given time.. I will find her.

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 13

RE: seeking others opinions - 3/15/2007 5:30:30 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Some people who suffer from chronic pain can separate themselves from the pain, others do appear to change personalities and take out their anger and frustration on their closest intimates. A comparison here is to men who lose their jobs and begin drinking excessively and become abusive towards their family. Yet they complain about the wife ending things while he's unemployed ignoring the fact that it wasn't the unemployment but the changes in behavior that caused the ending of the relationship.

You admit that things went from bad to worse because of the pain you've been in. Not because you weren't able to play but because of your way of relating to her. Did she handle it very well? By no means. Should she have been obliged to stay in the relationship forever, not knowing if she would ever again be something other than a whipping boy to you? By no means.

However she should have told you that she needed to be with someone who could be supportive of her also and not let you learn the way you did.

Good luck with your healing.

(in reply to LeatherDragon)

Post #: 14

RE: seeking others opinions - 3/15/2007 7:06:33 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I like what Celeste said.

She should have been able to be up front with you that the relationship wasn't fulfilling for her and that it needed to end. This is a good thread to point out next time someone tries to say that kinky people are better at communicating and working through relationship issues.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 15

RE: seeking others opinions - 3/15/2007 7:16:07 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Should she have told you? Of course.

Why didn't she?

It may be that she felt it was your duty as the dominant to make that decision.

It may be that she felt the relationship had all ready ended because it was slowly dying.

It may be that she was just afraid of saying "bye".

It may be that she was concerned about hurting your feelings in the short term and didn't consider the long term.

Honestly the only person who can answer the why is her.

It is always sad when we are let down or we let ourselves down.

I do hope you are seeking treatment though for you pain, both the physical and the emotional.

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(in reply to LeatherDragon)

Post #: 16

RE: seeking others opinions - 3/15/2007 7:38:01 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

She should have been up front with you. Period. She may have been afraid of hurting your feelings; she may have felt telling you when you were down was cruel; whatever, they are just excuses. She didn't have the moral courage to be honest with you. She took the easy way out for her.

This is hardly exclusive to the BDSM world; it goes on every day between vanilla couples.

You sound like the kind of person who can overcome both your physical and emotional hurts. Just make sure you give yourself the time to do so; don't try to rush it. You will know when you are ready to jump back in the saddle again. Best of luck to you.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to LeatherDragon)

Post #: 17

RE: seeking others opinions - 3/15/2007 7:43:00 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Ok, my opinions:

1) There was a lack of communication going on. This is extremely important and when that breaks down, its really hard to make it work. It does bring about the question of how much communication was going on in the first place.
2) Why she did this is all based on her stuff and has no real bearing on you or your self worth.
3) Most likely, she realized that what she found important in the relationship seemed very shallow (i.e. she was with you for the great sex) and she was embarrassed and ashamed to admit it, so she said nothing.
4) A lot of people, especially women, simply aren't emotionally equipt to end one relationship before they begin a new one. They need that security. This isn't a positive thing, in my opinion, but it happens all the time.
5) Holding on to someone who wants to leave is like holding onto water. You simply cannot make them stay. Just because you love her isn't a valid enough reason to make that happen, as crappy as it is. Believe me, I truly understand who much this one hurts.

It takes two people to make a relationship work. If she is no longer willing to work at it, there's nothing you can do to make it work. You will have to mourn the loss and move on. It's hard, I know. I hate that you're in this situation.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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(in reply to LeatherDragon)

Post #: 18

RE: seeking others opinions - 3/15/2007 10:25:54 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I am very sorry to hear of this difficult time that you have gone through, physically and emotionally. My best wishes to you in your progress of recovery.

IMHO, it is only right to ask for release prior to beginning to look for another. I understand that distance and other circumstances would have made this difficult, but I still think it is the way two people in a committed relationship should conduct themselves. I'm not bashing the one who used to be your submissive, as I'm sure it was a difficult time for her as well, but I would think that, after five years of a relationship that should have been based on trust, she would have come to you first.

Please accept My hopes for your continued progress and happiness in the future.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 19

RE: seeking others opinions - 3/15/2007 12:23:03 PM

Darkhaven80

Posts: 76
Joined: 3/12/2007
Status: offline

If she's with someone else now and didn't even tell you, it's definately time to move on. It's hard to let a relationship go but, after this, I doubt it will improve.

(in reply to LeatherDragon)

Post #: 20

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