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Insecurity - 3/14/2007 5:54:04 AM

Dnomyar

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As usual this is from another post. Insecurity. It seems that we see a lot of it on some of these post. If you had it what did you do to overcome it?

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RE: Insecurity - 3/14/2007 5:58:33 AM

Vendaval

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All people suffer through their own insecurities.
If they tell you otherwise, they are either delusional or lying.

Some folks try individual or group therapy. Some learn new
skills, like taking speech classes to overcome fear of public
speaking. Some take time to be introspective and come to
better self-understanding. Others rely on feedback from
their friends and family. Sometimes simply accepting
yourself, warts and all, is the best method.

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
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RE: Insecurity - 3/14/2007 6:07:21 AM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
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Maturing, a good therapist, communication, and more maturing.

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You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

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RE: Insecurity - 3/14/2007 6:19:59 AM

Driver1961

Posts: 459
Joined: 9/8/2005
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He dips His lid to all;

I concur with Vendaval & Slaveish and add..........

Find a full length mirror- lay it on the ground, lay beside it naked, spend time there studying yourself attempting to see yourself as others do. (not easy) reflect and ask friends to counsel your refelctions, reflect some more then act, and continue the reflection, acceptance of others views and actioning to further educate yourself throughout your life.

Smiles to all.

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Dance as though nobody is watching!

(in reply to slaveish)

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RE: Insecurity - 3/14/2007 6:30:13 AM

Dnomyar

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Im not a big fan of therapist. I know a lot of people who use them and think it is a waste of money. Insecurities are built in all of us. Is is another type of fear of the unknown. I think you have to challenge your insecurities. You do it with life so it is doable.

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RE: Insecurity - 3/14/2007 6:48:01 AM

Devilslilsister

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i try to be aware and accept them, making room for them in my life.

If i have X insecurity, i realise it, i study it, i analyze where it comes from... sometime i self talk about it.

i try to lay them out in the open

At times i notify others, if they'll come into play in a situation

i try to mentally prepare myself, if they'll come into play in a situation

i buck up and meet the challenge of not letting them over ride me.

i work to manuever around them

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RE: Insecurity - 3/14/2007 7:05:03 AM

moki1984

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many insecure people turn to bdsm for the wrong reasons......
I think one major thing with insecurities is as you age and experience life on a grander scale..you start to make more realizations and prioritize differently and usually some of those insecurities become petty and mean shit to you. ..of course some are more serious and that is a matter of self awareness and conquering them, but that is easier said than done. Every insecurity is distinct in how it affects its "owner" and sometimes the oddest forms of therapy work...i used to be insecure about my body like many women. my husband hated it....he would always tell me to strip and if i hestitated or seemed to feel shy he would not give me sex!!!!!! lol. after awhile I got more comfortable with it and now I'll walk around naked and not care. 8shrugs* to each their own

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RE: Insecurity - 3/14/2007 7:23:31 AM

Eruditegirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

As usual this is from another post. Insecurity. It seems that we see a lot of it on some of these post. If you had it what did you do to overcome it?

For me my insecurities stemed from not knowing who I was or what I was capable of....I had always been "a wife"..."a mother"..."a daughter"...etc..etc....and I was secure in the before mentioned titles....but after my divorce (17 years now)...I had no self confidence in "Tricia"....so I took 4 years and just explored who I was....it was the best investment of time I have ever taken....it's not that I came to be who I am today in just four years....it has been a gradual awakening....everyday I become more secure in some aspects but in others I am still insecure....time...positive attitude... and understanding that feelings be it insecurities...fear....or confidence are all part of life...it's how you deal with them and try embrace them that help you to overcome them in time....

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RE: Insecurity - 3/14/2007 7:40:18 AM

gypsygrl

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From: new york state
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I try to accept my insecurities, though this hasn't been the case. My insecurities are there for a reason, and I tend to pay attention to them. I don't see them as something to be overcome. I see them as something to accept and work with.

The way I've come to see it, the feeling of insecurity alerts us to our vulnerabilities and weaknesses. No one is a pargon of perfect strength and all of us have some reason to be insecure. Sometimes, our weaknesses are rooted in long past hurts that we can work on healing or we can just accept for what they are. Other times, they are just part of what it means to be human in a specific culture. We're all mortal and when we feel physically threatened it makes us feel insecure. We all need some income to survive, so economic vulernability is another commonsource of insecurity even for the wealthy.

Its tempting, at least for me, to put up a front and hide my insecurity so as to protect myself. I have this fear that if I make any display of weakness, it will be targeted. In some instances, this 'never let 'em see ya sweat' facade has survival value. But in other cases it can prevent me from making deeper connections because connecting means letting people see past the facade. Basically, what I have to work at is overcoming this fear and just let myself be insecure.

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“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin

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RE: Insecurity - 3/14/2007 7:42:09 AM

MasterFireMaam

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For me, most of my insecurity is generated by fear. Ok, so I believe that ALL negative emotion is generated by fear. So, I go and look at why I'm afraid. Usually, its due to some lack in my feelings of self-worth. I then work on that and try to transform fear into love. Here's a website that is handy:
http://members.optusnet.com.au/~acceptance/YourPurposeWeb/TransformFeartoLove.htm

Master Fire

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RE: Insecurity - 3/14/2007 9:07:57 AM

SimplyMichael

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Oh god I used to be SO insecure socially and about some other things. I never thought myself handsome because all my friends were able to pick up girls and I couldn't. Years later I realized I dated women who were interesting and intelligent as well as attractive and so they must see some of that in me and while I didn't decide I was handsome I simply set the issue aside. In discovering BDSM I realized that I was handsome in an evil bastard sort of way.

I am currently insecure about my life and a bit defensive as being 40 and living with mom is a bit brutal on the male ego. When I have to say something about it I always have to make it clear I have owned my own house, had a real career and gave it all up and sold the house to go back to school full time and have the freedom to do anything I wanted. Having to say that is a bit of insecurity.

In the scene I have a few insecurities. When I first started out I got nicknamed a "fluffy" dom meaning I didn't play all that hard. I don't quite think it was deserved but what the hell. I am much more of a sadist now but how much of that is a reaction I don't know but I am sure some of it is. I have also realized that much of my play is internal and invisible to anyone outside the scene and especially to those who don't get that sort of play so fuck em!

My technical skills suck in many ways as my ex and I had mainly a power exchange relationship as she was a domme and doing the normal bdsm play just didn't happen as often as I prefer my partners to get excited by it and so I seldom had any energy to feed off of. I reconcile that with my knowledge that my skills with reading emotion and seeing peoples triggers makes anything I do more intense but when I go down to San Francisco soon, you can bet there will be butterflies swirling around inside me as people I haven't seen in years pass judgement. I am secure enough to deal with it but not enough to ignore it completely.

Someone dismissed therapy and while I agree a shitty therapist is useless a good one can work miracles. I have learned a great deal in therapy. As an aside most of the best therapists are in SF and are used to working with people by phone so if you are in some backwater, just call them up.

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RE: Insecurity - 3/14/2007 9:32:28 AM

velvetears

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Insecurities don't always have to be a negative - they can point us in the direction we need to improve ourselves. i think they can be a real problem if there are so many we find it hard to function day to day. If that were the case i would seek help ie: therapy.... or drink a lot

(j/k), but many do just for that reason.

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RE: Insecurity - 3/14/2007 10:14:34 AM

MsKatHouston

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From: Houston, TX
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Everyone has insecurities at one time or another. Recognizing them for what they are is one of the first steps. Then, analyzing the steps needed to remove it as an insecurity. It could be changes in routine, positive changes in thinking, learning a skill, practicing, therapy, etc.

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~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

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RE: Insecurity - 3/14/2007 10:33:51 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

As usual this is from another post. Insecurity. It seems that we see a lot of it on some of these post. If you had it what did you do to overcome it?

I came to the realization that everyone has them, I am no different. More importantly I understand that ALL of life is a learning experience. Just because I am 44almost45, does not mean I know everything I can possibly learn. I think the best thing for me has been finding that balance of accepting myself as I am while still always striving to grow and learn.

In addition to emphasis what MasterFire said, it's all fear driven. The key is to try and understand exactly what is behind the fear. What are we so bloody afraid of? Sometimes it makes sense and the awareness is all you need. Sometimes your better off to try and overcome that fear. It all depends on the individual and the individual issue.

A brief funny story. Way back when I was a sexy young thang, I was so damned insecure and shy. I had body issues that were just rediculous. I look back at the old photos and thing "omg I had a smoking hot bod!!!" Obviously 20 years changes a few things. BUT, I am more confident about my body now than I was 20 years ago!

I think one of the worst things we do as human beings is constantly compare ourselves to others, critisizing outwardly the others but also innerly ourselves. All because of our insecurities. We use a constantly shifting gauge to measure our own self worth when instead we need to just concentrate on being our best US and let everyone else worry about their own inssues. If we are really cool we stop critisizing both, actually find some peace within ourselves and allow that to reflect back to everyone else. Maybe in some small way helping them rather than tearing them down further.

.......gawd, are ya gagging yet??

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Insecurity - 3/14/2007 10:44:19 AM

stockingluvr54

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Yeppers....I got em too! Not sure what to do about them either but at least I'm aware of them and freely admit to them so that's a start....

Good thread....!!!!!

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RE: Insecurity - 3/14/2007 11:12:25 AM

FukinTroll

Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Oh god I used to be SO insecure socially and about some other things. I never thought myself handsome because all my friends were able to pick up girls and I couldn't. Years later I realized I dated women who were interesting and intelligent as well as attractive and so they must see some of that in me and while I didn't decide I was handsome I simply set the issue aside. In discovering BDSM I realized that I was handsome in an evil bastard sort of way.

I am currently insecure about my life and a bit defensive as being 40 and living with mom is a bit brutal on the male ego. When I have to say something about it I always have to make it clear I have owned my own house, had a real career and gave it all up and sold the house to go back to school full time and have the freedom to do anything I wanted. Having to say that is a bit of insecurity.

In the scene I have a few insecurities. When I first started out I got nicknamed a "fluffy" dom meaning I didn't play all that hard. I don't quite think it was deserved but what the hell. I am much more of a sadist now but how much of that is a reaction I don't know but I am sure some of it is. I have also realized that much of my play is internal and invisible to anyone outside the scene and especially to those who don't get that sort of play so fuck em!

My technical skills suck in many ways as my ex and I had mainly a power exchange relationship as she was a domme and doing the normal bdsm play just didn't happen as often as I prefer my partners to get excited by it and so I seldom had any energy to feed off of. I reconcile that with my knowledge that my skills with reading emotion and seeing peoples triggers makes anything I do more intense but when I go down to San Francisco soon, you can bet there will be butterflies swirling around inside me as people I haven't seen in years pass judgement. I am secure enough to deal with it but not enough to ignore it completely.

Someone dismissed therapy and while I agree a shitty therapist is useless a good one can work miracles. I have learned a great deal in therapy. As an aside most of the best therapists are in SF and are used to working with people by phone so if you are in some backwater, just call them up.

Wow Michael, I think after stripping yourself naked here, SF will be no problem.

Good post.

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RE: Insecurity - 3/14/2007 1:05:03 PM

patina

Posts: 493
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I have noticed that among those of us (i am including myself here now) that seem to post the most often on these forum. We all seem to have a lot of the same sort of componets to our character make up. A lot of us also have some kind of disorder: Bi Polar -- Uni Polar ADHD -- BPD --Anxiety -- or GD, and too a lot of us either because of those disorders
or due to family members with those disorders we still have a lot of insecurities.

We all seem to have gravitated to the life of BDSM as a safety zone. I know i see it as a place that accepts me both for my disorders and my submissive desires. I hid my disorders until i found out no one cared about them. I hid my insecurities until i realized a lot of others had them too and freely admitted it. I think that is the major thing here on this site, we accept each other for what they are in all of their ways. This is not a revelation on my part i have known this for a long time i just never felt good about expressing it before. I had myself never felt accepted into this community if you will until now. I hope i have not overstepped
any bounds.I think i have mentioned my insecurities enough too, so without more i will say thank you all for allowing me in.

patina

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RE: Insecurity - 3/14/2007 1:14:43 PM

GeekyGirl

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I'm a basketful of insecurities.

I try to accept them and make sure the people in my life know about them. I work on in improving them in whatever ways I can.

I tried therapy. I wasn't impressed. It didn't encourage me to change. The therapist's idea was, "You have depression problems, you have anxiety problems, you have aspergers syndrome, you have abandonement issues, and you're smarter than everyone around you and this is why you are super insecure and don't get along with human beings. It's not your fault!"

What a load of utter b.s. Blaming my personality problems on a long line of disorders that didn't exist a 100yrs ago isn't going to help me any.

The truth of the matter is that I don't have enough confidence in ME and I need to work on that and not make excuses for it.

_____________________________

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."

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RE: Insecurity - 3/14/2007 1:34:35 PM

mynded

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Wow, GeekyGirl, I hadn't noticed any insecurities in you. I hadn't noticed any in several of Yyou. Guess this is a good place to hang out with like-mynded people. You Aall seem so at home here.

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RE: Insecurity - 3/14/2007 1:36:10 PM

Darkhaven80

Posts: 76
Joined: 3/12/2007
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Ugh insecurity is my biggest obstacle in the lifestyle, one thing holding me back. It's a weird coincidence that before I saw this post I chatted to a sweet woman on these boards about this very issue. I'll be devouring advice anyone leaves.

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