Is a relationship with ONLY sexual domination something that can be reasonably expected? (Full Version)

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imryel -> Is a relationship with ONLY sexual domination something that can be reasonably expected? (2/27/2007 5:14:40 PM)

I am new to this site, and am still quite inexperienced with BDSM in general.  I have been browsing the message boards quite a bit.  One thing I noticed was that almost all relationships Ive seen discussed involve full, or at least some, control of the sub's life outside of just scenes.  I have noticed that many doms expect their subs to comply completely to their wishes not just in scenes, but as far as the total relationship, including how they are to act socially and what they are to do with their lives.  Most doms seem to want complete control of the relationship in every way, including financial descions and the like.

What I am now wondering is just how uncommon it is for a relationship to exist where the sub only is submissive in scenes.  Where, apart from the scenes, they are equal in the relationship and equal as far as descision making, such as in a vanilla relationship.

I understand completely that a lot of subs are thrilled at a relationship with full control, and yet, I know that I could be completely controllable and obediant during scenes, but I almost positive that complete control in a relationship would just not work for me. 

Is a situation where the submission stays inside scenes something that the majority of doms do not want, and are not willing to accept?  Is it simply expected by most people in the community that the dom should have the control in the relationship?  Is this situation something that is just extremely hard to come by and simply isnt viable?

Like I said, I am rather new to BDSM, and apart from what I have read on message boards such as these, I really do not know all that much about how these relationships generally work.  Please excuse me if I have made any generalizations that aren't true.  If anyone could help me out with these questions, as well as give any advice to me about this, it would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you.



  



hisannabelle -> RE: Is sexual domination ONLY something that can be found? (2/27/2007 5:16:04 PM)

sure, this happens a lot. many people involved in bdsm are only bottoms or tops - people who scene for fun and pleasure - or "bedroom kink" submissives/dominants. there are plenty of people who like 24/7 domination and submission, plenty of people who like bedroom kink, and a hell of a lot of people who fall somewhere in between.



losttreasure -> RE: Is a relationship with ONLY sexual domination something that can be reasonably expected? (2/27/2007 5:19:01 PM)

imryel, there is just about every possible configuration of relationships here.  As LuckyAlbatross would say, if someone thinks of it, you can bet someone enjoys it.  (Or something like that.  Sorry, LA, if I've mangled what you would say.  [:)])

Just remember... there are no rules.  Decide what it is that you want, and look for that.  You'll find plenty who feel the same way.

Best wishes,

Treasure



AquaticSub -> RE: Is a relationship with ONLY sexual domination something that can be reasonably expected? (2/27/2007 5:21:51 PM)

Sure. It just means you are a bedroom sub. Personally, I would advise putting that on your profile lest some of the ruder lifestyle dominants take to calling you nasty names once they find out you aren't interested in being controlled outside of the bedroom.

I feel that BDSM can be both a lifestyle and just something fun to do in the bedroom. Also, keep your mind open. When I was first introduced to BDSM I wouldn't have ever thought that I would enjoy being controlled outside of the bedroom. There are also certain areas where Valyraen does not exert control - he wouldn't dream of ordering me to change a painting or some other artistic work. He might tell me to make one for him, but he wouldn't disrupt my creative flows.



BeachMystress -> RE: Is a relationship with ONLY sexual domination something that can be reasonably expected? (2/27/2007 5:24:54 PM)

 While this is a reasonable expectation, you need to make your position/desires very clear up front. Many times problems arise when one partner or the other expects a more comprehensive control relationship than the other seeks.

There are many people who role play being Dominant or submissive as a bedroom game and then go back to daily life. Unfortunately, those people are often times considered "players" by some of the more serious in the BDSM community. As far as I am concerned, the way you wish to practice is no more or less valid than my living with total control of my sub's life. It is a personal choice. As long as both people in the relationship are happy with the way things are it is no one else's business how you live.



Jasmyn -> RE: Is sexual domination ONLY something that can be found? (2/27/2007 5:26:11 PM)

Don't get too hung up on labels ... if you have submissive desires and wants and wish to scene as the submissive ... you are submissve ... top and bottom are lousy labels for what you seek.



mnottertail -> RE: Is a relationship with ONLY sexual domination something that can be reasonably expected? (2/27/2007 5:29:03 PM)

boundaries, limits, whatever


I ain't the man I was 20 years ago, and you ain't the man you will be 20 years from now.


Life, is like a big river;
sink in or swim;
depends on you;
you can take---
or you can be a giver----
If you got LOVE----
you're gonna get thru---

Bob Seger System



BDSM05478 -> RE: Is a relationship with ONLY sexual domination something that can be reasonably expected? (2/27/2007 5:46:51 PM)

The key is compatiblity and communication, which leads to progression. You will find most, if not all, of us have willing tried something that only a few years earlier was outside the scope of our understanding. There is nothing in wiitwd that could be considered expected, there are far to many concepts, ideas, acts and implements encapsulated in those 4 letters (BDSM). All that said now, if thats all you are seeking I think you will have the easiest time of any submissive I have ever encountered.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Is a relationship with ONLY sexual domination something that can be reasonably expected? (2/27/2007 5:54:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: imryel
What I am now wondering is just how uncommon it is for a relationship to exist where the sub only is submissive in scenes.  Where, apart from the scenes, they are equal in the relationship and equal as far as descision making, such as in a vanilla relationship.


Imryel, trust me, no matter what you hear/see on message boards, this is BY FAR the most common relationship in the bdsm sub-culture.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Is a relationship with ONLY sexual domination something that can be reasonably expected? (2/27/2007 5:56:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: losttreasure
imryel, there is just about every possible configuration of relationships here.  As LuckyAlbatross would say, if someone thinks of it, you can bet someone enjoys it.  (Or something like that.  Sorry, LA, if I've mangled what you would say.  [:)])

Sounds like a great paraphrase to me!



azzmaster -> RE: Is a relationship with ONLY sexual domination something that can be reasonably expected? (2/27/2007 5:57:33 PM)

i would rather just have sexual relationships unless its with someone who REALLY rubs me the right way. then i like to up em to a service submissive as well. for me tho, sex is central. alot of people aren't like that, but i m down with anything but alot of drama



imryel -> RE: Is a relationship with ONLY sexual domination something that can be reasonably expected? (2/27/2007 6:00:42 PM)

Thank you for the responses so far :)  They have made me smile and (sounds weird, I know) feel more content about who I am :D



slaveish -> RE: Is a relationship with ONLY sexual domination something that can be reasonably expected? (2/27/2007 6:04:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

boundaries, limits, whatever


I ain't the man I was 20 years ago, and you ain't the man you will be 20 years from now.


~big grin~ Spoken like a man who ain't 20 years younger. ~big grin~



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Is a relationship with ONLY sexual domination something that can be reasonably expected? (2/27/2007 6:28:21 PM)

There are many play partner relationships and "meet and beats" are quite common. Just head out to you nearest BDSM play group and enjoy.

Master Fire



BDSM05478 -> RE: Is a relationship with ONLY sexual domination something that can be reasonably expected? (2/27/2007 6:31:56 PM)

That just caused me to have a flash back to my single years and my first "meet and beat" was like a kinky debutante ball lol Thanks for triggering a memory!



CreativeDominant -> RE: Is a relationship with ONLY sexual domination something that can be reasonably expected? (2/27/2007 6:37:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: imryel

I am new to this site, and am still quite inexperienced with BDSM in general.  I have been browsing the message boards quite a bit.  One thing I noticed was that almost all relationships Ive seen discussed involve full, or at least some, control of the sub's life outside of just scenes.  I have noticed that many doms expect their subs to comply completely to their wishes not just in scenes, but as far as the total relationship, including how they are to act socially and what they are to do with their lives.  Most doms seem to want complete control of the relationship in every way, including financial descions and the like.

What I am now wondering is just how uncommon it is for a relationship to exist where the sub only is submissive in scenes.  Where, apart from the scenes, they are equal in the relationship and equal as far as descision making, such as in a vanilla relationship.

I understand completely that a lot of subs are thrilled at a relationship with full control, and yet, I know that I could be completely controllable and obediant during scenes, but I almost positive that complete control in a relationship would just not work for me. 

Is a situation where the submission stays inside scenes something that the majority of doms do not want, and are not willing to accept?  Is it simply expected by most people in the community that the dom should have the control in the relationship?  Is this situation something that is just extremely hard to come by and simply isnt viable?

Like I said, I am rather new to BDSM, and apart from what I have read on message boards such as these, I really do not know all that much about how these relationships generally work.  Please excuse me if I have made any generalizations that aren't true.  If anyone could help me out with these questions, as well as give any advice to me about this, it would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you.
 


I'll chime in with the "for every kind of relationship sought by one, there is another out there seeking the same".
I am not into bedroom kink only but neither do I want to control each and every aspect of a submissive's life.  I have too much going on in my business, my relationships with my u.m.s, and in my own personal growth in life to want to have a partner who needs that level of control.  But...I am always dominant and there are aspects outside the bedroom that fall under my control. 

You have to spell out what you want.  Others have noted that you need to be clear in your profile about what you want and I can only add my own agreement to that.  Be clear.  Talk and communicate with other submissives and dominants and learn.  You may find that you like him controlling what time you go to sleep or where you are going to eat or what you are going to cook or you may find that the only control you ever want is in the bedroom...it is an old cliche phrase but...Live and Learn.



MasterGremlin -> RE: Is a relationship with ONLY sexual domination something that can be reasonably expected? (2/27/2007 6:38:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: imryel

I am new to this site, and am still quite inexperienced with BDSM in general.  I have been browsing the message boards quite a bit.  One thing I noticed was that almost all relationships Ive seen discussed involve full, or at least some, control of the sub's life outside of just scenes.  I have noticed that many doms expect their subs to comply completely to their wishes not just in scenes, but as far as the total relationship, including how they are to act socially and what they are to do with their lives.  Most doms seem to want complete control of the relationship in every way, including financial descions and the like.

What I am now wondering is just how uncommon it is for a relationship to exist where the sub only is submissive in scenes.  Where, apart from the scenes, they are equal in the relationship and equal as far as descision making, such as in a vanilla relationship.

I understand completely that a lot of subs are thrilled at a relationship with full control, and yet, I know that I could be completely controllable and obediant during scenes, but I almost positive that complete control in a relationship would just not work for me. 

Is a situation where the submission stays inside scenes something that the majority of doms do not want, and are not willing to accept?  Is it simply expected by most people in the community that the dom should have the control in the relationship?  Is this situation something that is just extremely hard to come by and simply isnt viable?

Like I said, I am rather new to BDSM, and apart from what I have read on message boards such as these, I really do not know all that much about how these relationships generally work.  Please excuse me if I have made any generalizations that aren't true.  If anyone could help me out with these questions, as well as give any advice to me about this, it would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you.



 


First off, I have to say that I have yet to see a vanilla relationship where both parties are "equal".  One or the other always has more say even if  each one has more say in a different area.

That said, there are lots of relationships that are only D/s BDSM in the bedroom.  As far as what to expect, there are as many different types of D/s BDSM relationships as there are D/s BDSM people. 

For myself, I can't have one without the other simply because it is an intrinsic part of my nature.  I don't want to be incharge of anything.  Now, my Master does ask me my opinion on things because many times I have a different perspective that He may not have thought of, but ultimately He has the final say.  This was a decision I made freely along time ago so as far as I am concerned that is my control.  He had to gain my trust and I had to be able to trust Him enough to do what is best for both of U/us.  Not everyone is capable of trusting another to that extent.   

Sincerely,
minxy [:)]



juliaoceania -> RE: Is a relationship with ONLY sexual domination something that can be reasonably expected? (2/27/2007 6:41:11 PM)

Many of the men that emailed me when I was looking wanted a vanilla relationship and BDSM behind closed doors. It was not for me, but I respected what they wanted.. it seemed rather common to be honest....



softcoresicko -> RE: Is a relationship with ONLY sexual domination something that can be reasonably expected? (2/27/2007 6:48:13 PM)

Imryel,

I've asked these same sorts of questions on other forums.  The answer is always the same, I'm happy to say: relationships are only as controlling as the people involved choose to make them.  Look hard enough and you'll find someone to whom you can relate.

On a separate note, I will have to remember the term 'bedroom sub', both because it sounds more appropriate for me (well, make that 'bedroom switch' ;) ), and because it makes me laugh with naughty thoughts.



mp072004 -> RE: Is a relationship with ONLY sexual domination something that can be reasonably expected? (2/27/2007 6:50:47 PM)

Yup, people in serious relationships absolutely do BDSM as an adjunct to sex, without inequal power agreements elsewhere in their relationships. You find power inequality *erotic* and *titillating* and *sexy* but not appealing as a way of running your life.

You would want to distinguish ceding control over sexual dynamics to your partner from doing roleplays and dirty talk in bed that cast you in a submissive role but over which you have just as much say as your partner. The former means that you agree that your partner has authority over your sex life, (implicitly, this means that she doesn't have special authority in other areas), the latter means that you and your partner decide when, where, and how to have sex jointly and equally, and that the way you have sex typically involves you getting held down or "forced" into some action, or whatever submissive activity turns you on. I hope I've explained this clearly.

Eroticizing power is quite common. I get the impression that monogamous people do explicitly inequal-power stuff as an adjunct to sex and don't identify themselves as part of a "BDSM subculture." It's very common for BDSM-identified people to do scenes that involve some inequal power, or fiction of inequal power, for the duration of the scene and not behave submissively toward the person in question between scenes. It is worth saying that in my experience, this happens a lot in more casual relationships--people you play with on a regular basis, but aren't moving anywhere near an altar or a mortgage with--but it certainly happens in others. This may be why it's not very visible online--I don't know.

Monica



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