How do you find out if a new date is kinky or potentially kinky?

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How do you find out if a new date is kinky or potential... - 2/23/2007 4:06:05 PM

PassionChemistry

Posts: 15
Joined: 1/1/2007
Status: offline

I met a very intelligent, sensitive, attractive woman speed dating 10 days ago and we really hit it off (intellectually and spiritually if not on chemistry) when we met up last week. Of course, in addition to all the other dimensions one thinks....is she going to be sexually compatible- i.e kink-compatible.

So, in usual form with a vanilla date, I let out a few tentative jokes about spanking and bondage to test the water....here was the response: "...I was pretty taken aback by your last email... It's way too much information to be sharing when we've just met....I didn't see your email as crude humour. Instead it strikes me as highly inappropriate. So I really just wanted you to know you've made me pretty uncomfortable, which obviously isn't a great basis for meeting up again."

I think that suggests she's not likely to have a home dungeon, is she?

In this case, I think that this was a good outcome because my own gut feeling was that there was little sexual chemistry but, what if there had been?

Any tips for sucessful ways to find out efficiently whether your new date is kinky or potentially kinky without either takingt 6 months or frightening them off too early?

Post #: 1

RE: How do you find out if a new date is kinky or poten... - 2/23/2007 4:11:58 PM

moki1984

Posts: 274
Joined: 2/22/2007
Status: offline

i say just trust your instincts ..you usually know if they are. and maybe bring it up in conversation like "have you ever heard about this or that" and just casually talk..see their remarks

(in reply to PassionChemistry)

Post #: 2

RE: How do you find out if a new date is kinky or poten... - 2/23/2007 4:13:41 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

This is just me, and not necessarily representative of all of the members here.

My personal decision when I decided to become a 'Lifestyler' was to completely divest myself of the vanilla world. I don't look at people in the real world and wonder whether they are kinky. I don't make vanilla dates. I don't even try and meet people through methods other than through some 'scene' connection, such as here.

In the last 16 years I have only had one 'brush' with a vanilla encounter, with someone I already knew, and the evening culminated in light BDSM play. So, the streak was alive.

Do I realize I might be missing out on people I might be attracted to who I could get them to see the wonders of this world? Sure, but that seems too much like work. I'd rather at least know that there's 'something' in common, kink-wise, and build from there.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to PassionChemistry)

Post #: 3

RE: How do you find out if a new date is kinky or poten... - 2/23/2007 4:21:28 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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Actually I suggest you take what she says as the truth- you are too open and forward and go too fast and make people uncomfortable.

You could also try dating people you KNOW are not kinky before you ask them out.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 4

RE: How do you find out if a new date is kinky or poten... - 2/23/2007 4:22:05 PM

MadamTee

Posts: 12
Joined: 9/21/2006
Status: offline

My dear ... patience is always the critical key ... as the example cited indicates ... you provided 'too much.... too soon' ... once you are comfortable with each other, that is usually the time to begin your maneuvering to determine the depth of 'sexual desire' ....

I suppose it is much like the girl you take out and on the first date goes all the way ... it makes you pause and wonder just how 'experienced' is she?

Once that point has been reached here are a few subtle ways to determine interest ....

    ....one, leave an adult book or mag partially in sight, leave the room ... if you see her peeking, well that's a start; if she ignores it, patience is still the watchword ...

   --- two, the dream ploy, tell her that you have been having very, very strange dreams ... and that it's beginning to get to you.   go slowly ... make her ask to tell you about them ... be reluctant ... one reason being that she was part of them ...
       ... you don't want to offend her ... lure her on until you finally tell her that she was tied on a bed ... you were there watching ... but couldn't do anything about it .... {pause to see if she wants more} ... anyway you get the picture ... feed her bits at a time to see how far she is comfortable with it ...

    best of luck ...

(in reply to PassionChemistry)

Post #: 5

RE: How do you find out if a new date is kinky or poten... - 2/23/2007 4:26:00 PM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PassionChemistry

So, in usual form with a vanilla date, I let out a few tentative jokes about spanking and bondage to test the water....here was the response: "...I was pretty taken aback by your last email... It's way too much information to be sharing when we've just met....I didn't see your email as crude humour. Instead it strikes me as highly inappropriate. So I really just wanted you to know you've made me pretty uncomfortable, which obviously isn't a great basis for meeting up again."

I think that suggests she's not likely to have a home dungeon, is she?

Frankly, you're likely to get this same response from many who DO have a home dungeon. Do I have the timeframe right? You met her speed-dating a little more than a week ago and may or may not have been on a regular date with her in that time?

For many both kink and non-kink oriented that's way too early to be asking. Correction, directly asking with the explanation that you are not meaning to pry but are rather trying to rule out a possible incompatibility early on would have been Much better manners and less likely to offend than the joking hint-hint method you employed.

< Message edited by RumpusParable -- 2/23/2007 4:32:12 PM >

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Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

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(in reply to PassionChemistry)

Post #: 6

RE: How do you find out if a new date is kinky or poten... - 2/23/2007 4:33:17 PM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
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Perhaps the first date or ten isn't the time to bring up anything sexual, regardless of the other's kink-compatibility. Takes time to build up a decent comfort level. When she's ready to crawl all over you because you have been minding your most formal p's and q's, then spring it on her ("it" not being reference to your penis... um ... well ... maybe).

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You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

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(in reply to RumpusParable)

Post #: 7

RE: How do you find out if a new date is kinky or poten... - 2/23/2007 4:38:35 PM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

Oh, and to answer the thread title-question:

Depends on what I want at the time and with that person. I either politely ask upfront if I don't want to waste any more time with them if they aren't or I wait until such things come up comfortably and naturally in discussion if there is a basis for other-than-kink interactions between us.

Whether first thing or down the line, I always bring it up directly and without game-playing by just asking or by expressing clearly what I'm looking for.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to PassionChemistry)

Post #: 8

RE: How do you find out if a new date is kinky or poten... - 2/23/2007 4:50:18 PM

PassionChemistry

Posts: 15
Joined: 1/1/2007
Status: offline

Thanks very much for these replies.
The difficulty with taking the slow method is that, if kinkiness is important to you, then it is a pain to have to go out with someone for 3 months before opening the subject. I suppose there must be a middle way.

(in reply to RumpusParable)

Post #: 9

RE: How do you find out if a new date is kinky or poten... - 2/23/2007 4:57:10 PM

4u2spoil

Posts: 211
Joined: 5/1/2005
Status: offline

As others have suggested, the timing may have been off. Even for people contacting me here, who know I'm kinky, I get a bit turned off by seeing full nude pictures of people at first, "questions" and "what if"s that seem to indicate the person is looking more for a service top or someone they can call for kink on demand.

I agree with Rumpus about being straightforward, but as one who is still attracted to men in vanilla settings understand not wanting to just go "nice eyes, by the way can I tie you up some time?"

In the future, allow yourself some time to get to know more about someone outside of bedroom activities - vanilla or otherwise. Don't hide what you're looking for, but ease into it at about the same time you'd ease into a conversation about regular sex. If you're not at a point where you'd be comfortable asking her to sleep with you, you're not at a point where you should be asking about kink. When you do get to that point, speak about the underlying themes more than acts. i.e. "I really enjoy a woman who takes control of me in bed, and I like trying things beyond the sex position of the month in Cosmo." And be honest about why you're bringing it up "I'm not suggesting that you throw me in a dungeon right away (a little humor can probably still be put in there), but I know I'd be incompatible in the long run with someone who doesn't enjoy trying new things"

(in reply to PassionChemistry)

Post #: 10

RE: How do you find out if a new date is kinky or poten... - 2/23/2007 5:08:10 PM

azzmaster

Posts: 864
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline

i just ask them, usually after a couple of drinks what the kinkiest thing they ever did was... i will ask if they like to be dominated in bed. if they r n2 the lifestyle or curious it won't freak em out. if it does then game ova, and i get out with a quickness

(in reply to 4u2spoil)

Post #: 11

RE: How do you find out if a new date is kinky or poten... - 2/23/2007 6:25:25 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

that is so true, in fact I'd love to make friends outside of the online ones I have, but I am looking for kinky friends, cause most vanilla people would have ZERO interest in any of what it is I do, nor understand, and I believe if you're truely friends you should be able to can and do share just about everything with the person, I refuse to hide the most basic things about myself.

I'm a good teacher, mostly patient, but I don't want to have to lead another timid newbie who's clueless about bdsm through the steps. Did that with my X and he never understood why I liked what I did, he supported most of it, but he always hoped secretly I would outgrow it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx

I don't make vanilla dates. I don't even try and meet people through methods other than through some 'scene' connection, such as here.

Do I realize I might be missing out on people I might be attracted to who I could get them to see the wonders of this world? Sure, but that seems too much like work. I'd rather at least know that there's 'something' in common, kink-wise, and build from there.

Jeff

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 12

RE: How do you find out if a new date is kinky or poten... - 2/23/2007 6:37:26 PM

azzmaster

Posts: 864
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline

i give vanilla people a chance if i think they might have it in em. its usually someone else who helps introduce us to the scene

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 13

RE: How do you find out if a new date is kinky or poten... - 2/23/2007 6:47:53 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

azz, I might stumble on some understanding vanilla people, people who're evenopen minded enough to give wiiwd a chance, but for the most part I am not interested in vanilla friends, I have floggers on display, and my sex toy bag is usualy on the bed with my cuffs hooked to the outside, I have no interest in having to proof check my room to make sure "offensive" items are out.

(in reply to azzmaster)

Post #: 14

RE: How do you find out if a new date is kinky or poten... - 2/23/2007 7:38:00 PM

MistressDoMe

Posts: 295
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

I would think it is going to be very hard to find a compatible "kinky" partner in the vanilla dating world.
I would put a few suggestive words in my ad so I could weed out those totally not interested right off the bat.
Use your imagination to figure out what to say, without being to suggestive, good luck.

(in reply to PassionChemistry)

Post #: 15

RE: How do you find out if a new date is kinky or poten... - 2/23/2007 8:19:15 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Not to mention, just because a person turns out "kinky" doesn't mean there's much chance that they will be compatible in the Ds sense or in the same kinks as you are.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MistressDoMe)

Post #: 16

RE: How do you find out if a new date is kinky or poten... - 2/23/2007 8:30:08 PM

Aine

Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline

Not sure what works for others, but once my relationship went sexual with my current, his hands were down by my arse and a made the joke "You and slap it if you want to". *chuckles*

Man, did that work like I had hoped it would. *grins*

_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 17

RE: How do you find out if a new date is kinky or poten... - 2/23/2007 8:40:59 PM

thaimeeuppppp

Posts: 58
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline

I will go out with someone who is vanilla because i like to make a friend if nothing else. I try to work my lifestyle into conversation and see if they react. Its really easier for me to meet people online or at a fetish club though.In truth though if i fell in love with someone vanilla i would be vanilla with them since i am sub and that is what they would want. I am happy if my Dom is happy. I know that might sound strange but my thing is more to please than any one activity. Still of course BDSM is so much more exciting.

(in reply to Aine)

Post #: 18

RE: How do you find out if a new date is kinky or poten... - 2/23/2007 8:53:04 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thaimeeuppppp

I will go out with someone who is vanilla because i like to make a friend if nothing else. I try to work my lifestyle into conversation and see if they react. Its really easier for me to meet people online or at a fetish club though.In truth though if i fell in love with someone vanilla i would be vanilla with them since i am sub and that is what they would want. I am happy if my Dom is happy. I know that might sound strange but my thing is more to please than any one activity. Still of course BDSM is so much more exciting.

Ewwwww. You said the 'f' word.

I'm squicked already.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to thaimeeuppppp)

Post #: 19

RE: How do you find out if a new date is kinky or poten... - 2/24/2007 1:41:57 AM

PassionChemistry

Posts: 15
Joined: 1/1/2007
Status: offline

Yes, LuckyAlbatross,

guilty as charged. I am oddly both extremely sensitive and extremely blunt and tactless at the same time. Many women do find me way too intense at first....though the ones that hang in there get hooked!

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Actually I suggest you take what she says as the truth- you are too open and forward and go too fast and make people uncomfortable.

You could also try dating people you KNOW are not kinky before you ask them out.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 20

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