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Sorry azz rant- ? i might have lost Brian - 2/8/2007 7:54:59 AM

pahunkboy

Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
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Hi all.

Last night I could not sleep- so I took my sleeping pill. An hour later- I couldnt sleep so I took my sleeping pills. An hour later a could not sleep, so I took my sleeping pills. [ps- gay guys somehow can access candy galore]

I still couldnt sleep- so I called Brian.

For the last 4 years we have had a spectacular "phone relationship". We both know we need face to face time to know if we can pursue a relationship.

I let him have it. I summarized where we now stand, my 2 attempts to fly to Oklahoma, etc.

He knows an extreem amount about me.

I told him, Jim said it cant go anywhere cause Brian never calls me. I said- early on- I told Brian my phone plan coverred the cost- so it is no problem for me to phone. ok- I mentioned this. He replied he has no long distance. I explained that if he gets a $5 phone card- a 2 minute call- them me to phone him back would be cool. He seems receptive. I told brian we have one hell of a friendship- what we dont know if it translates into a dating thing.

He knows my baggage. I know his baggage.

He has taking on a sorta spark- now that I have set out to start my own business and returned to school. [i am retired early due to disabilty]

I asked him how his stopping smoking is going- , I was doped up and dont recall his answer.

He likes that I have no interest in antiques or collcetables.

He likes that I have a brain.

He likes that I can handle time alone./solitude

A month or so back he dropped a bomb on me. A peice of baggage of sorts. As a teen he was a huslter/prostitute. Hit me like bricks. I go for STD testing every year- never had one. S0- if we become sexual- I will insist on recent STD testing.

Here is a snag: he is 1400 miles away. no airline service serves his area or mine. so to fly is expensive.

I am retired/disabled; but not dead.

So I am asking folks on CM, to post anything that comes to mind. In a way Im begging you to. CM posters whom I am familliar with- these post will carry more weight. But everyone is welcome to add imput.

advice?

Do s and donts ?

sim experiences ?

--lastly- my bottem line is Brian or a man of his calibur. Ild rather be single then in a mediocre relationship- as I say- I enjoy my solitude.

*on my knees, begging for your imput *

Such imput may help me recall the entire conversation. [ambien is the sleeping med]

HelpPPPPPPPPPPP!

-graciously yours, Roger

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RE: Sorry azz rant- ? i might have lost Brian - 2/8/2007 7:58:14 AM

pahunkboy

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From: Central Pennsylvania
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BTW- I told Brian I never asked to visit a 3rd time out of fear of rejection. [im fairly certain he heard me]

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RE: Sorry azz rant- ? i might have lost Brian - 2/8/2007 8:27:28 AM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
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Not sure what you are asking for. What sort of input are you looking for? BTW - it isnt too bright to be taking sleeping pill after sleeping pill after sleeping pill.

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RE: Sorry azz rant- ? i might have lost Brian - 2/8/2007 8:34:46 AM

SCDommie

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Joined: 1/24/2007
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I have to be blunt because that is the way I am. Why is the most attractive males, gay? Dude, what is up with that, and please find someone who will respect you for who you are and not use you like this one is doing.

SCD

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RE: Sorry azz rant- ? i might have lost Brian - 2/8/2007 9:00:31 AM

pahunkboy

Posts: 33061
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From: Central Pennsylvania
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SCDommie

I have to be blunt because that is the way I am. Why is the most attractive males, gay? Dude, what is up with that, and please find someone who will respect you for who you are and not use you like this one is doing.

SCD

Where do I find one? gay men are either all picked out- too effeminate, or drug addicts/alcholics/gambles/ sex addicts.

if you can hook me up- im looking for simmiliar age- [43] a guy with a great mind. i dont want to support him. nor do i want to be supported. by all means- intro me to you gay male buddies=

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RE: Sorry azz rant- ? i might have lost Brian - 2/8/2007 9:04:38 AM

pahunkboy

Posts: 33061
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From: Central Pennsylvania
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SCDommie

I have to be blunt because that is the way I am. Why is the most attractive males, gay? Dude, what is up with that, and please find someone who will respect you for who you are and not use you like this one is doing.

SCD

? always a brides maid never the bride. [me]

thanks for your concern over sleeping pills. i treat regularly with a physician and a psychiatrist. i know my body pretty well.

my dad passed away at 42. so depite my lifestyle- I have outlived him, as well as my paternal grandfather.

where are the masculine gay men ? hook me up. intro me- plsssssssssss

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RE: Sorry azz rant- ? i might have lost Brian - 2/8/2007 9:20:04 AM

missturbation

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A don't - never try to have a serious convo on drugs or drink, it just doesn't bode well

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RE: Sorry azz rant- ? i might have lost Brian - 2/8/2007 11:14:13 AM

pahunkboy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

A don't - never try to have a serious convo on drugs or drink, it just doesn't bode well

good point

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RE: Sorry azz rant- ? i might have lost Brian - 2/8/2007 11:27:23 AM

pahunkboy

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even still. i still might ask him to marry me.

[in my church- fkk the govt]

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RE: Sorry azz rant- ? i might have lost Brian - 2/8/2007 11:31:41 AM

juliaoceania

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Well besides being on dope when speaking about major issues (bad idea) here is my advice to you knowing very little about it all:

First take a deep cleansing breath and repeat this as you exhale: "All is Well". Keep doing that until your spirit is at ease.

Then remember that your happiness should not hinge on another human being. If not Brian, then someone better. What I mean by that is this, if Brian does not work out for you trust that someone better will, someone better for you at least. No one can fill us up and complete us. Two halves do not make a whole, they only make a hole to fall into. If you release your anxiety about this, and let Brian be who Brian is, then that is a gift you give to both of you. It is easier to implement doing this than it sounds, because you will feel better right away if you only allow yourself to.

I hope this helps.

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RE: Sorry azz rant- ? i might have lost Brian - 2/8/2007 12:38:44 PM

FukinTroll

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I think you may be at an impasse of communication. It is very clear to me that you have strong feelings and a great deal of affection for your friend. What saddens me is what appears to be a lack of reciprocation. It would appear you are investing yourself deeply into this relationship and I would advice you to step back. Trying hard to press the relationship is only going to engrain it deeper into your emotions. Having only one side of this situation, I can only advise caution.

It seems that there is a great deal of contention going on in your life and I would hate to see this relationship become a decisive factor in breaking you down. I appreciate your fondness of solitude and suspect you aren’t really finding the stillness you need to allow yourself to process all the contention that is revolving around you. I follow your threads, I do not often have anything to add, yet I do read them and don’t find you whinny or needy, just a bit overwhelmed.

I think it is a good time to just rest a bit. Give your friend time to make the move to you. You do not have to invest the apparent 150-200% into this relationship, just give your hundred. Step back a bit, take a deep breath and let yourself find a calm, still moment in your solitude so you can be refreshed to tackle school, career, and romance when your partner picks up the slack and give his 100% to you. Don’t settle for a 50/50 partner, make sure each of you is doing 100%

Respectively

FukinTroll

< Message edited by FukinTroll -- 2/8/2007 12:39:06 PM >

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RE: Sorry azz rant- ? i might have lost Brian - 2/8/2007 1:17:17 PM

pahunkboy

Posts: 33061
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From: Central Pennsylvania
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

I think you may be at an impasse of communication. It is very clear to me that you have strong feelings and a great deal of affection for your friend. What saddens me is what appears to be a lack of reciprocation. It would appear you are investing yourself deeply into this relationship and I would advice you to step back. Trying hard to press the relationship is only going to engrain it deeper into your emotions. Having only one side of this situation, I can only advise caution.

It seems that there is a great deal of contention going on in your life and I would hate to see this relationship become a decisive factor in breaking you down. I appreciate your fondness of solitude and suspect you aren’t really finding the stillness you need to allow yourself to process all the contention that is revolving around you. I follow your threads, I do not often have anything to add, yet I do read them and don’t find you whinny or needy, just a bit overwhelmed.

I think it is a good time to just rest a bit. Give your friend time to make the move to you. You do not have to invest the apparent 150-200% into this relationship, just give your hundred. Step back a bit, take a deep breath and let yourself find a calm, still moment in your solitude so you can be refreshed to tackle school, career, and romance when your partner picks up the slack and give his 100% to you. Don’t settle for a 50/50 partner, make sure each of you is doing 100%

Respectively

FukinTroll

Dear FT,

Bingo. Over whelmed. That is the current state of my life. Relations with my siblings is at an all time low. When they come into town to move my mom to Chicago- I might get a motel room out of the area. Pretending I am not home wont work. This happens no later then March 12. I plan to maintain contact with mom. But since my siblings carry contempt- and a lack of respect to me; I choose to put some distance between us. I am NOT happy with my siblings. For various reasons- their life has value and importance- my life- to them- is a looser, a moocher, claiming I took advantage of mom- -nevermind teh time I bailed Ed out of Cook County Jail- put $2500.00 cash advances on my credit cards. Nevermind that I taught him how to ride a bike, negotiate a car deal, never mind that I flew to Chicago to make him a homeowner- for the 1st time. [72 hours-it was quite a kill]

My siblings can kiss my lilly white azz.

I am taking a break from THAT. I wish mom well- and will help her all I can. But for now- I have disowned my family.

My sister ignored 3 days of calling- as I left messages for her via Aunt Helen passing away. Then ragged me out when I phoned a few minutes after 10 pm. Due to her baby. She went back to work- a babysitter raising my nephew. Tho- once mom gets out there- free baby sitting.

My other brother laid into me when I phoned him, and mentioned the cell phone refund. "my wife is a cpa! I know all about that!!!!!!" He told me Ed has his old phone number back. I asked for the number. The most he could say was it was the 4200 number. Well- I tried that number- it belongs to some ethnic girl- named Shirley. Instructions for mom and myself- if we want to contact Ed, is to do so via my sister. My sister doe not return phone calls and is at work despite a newborn baby. meanwhile I hear he is on a beach in Mexico. All the months, of hours on end of hearing about his depression and woman problems, screwing our blood 2nd cousin who is 19, and a druggie. How unfair life is to Ed- when he has just shy of $1,000,000.00 in the bank. I helped him get medical help= sent him to my drs in PA. His realitor said antidepressents are bad for you. So he stopped the regiment. I just got done arguing with Sprint- over $965.00 cell bill that I had for 4 days family plan- Ed on it.

Fckk me.

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RE: Sorry azz rant- ? i might have lost Brian - 2/8/2007 1:20:42 PM

pahunkboy

Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Well besides being on dope when speaking about major issues (bad idea) here is my advice to you knowing very little about it all:

First take a deep cleansing breath and repeat this as you exhale: "All is Well". Keep doing that until your spirit is at ease.

Then remember that your happiness should not hinge on another human being. If not Brian, then someone better. What I mean by that is this, if Brian does not work out for you trust that someone better will, someone better for you at least. No one can fill us up and complete us. Two halves do not make a whole, they only make a hole to fall into. If you release your anxiety about this, and let Brian be who Brian is, then that is a gift you give to both of you. It is easier to implement doing this than it sounds, because you will feel better right away if you only allow yourself to.

I hope this helps.

Julia- a very nice post. Thank you. HUGS

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