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Feeling underutilized - 2/7/2007 1:30:22 PM   
happy2beme


Posts: 3
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		Does anyone have any advice or information about when a submissive feels underutilized.  When she feels as if she is receiving far more than she gives and that the relationship is somewhat one-sided due to that fact?  Thanks for your input.



Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Feeling underutilized - 2/7/2007 1:32:39 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		erm... talk to the Dom you are involved with.. it doesnt really matter if you feel he isnt useing you enough to tell the trueth he deems how much he wants you to do for him not you... if you need to be doing more then maybe you need a different Dom eather way we cant answer for you you have to ask the Dom in question.

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to happy2beme)
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RE: Feeling underutilized - 2/7/2007 1:35:17 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Obviously the first and best thing is to talk about it to your dom- just don't be surprised if your reaction is that they laugh at you, tell you how silly you are and send you on your merry way.

Second, make a list of the things you think you could be doing with your time and energy and go over the list with them and see if they think any of them are good ideas.

Thirdly, come over to my place and wait for further instructions.

Fourth, up the time you spend at the gym 3 hours a week.

Finally, sleep in, be grateful you have this extra time and beg your dom to please let you go volunteer at the local pet shelter.

If you still are worried that you aren't giving enough after that, you're just neurotic and beyond help :)

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to happy2beme)
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RE: Feeling underutilized - 2/7/2007 1:40:18 PM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		And when you're done at Lucky's, I've got a sink full of dishes and 2 bathrooms with you name on them.

(in reply to happy2beme)
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RE: Feeling underutilized - 2/7/2007 1:40:54 PM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Obviously the first and best thing is to talk about it to your dom- just don't be surprised if your reaction is that they laugh at you, tell you how silly you are and send you on your merry way.

Second, make a list of the things you think you could be doing with your time and energy and go over the list with them and see if they think any of them are good ideas.

Thirdly, come over to my place and wait for further instructions.

Fourth, up the time you spend at the gym 3 hours a week.

Finally, sleep in, be grateful you have this extra time and beg your dom to please let you go volunteer at the local pet shelter.

If you still are worried that you aren't giving enough after that, you're just neurotic and beyond help :)


Good advice, but keep one thing in mind as well. I've been in the same circumstance, and one thing that has happened upon my addressing the issue is receiving busy work instead of actual instructions. You know the kind of thing that usually goes: "Well, if you have too much time, well here's something demeaning you can do." It's extremely frustrating, and whenever that happens, things start to go downhill really, really fast. I've actually gotten to the point that when I see that happening, I immediately address it, and if that doesn't make an impact, I let things go downhill on their own.


_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me


http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Feeling underutilized - 2/7/2007 1:45:19 PM   
happy2beme


Posts: 3
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you for your input.  Please don't mistake my concern as complaining. i certainly don't mean to imply that i am unhappy or unappreciative,  i simply want to give Him as much as He has given me.  

(in reply to happy2beme)
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RE: Feeling underutilized - 2/7/2007 1:50:10 PM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: happy2beme

Does anyone have any advice or information about when a submissive feels underutilized.  When she feels as if she is receiving far more than she gives and that the relationship is somewhat one-sided due to that fact?  Thanks for your input.



I am a little confused as to what you are getting at. Do you feel guilty that your other is too generous to you and by what way? Are you not feeling very sub like because of lack of use and/or discipline?

If it is the former then try to remember and focus your Dom is doing things that make him happy and content. If that is treating you the way he is treating you, embrace that. Talk to him and make sure he is treating you how he wants and not how he thinks you want.

If it is the latter, very important to talk to him and discuss this issue, neglect either mentally or physically can be a huge problem in these relationships. Every submissive is different in what they need in these areas in order to serve properly and happily.




_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to happy2beme)
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RE: Feeling underutilized - 2/7/2007 1:57:31 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: happy2beme

Thank you for your input.  Please don't mistake my concern as complaining. i certainly don't mean to imply that i am unhappy or unappreciative,  i simply want to give Him as much as He has given me.  


There are so many ways you can give to someone you love. Not only through the "regular" ways either. You could have pictures taken of yourself to give to him framed. You could make sure you dress the way he finds the most appealing. You could anticipate his needs by bringing him what he needs before he even thinks it himself. You could go online and shop for books you think he might enjoy... on and on and on.

I have a very giving Daddy also, but I know he only does what he wants to do. In a way when he does things for you, he is doing them for himself too because he enjoys this. Some doms get pleasure from seeing their submissive having pleasure, and so by allowing him to give to you in a way you are serving him...

Just some thoughts.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to happy2beme)
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RE: Feeling underutilized - 2/7/2007 1:59:11 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn
Good advice, but keep one thing in mind as well. I've been in the same circumstance, and one thing that has happened upon my addressing the issue is receiving busy work instead of actual instructions. You know the kind of thing that usually goes: "Well, if you have too much time, well here's something demeaning you can do." It's extremely frustrating, and whenever that happens, things start to go downhill really, really fast. I've actually gotten to the point that when I see that happening, I immediately address it, and if that doesn't make an impact, I let things go downhill on their own.

I agree.  That's why I had #2.

Neither masters nor slaves can be lazy all the time or the relationship will falter.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to littlesarbonn)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Feeling underutilized - 2/7/2007 3:03:19 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: happy2beme

Does anyone have any advice or information about when a submissive feels underutilized.  When she feels as if she is receiving far more than she gives and that the relationship is somewhat one-sided due to that fact?  Thanks for your input.



Yes..... I say........."You do so much for me and I feel as if I do bugger-all" ..........and he says.." Don't worry, if I want you to do anything more or different, I'll let you know and you'll do it, be assured of that fact!!"...Then I say.........." Cool, thanks Master".

Gah.....I'm easily reassured, me.........lol

agirl



(in reply to happy2beme)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Feeling underutilized - 2/7/2007 3:25:49 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear happy2beme, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
As a submissive feeling underutilized is not just for submissives but, Dominants at times feel underutilized at times also.
 
People need to feel needed and wanted.  At times what is comfortable for individuals manifest their service through, is taken away when the other partner does it all themselves.  So the channel on how to serve or to be served is closed and the need to find a new channel is necessary. 
 
At times my former slave felt guilty for just being at my feet doing nothing, while I was busy doing a task.  It was torture for him to be at my feet.  He was better at the task I know but, I wanted to do it myself.  He felt it his duty to do the task also.  So, I had to explain to him, that although he was better than me doing it, he was available and eager to do it; it was my power and authority of choice to do it myself.  And, it was further pointed out that he was serving me fully, being there at my feet.  It was a comfort for me to know he was there as slave, companion and if I had trouble--he was there to take it over.  It also taught him, that sometimes it doesn't make sense but, its not his job to make sense of what a Dominant/Owner/Master does.  His job was to serve in any manner I asked.  He learned patience as well.
 
Communication is the key.  Sometimes asking questions on the reasoning behind the acts can give so much clarity to the whole scheme of things.  Sometimes doing nothing is more service then you will ever, ever know.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs
 
 

(in reply to happy2beme)
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RE: Feeling underutilized - 2/7/2007 3:58:14 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		No, I don't have much advice except to make your feelings known.  But, if somethings working I usually feel like I'm getting more out of it than I'm putting into it.  And, yes, this bothers me.  So, if I'm feeling like things are really lopsided in my favor, I try to remember to mention it at some point.

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


(in reply to happy2beme)
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RE: Feeling underutilized - 2/7/2007 4:03:04 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Unless this goes against your own dominant's view, I see nothing wrong at all with sub or slave taking the initiative and finding ways to make their dom/owner's life easier and better.

Look around and see what you can do to make things less stressful for him.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to happy2beme)
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RE: Feeling underutilized - 2/7/2007 4:33:24 PM   
SCDommie


Posts: 176
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline 		I admit  sometimes I feel this  way with my slave. He insists upon total servitude. 
I like to watch him work. 
I am trying to find things to occupy my time better.   Hopefully, this will solve my need to be a provider as well as him providing for me.   I like to feel I am contributing to the relationship. 

SCD

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Feeling underutilized - 2/7/2007 4:39:51 PM   
Sabella


Posts: 265
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline 		Just use your imagination :) or better yet get him involved in it - without him knowing you are digging for information is even better, IMHO. Just in casual conversation you can pickup things he likes, foods he enjoys, fantasies, his dream job or vacation, little hobbies he used to have but no longer persues, things he'd like to try. Around the house (if you co-habitate) notice where he puts things, what he stumbles over or forgets -  what can you do there to make his life less stressful?

Then work on fulfilling those things, great and small. He WILL notice and be appreciative and you will be happier as well knowing you are making him happy.


_____________________________

“The giant Grof was hit in one eye by a stone,
and that eye turned inward so that it looked into his mind and he died of what he saw there.”
From The Forgotten Beasts of Eld, by Patricia A. McKillip

(in reply to SCDommie)
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RE: Feeling underutilized - 2/7/2007 4:57:28 PM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		Hi There,
I also feel as though I want to serve in ways not required by my Sir.
What I've found in that is it's a balancing act I have in me to contend with.
You have to temper your idea of how to serve him with the fact he is leading you the way he wants you to go.
Serving him is about letting him lead the both of you.
It's about what he wants to have you do & what he chooses to do for Himself and you.
It's about being trained in his ways, not doing what you think important or that others said to do that counts.
Some people just want to pull their own weight.
Allowing your Sir to serve himself if he so chooses can be comfortable if you give up your preconceived notions of it.
If it brings him joy to spoil you and do things for you you should be greaatful to have such a wonderful Master and be really good at the things he does require of you.
Better you do a few things really well if that's what he'd like rather than spread out over everthing and do all of it just OK right?
suzanne

(in reply to happy2beme)
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RE: Feeling underutilized - 2/7/2007 8:01:09 PM   
slavemaia


Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: happy2beme

Does anyone have any advice or information about when a submissive feels underutilized.  When she feels as if she is receiving far more than she gives and that the relationship is somewhat one-sided due to that fact?  Thanks for your input.


And this is a problem why? my recommendation - if you are sincere in this, then challenge yourself to do one thing for your Dom every day that you really don't like to do. You'll get over the feeling of not doing enough.

Seriously though, as it's been said here before, learning to pace yourself to His pace - that's a difficult thing. i'm still learning to give up my agenda, my perspective of who's giving what etc. It's simple - who's in charge - you? Ahem.

< Message edited by slavemaia -- 2/7/2007 8:04:21 PM >

_____________________________


She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

(in reply to happy2beme)
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RE: Feeling underutilized - 2/7/2007 8:20:56 PM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: happy2beme

Does anyone have any advice or information about when a submissive feels underutilized.  When she feels as if she is receiving far more than she gives and that the relationship is somewhat one-sided due to that fact?  Thanks for your input.


I'd say take a look at your skills and the things that your dominant doesn't seem to enjoy doing or frequently runs out of time to do and offer to do a couple of those things for him with the explanation that you'd like to do more for him to show your appreciation.

C~


_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to happy2beme)
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RE: Feeling underutilized - 2/7/2007 9:00:13 PM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline 		I get this feeling sometimes too.  I have to remind myself that the relationship is not about who is receiving what.  It is about control and if he wants to give, then it is part of my job to receive what he gives graciously instead of freaking out and feeling useless.  

_____________________________


"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to Wildfleurs)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Feeling underutilized - 2/8/2007 12:20:33 AM   
Sirandlittle1


Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		Presumably, you both checked that your needs echo each other in the 1st place yes? So this is a temporary lack in need filling for you both, then

Ask him, if he's ok without your service for a couple of hrs, would he mind if you......
enjoy the quiet time, fill it yourself. Be self sufficient. Occupy yourself!
You have a brain, use it. Learn some new skill. Develop a talent. Learn about massage, take up french lessons. Re-grout the tiles in the bathroom. whatever. And be patient.

If your need to serve is this big > .................................................. <

And his need for service is this big >...<
you got problems.

other than that, id grab a stack of DVD's and indulge myself! big time. Or sit in the opposite chair masterbating loudly to distract him and acting the prat. Or dress up in some daft costume and flounce around the house lol.

little1


(in reply to junecleaver)
Profile   Post #: 20
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