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Noah -> RE: Feeling underutilized (2/8/2007 12:47:05 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: happy2beme
Does anyone have any advice or information about when a submissive feels underutilized. When she feels as if she is receiving far more than she gives and that the relationship is somewhat one-sided due to that fact? Thanks for your input.
Your profile suggests a measure of masochism. This thing that you're feeling, is it a discomfort, even a pain for you sometimes? Can you process that discomfort masochistically? Let it hurt, feel that hurt, and hurt for him?
I think that notions of equity and justice are misplaced in any healthy, caring relationship. Should a parent be concerned that he is getting less, or more, fulfillment from the relationship than the child is? In the first place there are so many kinds of rewards and fulfillments. How about loving and giving without expectation, and accepting with gratitude and humility what you find as you go along? Some of the most rewarding moments in my life have, objectively, been kind of crappy, pain in the ass moments. Waking from a sound sleep, called upon to tend to a loved one in illness or other trouble. Would this go on the accounting as a cost or a benefit? How can you hope to know what various moments mean to another person.
Of course if a relationship has become unhealthy but you deem it worth making well again, well than maybe you will need for a time to think in tersm like these, or some other rather unnatural terms, just the way an emergency room doctor must do things which would be harmful if done to a healthy person.
I think often enough we don't even know what a given moment means to us, not fully, until years or decades after. Trying to keep a running tally of your own seems a waste of time, at best. Trying to keep a running tally for someone else seems impossible on its face and an idea that can easily lead to all sorts of trouble. And really, if you and this person care about one another, act with integrity toward one another, and communicate to a reasonable degree, what good could really come from from this potentially dangerous and time-wasting tallying project? Just be with him, and be grateful.
Every minute you spend going over things to see if they are "fair" is a moment spent away from him, lost in and attending to your own concerns.
Deciding how much of what pleasure, happiness, or service your dominant partner should have, and then acting to fulfill the standard you have set for him could reasonably be seen as one more form of topping from below, as it appears to me.
Should lovers keep score this way? Friends? I don't think so. Care about one another and act from your heart. Repeat. Amen.
The stark asymmetry of a D/s relationship seems the worst place of all to proceed with this sort of an economic model.
Oh if you are just "play partners" with no particular degree of genuine caring for one another and you want to proceed tit-for-tat I don't see anything wrong with it. It is some sort of barter system with sensations as currency, or something like that.
But if you are play partners, or man and wife, or slave and master or in any other configuration where great mutual care is present, I'd say admit these desires you have to level things, feel them, and then let them go rather than fixating on them.
Good luck.
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