non-sexual service

non-sexual service (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

lilsubl -> non-sexual service (2/3/2007 12:27:32 PM)
my relationship with my dominant no longer includes sexual service, but we would both like to continue the M/s relationship...i'm not very clear on how this would work, as all of my experience in this lifestyle has included the sexual...he & i don't live together, so i won't be cleaning the house or setting out his clothes or anything like that...i have a need for another to control most aspects of my life, from what i wear, how i look, to what i will do & when...i don't do too well with absolute freedom & i believe this is the reason i wish to keep some sort of M/s dynamic...i also have a great need to experience pain as it keeps me grounded & he has offered to continue to provide this for me, but this tends to turn into the sexual for me.......i did a search on this topic, but was unable to find anything that actually suited this situation, so i welcome any & all advice, experience, & thoughts on the subject... thank you.......

Mustardseed -> RE: non-sexual service (2/3/2007 12:47:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lilsubl he & i don't live together, so i won't be cleaning the house or setting out his clothes or anything like that... Does this mean that you never get to his home? That you have a long-distance or online-only relationship? Knowing this would help for customizing suggestions. There are two books that I can suggest that go over the concepts of non-sexual service, but both assume that the submissive and dominant are at least within easy driving distance of each other: slavecraft by a grateful slave with Guy Baldwin. It's mostly philosophy, in regards with getting into and staying in the proper headspace. However, there are suggestions on how to improve ones service whether with a current dominant or while between masters. Protocols: a Handbook for the female slave and related books by Mr. Rubels also give ideas for the possibilities of having a submissive or slave past just what can be accomplished in the bedroom or dungeon. Rubels considers himself a leather master and makes a distinction between the leather community and the kink community at large. Also, what he does is that he uses his own and other masters' protocol manuals (written for their own slaves) as a guide to show slaves what could be expected of them and to show masters how to create such a manual for themselves. I can think of several services that can be provided from afar: research secretarial (writing letters, making travel arrangements, etc) errands, with shipping of various items sewing and mending specified bodyart personal healthcare and maintainence dress and other personal adornment the creation of art (writings, paintings, recordings) I guess that the big questions are what does your dominant like? What does he want? This is one of those points where he could risk ridicule by really digging into his psyche and confessing desires that he really hasn't expressed to others because they're not the standard sort of Domly requests people are expected to fantasize about. I mean, come on. Does he have a thing for a certain year's My Little Pony figurines? Old Commodore 64 computers (hey, those screens were tiny but otherwise of amazing resolution -- mmmm)? Rebus puzzles? Stuff that he just hasn't admitted to in ages? Here's where he can get fantasy fulfillment met on a level that he probably only thinks of when he really thinks of his ideal life, by sending you out to be his personal shopper, sleuth or other servant. And in the age of Craigslist and Ebay, why not? Or maybe there's simply paperwork that he doesn't ever want to deal with again: you could handle that if you have access to the right stuff. Basically, you have the chance here to become a truly crucial part of his life, where the words "What would I do without you?" wouldn't even need to be spoken after a while. If you've ever seen him in his element, let your inner anal-retentive control freak and silent observer run wild and start jotting down notes if you haven't already -- what does he need? Where can you fit in? Where can you pick up slack? Whatever you two decide, I wish you good luck!

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: non-sexual service (2/3/2007 1:44:22 PM)
I'm curious to why the change in sexual status if that is the primary basis for the relationship as it seems to have been? But you both say you want to keep the relationship going, so I say go to the source. Why does he still want you as his slave? What can you provide to him? If what you can provide to him can become what fulfills you- then you can make that transition. Frankly, if it's all bound into sexuality for you and for whatever reason you are no longer allowed to express that sexuality, it MIGHT be a case of outgrowing the relationship's usefulness.

lilsubl -> RE: non-sexual service (2/3/2007 2:24:50 PM)
thank you so much for that very informative post, MustardSeed....you have given me several ideas & i will definitely look for the books you recommended...& you've given me ideas on what i might discuss with him... LA, as always, you go straight to the real issue...what i'm truly grappling with is do i wish to stay with him if the sexual aspect is no longer there...we don't live together, nor do i go to his home, although we live within 3 miles of each other...i am at the source as we speak & am trying to understand what it is that he wishes me to do for him......

DiurnalVampire -> RE: non-sexual service (2/3/2007 2:47:39 PM)
Non sexual service is difficult when you do not live toghter. Angel and I are completely nonsexual. The way he serves is not exactly going to help your situation, but the experience is the same. Were it not what we both wanted, it would never work. We do not miss what was never there, however i could not imagine moving up to a sexual relationship and then stopping it again and still being happy with the nonsexual one. There are activities that can be done, rituals that can be followed, to keep his control over you. And as you said, he is willing to provide the pain you need. However, how long do you think the arrangement will remaind fulfilling if the sexual aspect that is so tied in on your end is gone. DV

lilsubl -> RE: non-sexual service (2/3/2007 6:20:35 PM)
thank you all so much...as often happens in my life, if i just sit back & shut up & wait, the way becomes clear...we spoke at length today & he has chosen to release me completely, but will remain my good friend...but i would like to hear any other ideas on this subject...i don't currently seek a new Owner, because it's not my way to jump from one relationship into the next...but i would like to learn all that i can about the various aspects of slavery & in particular the non-sexual...i'll be around learning & contributing what i can..

BitaTruble -> RE: non-sexual service (2/3/2007 6:33:01 PM)
Non-sexual service can include things like research, doing taxes, making travel arrangements, doing correspondance, journaling or writing for his pleasure, do his gift buying. You're really only limited by your own imagination and what he will allow you to do for him. Celeste

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: non-sexual service (2/3/2007 8:19:08 PM)
Well you might not be oriented that way- not every sub gets their fuzzies from being told what to do, or from being controlled, or from service. There are a lot of ways to express your submission and you shouldn't feel bad if sexually is the way it works for you. However, if you want to experience it, I'd say get yourself in situation where you can explore it. WithOUT making a real commitment to someone, try just being a house cleaner for a day, or just an organizer, or just a cook, or just an errand runner. Keep it limited to focused discrete tasks, knowing you're doing it to ease their burden and allowing them free time and energy to do other things. See how you feel in those situations.

woodsbunny -> RE: non-sexual service (2/3/2007 8:47:44 PM)
To me, one of the strengths of bdsm is the breadth of experience it offers its participants ranging from purely sexual to non-sexual and spiritual. I've enjoyed the posts on this thread, especial Mustard Seed's. When I've thought about this topic I've discovered that I actually don't have a very clear idea of what exactly is sexual and what exactly is non-sexual because what I see as non-sexual since there is no physical contact, to others might be extremely sexual (such as exhibitionism or forced masturbation). And, by reading this thread, I see that my idea of service is different from many others'. Being able to do the things I want to do with/to someone is in itself a service they've done for me. Being willing to undergo a particularly rigid and extensive training for a specific activity is a service. I'm not interested in having an "employee" or "housekeeper" though that doesn't mean that such activities couldn't be important for training or "service." Thanks! Woodsbunny

Mustardseed -> RE: non-sexual service (2/4/2007 7:13:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lilsubl i don't currently seek a new Owner, because it's not my way to jump from one relationship into the next...but i would like to learn all that i can about the various aspects of slavery & in particular the non-sexual... Well, if you once day belong to an Owner who you either end up living with or visiting frequently, there's even more that you could end up doing for that person: butler service (door answering, table service, personal valet actions, fielding phone calls, etc.) maid service (laundry, dusting, vaccuming, dishes, windows, Spring cleaning, seasonal revamps, etc.) grocery shopping (hitting all-natural or farmer's markets, bargain hunting, etc) medical support (ensuring that medications are taken, specialized diets are adhered to, appointments are kept, physical therapy gets done blood sugar/pressure and other measures are recorded, etc.) exercise companion (walking, running, biking, at the gym, spotting for weights, holding feet for sit ups, counting reps, etc.) Manicures, pedicures, massage, hair dressing, etc. processing incoming mail nature (hiking, plant indentification -- including trees, mushrooms, berries, etc, camping, environmentalism, adopting a highway, etc.) arts companion (opera, art walks, symphonies, Shakespeare, museums, galleries, etc.) cooking (specialized diets, consulting with nutritionists, researching other cuisines, customizing a cookbook) chauffer service pet care (dog walking, litter box changing, feeding, grooming, etc.) landscaping car maintainence games (card, board, puzzle, trivia, PC video, console, etc.) film appreciation (any genre) wine and food matching tea study (there are newsgroups of near scientific fact sheets about water temperature, storage methods, etc.) matchmaking (selecting additional partners for your Owner) Then there are Owners who may top in a way that may be sexual for them but not quite for you. Some have kinks for being feeders, for having human animals, for those who wear a particular fabric or substance, etc. Again, it really depends on this hypothetical Owner's interests and situation. An Owner who has several acres on the outskitrs of the 'burbs may well have entirely different requirements of a slave than an owner with a condo that's convenient to downtown, or one with a double-wide in a trailer park. If you're in the market for some fiction on the subject, I'd also recommend the Marketplace series. Many of these characters reach levels of anal-rententiveness that I can only dream of aspiring to. While there's some sex in the books, it takes a background to the actual training involved. "Look, I'm feeling like a 5th wheel around here. Is there anything I can do?" "I don't know. Is there anything that you can do?" - Ripley and the Seargent, Aliens So, what can you do? What are you willing to learn to do? Your local community college/center probably has classes that could help to expand your knowledge, as well as using books from your library to practice from, DVDs and books on CD, etc. Without having someone to actually direct you, you can at least broaden your knoweldge base a bit and hone the skills you already have in preparation of a time when you may need to step up and learn something entirely different quickly. Here's an idea: look around your own home. If it's spotless, think about the things that you really had to buckle down in order to get around to. If it's a mess, what have you been dragging your feet on? Between books by Heloise, the SLOB Sisters or Martha Stewart; classes, shows on cooking or home decor, etc., you may be able to find way tolerable way of getting the job done that makes it easier to tackle. If you can learn to tackle unpleasant tasks in your own home that you may be faced with for an Owner, you end up with two benefits: a cleaner home for an Owner's visit the knowledge that you can do this task much for enthusiastically for someone else This is an excellent "improve one's value" period. I hope that you're able to take advantage of it.

ExSteelAgain -> RE: non-sexual service (2/4/2007 7:37:30 AM)
If you were still going to his home now and then, you could clean it for him. Clean his bathroom and do things that may seem silly because you wonder why he couldn’t do them for himself. The sillier the better. Lay out his razor with a blade in it. Put his toothbrush on the counter with the toothpaste beside it. Open the newspaper for him and put it on the table. Put his shoes neatly somewhere. All these work on emotional levels to let you know you are being controlled and there for his use. If he has another sub now and you know she could just as easily do these tasks for him, it will only intensify the control and use you feel from him.

Page: [1]

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.03125