RE: My Subbie wants other Domme......

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RE: My Subbie wants other Domme...... - 2/3/2007 5:28:23 AM

BBBTBW

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Seems to me your not at the Domme level yet. You seem to lack self confidence. A class or a book on Self Assertion may help you.

Whether this comment was to me or the OP:

Dude...this is harsh. We're all human and as such, we all have doubts and insecurities. If you're really trying to offer sincere advice, try to not insult the person first.

Master Fire

THANK YOU Master Fire!!!!!!!

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RE: My Subbie wants other Domme...... - 2/3/2007 6:16:59 AM

demureone

Posts: 14
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: Pembroke Pines, FL
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

Also you are only seeing and focusing on one issue... Mono Vs Poly

Actually, it really doesn't have anything to do with mono or poly. It has to do with labeling emotions as good and bad based not on the emotion or even the circumstances, but instead who possesses them.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

For the relationship to succeed there are far more factors... one BIG one is that it is a D/s relationship.... in My relationship she has one 'right', one choise... "My way or the highway" that is what she wants/needs and submits to.

Is this the same as "he's the Dom, suck it up"?

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

The only HARM a Mono gets about a partner acting on being Poly... is being ripped apart by negative emotions, mostly stemming from lack of security, jealousy, compairing herself and thinking she is being found wanting.

It is you who is labeling these emotions as negative because they don't support what it is that you desire. As far as I'm concerned, they are simply what they are.

My observation was that when displayed by a submissive, more often than not she receives the same negative assessment that you've given. It appeared that the Domme in this thread was not subject to similar condemnation. Or did I miss all the comments where the OP was told that she was just being insecure and jealous and that she needed to get over those negative emotions?

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

Wether it takes months or wether it takes years I will work on those, mold her, shape her until those won't HARM My girl.... I will do this BEFORE I act on My Poly nature because I DO care for My girl. she values that fact and in turn also sees it as reasurance that *I* value HER.... remember she didn't ASK for this, our relationship is TPE, she has no right except to leave IF I chose to act on it... I CHOOSE not to, I CHOOSE not to harm My girl.

If it where HER choise... this would NOT BE a TPE M/s relationship... it would not BE the very thing she NEEDS for the rest of her life as well!

When I DO eventualy act on it... she will be at the point of being a secure girl happy about the fact that whilst she maybe submitting to something she doesn't LIKE, it is something that makes ME happy without harming her. she is Mine for MY pleasure and is safe and cared for in turn.

You don't seem to GET that as her Master, her emotional needs are MY responcibility... *I* control those just as I control every other aspect of her life. I will go WELL out of My way to protect My girl from harm.... but if it won't harm her, then it is simply a want... and those will get fullfilled or not as and when *I* feel like 'treating her'

I will not get into a pissing contest over your personal situation. You may assume any responsibility that you wish and couch it in any terms you care to, but in the end your girl has ultimate control and responsibility of herself to either accept or reject any harm she perceives, or to simply change how she displays her emotions to you... just as you have control and responsibility over your own actions and behavior.

As long as you get what you want, it's all good, right?

< Message edited by demureone -- 2/3/2007 6:20:50 AM >

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RE: My Subbie wants other Domme...... - 2/3/2007 6:31:12 AM

subrob1967

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demure, raven...get a room, somewhere else.

As for the OP, you have every right to be concerned. Put your boot down, tell your boy the way it is, and if he's unhappy, release him and send him on his way.

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RE: My Subbie wants other Domme...... - 2/3/2007 6:32:26 AM

RavenMuse

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Still you don't GET IT dear.

D/s... Dominant controls, submissive submits.... A Dominant sets the rules... if those rules are ones the submissive CAN'T accept then she is with the wrong damn Dominant. They are not compatible.

Are you trying to say negative destructive emotions such as jealousy are valued things? positive things? Don't make Me laugh! I lable them as negative because they are destructive to her and to a relationship.... where they are part of someone *I* Own I will change them over time... thats MY responcibility. something a girl sees and WANTS before they are going to get to the point of looking to submit to Me, part of the compatability.

You seem to want to set out how a Dom makes their decisions, what decisions they will make.... want to write a script for him to follow? (Small h on Him there as someone who would allow that would NOT be taking a Dominant role!). You want the control, get your arse on the other side of the dynamic and take up the responcibility that goes with it.....

If the Domme dislikes a situation with a sub they change it.... if it can't be changed with that sub... probably the wrong sub

If a sub dislikes a situation with a Dom they submit to it.... if they can't submit to that Dom... probably the wrong Dom

If they are compatable then it works. But the above is what you are seeing in negative terms only and getting your knickers in a twist over.

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This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

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RE: My Subbie wants other Domme...... - 2/3/2007 10:19:38 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Demure- this might help (and I hope it does).

The ultimate reality in any consensual relationship (and no matter how anyone FEELS, we must all hold to consensuality as a given), is that you either accept it or you reject it. That really is the end of it. This doesn't matter if it's mono or poly, dom or sub, vanilla or kinky. Whatever situation you are in, you either say yes or say no.

That doesn't mean healthy mature adults approach every issue with that ultimatum. Raven has given an excellent real life account of how he COULD easily do that, but has chosen not to. Why? Because he prioritizes long term healthy relationships over some overt force ultimatums.

I have said and repeat that yes, sadly, many subs are told to just suck it up and deal with it. I have also said that the people who resort to that measure when dealing with poly are either totally insecure and clueless on how to make the relationship really work, or have reached the end of their rope and need to make a hard choice.

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RE: My Subbie wants other Domme...... - 2/3/2007 10:58:14 AM

RavenMuse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
I have also said that the people who resort to that measure when dealing with poly are either totally insecure and clueless on how to make the relationship really work, or have reached the end of their rope and need to make a hard choice.

A lot of it happens too with folks who really have no clue as to what poly IS nor how it works. I am Poly ergo I can and often do make more than one 'romantic' (For want of a better term) emotional attatchement at the same time... Can and often do... not HAVE TO!

Poly means I can ADD TO My relationship, enhance it, enjoy things that are beyond what ANY individual person could bring to Me both physicaly and emotionaly... not to mention the intensity you get from two dynamics working at that level of submission at the same time, two beautiful loving women both submitted to serving You.

But at the base of that is still the core relationship... I personaly build one at a time. First the primary, then the secondary.... hopefully eventualy bringing the secondary upto the same level of closeness and intensity as the primary.

My girl IS the right girl, that relationship WILL give Me so much (Already IS doing) but like anything it takes work. I have chosen to focus on building that, stabalising that. If I went the ultimatum route knowing that currently, dispite the fact that she would try her hardest, that it would tear her apart... I'd be an idiot... Worse, I'd be a dimdom because I'd be wilfully disregarding My duty of care.

But it is still MY choise.... If I wanted to be an idiot about it, under the terms of our relationship I would have every right to bring a gaggle of girls back with Me, stick her in the middle and tell her to deal or walk.... The fact that she knows that isn't how I approach problems, is part of why we are compatable.... just as the fact that IF I did I know she would stay and try is part of why we are compatable.

And before anyone gets the wrong impression... she is no doormat, she is a strong girl. strong enough to have known exactly what she was submitting to and find someone she could trust to that level, strong enough to submit to even the hardest parts in the trust that I WON'T harm her (baring mistakes) but WILL push her to her absolute limits physicaly, mentaly AND emotionaly on occassion.

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This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

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RE: My Subbie wants other Domme...... - 2/3/2007 11:39:02 AM

demureone

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Joined: 9/11/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

Still you don't GET IT dear.

I'm not quite sure why you insist that I'm not getting "it". I understand very well the issue that I brought up, and at the very least, LA did as well when she addressed it.

She admitted that a lot of subs get told to "suck it up", but she also pointed out that there is a right and wrong way in dealing with feelings. If I understood her correctly in this, I wholeheartedly concur... it isn't the emotions that are inherently right or wrong, it is how we act upon them. Where she and I MIGHT disagree is the frequency in which submissives' feelings get dismissed in these forums, but I am more than willing to acknowledge that my impressions in that regard may not be born out as completely accurate by the facts. It is just my "feeling", after all.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

D/s... Dominant controls, submissive submits.... A Dominant sets the rules... if those rules are ones the submissive CAN'T accept then she is with the wrong damn Dominant. They are not compatible.

Are you trying to say negative destructive emotions such as jealousy are valued things? positive things? Don't make Me laugh! I lable them as negative because they are destructive to her and to a relationship.... where they are part of someone *I* Own I will change them over time... thats MY responcibility. something a girl sees and WANTS before they are going to get to the point of looking to submit to Me, part of the compatability...

...If the Domme dislikes a situation with a sub they change it.... if it can't be changed with that sub... probably the wrong sub

If a sub dislikes a situation with a Dom they submit to it.... if they can't submit to that Dom... probably the wrong Dom

If they are compatable then it works...

You and I do not disagree on this issue. If both partners want different things and cannot reconcile or compromise, then yes, they are incompatible. This holds true for any kind of relationship, whether vanilla or D/s.

However, this never had anything to do with my point that it appears as if submissives' feelings are given less consideration than Dominants'.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

...You seem to want to set out how a Dom makes their decisions, what decisions they will make.... want to write a script for him to follow? (Small h on Him there as someone who would allow that would NOT be taking a Dominant role!). You want the control, get your arse on the other side of the dynamic and take up the responcibility that goes with it....

I'm not sure where you came up with this as I've made no comments about how a Dominants should or should not make a decision. It appears to be nothing more than a not-so-veiled attempt at telling me that I'm not a "true" submissive.

Aside from that, you can beat your chest all you want proclaiming that you're the Dom and it's your right and choice and responsibility, but when push comes to shove, you've already given your ultimatum... it's YOUR way, or the highway... you've just set the deadline for compliance to some unknown time in the future. Your girl exercises her control by accepting and allowing that ultimatum to exist in her world. That's her choice and if it works for her, I think it's great. It allows you to be compatible right now.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

The ultimate reality in any consensual relationship (and no matter how anyone FEELS, we must all hold to consensuality as a given), is that you either accept it or you reject it. That really is the end of it. This doesn't matter if it's mono or poly, dom or sub, vanilla or kinky. Whatever situation you are in, you either say yes or say no.

Exactly. Thank you.

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RE: My Subbie wants other Domme...... - 2/3/2007 12:39:26 PM

RavenMuse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: demureone
However, this never had anything to do with my point that it appears as if submissives' feelings are given less consideration than Dominants'.

I will attempt one last time to go over this point and see if I can find whatever words will reach across what appears to be a VERY large chasm in understanding here.

Here on these boards many understand the dynamic.... when you are dealing with the decision maker then there is far more scope for how those feelings can be worked... so there is room for discussion.

If you are dealing with the person who is faced with a fete accompli, their only real choise is stay or go... what room is there for discussion?

Doesn't matter that both people have feelings, or that those feelings have value... one is using them to make a whole range of decisions... the other either complies or doesn't. The posters her know the choises, know the context of the D/s situation. Most of the time the sub will get "Talk to your Dom" because that is the only option there is. It doesn't matter what is said here, or indeed what the sub thinks... the decision is down to the Dom.

So of course they will recieve a diffrent responce. But it isn't that anyone is disregarding the feelings of the sub.... but those are the responcibility of the person to whom they have submitted.... in fact sometimes, filling a sub with 'support' can make the situation worse. By building expectations.... they go to their Dom with "But the folks on CM say.....".... and the Dom rightly responds "THEY don't own you... *I* do!"

See now the diffrence, it isn't a negative or dismissive attitude, mearly responding to the reality of the situation.

OF course IF it looks like the Dom is compleatly fucking up... being a dimdom... just stick around and watch the feeding frenzy that occurs when the sub in question asks for advice.... "Red flag... RUN!!!!" is the most common responce then!

< Message edited by RavenMuse -- 2/3/2007 12:43:32 PM >

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

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RE: My Subbie wants other Domme...... - 2/3/2007 2:15:50 PM

demureone

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Thank you! Now this makes sense to me.

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