Declaration of kink...

Declaration of kink... (Full Version)

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Kondolinni -> Declaration of kink... (1/23/2007 7:47:37 AM)
I've been a member of this site for a while, just started posting recently. Posting more here is part of a comprehensive plan I have underway to generally increase my footprint in both my online and local BDSM affiliations. I like posting here. Generally speaking, we are a witty, intelligent, creative community. We even have our cliques. Various posters declare their clique affiliation via the tenor of their responses to certain types of threads. The rankings are a neat feature. Veteran posters really stand out. What strikes me the most so far about the discussion here, however, is the fact that, as a group, we seem to ALL need a lot of validation. Not many posters openly admit to this need, but if you read A LOT of posts over a variety of threads, you can see the pattern. Doms, subs, Sadists, masochists, Tops, bottoms, TG's, TV's, and yes, even ubiquitous switches... everyone- well, ok, not EVERYONE, but almost everyone seems to be quietly or not so quietly seeking validation for their personal kink, or point of view regarding the BDSM world, et al. For a community that takes such pride in it's "ANYTHING GOES" attitudes, I find that remarkable. It took 6 years for me to personally define my D/s M/s code/goals/desires (kink). Whatever it is, and however it is viewed by others, it was, for me, a big comitment. Took a lot of hard work and soul searching to accomplish. In other words, it's kinda important to me. I frankly don't care who finds my particular brand of D/s acceptable or "real". But, for the sake of decalaration, and by way of a question/topic for discussion, here is my "kink". Care to define yours? My only stipulation for participation in this thread is that whatever you describe must be what you truly define as your personal kink. Where do you draw the line and say: this is what I REALLY want out of all this...? I am basically a "Daddy" type Dom. My needs center around a desire to be both very important to a female, and have a very feminine female companion. A demure, feminine submissive woman, with girlish personality qualities suits my tastes. These qualities have little or nothing to do with a girl's physical appearance. That she is submissive places her in a position to need the control of a Dominant. That she is a bit of a little girl in her mind/heart makes her want a Daddy to take care of her. Ideal women who fit this role tend to be flirtatious with their men. Coquetish. They don't mind tempting a man to pay them attention by using sexual means. I am a sensualist Dominant. My need to be obeyed center around service, both general and sexual. I play/scene, but usually to fill the needs of my submissive rather than owing to a personal desire. My needs and wants are sensual in nature. I like to have my orders obeyed. I like to be taken care of. I make my little girl feel special and pampered, and in return, her job is to take care of me and keep her Daddy happy. The more explicit the Daddy/little girl aspect, the more righteous the "kink" element of it all is for me. I use treats and field trips to reward good behavior. I punish with OTK spanking, lectures, and corner time. I want a long term relationship with a woman who is my loving, beloved, little girl slave. I make a decent living, including the means to travel some. I want a woman who will trade commited love and attention from a man who can take care of her for life for her obedience to his will and the fullfilment of his needs and desires as a man. I have no set rules of engagement, but generally, I talk to a new, prospective submissive for a month at least, often two, before meeting. Dating and exploring D/s M/s together can take another 6 months. At this point, I might tell a submissive I was considering her for collaring, which might take another 9-12 months to confirm. Their would be a negotiated, witnessed, signed agreement of Master/slave power exchange in place prior to an actual collaring. Collaring for me has a great deal more meaning than a marriage vow. I have a hard time explaining this to my vanilla freinds, but it's truely how I feel. Bottom line, right or wrong, this shit is important to me. Would be still even if everyone else suddenly decided they were going back to vanilla. I don't need outside validation, but you can compare, if you like. Or describe your own brand/flavor/kink/prediliction/pathos....

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Declaration of kink... (1/23/2007 7:54:39 AM)
Since I don't consider myself to be one of those seeking validation, I can't really say much to that. But many indeed are, many are afraid of being "not real enough" many are afraid to step out of the boxes they have created for themselves, many succumb to peer pressure, to fear, to frenzy, to anything BUT what their inner self desires. In the end they eventually either start listening or find themselves bouncing from place to place.

crouchingtigress -> RE: Declaration of kink... (1/23/2007 8:02:14 AM)
well i dont know if i agree with your assessment that we are all posting for validation....i think i post for the following reasons: boredom community fun interesting to tap into the stream of consciousness that i can access when writing to recognize my own opinions on things humor to wake up any one who wants a reality check (although i know that this is a silly reason in that folks are at the level they are at because it is where they are at and only tide and time can wake some one up) and because often i am procrastinating going in to the glass studio my point is that the whole bottom two paragraphs of your post seemed to be seeking validation, actually, and yet who cares?...

Kondolinni -> RE: Declaration of kink... (1/23/2007 8:18:29 AM)
I am not saying that validation is the only reason people post here. I am merely suggesting that the need underlies a lot of posts. A lot of people say outloud; "It's all good", and; "I'm cool"... but then turn around in another post and are either criticising someone else's kink/opinion, or defending their own. Obviously people post here for all kinds of reasons. One of my favorite reasons to be a contributing member on a board such as this is the sense you can get of a big group of people all united by a common interest, from all walks of life, with all kinds of lifestyles and values. Unity and diversity in the same relationships. Still, no matter how much the old timer members chide posters for contributing "been there, done that" topics, the same issues pop up again and again. There is an ongoing, under-current of discussion about what is right, wrong, valid, weak, wicked, whatever.... ie: lots of people seeking validation. I'm just saying, it seems to me such a group as represents the BDSM community should not require such validation. How can the credo be: "anything goes', and then so many of us be unsure if what we want or who we are is right? Isn't the whole point of a community like this that it is, at least, alright with US?

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Declaration of kink... (1/23/2007 8:26:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kondolinni Still, no matter how much the old timer members chide posters for contributing "been there, done that" topics, the same issues pop up again and again. There is an ongoing, under-current of discussion about what is right, wrong, valid, weak, wicked, whatever.... ie: lots of people seeking validation. Ahhhh discussing what's right/wrong/valid/weak/wicked isn't the same as seeking validation. I can get very enthusiastic in a bunch of threads and throw around a bunch of opinions of what I consider right and wrong and good and bad- that in no way should suggest I'm attempting to validate or invalidate anything. And no one chide's anyone for new threads on old topics unless it's a topic that's already been brought up once or twice in the same week, or if it's a topic that has no use other than to gripe and make personal bitching. quote: I'm just saying, it seems to me such a group as represents the BDSM community should not require such validation. How can the credo be: "anything goes', and then so many of us be unsure if what we want or who we are is right? Isn't the whole point of a community like this that it is, at least, alright with US? No. We're just like vanillas. I understand the initial illusion is that bdsm is about making your own rules and doing it your own way, but trust me, the first thing almost everyone does when they get into bdsm is to ask "How do I do this right?" They WANT rules, they WANT boxes, they WANT labels, they WANT to be "more special." Again- bdsm culture is no different than vanilla in those terms. And certainly not everything goes in bdsm- there's lots of things that are taboo. The point of a community like this, for me, is to allow me an outlet to express myself, share and hopefully show others that they should express who they are.

crouchingtigress -> RE: Declaration of kink... (1/23/2007 8:37:02 AM)
i like to hear myself think....i really like it...in fact i could put mental masturbation on the above list. one of the thing i like to think is about the word should...people should....we should....they should... i am not sure that word really serves the greatest purpose, it implies a blanket assessment of another persons or groups values that i am honestly not qualified to make... i am training myself so that anytime i hear myself thing it...i say to myself i should think of other stuff...[;)] i am probally being very esoteric this morning i apologize, and i am certainly not having a go at you, i you are obviously a lover of thinking too. my point is that we create our own suffering by creating the cages that other folks should live in...a. because it sucks to be put in a box or a cage, creating suffering for them, and b. because no one ever lives their lives how we would wish them to...so therefore we create suffering for ourselves.....lots and lots of it....a whole world full in fact.

desertdancer -> RE: Declaration of kink... (1/23/2007 8:44:56 AM)
I guess I have to ask, what's so wrong with seeking validation? Everyone does it at one point or another in their lifes. Who cares if it's in BDSM or in work or family? I personally couldn't care a less if someone wanted to shove a hamster up their ass while doing the hoky pokie, but the person hoppin' around on one foot with said hamster up the butt may just want to know that some other person out there likes to do that too. Yes, I think that each person needs to look inward and find validation from within, but, hey let's face it, not everyone is that self aware. Sometimes people just need to know that there are others out there feeling the same thing, wanting the same things. It sooths them, makes them feel more normal, gives them some attention they may be seeking. Maybe hearing LA tell me that she feels the need to have kiss stops with her partner sooths me when I'm feeling lonely for my partner. Whatever the case, if my typing on a page can help make another person feel soothed or at ease, I'm all for it. I think people want to feel a connection, even if it's only with people they see posting on a board someplace. People seek attention and validation, they seek a sense of belonging and community, no matter if they are BDSM or vanilla. I had a point, but I think I lost it somewhere in my sleepiness.. ~dancer

Kondolinni -> RE: Declaration of kink... (1/23/2007 8:48:41 AM)
A valid point...lol. Validation is an acceptable reason to participate.

Wildfleurs -> RE: Declaration of kink... (1/23/2007 9:04:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kondolinni Bottom line, right or wrong, this shit is important to me. Would be still even if everyone else suddenly decided they were going back to vanilla. I don't need outside validation, but you can compare, if you like. Or describe your own brand/flavor/kink/prediliction/pathos.... I think to some degree we all look for validation and acceptance - the trick is to get it from those close to you who actually know you, rather than an online board. I also think that the more secure someone is with their position, place, and choices in life the less validation they need from anyone. C~

obis -> RE: Declaration of kink... (1/23/2007 9:23:23 AM)
There definitely is a certain amount of validation and acceptance and approval looked for here, but I think that's pretty understandable. Humans are social creatures, we want to be part of the group, but many people spend huge parts of their lifetimes ashamed of, or embarrassed by, their BDSM desires. It was something they had to hide and could never be proud of -- until they logged on and found a group of people who accepted everything they liked and considered it "normal". So it's great that folks can come on here and say crazy things and be supported for the first time. Or debate the merits of whipping vs flogging without anyone mentioning that they're both horrible and wrong. My most recent slave said she fell in love with me in part because I was the first person to ever talk with her and accept her without judging. All the things she'd kept hidden and was criticized for were perfectly normal to me, and she felt like a good person when she was with me. I think that's pretty normal when people are starting out -- God knows I was screwed up for several years trying to reconcile feminism and equality with my desire to be served and control. We all get comfortable at our own pace, and we can do that partly by being around others who are comfortable and validate us so that we know it's not "bad" to want the things we want.

BRNaughtyAngel -> RE: Declaration of kink... (1/23/2007 10:20:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kondolinni Coquettish. I like that word. As for participation in the discussions, because I am new to all of this and in a new relationship, I don't really have much to offer when it comes to BDSM relationship specifics. But I do get A LOT out of the discussions and they often provide me with personal epiphanies and food for thought. And they provide me with a lot of giggles too. [sm=lol.gif] The biggest thing for me is that I finally don't feel like an outcast for being this way and having these feelings. I'm not alone! [:)] So maybe that's the validation part...... I dunno. [&:]

mbes -> RE: Declaration of kink... (1/23/2007 10:59:11 AM)
After all the years and years of being told that I "should" do this, and "should not" want that, it's damn good to just hang out with people for a little while who want and do things that are far from the normal shoulds. The bonus is finding out that they're every bit as normal (whatever that means) as anyone else out there. That means my little kinky self can be classified as normal, too. So yeah, validation is a big part of why I'm glad I found this place.

Celeste43 -> RE: Declaration of kink... (1/23/2007 11:43:22 AM)
Validation is not, per se, a bad thing to ask for. In general if you post something and you get fifty people telling you this is not a bright idea, the odds are it really isn't a bright idea. Sometimes you know you are more knowledgable in the area under discussion than most of those who offer their opinions, so you ignore the majority and target your questions to those who are knowledgable. We've got a D/lg sort of relationship. A lot of teacher/student in it. I'm always the teacher's pet! Service doesn't matter to him and it doesn't float my boat. He doesn't much care if I spend all day making coq au vin or if I pick up a chicken parm hero as long as there's something hot and filling at the dinner hour. Emotional transparency is what he wants, me trusting him all the way and turning over all the emotions which I'm ashamed of, when I'm not acting like Ms Cool and Collected, not a hair out of place. He wants my authentic and messy emotions. And he doesn't interpret me crying on his shoulder as emotional blackmail, thank God. What else? Oh yeah, we tend not to talk so much about just sex but that's also what he wants, me being free enough to come and say "I'm horny, please have sex with me". He likes that a lot, I'm still working on it, on fear of being rejected. Indirect communication is easier for me, if I rub up against him and he doesn't pick up on it then I haven't been rejected. Putting my need right out there in the open is scary. Emotional transparency again. Edited to add: collaring. As I said in another thread, he saw me, he wanted me, he got me. We had talked constantly for a month before meeting, he knew what he was looking for and decided upon meeting me that I was it. I never had a chance, thank God. I was collared within a month and still am some nearly four years later.

littlesarbonn -> RE: Declaration of kink... (1/23/2007 11:48:12 AM)
I don't need any validation from the people here. I'm quite comfortable with what I am, and what I stand for. If 99 percent of the people here think I'm a fake, I'm still going to wake up tomorrow knowing I'm a happy service submissive, constantly striving to be the best that I can be in whatever circumstances I find myself in. What I DO find however, is a great deal of people quite often feel a need to chime in on my lifestyle, indicating whether or not they agree with it, or feel I'm not what they perceive is right for what I claim to be. I always find that interesting, but in my years of talking about slavery on the Internet, it really hasn't changed all that much. People have always done that. You either gain a thicker skin, or you end up complaining a lot. I've been trying to do the "thicker skin" route these days because complaining is way too easy and of very little constructive nature.

SlyStone -> RE: Declaration of kink... (1/23/2007 4:22:26 PM)
quote: The point of a community like this, for me, is to allow me an outlet to express myself, share and hopefully show others that they should express who they are That may be true for you, but the reality is that very few people express who they really are in person let alone on a board such as this. In general people express what they think others want to hear and what will win them approval among their peers. On the internet that action is magnified one hundred fold. I don't think it's so much a quest for validation that drives some people to post, it is more often an attempt to be part of and conform to a group of like minded souls so that they will know that they are not alone. I think acceptance is a far more powerful need than validation.

Devilslilsister -> RE: Declaration of kink... (1/23/2007 7:05:13 PM)
i honestly got my validation through my Master. Atleast i think i did. I'm pretty sure i did. I finally opened up to some one fully and i was accepted. That is good enough for me! i post because like crouching tigress, i also like to hear my self think. Putting my thoughts out "there" helps me organize and figure out my own thoughts better. Also, because sometimes i cant get a damn thought out of my head until i throw it out to some public. Sometimes its a way to blow off steam, other times its a great way to get pissy with out hurting those in my life, sometimes its just so i can act like an ass and enjoy it.. other times its just for the laughs. Sometimes i purely post because the response that pops in my head has me falling over with laughter. I amuse myself greatly. Other times i just like to argue. Sometimes i post just because there are many ppl on this site that i like and i like what they've said. Or i'm bored and i wonder if anything interestings popped up. Sometimes i shut myself off in my world too much and i need some where to talk with other human beings. Other times some of the things i think, i wouldnt tell another living breathing soul so this is a great place for a sounding board. Sometimes its merely to get clarification on something. I dont think validation is a bad reason to post. We ALL need it some way or another, i am just lucky to have gotten it another way. i honestly dont care any more what others think. Sly, if thats true, what the hell is wrong with me? P.S. i think i post most of the time because i'm just a talkative person. Its genetic = )

SlyStone -> RE: Declaration of kink... (1/23/2007 7:22:54 PM)
quote: I dont think validation is a bad reason to post. We ALL need it some way or another, i am just lucky to have gotten it another way. i honestly dont care any more what others think. Sly, if thats true, what the hell is wrong with me? Let's see. I think your post is spot on and your picture is hot. I don't know, what the fuck IS wrong with you?

HatesParisHilton -> RE: Declaration of kink... (1/23/2007 7:44:12 PM)
I think the definition of "validation" in this thread is somewhat limited. And painted with a fairly pejorative brush. There are more types of validation than are being reff'd here or generally seen on message boards. example: somtimes, in posting, you might see whom answers, from your relatively immediate area/locality, or even your culture/nation as a whole. In that, you can find how many people in your region are willing to "pipe up". Or not. That gives you a barometer, a yardstick. On almost EVERY board (this one included but not limiting my statement to this one), the BULK, the greater aggregate, of people speaking their minds or merely "bothering" to post are yanks. After that, come the Britpoms. After that? almost NOBODY. And you can tell more from how people post, and how serious they are, than by profiles. This is true of places like b.com too, easy to verify, just look at the regional sections. A validation of "most people in my region can't be bothered to even voice an opinion, so wy should I bother trying hard for them, male or female" still validates something you might need to know. Or invalidate other cultural bullshit that floats around the world right now (such as the rampant anti-yank and to a lesser degree, anti pom attitude). I can declare my kinks all I like. I learn more from the women in my area that are members of collar that declare NOTHING. and post nothing. That is still a validation, just not in the way that has been presented in any posts on this thread. A validation that is useful as hell to me, though.

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