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prettichinadoll -> Illustion of Power (1/20/2007 5:22:48 PM)
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'How does one man assert his power over another, Winston?'
Winston thought. 'By making him suffer,' he said.
'Exactly. By making him suffer. Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? Power is in inflicting pain and humiliation. Power is in tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing.
George Orwell, 1984—Part III, Chapter3
In this life style, or should we say life in general, we live in many illusions. While Vanilla people live in the illusion of morality, social norm, or this so called “American dream”, we live in the illusion of “power”, of “responsibility”, of “trust”. But in this little article, I want to talk about the illusion of power.
The quote you read at the beginning is from George Orwell’s classic 1984. I have to say that some part of this book is rather dry, but Part III is simply brilliant. The conversations between poor Winston and cruel yet charming O'Brien are the most remarkable of the entire book. But I found the above quote particularly…what should be the right word? “interesting”? No, it’s more than interesting, it’s almost inspiring. It speaks out the true essence of power of one person over others.
You assert your power over others through making them suffer. Not through fun, not through making them happy, or making them better…but through their unwillingness to obey. Please note, the idea is not simply “obey” but the “unwillingness” of obey.
I’ve been in this lifestyle for roughly a year, and I’ve never stop thinking all the concepts we’re speaking of every day. Power exchange, dominate and submission, Control, responsibility…I’m sure many of you have said or heard more than once something like “I will tear you apart, break you down, and put you together as I please.” Yes, of course, that’s the true, ultimate power one could ever have over another person. How could you be sure you “own” a certain someone completely? Tear him apart, exam every little componate, CPU, hard drive, video card, sound card...keep those you want, throw away those you don't, and put something new there...and there you have it, your own brand new PC! What? we're not talking about PC, but a live breathing human being? ....
Many said it without a faintest idea what it means, and many (like me) listen to you with all the pinky rosy romantic ideas.
When you think about this, I mean, really sit down, in the middle of the night, when you don’t need to face any one but yourself, you probably will realize behind all the loving, caring…or whatever mask you would like to put on this power, the power itself, the absolute power in the DS fantasy land, the power over another person, is quite horrible. What’s that familiar saying? “Absolute power creates absolute corruption”. Just think about what O’Brien achieved in Winston by the end of 1984, he successfully torn his mind to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of his own choosing. Winston became what the government wants, a perfect lawful, “big brother” loving citizen. And he became, against his will, what he was afraid and disgusted the most. That’s the ultimate power we are talking about!
But, I know what you've been thinking about--Consent!
Yes, we should never forget this little word that makes every thing OK. After all, we're not talking about 1984 here, but "modern consensual BDSM". But the paradox in “consent” is how do you know you’re actually controlling another person, or simply doing him a big favor? High protocol, TPE…we have a lot of fancy names for power. But the truth be told, no one is controlling anyone, no one has power over other people. We’re playing in a big fantasy world of power exchange.
Not long ago, I read a post saying “submission is not a gift”. Although the words in that post are somewhat harsh, the idea actually makes a lot of sense. It makes a lot of more sense than “I’ll tear you apart and build you up again according to my will”. The idea of that post is simply submission is not a gift you freely give to your dom. It something a sub give away in return of what she needs. It's not a gift but a currency so to speak.
There’s no such thing as “ultimate power over other people” in consensual BDSM. It’s an illusion we create. Power exchange, more than often, when we read this phrase, we read “power” but ignore “exchange”. It’s an exchange. I give something you need, in exchange for something I need.
Please understand, I never say the illusion of power is bad or wrong or anything. It’s just a fact. After all, we don’t need "slavery" in its historical sense. As a submissive, I have a desire to be controlled. It’s a need of mine. A dom controlling me is in a way doing me a huge favor of fulfilling that need. As a dom, you have a desire to control people, it’s a need of you, and I’m doing you a big favor by letting you control me. I’m fulfilling my needs in fulfilling yours. A wonderful positive circle. Everyone is happy.
I’m not sure if I make my point quite clear. As a Chinese, it’s a bad habit of mine to circling around the point and often lost my American readers half way. But before I end this, I would like to bring your attention to a little story I heard from a friend of a friend…so to speak.
Once upon a time, there’s a Mistress and her slave. The Mistress wanted to bring another slave into this house and started a poly family. After discussing with her slave, both of them decided to give a try. But, eventually the poly family failed because the slave can not deal with poly situation.
I’m sure if she wanted, she could make it happen. She could “tear her monogamous slave apart, and build him into poly” according to this wonderful BDSM myth of power. Should this Mistress force her slave to do the poly nonetheless? Would it make her more “dominate” or “mistress-like” if she just did it anyway? Does stopping the poly family “according to her slave’s will” make her a service dom? Who is in control here?
I don’t think she can do it. She doesn’t have “control” of her slave. She loves him way too much to control him. She loves him way too much to assert power over him through his suffering. All she wanted, like anyone in love, is for him to be happy, for him to be more than he could ever be by himself. In a way, the slave is controlling the Mistress, the same way the Mistress is controlling the slave. Power, or control, in this relationship (and in most of the consensual BDSM relationship) is an illusion. Because apparently, the “suffering” the slave endure is almost always what he needs, namely during play.
Were they going through rough times? Did they stick to each other? of course they did. They both endured a lot of heart breaks for their relationship to work. But rather saying it’s because of control or power, it’s because of love. Isn’t that true for most relationships, BDSM or vanilla?
The essence of a BDSM relationship is, like any other relationship, not power, but love. Just my humble opinion…but, doms, when you write in your profile something like “I’ll tear you apart and build you back up according to my will”, or you get into this lifestyle looking for this “ultimate power over another human being”, go read 1984, and you’ll know, that kind of power in reality is an illusion. We can play with it all we like, but don’t believe, and certainly don’t live it.
And my fellow subbies, you’re your own person. No one can “tear you apart, and build you up anew”, unless you don’t have this thing called “self”…in that case, you’re already apart, and I doubt anyone could put you together. Play games all you like (don’t we love playing…), but when it comes to everyday life reality, know what you’re looking for, know what it is behind all those fancy words. be smart and be safe.
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