Help and advise

Help and advise (Full Version)

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LadyCrazy -> Help and advise (1/17/2007 4:04:32 AM)
Can anyone help me with some advise please? I am new at the BDSM scene and have been chatting to a sub male and have explained to him that i am new to the scene and that when we do meet up i want to take things slowly until i gain some experience but he tells me that there is no such word in the BDSM scene as slow. Can anyone help?

MsSonnetMarwood -> RE: Help and advise (1/17/2007 4:35:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyCrazy Can anyone help me with some advise please? I am new at the BDSM scene and have been chatting to a sub male and have explained to him that i am new to the scene and that when we do meet up i want to take things slowly until i gain some experience but he tells me that there is no such word in the BDSM scene as slow. Can anyone help? You're right - take it slow. Unfortunately you'll find that slapping the "male sub" label on themselves doesn't necessarily make it so, and there are those who are highly manipulative with the sole goal of getting you to do exactly what they want.

ladysekhmetka -> RE: Help and advise (1/17/2007 5:09:43 AM)
And here I was going to make some glib comment... One can go slowly into the realms beyond... I say this from personal experience. My dearest and I have slowly but surely stepped from "A little rope in bed" to more interesting things over the course of about two years.

Celeste43 -> RE: Help and advise (1/17/2007 5:13:42 AM)
The Man is a great believer in the word slow. From the beginning he was clear that he wanted me to want to come back for more. Going too fast, too soon is a way to scare any beginner off. The other thing here is that you are the dominant. You decide the right speed, for both of you. There have been times I've wanted more and he's decided I've had enough for now. Please make it clear to any future sub that they must be willing to go at your speed. If they insist you do what they want, then who really is in charge? Besides you're smart to take your time, learn how to do stuff safely, and leave both of you wanting more. Toss him back into the pool and find a better sub.

Rover -> RE: Help and advise (1/17/2007 5:50:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyCrazy Can anyone help me with some advise please? I am new at the BDSM scene and have been chatting to a sub male and have explained to him that i am new to the scene and that when we do meet up i want to take things slowly until i gain some experience but he tells me that there is no such word in the BDSM scene as slow. Can anyone help? Personally, I would begin by explaining to this prospective submissive that there is such a thing as control, and that if we were to develop a relationship, as Dominant I would be in control. Then I might muse that, whether "slow" had ever existed previously is a moot point, because it would exist in our relationship the moment that I decided that it existed. That being the nature of control. I might turn this experience into an opportunity to teach a lesson or two. About what other people do in their relationships is immaterial. About how "common" is not the same as "universal". About how a power exchange relationship dynamic is not a community function. And about a dozen other, related issues. That is, of course, what I would choose to do personally. What you choose is up to you. John

onestandingstill -> RE: Help and advise (1/17/2007 6:25:34 AM)
I fully agree if indeed this man is submissive the path and timing of your steps are only YOUR CHOICE to make. On top of that if you want him to go slow in something you also have that control. I consider myself more of a bottom as I have a really hard time with going slow myself. The thing is I know I'm impatient and that makes things I do sometimes wrong as it's my job to do as my Dominant directs. Timing is not in a sub's control, and when like me I push it's a completely unacceptable act on my part worthy of punishment intended or not. That's how the energy exchange works from the top end to the bottom. If I say I am Your sub, I should be able to submit my will and my wants (NOT my NEEDS) to your control to use as you please. It's like he's supposed to be your butler and your well behaved seal. Your job is to value that loyalty and not pervert or exploit it. His job is not my will but yours be done according to your word. suzanne

onestandingstill -> RE: Help and advise (1/17/2007 6:32:55 AM)
ps: the web site frugaldomme.com is a wonderful resource page for you. The books Screw The Roses Send Me The Thorns and Different Loving, and of course John Warren (a forum participant here in collarme) has written many books including "the author of The Loving Dominant, Safe Sane Consensual and Fun, Murder at Roissy, Torquemada Killer and High Tech Toys." he's mentioned these in his profile. Reading all you can and interacting with others will help you learn a lot not only about this life, but more so about yourself. Good luck and good wishes for an amazing journey of self discovery in your walking life. suzanne

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Help and advise (1/17/2007 8:13:27 AM)
You're the Dominant. You can do this how you please. If he doesn't agree with how you want to do things, he can move on. Master Fire

Aubre -> RE: Help and advise (1/17/2007 8:16:57 AM)
He's full of it. Some of the most enjoyable things you can do in the BDSM world are done very slowly. He's just horny.

LadyCrazy -> RE: Help and advise (1/17/2007 8:40:20 AM)
I would like to thank everyone that has replied to my post and i have read everything everyone has said and thank you so much for the good advise. I am going to get those books suzanne and i am also going to tell this sub that i am the boss not him and there is such a thing as slowly. LadyCrazy

WorldofSilence -> RE: Help and advise (1/17/2007 10:31:06 AM)
Hello. Good on you LadyCrazy, I'm (was) in something simliar there is slow, because I'm not ashamed to admit that I am still learning and hopefully one day I'll have someone to take that beautiful journey with, everything is a learning curve. There are certain things I do which are "quick" and some which are slow I like introducing things over time, as I enjoy studying and seeing what expressions that person makes, so I can better communicate with said person. As everyone said you dictate the speed, if they have problems with it then fair enough, you might be better off without them. I have problems with the wanting of seeing them and their expressions, and takes a while for them to see past the "Quick thrill" they think I want, it's one thing you learn with Me everything has a plan and I don't do "quick". So your not alone in this :) I wish you a fantastic journey. WoS

Mercnbeth -> RE: Help and advise (1/17/2007 11:04:19 AM)
quote: i want to take things slowly until i gain some experience but he tells me that there is no such word in the BDSM scene as slow. If he doesn't like "slow" tell him there is another word common in both the vanilla and BDSM world - STOP. Ask him his preference giving him the choice of the two.

MySweetSubmssive -> RE: Help and advise (1/17/2007 11:18:25 AM)
What is true about BDSM is that there are no absolutes. Anytime someone says "there's no ... " or "always," feel free to run away or laugh. I am a slow mover myself, and have gotten a lot of back-draft from men who I would class as kinksters or horndogs (but not submissives). Feedback like "you're going too slow" is a great way to seperate wheat from chaff. A good submissive (I realize we all have different criteria) will be a good listener and willing to follow your lead. I hope you find someone to explore that with! MSS

MistressYlwa -> RE: Help and advise (1/17/2007 12:40:29 PM)
Slow is not exclusive to someone new in the lifestyle. I start each relationships slow. Each sub is different and I want to make sure I am aware of their body and what it can take, as well as their needs and if they can be met. Anyone who would want to rush the process does not have much experience or lacks the self control I demand from mine. Good luck. You have come to the right place. The people on the forums offer the best information and advice. Read more than I post. lol But you can find the answer to most any question here. Mistress Ylwa

LadyCrazy -> RE: Help and advise (1/17/2007 1:52:28 PM)
Thank you all again for taking the time to reply to my post, i am just waiting for him to come back online and will be talking to him and if he dont like it then he can sling his hook. LadyCrazy

WorldofSilence -> RE: Help and advise (1/17/2007 3:38:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressYlwa Slow is not exclusive to someone new in the lifestyle. I start each relationships slow. Each sub is different and I want to make sure I am aware of their body and what it can take, as well as their needs and if they can be met. Anyone who would want to rush the process does not have much experience or lacks the self control I demand from mine. Good luck. You have come to the right place. The people on the forums offer the best information and advice. Read more than I post. lol But you can find the answer to most any question here. Mistress Ylwa I must admit thats comforting to hear :) I'm going "slow" as I want to gain the experince and also for My reasons that I enjoy. WoS P.S I'm a highjacker ain't I :/

crouchingtigress -> RE: Help and advise (1/17/2007 5:00:10 PM)
he is right though in the sense that you can be going along just great, and then suddenly the breaks go out, and your careening down hill thinking you have it under control....so be careful and have a plan. what does he want to speed up? what specifically is he wanting to explore? the relationship or the sex part? a good way to slow things down, and to educate yourself on where he is coming from, and establish control would be any time he pushes something, to have him write about it...in fact it would be useful for you to have him keep a journal and have him write about his impatience and how that part of him may have caused conflict and catastrophe in his past...IMO the boy should look at that for himself, and i will guess that he will come to the decision on his own that he wants to go slower. a journal also has a fourth benefit, it allows you to read things he has on his mind and go off and research them (if they interest you) and come back to him from the place of having control.....its a secret Dom trick....dont tell any one....[;)] welcome to the fora....hope you hang out here, there is lots to be learned.

whisperedsighs -> RE: Help and advise (1/17/2007 6:31:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyCrazy Can anyone help me with some advise please? I am new at the BDSM scene and have been chatting to a sub male and have explained to him that i am new to the scene and that when we do meet up i want to take things slowly until i gain some experience but he tells me that there is no such word in the BDSM scene as slow. Can anyone help? I would say, "I am the Top, I am in control, and we will go as slow as I damn well please. You don't like it, move on." .....LOL Really though I wouldn't trust anyone who is trying to push, or rush me beyond my comfort level. Take things at your speed.

arfetishman -> RE: Help and advise (1/17/2007 7:15:22 PM)
If he does not understand Slow then there is always- No.[;)]

LadyCrazy -> RE: Help and advise (1/18/2007 4:06:24 AM)
All the advise i have read has been really helpful to me i cant thank you all enough or it. In reply to crouchingtigress he was asking what i would be wearing when we met and then he told me what he wanted me to do to him in detail, I think thats it was more about what he wants and not what we both should want.

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