Submissive in relationship....

Submissive in relationship.... (Full Version)

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slavejali -> Submissive in relationship.... (1/11/2007 4:43:45 PM)
I think, because I am submissive in relationship, this is the one fact that makes me a slave. I've submitted to not so healthy relationship situations and incredibly healthy ones. The fact is also, the very act of submission itself makes me dependent on my partner. I'm totally ok with that and don't feel any need to heal myself from it. When I was young-(er)...I didn't really have the knowledge of the possible repercussions of my submissiveness when it came to getting involved with other people. I felt entirely fulfilled within an abusive situation, simply because it satiated my need within relationship to submit and feel owned and used and dominated. Today I can write about my morals and ethics within relationship, because basically years have ticked away and I have had the experience to understand the repercussions that occur within me when different types of things happen. Example: Today I can say 'if this thing occurred my ability to submit and be slave would be jeopardised"...yet I couldnt have said that years ago...in fact years ago, different sitautions did occur that went totally against my ethics (unknown to me at the time) and i did still submit..but those situations ate away at me..leaving me with the feeling that there was only a flicker of life left inside me and the slightest breeze would blow it out. Example: Years ago when my partner slept with other people, I would feel the hurt, I would feel the betrayal, but would always make exuses within myself to justify his actions and make it ok..so that my submission could continue..I was enslaved.. Years ago, I would sleep with other people because it made my partner happy, yet everytime i did, it ate away at my sense of what relationship was and so displaced me within that relationship till I did not know who I was. I was no longer my own person, but his slave... Years ago, I;ve tried to please an unpleasable partner to the point of utter exhuastion, emotionally, mentally and physically..enslaved fully... None of these actions meant that I was uncreative, uneducated, unwhatever..however if he said jump, no matter how long it took for him to break me down to his will, I would. The power he had over me was my submission nature towards intimate relationship...it kept me there. When I eventually left that relationship, I went through a period of thinking that my submission was a bad thing. At that time in my life i was healing, I did a lot of research into various things. I was a ward of the state and so had counsellers from the family law place come and interview me from time to time during my childhood to see how I was doing, I gained access to those records and it was so strange for me to see a whole monologue about my relationship with my first partner. Statements such as "It's of concern of the obvious control her boyfriend has over her.." That was a totally weird thing to read, someone else making an opinion about your life and relationships. Anyways, at that time, reading stuff like that, confirmed to me that how i was being in relationships was unhealthy and had led to all my suffering. I had no clue how to have a relationship without being submissive, so I just didn't have one. I injected myself into life and into everything that didn't include an intimate relationship that would lead to submission. This was a wonderful period of my life, I learnt and experienced so much..I found myself again, or perhaps i found myself more fully than I had ever known before. Then as fate would have it, I found myself in my very first BDSM master/slave relationship. It was then that I realised my submissive self was not a bad thing, my dependency was not a bad thing....it was the ingredient that would make for a most amazing beautiful relationship dependent on the fact that my "other" the dominant side of the relationship had his shit together. I've been the submissive half now to 3 relationships since that first relationship..and each of those subsequent relationships have been soo incredible. i have been enslaved to those partners..fully...and its been a productive liason because of the attitude of the dominant partner and his ability to use me in productive ways. I wonder though, when I do make statements like "if this such and such a thing happened, my submission and slavery would be threatened"...how much validity that has...because simply, its never been tested..I haven't had a partner since that time who has threatened my ethics..and i wonder if it did happen whether I would jsut repeat the same submissive (enslaved) attitude to it that I did in my first relationship..and all my sprouting of..."I wouldn't be submissive or enslaved anymore" is all bullshit. I guess realistically, the only change would be that i would know now the repercussion of my choice to accept that thing that is going against what I believe to be true inside me...and that knowledge would over-ride the event being able to eat me away on the inside because I' more conscious now of embracing my submission as myself and knowing it is my submission that feeds me, rather than events itself. My submission(slavery) within relationship has never changed, however I guess in my explorations through the course of my life, I've realised that every choice we make is going to have an effect and a deep impact on our lives and so realised how incredibly important those moments of choice are in our lives. Once you've been taken you're fucked as a submissive if you've made the wrong choice. I think, submissives, by their very action of being submissive, lose the ability of choice after being taken, and that is what it is to be enslaved. Well..there are my thoughts for the day. Any thoughts?

Fawne -> RE: Submissive in relationship.... (1/11/2007 5:01:59 PM)
slavejali: all I can say is thank you. What you said is so deep, thoughtful, open, beautiful. BTW: I do agree. Enslavement.... once that hook is in there deep, ... I have felt this, but I am not nearly as experienced as many, so don't have the words. enough from me. Thanks again for sharing...

daddysliloneds -> RE: Submissive in relationship.... (1/11/2007 6:09:56 PM)
quote: I think, submissives, by their very action of being submissive, lose the ability of choice after being taken, and that is what it is to be enslaved. glad we don't think alike! whether submissive, slave, or anything else you want to call yourself, as long as you are a living, breathing human being, you always have the ability of choice, taken or not! way too many people use that one thought as an excuse/cop-out, for a huge number of things, including taking responsibility for their own actions/in-actions!

slavejali -> RE: Submissive in relationship.... (1/11/2007 6:17:13 PM)
dadsyliloneds, you've never been so totally overcome by something that you become a part of it, no divisible line between you? Thinking of something more easily grasped..perhaps a moment of smelling a rose and the scent intoxicates you so much that you become one with it, just for a moment, in surrender..there is no thought of breaking free from it, there is no choice, it has overcome you... Or, never been to a rock concert and been so caught up in the energy of the concert, it overcomes you, you become one with it... From my experience in relationships....that experience is entirely possible on a day to day basis.

bandit25 -> RE: Submissive in relationship.... (1/11/2007 6:30:33 PM)
I'm glad this was brought up. Of course, I've felt, momentarily, that I've had no choice...that I have been overtaken. But, for me, that is not something that is sustainable. I always have a choice...I think we all do. Staying with someone because of overpowering feelings/emotions...to me, is still a choice. You would be bereft without that person, so you choose not to be. Even not choosing is still a choice...you choose not to choose. Edited to add: I am certainly not negating your experiences...I simply would like to understand.

juliaoceania -> RE: Submissive in relationship.... (1/11/2007 6:47:43 PM)
quote: Once you've been taken you're fucked as a submissive if you've made the wrong choice. I think, submissives, by their very action of being submissive, lose the ability of choice after being taken, and that is what it is to be enslaved. Well..there are my thoughts for the day. Gosh I can relate to feeling that way (the part that I emboldened). I was able in the end to make choices good for me. It took a long time and a lot of healing to not feel that way.

Devilslilsister -> RE: Submissive in relationship.... (1/11/2007 7:02:01 PM)
Thank you for posting this jali, its something i struggle with. i was once in an unhealthy relationship where i was enslaved, yet not his slave. I was absolutetly enslaved by this man and i couldnt escape, nor did apart of me want to. I wanted the "good times" - yet the bad times were destroying my soul and me. i had become something that i dont think anyone could comprehend, yet a part of me was still left that was screaming "save yourself". To me - what i gave that man put me some where that a few have a small idea of yet no one completely knows. It brought me to hell and no one ever needs to know what that entails. I know there are some parts of me that equate hell with it. I often catch myself doing things for Master that i had done for that man. I've had to tell myself "it is okay to do this" (something simple like holding an item until Master needed it and patiently waiting for his cue after retrieving it). For me it was an unexpected road that ended me up where i ended up years ago. I was completely naive and really had no clue what was going on. I do not want to be blind sighted again and i look for my own actions that put me in the spot to take a road to hell. Like what you said "equating submission to a bad thing" Yet it was 8 years ago and i have long since healed from the relationship. Sometimes it catches me. quote: I think, submissives, by their very action of being submissive, lose the ability of choice after being taken, and that is what it is to be enslaved. I dont know if that is what it means to be enslaved. I do believe that once one is "taken", aye choice is an iffy thing. Yet, i think one can make the choice to force their enslavement away from them. Thank you for posting this. Its good to hear from those that have completely reached the other side of certian issues.

crouchingtigress -> RE: Submissive in relationship.... (1/11/2007 7:07:27 PM)
you know jali i have often said that the path to becoming a slave is a series of nourishing choices and i hold that to be true, but your post reminds me that it can also be a series of non-nourishing choices....and those that have submissive tendency's need to hype aware of their nature and ever diligent in their choices.

Devilslilsister -> RE: Submissive in relationship.... (1/11/2007 7:09:57 PM)
quote: Staying with someone because of overpowering feelings/emotions...to me, is still a choice Sometimes there is no choice. Sometimes you get warped by other people, they get in your head, know how you tick and can play you according to this information. I tried many times unsuccessfully to get away from that relationship when i was 18. Yet he always knew what would pull me back. It gets in your head..... and once some one is in your head.. if its not a healthy person, you're liable to be screwed. Its actually not that hard to dive into some ones head. Especially if you have a trusting person that is open with you and you know what you are doing. Its hard to explain being so far away from it all now.. but the way your head gets damn warped.... getting yourself to get out is harder then you can imagine. On top of that with them working against you (so you basically have you and him working against yourself). Its a tough battle. I eventually got myself to a place where i could get out by making a conscious choice to get back into herion, knowing that it would enslave me more then him. I also tried suicide. Two things he could not "pull" me back with yet he still had a hold on me none the less. I eventually moved several states away and he some how ended up in jail. But i did do it because it was either finding my escape or being completely dead on the inside and i was perilously cose as it was.

MzMia -> RE: Submissive in relationship.... (1/11/2007 7:11:31 PM)
Thank you for taking the time to explain your feelings so eloquently. It seems to take a very deep level of trust and commitment to become a “slave”, to most thinking people. Congratulations on taking that leap of faith “slavejali”. Thank you for expressing it so well.

bandit25 -> RE: Submissive in relationship.... (1/11/2007 7:13:20 PM)
It's so hard for me to understand. I guess I've never had anyone enslave me to the point where I felt I had no choice. At times, yes, but in the long run, the choice to leave, to walk away was always mine to make. I'm not sure how I feel about this...

slavejali -> RE: Submissive in relationship.... (1/11/2007 7:17:05 PM)
quote: Edited to add: I am certainly not negating your experiences...I simply would like to understand. bandit, no worries at all, thanks for contributing your thoughts [:)] quote: I was able in the end to make choices good for me. It took a long time and a lot of healing to not feel that way. Guess time and experience can be our teachers..whatever doesnt kill us makes us stronger hey [:)] quote: For me it was an unexpected road that ended me up where i ended up years ago. I was completely naive and really had no clue what was going on. I do not want to be blind sighted again and i look for my own actions that put me in the spot to take a road to hell. I can relate to that... quote: Sometimes there is no choice. Sometimes you get warped by other people, they get in your head, know how you tick and can play you according to this information. I tried many times unsuccessfully to get away from that relationship when i was 18. Yet he always knew what would pull me back. It gets in your head..... and once some one is in your head.. if its not a healthy person, you're liable to be screwed. Its actually not that hard to dive into some ones head. So so true that... quote: and those that have submissive tendency's need to hype aware of their nature and ever diligent in their choices. That's pretty much the conclusion I've come to...it can be a long painful road but entirely worth it in the end [:)] I think one of the main things I realised was, not to throw the baby out with the bathwater grin

slavemaia -> RE: Submissive in relationship.... (1/11/2007 7:32:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slavejali dadsyliloneds, you've never been so totally overcome by something that you become a part of it, no divisible line between you? Thinking of something more easily grasped..perhaps a moment of smelling a rose and the scent intoxicates you so much that you become one with it, just for a moment, in surrender..there is no thought of breaking free from it, there is no choice, it has overcome you... Or, never been to a rock concert and been so caught up in the energy of the concert, it overcomes you, you become one with it... From my experience in relationships....that experience is entirely possible on a day to day basis. The closest i've come to this type of synergy has been in performing, where i and the music are one - there is no me and the music, there is just the music - the song, the vibration. That is what gets transmitted to an audience and tends to make them become enamored with the performer. It's not the performer who is the energy but the music rushing through the performer. That energy reaches out to the audience and giving them something overwhelmingly beautiful. In turn the audience feels compelled to return love to that music, but they mistakenly think it's the performer they love. Personally, i have no desire to be that consumed in or by my relationship. Although i have those times, typically the more intimate ones where i can just let go and be His whatever He wishes for that time, once the intimacy has lessoned i return to the feeling of separateness and my own individuality. my enslavement revolves much more around my own principles than to any other human. In this respect i doubt i could ever do, or want to do anything, against my own principles. i think sometimes it can become pretty blurry in that there's this drive to surrender totally to another. Spiritually i strive to surrender to whatever goodness there is within me - whatever pure unselfishness that exists, but i can never sustain it. my past influences my present, and where it would be nice if i were more trusting, the reality is i'm not, where it would be nice if i were less fearful of hurt, the reality is i can only hope to grow toward less fear and more trust. And so i think, what does my enslavement mean to me? The feeling of being owned is incredible, but only to the degree that i feel safe with my Owner. Obedience is delicious, but only when there is no conflict with my principles and self-respect. Surrender and submission are wonderful as long as there is no abuse. So i ask all slaves and subs? Just what is it you are truly slave to? For me it's actually my own principles and even Master comes after that. i used to steal things from stores because i felt so ripped off by the society in general. But once i understood the principle of like attracts like - and really got it deeply, i could no longer steal. And so for me my enslavement is really about my own deep spiritual awareness. i no longer have a choice but to be obedient to that. i can offer my Master my submission, surrender to His will in most things and seek to please and serve Him, but only in compliance with my own principles. And i always do this of my own choice although it can at times feel like it's not.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Submissive in relationship.... (1/11/2007 7:46:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slavejali I think, submissives, by their very action of being submissive, lose the ability of choice after being taken, and that is what it is to be enslaved. Well..there are my thoughts for the day. Any thoughts? I don't think it's due to the very action of being submissive. I think it's simply the state of the relationship they happen to be in. If someone asked me right now if I had the choice to leave my partner, I'd say no. It causes me physical pain to think about it. But I am not his master the way yours is to you and I am not his slave the way that you are to him. We are vanilla based. But I honestly would say that there is no longer a choice involved- it is what it is. And I don't think I'm alone in that.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Submissive in relationship.... (1/11/2007 7:54:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slavejali dadsyliloneds, you've never been so totally overcome by something that you become a part of it, no divisible line between you? Thinking of something more easily grasped..perhaps a moment of smelling a rose and the scent intoxicates you so much that you become one with it, just for a moment, in surrender..there is no thought of breaking free from it, there is no choice, it has overcome you... Or, never been to a rock concert and been so caught up in the energy of the concert, it overcomes you, you become one with it... From my experience in relationships....that experience is entirely possible on a day to day basis. I loved your words here, and I relate to them totally.

Quivver -> RE: Submissive in relationship.... (1/11/2007 8:07:28 PM)
I've felt exactly what you've put to words. Yet not each instance, no matter it's length create's the same awe. Those that do or have that awe for me are priceless. And the lessons learned from them have always given huge personal growth. Thank You Jali......... you Rock.

KnightofMists -> RE: Submissive in relationship.... (1/11/2007 8:45:53 PM)
"I have no Choice" That in of itself is a Demonstration that one has made a Choice. However, when I hear someone says they have "No Choice"... It is more that there is no other options that are remotely desired, wanted or even realistically considered. "I am given a million dollars without strings, I had No choice but to accept". of course I had a choice... I could of said No... but hell... that choice just doesn't make sense to me. Very much like finding a person that demonstrates the virtures and character that captures you thoughts and emotions. Of course you could say no... I don't want to be in a relationship with that person... but hell.. that choice just doesn't make sense to me. I suspect for most that choice just wouldn't make sense either.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Submissive in relationship.... (1/11/2007 9:02:37 PM)
Interesting concept, and made me think. Once, earlier last year, I had to choose whether I wanted to stay with my Master or not after a situation occurred between us. I thought about this choice seriously. I lost sleep over it. I shed tears over it. I had a few of those head vs. heart moments. I wanted to want to leave. But I could not bring myself to do so (thank God for that). I stayed - I chose to stay - because I could not choose to leave. So was it really a choice? Or was it a default? Should something similar arise again, there is no choice to make, as it has already been made. So, I have no choice.

slavejali -> RE: Submissive in relationship.... (1/11/2007 10:40:11 PM)
quote: Personally, i have no desire to be that consumed in or by my relationship. I love being consumed [;)] quote: So i ask all slaves and subs? Just what is it you are truly slave to? i think I'm a slave to "union"..relationship and me are just so compatable[;)] quote: Even not choosing is still a choice...you choose not to choose. Just had to mention, Master really likes the band "Rush" they have a song called 'Freewill' some of the lyrics are "if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice..." grin

juliaoceania -> RE: Submissive in relationship.... (1/11/2007 10:43:54 PM)
quote: Just had to mention, Master really likes the band "Rush" they have a song called 'Freewill' some of the lyrics are "if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice..." grin You know I have heard this several times in the last few days... it is making me think that this is some sort of synchronistic message for me.

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