submission gone haywire. (Full Version)

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outofrange -> submission gone haywire. (1/2/2007 12:47:44 PM)

I was recently dumped.  The relationship wasn't abusive.  I  was simply not what he was looking for in the end.  We had an obvious power exchange from the beginning that is still evident even the few times I've seen him since the break up.  He broke up with me in a respectful, honest way. I feel devastated, even though it wasn't a too serious relationship.  It's like I'm in a permanent subdrop.  My ex has tried to help a little, but obviously he cannot provide that much help in his position.  He just broke up with me and I'm not sure I want to be friends with him.  So I feel like communication with the person who helped bring me to this point won't help right now. I think my submission has gone haywire.  My submissiveness has gone into overdrive and won't shut off.  I see random, strong looking men and I want to drop to my knees and hug their leg.  I was working out today and the whole time I was thinking about the hot guy beside me pulling my hair and building a relationship with me.  If someone doesn't 'dominate' me in certain situations even normal vanilla ones, I feel such disappointment it makes me tear up.   I feel pathetic, weak, needy, clingy, and like I have no self-control at all.  I had never felt like this prior to the break up.  I always felt like I was in control of my submission.  Now I feel like someone could easily prey on me.  I have no lifestyle friends and no one to really talk about this.  It's like the lack of his control in my life has left this huge vacuum that I don't know how to fill. I feel like such a huge loser. I know someone here must have dealt with similar feelings, please tell me how you got them to go away? I've tried working out, reading, painting, and screaming.  Please tell me there is a secret formula I've missed?



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: submission gone haywire. (1/2/2007 12:51:13 PM)

Time and trying to keep perspective. 



slavemaia -> RE: submission gone haywire. (1/2/2007 1:18:08 PM)

quote:

outofrange --- Please tell me there is a secret formula I've missed?


i really wish there was. But there isn't. Time is the only healer. In the meantime be very loving and kind to yourself. Rejection is a horrible feeling to contend with. You'll find yourself feeling better again - i promise that. In the meantime try not to get involved with anyone emotionally because you're feeling so very needy right now. It's natural and it is no reflection on who you are.
 
Your submission will need to be put on hold for a time and so all you can do is whatever you can to fill that void yourself. Please try not to get someone else to fill it as that really won't solve anything. The greatest mistake i think people can make in looking to a relationship, is in looking to "get" rather than give. Til you feel whole and have a disire to give to another, my vote is stay out of any serious relationship and let yourself heal.



NControlofU -> RE: submission gone haywire. (1/2/2007 1:21:54 PM)

You're young, you'll survive.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  It won't do you any good to feel so negative about yourself.  Give yourself time to get over the disappointment.  Right after a break-up is probably not the best time to be jumping into another relationship.  But, it's good to have friends so, if you can keep it casual, don't be afraid to say hello to the guy at the gym.  Just be careful not to let your lonliness or horniness get you into a bad situation.  Look back at what was right and what was wrong with the last relationship and learn from it.  There is a lesson in everything, the bad and the good.



maleslave07 -> RE: submission gone haywire. (1/2/2007 1:28:50 PM)

I would agree with the time aspect, but would also like to add that a new relationship always helps the old one go away. When I enter into a new relationship with someone I stop thinking about the old one and what went wrong and how depressed I feel. This is due to being able to focus my energy on the new person which then provides me with the direction I need.

Then there is the lack of the sexual component and the emotional thrills of being connected to somebody. I personally don't find sex as thrilling without the emotional connection. Yes I'll enjoy it at the time but afterwards I feel cheap and I ask myself was it worth it. That's when I fall back into analyzing what I'm missing in my life verses what I have.

Unfortunately to your problem all you can do is let time take its time and eventually a new person may come around and make you forget what you are missing by providing you with what you truely need.

While you are going nuts and crazy, so to speak, you might want to ask your ex why you are not what he was seeking and why he broke up with you. I don't know your situation but it sounds like you were once a strong person mentally and have lost that strength. Your ex at one time found you attractive, but maybe its that loss that has made you unattractive in his eyes enough to change his mind about you. And if its something else then maybe you can work on your weaknesses in order to improve upon them. Not necessarily to get him back but just to improve yourself. Thats so when the next one comes around you will look better to him and maybe he will not make the mistake of letting you go. After all everybody is special and has something to contribute in this life if given the right circumstances.



MmakeMme -> RE: submission gone haywire. (1/2/2007 1:43:55 PM)

Yep. Time. AND! Allow yourself to ~feel~ these bad feelings. Don't try to smother them or hide from them - simply let them come as they will. There is a lesson here for you since it is full of such strong feeling, especially for a relationship that wasn't, by your own admission, too serious a relationship. Try to figure out ~why~ you're feeling this way (for example, does he remind you of someone in your past with whom you have an unresolved issue / incomplete relationship). I wish you the best of luck. I'm sorry you are having a difficult time.



darksdesire -> RE: submission gone haywire. (1/2/2007 2:19:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MmakeMme

Yep. Time. AND! Allow yourself to ~feel~ these bad feelings. Don't try to smother them or hide from them - simply let them come as they will. There is a lesson here for you since it is full of such strong feeling, especially for a relationship that wasn't, by your own admission, too serious a relationship. Try to figure out ~why~ you're feeling this way (for example, does he remind you of someone in your past with whom you have an unresolved issue / incomplete relationship). I wish you the best of luck. I'm sorry you are having a difficult time.



Wonderful advice, but soooooooo hard to do.  It does sound as though you sumissiveness has gone haywire because you are desperate to avoid the feelings of pain and loss.  Those are scary and intense feelings, but the reality of them is not as bad as the fear of them.  I agree, let them come as they will and accept what you can learn from them.  



domiguy -> RE: submission gone haywire. (1/2/2007 2:31:24 PM)

I feel like such a huge loser.
 
I know someone here must have dealt with similar feelings, please tell me how you got them to go away?

No. You are the only person in the hisory of humanity to feel this way.  So how can anyone offer you advice?
Perhaps when you recover from being such a "huge loser" you will feel better.  Just  a guess.

out.

D.G.

p.s. Jesus please protect me from your followers.



sophia37 -> RE: submission gone haywire. (1/2/2007 2:39:14 PM)

I know! Put a profile on this site stating In search of....whatever and make it known your female. Within 24 hours you should be so busy answering emails that you wont have time to think about what just happened between the tow of you.

I know. Bad advice. But there you have it. At least you'll be entertained or annoyed or whatever. It gets your mind of your troubles. lolol



goodpet -> RE: submission gone haywire. (1/2/2007 2:52:30 PM)

Sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed by these feelings, the advice of time is usually the best.. while you are giving it time, perhaps finding service would help. Not a new relationship, usually jumping into a new one on the rebound does not work out in the long run.  Service to a club, group, leather family, friends....   that might get some of your serivce and submission needs met and  sometime the connection to a friend dom type person fills that need to without it being a relationship.

good luck



MmakeMme -> RE: submission gone haywire. (1/2/2007 3:02:23 PM)

And ohhhhhhhhhh yes. Just a piece of personal wisdom for you so as to save you the agonizing difficulties it can bring to your life:

Do not, double do not, drown your feelings in a bottle marked 120 proof (or any proof).
Ohhhh yeah. I had issues and lots of 'em. (Not that I don't have issues now, mind you.)



outofrange -> RE: submission gone haywire. (1/2/2007 7:38:43 PM)

Thank you all for the replies.  It was sound advice.  I just hope I can follow it and eventually these feelings calm down.  
quote:

ORIGINAL:slavemaiai really wish there was. But there isn't. Time is the only healer. In the meantime be very loving and kind to yourself. Rejection is a horrible feeling to contend with. You'll find yourself feeling better again - i promise that. In the meantime try not to get involved with anyone emotionally because you're feeling so very needy right now. It's natural and it is no reflection on who you are. 
 
 Thank you.  I don't want to get involved with anyone while I feel like this, but then feeling like this makes me want to be involved with someone.  It's annoying. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: maleslave07While you are going nuts and crazy, so to speak, you might want to ask your ex why you are not what he was seeking and why he broke up with you. I don't know your situation but it sounds like you were once a strong person mentally and have lost that strength. Your ex at one time found you attractive, but maybe its that loss that has made you unattractive in his eyes enough to change his mind about you. And if its something else then maybe you can work on your weaknesses in order to improve upon them. Not necessarily to get him back but just to improve yourself. Thats so when the next one comes around you will look better to him and maybe he will not make the mistake of letting you go. After all everybody is special and has something to contribute in this life if given the right circumstances.  
 We talked about it until my ears bled.  He broke up with me for reasons that I cannot change, but reasons that I can at least respect.  It's not even so much that he broke up with or that he rejected me, what is creeping me out is that I feel like I can no longer control my submissive feelings.  I've never doubted my own judgment, but now it feels like my submissive feelings might lead me to make decisions I normally would not.  And that is a frightening thought. 

quote:

ORIGINAL:mmakemmeYep. Time. AND! Allow yourself to ~feel~ these bad feelings. Don't try to smother them or hide from them - simply let them come as they will. There is a lesson here for you since it is full of such strong feeling, especially for a relationship that wasn't, by your own admission, too serious a relationship. Try to figure out ~why~ you're feeling this way (for example, does he remind you of someone in your past with whom you have an unresolved issue / incomplete relationship). I wish you the best of luck. I'm sorry you are having a difficult time.
 He does remind me of someone from my past that I had a very unsatisfying relationship with.  And it does feel like once again I am being rejected all over again which is probably why the rejection stung more than it normally would have. 

quote:

ORIGINAL:mmakemmeAnd ohhhhhhhhhh yes. Just a piece of personal wisdom for you so as to save you the agonizing difficulties it can bring to your life:

Do not, double do not, drown your feelings in a bottle marked 120 proof (or any proof).
Ohhhh yeah. I had issues and lots of 'em. (Not that I don't have issues now, mind you.)
 If I did that, I think there would be an embarassing round of drunk dialing going on.



Zsuzsanna -> RE: submission gone haywire. (1/2/2007 7:42:31 PM)

I had a relationship with a friend that, the more I read and learn about the M/s dynamic, the more I know that  was exactly what was going on. He had control over almost every aspect of my life for 3 years. I never even thought about not obeying him, never thought about not giving him everything he wanted.  Then he moved away. It has been about 4 months and I... miss that control. I miss being in complete submission to him. I'm not sure if these feelings will go way or not, but I'm trying not to let them drive me too batty.
Good luck outofrange



angelic -> RE: submission gone haywire. (1/2/2007 7:54:14 PM)

i am going to echo what others have said regarding time to heal.  It seems like a cliche', but the pain really does diminish with time.  What helped me (and still does) is taking that 'time' in small increments... meaning, at first i was proud when i went one hour without missing him, wishing him back, etc.; then i took it in half day increments, 24 hour increments, etc.    For me there were times when i did not think i could make it one hour let alone 24 without him.  i did.   Allow yourself to grieve and get pissed off; give yourself special care like a long hot bubble bath or a manicure or pedicure.  Treat yourself well.  As Scarlet O'Hare said "after all tomorrow is another day." 



DominaSmartass -> RE: submission gone haywire. (1/2/2007 7:58:13 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: outofrange
  He just broke up with me and I'm not sure I want to be friends with him.  So I feel like communication with the person who helped bring me to this point won't help right now. 


I want to tell you that your intuition here is correct, at least IMO and experience. Maybe you can be friends later but as long as you are recovering from the relationship it will just be like cutting a fresh wound to keep it open repeatedly instead of letting it heal. I know you must feel like there's no one to turn to if you don't have any real life bdsm friends...so maybe go out and make some? Often, talking on the phone to an understanding voice can really help and so can understanding hugs from people who have "been there" before.

One thing that I have heard from many subs before is that being submissive to one person really helps them be more powerful and assertive towards everyone else in their everyday life. From what it sounds like, the loss of this outlet is causing your sub desires to spill over into vanilla spaces. I would certainly be aware (as you seem to be) of your higher state of vulnerability at this time and for heaven's sake, DON'T go marching off with the first new dom that comes along while you're still prone to follow almost anyone. That's my best advice and yes, time, space, and all the normal stuff is what will be the only things to help.




TemptingNviceSub -> RE: submission gone haywire. (1/2/2007 8:00:24 PM)

Well you can always start a diary, let out all those feelings onto paper.Get them out into the open so to speak. Then become "submissive to yourself"...treat yourself...."you" become first in your thoughts.."you" become first in your needs..ad infinitum...and then when healing has started and you feel better..Then take that diary of negativity and burn it!!!...you may then feel "cleansed" and ready to start again.....be well...Tempting



crouchingtigress -> RE: submission gone haywire. (1/2/2007 8:11:28 PM)

Ugh i have been there....it feels like being in heat.....its such a powerless place.....a vibrator can only do so much.....i dont have a magic pill...but i can tell you from experiance "this too shall pass"



SusanofO -> RE: submission gone haywire. (1/2/2007 10:56:53 PM)

I've been there before - feeling lost after a break-up. I have usually found that expanding my freindships with other people can help - making more acquaintances, and trying to maybe turn those into freindships. Being more sociable - forcing yourself if you have to do that, maybe. Going out mor with gal friends, too.

This is advice coming from a relatively shy person, too (no one ever seems to believe me, but I am not the most outgoing person on the planet). But  someone suggested this to me once a long time ago - and I was amazed that it worked as well as it did. Good luck - my heart goes out to you. 

- Susan  



mons -> RE: submission gone haywire. (1/3/2007 1:02:13 AM)

greeting out

your way to hard on yourself. your a submissve and i am a dominant woman sometimes i feel like i am in over drive, i want everyone who write me not the no good on but the ones who are nice and i want them too i see them on there kness to me. when you have a break it is ok you willl find the one for you take you time. try to go slow we all understand that need each one of us has and it does get so strong for me at time i want all sub males it is a faze a part of us that does come and it goes as we grow more in to it, you right on one thing you could be in harms ways do not pick a man who is abusive you needy you will find that one male who will see the need in you and work it down and calm you as he goes along take care dear

warm thoughts and hope for you

mons



unownedredhead -> RE: submission gone haywire. (1/3/2007 2:59:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress
Ugh i have been there....it feels like being in heat.....its such a powerless place.....a vibrator can only do so much.....i dont have a magic pill...but i can tell you from experiance "this too shall pass"


I so know what you mean.  Though I have yet to exerience the "this will pass"  part. 

wandering off, mumbling...cold shower..yup another cold shower.......

dina



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