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gypsygrl -> RE: Frustration (12/29/2006 10:32:26 AM)
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Thanks for your responses. :) This question came to me because I was thinking about how I deal with powerlessness (Ty for phrasing it this way, wildfleurs. I hadn't thought of it in those terms. It really helps me clarify my thoughts.) and its frustrations in other areas of my life and trying to glean how I would deal with it in a reasonably healthy, emotionally satisfying D/s type relationship. I do, in fact, have a lot of skills to draw on, but they all involve various forms of emotional detachment something that strikes me as being counterproductive in the context of an intimate relationship.
So, and to respond to MasterFireMaam, in an employment situation, if I'm working at all, I can deal with a lot of crap by keeping my focus on the paycheck but keeping my eyes on that prize really limits my emotional investment. I don't let myself care about doing the job, even if its a job I would have liked to do well because I thought it was valuable work. Basically, I become a time-server.
LycanHorde, the dynamic you describe sounds familiar, in the been there, done that sort of way. My ex husband and I weren't in a D/s relationship but he called the shots. After a couple of incredibly frustrating years of pretending we were equals, I made an internal decision that it wasn't ever gonna be the case, and stopped fighting the reality of the situation. This effectively freed me from the anger and resentment, and I even learned how to take some sort of twisted, if secret, satisfaction in the situation, kept myself occupied with other things (part time employment, taking care of the house, and my son) but I had absolutely no feeling for him. He was basically a stranger I happened to share a house with. Again, my ability to reconcile myself to the situation involved a process of emotional detachment, so much so that when he fell in love with someone else, I was like, cool and welcomed her into our lives because, well, so long as he was busy with her, he was ignoring me which meant I didn't have to deal with him. And, I liked her cause she was good company. Then when he decided he wanted a divorce, and I should leave, I left. But, even here, he told me where to apply for graduate school and I listened without questioning his direction. In the years that we were together, I did achieve a basic acceptance, became more grounded over time and stopped getting riled up over little things, but in getting to that place of inner stability, I also stopped caring.
NaiveTempest, I appreciate your comments. :) I don't have a lot of positive suggestions. I can be very sensitive to slights and take offense easily, and I've learned that the best thing to do is to find a reasonably safe way to vent spleen so the negative energy doesn't build. I'm a big fan of 'feeling my anger' and can usually do this by talking about it with someone, not necessarily the one who made me mad. I do what I can to work through the anger before directly addressing the person who offended me (if thats even warrented) so I can maintain an even keel. But, its an ongoing struggle.
I guess what I'm trying to figure out is how to remain emotionally invested in an assymetrical relationship. Maybe I'm asking how to give without giving up?
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