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KeirasSecret -> For Furture Reference (12/25/2006 6:01:08 AM)

I am confused by the mindset of “You asked me a question on something, so now I will tell you my opinion of all I see.” If I invited one or a bunch of people to my house and asked them whether or not the new curtains I bought for my living room matched my couch; I would not be expecting them to also tell me how the curtains went with the rest of my house. Nor would I consider having to blindfold them to get them to my living room for this not to happen.

Though if this were to take place, I would politely listen to what they had to say; consider if it held any importance to my purpose; thank them for their insight; then use what information I needed and disregard the rest. Of course, if their offering me said insight was even slightly uncomfortable, never mind down-right painful, it would probably be a long time, it ever, that I asked for their opinion again. I would rather go it alone. At least then I would be the only one slapping me up beside my head for making the wrong choice.

Another thing that confuses me, is the whole premise of “You are new, you messed up; you should have waited.” Personally, I am a hands on learner, for someone to tell me “Here, read up on this subject and after a given amount of time has gone by you should be ready to begin your journey”, just doesn’t work for me. Further more, considering the amount of variances involved in the given subject, I would have to wonder just how long it would take for me to read every bit of information necessary to ensure my journey was a safe one. And God help me, what if the information that would have kept me from harm had never been presented in what I had read; where would I go to get help on straightening things out? Should I expect, after presenting the situation (in a respectful manner), to those who had more experienced then I, to be told I was giving out to much information, and that I should have waited even longer, while having every other mistake I’ve made in my life pointed out to me, or would I be given useful information on how to do better next time.  

Be well,



juliaoceania -> RE: For Furture Reference (12/25/2006 7:11:16 AM)

I have not always minced words when dispensing with insights. I try to more and more as I have posted here. I do understand why people are blunt at times. I have posted one thread that I did not like the responses when I first started posting here. I quit posting on that thread and stopped answering people because I knew they had the right to state their thoughts even if it was hurtful to me. I chose not to read them anymore.

We all have choices on what we want to share, when we want to share it, and once it is out there in the universe it is hard to bring it back. There really is nothing we can do to stop people from posting whatever they like within the TOS, so the best advice really is take what you need and leave the rest. I do not think we would want people to become too PC because that would suck the life out of the message board. Not everyone will agree, and we have moderators who do a bang up job to decide what is inappropriate.



MstrssPassion -> RE: For Furture Reference (12/25/2006 7:18:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KeirasSecret

I am confused by the mindset of “You asked me a question on something, so now I will tell you my opinion of all I see.”


not everyone views things the same way... show one person an ink spot & they see a dog, show the same ink spot to someone else, they see a fluffy cloud

Is either person more wrong or more right than the other? No... we each have the ability to look at something & based on our own perception we can & most likely view many facets that the next guy may see differently.

quote:

If I invited one or a bunch of people to my house and asked them whether or not the new curtains I bought for my living room matched my couch; I would not be expecting them to also tell me how the curtains went with the rest of my house. Nor would I consider having to blindfold them to get them to my living room for this not to happen.

Though if this were to take place, I would politely listen to what they had to say; consider if it held any importance to my purpose; thank them for their insight; then use what information I needed and disregard the rest. Of course, if their offering me said insight was even slightly uncomfortable, never mind down-right painful, it would probably be a long time, it ever, that I asked for their opinion again. I would rather go it alone. At least then I would be the only one slapping me up beside my head for making the wrong choice.


Is this uncomfortable & painful because it was malicious & unwarranted?

Or maybe it is uncomfortable & painful because someone would rather live in a a bubble of reality where they deny everything that doesn't fit in with their own perceived comfort zone.

quote:

Another thing that confuses me, is the whole premise of “You are new, you messed up; you should have waited.” Personally, I am a hands on learner, for someone to tell me “Here, read up on this subject and after a given amount of time has gone by you should be ready to begin your journey”, just doesn’t work for me. Further more, considering the amount of variances involved in the given subject, I would have to wonder just how long it would take for me to read every bit of information necessary to ensure my journey was a safe one. And God help me, what if the information that would have kept me from harm had never been presented in what I had read; where would I go to get help on straightening things out? Should I expect, after presenting the situation (in a respectful manner), to those who had more experienced then I, to be told I was giving out to much information, and that I should have waited even longer, while having every other mistake I’ve made in my life pointed out to me, or would I be given useful information on how to do better next time.  

Be well,


Well maybe being told to wait longer & better inform yourself is the best & only advice to be offered.

Learning how to scramble an egg (2 methods)

One should first understand what tools will be needed & how to operate the heating unit before turning on the heat. They either do this but watching someone else, reading a book or asking for instruction.

or they can go ahead on their own & learn by hands on, throw the whole egg , shell & all into a pan, turn on the fire, get burned & possibly set the house on fire & so on...


We all make mistakes while learning... learning from others can help you avoid making some of those same mistakes.

Now back to the curtains.... when you were so busy making sure that they matched the couch did you ever step back & look into the room from a wider angle to see what it looked like from another room? You can't just go by what is happening in a room side by side. You have to consider what is going on all around that area.

Take it from an interior decorator... short sighted views typically create major disasters with the overall flow of decor.


Now back to posting questions & getting replies. If you are not comfortable with getting replies that are outside of your own box... don't make inquiries or comments to those who have their own boxes. If you are going to engage in personal dialog with a bunch of strangers expect to get replies that are strange to you.



LTRsubNW -> RE: For Furture Reference (12/25/2006 7:56:19 AM)

Fortunately for everyone....I actually know everything, so...if you ask for any opinions in the future in this forum, you can simply disregard the others and just read mine.

Go ahead...ask me a question....anything....go ahead.



KeirasSecret -> RE: For Furture Reference (12/25/2006 5:52:43 PM)

Julia,

Thank you for your response.

I continue to strive toward perfecting my communication skills, as well. I would also agree that there are times when it is necessary to be “straight forward” with someone.

My concerns are in the chance I should ever need the advice of those who are more experienced then I am. I am fairly decent at accepting corrective criticism. I also realize that posting on message boards can bring a wide variety of responses. I guess what I am referring to would be more in the lines of presentation.

I also understand that people will do as they wish regardless of what effects their actions have on anyone else involved. I am not saying I wouldn’t expect a stray response that would leave me wondering if I had not written my post in a langue other then what they speak; it is a bombardment by the majority that I am uncomfortable with.

I hope that if I am ever faced with the situation of something I’ve posted going terrible astray, I will be able to acknowledge my wrong doings in the event and back away gracefully. I am more hopeful it never comes to that.

In regards to your last paragraph, (I have not learned how to use the quote function yet): Perhaps I am looking at the meaning of the word “community” in the banner of this website in the wrong light, and the words of a poster in a recent thread that were to the effect of “welcome home”. I took there words to be sincere though. 

To me the atmosphere on the message boards seems a little less vast then the universe. It reminds me more of a village with the constant arrivals and departures of the new and just visiting. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I come here on a daily basis to read the thoughts and words of those who post here. Many of them are regular posters, who’s opinions and insight I usually hold in high regard, as they pertain to me. I believe that there are many lessons to be learned here, and find value in every one that I have learned thus far. I am not sure though, that what I am learning is always meant to be the intended lesson.

Be well,



thompsonx -> RE: For Furture Reference (12/26/2006 5:52:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LTRsubNW

Fortunately for everyone....I actually know everything, so...if you ask for any opinions in the future in this forum, you can simply disregard the others and just read mine.

Go ahead...ask me a question....anything....go ahead.


LRTsubNW:
I am having a little trouble resolving the derivation of the following equation:
         2
E=MC
Could you help me out?[;)]



LTRsubNW -> RE: For Furture Reference (12/26/2006 6:20:04 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: thompsonx

quote:

ORIGINAL: LTRsubNW

Fortunately for everyone....I actually know everything, so...if you ask for any opinions in the future in this forum, you can simply disregard the others and just read mine.

Go ahead...ask me a question....anything....go ahead.


LRTsubNW:
I am having a little trouble resolving the derivation of the following equation:
        2
E=MC
Could you help me out?[;)]



Ya know, it's funny that you picked that exact question.

Because that is the ONLY thing I actually don't know.

Okay, go ahead, ask me anything else.

Go ahead.



KeirasSecret -> RE: For Furture Reference (12/26/2006 7:30:04 AM)

MstrssPassion,

I realize not everyone will see things the same way, and for me, getting a variety of point-of-views would be a main reason for posting a thread on a message board. Such as with this one; I was hoping to grow an understanding of why people, who do the sort of things I mentioned, would feel it is necessary. I posted this thread because I had an sincere question that I was hoping to get a sincere answer to.

Any discomfort I might experience from my example would be along the lines of the malicious and unwarranted opinions.

When I read a post from someone, and they are asking, “What do I do now that I’ve really screwed things up?”, it is my understanding that they are asking for advise on how to pick up the pieces; not that they wish for me to analyze every mistake they made in getting to the realization that they’ve screwed up. I would not think that a person showing me an ink spot would be expecting me to express my dislike for the color of their shirt either, and certainly not in a “Oh my God, that is one ugly shirt!” kind of way.

Were I to find the need to post such a question, I am confident that I would already have realized that I had screwed up, and probably where as well. 

If I was asked to analyze someone's mistakes, I would hope to do so in a manner that would not cause them to feel like they are being kicked while they are down.

I do not believe I would ask for another’s opinion, on any topic, if I were choosing to live in a bubble. I am quite comfortable with, “No those curtains don’t match.”, even if there was a, “What are you, color blind?” attached in humor. “What the hell is the matter with you, and I bet you spent too much money on them too!”, or worse, not so comfy.

One of the reasons I asked these questions, is because of the way debates on certain topics turn out at times. It can be quite the site to behold, especially for someone new.

I joined CM at time when there was one of the famous sub vs. slave threads just starting. I saw the title of the thread and thought “Oh good, this information should be very useful to me.” By the time I was unable to read any further, I wasn’t even sure if I was supposed to be human anymore. Not exactly what I was expecting.

I agree that waiting is good advice to most if not all. I believe this is especially true for anyone who is dealing with a bad experience, but I am just as aware that things don’t always happen the way they should. I also believe there are some things that can’t be learned other then by experience, because there are too many variables to consider. For me, the events began happening a while before I even started compiling a list of dos and don’ts to ensure safety.  

I am not saying repeat offenders don’t deserve some kind of wake up call. I was more or less wondering if someone new, who presented their post of a legitimate question or opinion, and did so in a respectful manner, could expect a sincere, just as respectful response from the majority.

I find that learning the ins and outs of living a D/s lifestyle quite a bit more complicated then learning to scramble an egg. Because of the  many variables there are a lot of questions that have no abloslute answers.

I am thankful to those who are brave enough to post their mistakes on the boards and I do take their experiences, and the useful advice that is given in response, into advisement.

If I ever become professional at anything it will more likely be at making mistakes then anything else, as I have made many and expect that I will make many more before I am done. I am hopful though, they will not all be the same ones .

In reading the responses to this thread and writing my own, I believe I have found some sort of resolution to my questions.

They are more of those questions where there is no absolute answer. Reasoning and outcome, can, and will vary depending on a wide variety of variables; including environmental, conditional, emotional, and personal.

Though the responses I received were limited, if I am understanding the stats on the main page, a good number of people at least attempted to read what I had to say, and regardless of whether not they found it to be of sound mind, no one felt it necessary to engage in verbal “fire play”.

Therefore, the chances are, as long as I continue to post in a respectful and sincere manner, the amount of fires that start will most likely be limited, and since I already knew one of the best ways to put out a fire is to deprive it of oxygen, I should be fine.

As a bonus I have also acquired the answer to what would have been my next question, “What would the point be of my posting, if what I had to say would be addressed in an unpleasant manner?” (unpleasant being the mildest form of that which I am refering to)

The answer is simple; even if all of the responses I received held little to no use in helping me with my situation, (an unlikely event), It is possible that what is said could help someone else, and chances are there is someone right behind me, getting ready to make the same foolish mistake I had, so perhaps my bringing me experience to the table will prevent them from doing the same.

Considering one of my desires in this life is to be of use to others, that serves my purpose just fine. It has been a productive day.

Thank you for your response and the decorating advice. If I find myself needing to re-decorating, I will keep your words in mind. J

Be well,

Ps: sorry if my response is too long



LotusSong -> RE: For Furture Reference (12/26/2006 7:55:10 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KeirasSecret

I am confused by the mindset of “You asked me a question on something, so now I will tell you my opinion of all I see.” If I invited one or a bunch of people to my house and asked them whether or not the new curtains I bought for my living room matched my couch; I would not be expecting them to also tell me how the curtains went with the rest of my house. Nor would I consider having to blindfold them to get them to my living room for this not to happen.

Though if this were to take place, I would politely listen to what they had to say; consider if it held any importance to my purpose; thank them for their insight; then use what information I needed and disregard the rest. Of course, if their offering me said insight was even slightly uncomfortable, never mind down-right painful, it would probably be a long time, it ever, that I asked for their opinion again. I would rather go it alone. At least then I would be the only one slapping me up beside my head for making the wrong choice.

Another thing that confuses me, is the whole premise of “You are new, you messed up; you should have waited.” Personally, I am a hands on learner, for someone to tell me “Here, read up on this subject and after a given amount of time has gone by you should be ready to begin your journey”, just doesn’t work for me. Further more, considering the amount of variances involved in the given subject, I would have to wonder just how long it would take for me to read every bit of information necessary to ensure my journey was a safe one. And God help me, what if the information that would have kept me from harm had never been presented in what I had read; where would I go to get help on straightening things out? Should I expect, after presenting the situation (in a respectful manner), to those who had more experienced then I, to be told I was giving out to much information, and that I should have waited even longer, while having every other mistake I’ve made in my life pointed out to me, or would I be given useful information on how to do better next time.  

Be well,
I'd get off the internet and into reality.  Find the group nearest you:  http://www.darkheart.com/usalist.html



MzMia -> RE: For Furture Reference (12/26/2006 8:03:52 AM)

Hello Keira
I am not sure I understand what this post is about,
have you been offended here?
I was following you to a point, do you mind
explaining a bit further?
**Happy Holiday**



KeirasSecret -> RE: For Furture Reference (12/26/2006 8:45:49 AM)

I believe it is valuable information to know the answer of the question, "Who is keeper of the answers?"

Thank you for this knowledge and your offer to asist.

*scratches her head* I thought I had already asked a question. :)

Be well,



KeirasSecret -> RE: For Furture Reference (12/26/2006 9:48:02 AM)

LotusSong,

I appreciate your time in reading and responding to my post. I also appreciate the link you have given me to help in answering any questions I may have. I will definitely look into it.

I am unsure trying to become involved in an rt group would be in my best interest at this time, for a few different reasons.

I have attempted to make a few friends on CM; some have stuck around, others have not. I am confident there will be more to follow.

I also find that exchanging thoughts with those who I have exchanged words with, combined with the, what I consider to be sound, advise of my rt Dom, and the information I pick up from reading the message boards, is more then adequate for this stage of my adventure.

However, I do appreciate the advice.

Be well,



MzMia -> RE: For Furture Reference (12/26/2006 10:17:24 AM)

Hello Keira, I had the time to re-read both your
posts..
I understand know what your point is.
I totally understand how you feel, I think many of
us feel the same way.
I hope you will stay and continue to post here.



KeirasSecret -> RE: For Furture Reference (12/26/2006 10:48:20 AM)

MzMia,

Hello (smiles)

The purpose of this thread was for me to consider the possibilities of what I would be getting myself into, if I decided the information I have to share was worthy of starting a thread. I do not take the responsibility lightly.

I have thoughts on topics that are often discussed here; some I consider somewhat “hot” topics. I was gathering what I felt was necessary information to successfully “scramble some eggs”; without accidentally burning or getting burned in the process. (Sorry, I had to use it; it fit so well.) J

I consider the skill of successfully deflecting fireballs extremely useful for any aspect of my life, and taking the opportunity to hone my abilities in doing so, is always a good thing. It is a newly acquired ability, and I still have lots of work to do in order to perfect it.

To answer your question, no; no one has said anything to me personally that I took offence to, and anything that has been said in a general sense that bothered me, I have learned to overcome by understanding relativity is key. If what is being said does not hold true to my situation, it does not apply to me, therefore, it should not offend me.

Another thing I have noticed in my experiences with other people; when tempers rise, often, a good part of what is being said, is more of a reflection from a previous occurrence, then the one that is happening at the time.

I would be happy to explain any statement I have made that was unclear. Perhaps you will help me out, and let me know where I became fuzzy. Thank you.

Also, thank you for your response. I hope you are having a happy holiday season as well.

All the best,



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: For Furture Reference (12/26/2006 11:27:05 AM)

A)  Most of the questions presented here are far more complicated than "Do you like these sheers and do they go with this couch?"  Relationship issues have so many issues going on at once, it's nearly impossible to separate them.  You can ask me "My dom yelled at me last night, does that mean he doesn't love me anymore?"  And I COULD give just a yes or no answer.  But then, what's really the point in that?  They already know the answer is yes or no to that question and they should know they will get some people telling them yes and some people telling them no.

Thus essentially, answering that particular question not only will NOT give them more than what they had before posting, it also won't do anything towards fixing the issue. 

So what do we do?  We go for more.  

We also figure the other person is a grown up and will either accept what we say or ignore it- as one should do when asked for advice.  When people bitch about not getting advice they like, it really just makes them look bad.

B)  I know I constantly say that people should not make a commitment within the first 6 months of exploring.  And that's exactly what I meant- don't make a COMMITMENT.

Do everything else- please!  Play, explore, go out, munch, dress up, read, talk, all of that.  Just don't make a commitment to anyone.  As you yourself said- you're at a learning curve.  Would you advice a freshman in high school that they should make a commitment to their college major by the holidays?  No.  But you certainly wouldn't tell them to stop going to school either.

The mistake comes when people lock themselves into a commitment that they aren't ready for or have any real conception of the choice they are making and what it entails.  I'm not suggesting that 6 months is the magical number- surely no.  But it's a reasonable enough number.  If people simply explored and had fun, they wouldn't have all the guilt and shame and pressure that they put on themselves too soon.



KeirasSecret -> RE: For Furture Reference (12/26/2006 11:59:26 AM)

MzMia,


I am glad my words were understandable and that you can relate to what I am trying to say, both mean a lot to me.

I had a feeling I was not alone in my concerns. Though I readily admit I could have been wrong.

Yes, my plans include sticking around for some time to come. Thank you.[;)]

Be well,

k



KeirasSecret -> RE: For Furture Reference (12/27/2006 9:26:35 AM)

LuckyAlbatross,

Much of what you say in the first section of your post, I have already covered in earlier posts. I agree.

I believe we are talking about two different types of encounters.

I also covered and agreed with most of what you say in the second section, the thing is, in my original example; the person involved had been or is already in a relationship. Although your advice is good, they did not receive your message in time for them to use it. I was not referring to the type of guidance you are giving here.

I am not sure how someone in my situation would accomplish acting on the advice you give in section B paragraph 2.

Thank you for responding.

Be well,



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