Telling close friends and family (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

Pickles1995 -> Telling close friends and family (12/21/2006 2:12:53 AM)

Not sure what to do about this situation.  My twin sister and I are very close.  I'm a submissive and she knew nothing about the lifestyle until a few months ago when I told her about it.  It was one of those things that I felt like I had to tell her.  Not sure why, just had to.  So I drove with her in the car 1 1/2hrs down to the group that I always go to and on the way started the conversation.  She asked a lot of questions and seemed genuinely interested.  I told her that we were going to meet the couple that hosts the group and see the dungeon that we play in.  That was it.  I also told her that at any time she was ready to go, tell me and we'd be gone.  It didn't matter if it was 10 sec, 10min, or 5 hours.  It seemed to go ok.  She was tense and nervous, but we stayed for a couple hours....she even ate pizza.  On the way home, she was extremely quiet and got mad if I asked her questions.  Since that night, she's tried to convert me back and even took me out to lunch to tell me that it was sinful and wicked.  I go down there as often as I can with my work and school schedule.  If she asks what I'm doing or where I'm at, I tell her, but don't force any of it on her.  Now with the holidays here, and the fact that she knows that I'll be down there for New Year's, she's trying to bribe me into going with her to Illinois to her friends house for New Years.  I don't know her friends at all and don't really care to.  Their idea of celebrating New Year's is to get together at church and play games all night.  Nothing wrong with that, but that isn't me.  Problem is I don't see anything wrong with what I'm doing.  If I did, I wouldn't be doing it.  It has helped me big time emotionally, physically, and even spiritually.  It has boosted my self esteem, self confidence, among many other things.  I don't know what to say anymore to her about this.  She is very close minded now and won't discuss it with me cept to tell me it's wrong and evil.  We are very close and the last thing I want to do is to ruin our relationship.  When I told her, I asked her to please not tell anyone about this.  I have reason to believe that she's told a few people about it "to ask for advice on how to convert me back".  Don't know what to do.  HELP!



ScooterTrash -> RE: Telling close friends and family (12/21/2006 2:25:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pickles1995

Don't know what to do.  HELP!
I'd just tell her that some people like Vanilla, some like Baskin Robbins. You just want more out of life and like more flavors than she does, it's simple as that. Will she understand? Likely not, but at least the concept will be there.



julietsierra -> RE: Telling close friends and family (12/21/2006 2:59:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ScooterTrash

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pickles1995

Don't know what to do.  HELP!
I'd just tell her that some people like Vanilla, some like Baskin Robbins. You just want more out of life and like more flavors than she does, it's simple as that. Will she understand? Likely not, but at least the concept will be there.


Well, while that's one way of doing it, it's not the best way when you're talking about two women - especially sisters. The whole "I just want more out of life than you do and like more flavors than you do" will set the female sibling rivalry competition on fire.

So, here's the deal as I see it. You took her to see your friends. From what you're saying, she had no idea beyond her own imagination as to what they'd be like and what you're interested in.

But she went.

And now, she's asking you to go see her friends and see what she's interested in. You don't think you'll like it - except that you started this ball rolling and you're going to have to finish it. If you don't want your New Year's Eve taken up, I'd suggest suggesting a different night to go meet these people.

But you're going to have to go.

Your chosen lifestyle is no less valid than hers. She doesn't like yours. Chances are you aren't going to like hers, but I'd say stepping up to the plate and being a good sister sometimes means you get to do things you don't want to do.

And when you've gone and been polite and eaten pizza and all that, you can politely say no from that point on. If this is too much for you, then still go but make sure you have your own car so that you can leave when you want to.

And when the topic comes up in the future, I'd suggest not talking about your activities - which is really what should have happened in the first place. When she attempts to "save" you from yourself, you can just change the subject. And when she wants to make something more out of this than it is, you can always say that you love her and that you're glad that you each got to meet each other's friends, but that while you understand that your life is not for her, she needs to understand that her life is not for you and respect that.

As far as her telling other people, that my dear is the age old problem that frankly, and with no ill will intended, you should have learned in elementary school. What you don't want known by everyone, don't tell anyone. You're going to have to suck it up and deal with the fallout - if there is any.

juliet



JerseyKrissi72 -> RE: Telling close friends and family (12/21/2006 3:15:12 AM)

I remember telling my Mother about the lifestyle shortly after my Master passed away and all she said to me was "I always knew you were a little different"[:D] and basically said "to each their own"...I don't think she could understand why I kept it such a big hush hush...



mons -> RE: Telling close friends and family (12/21/2006 3:20:29 AM)

greetings
 
i am a twin also i told her about my lifelstlye but i am a dominant you should had not taken her to a dugeon i am proud of how i am and i am very proud too but when you tell a family memember you need to be slow very slow just give it in tiny bite size piceces it do think it was to much on her, you are proud and you want to share it with the cloest person you know your twin. but something we can not do this many of the people here will twell you that family looks on us a freak and it is hurtful but this is why they see now my twin expected it but she will not talk with me about it at all o made on big ass mistake i told my son he is 26 and had a different thought on it he said never tell me about it again he still love me. but soon after i told him he began to lose respect for me i did not see it until it was to late he would be so disrepectful i did not see this may had casue him to act this way things have gotten so bad he would look at me with a cold look in his eyes i am so deeply hurt i wish i never told him i lost him he has left in a way i do not know if he will come back to all who want to tell they adult childern and family save it, i know some who have told their childern and at first they are fine with it but watcb out i never in a million years thought the son who helped me when i was sick would turn on me like a snake.
 
just save it do not tell kep iy your self it does no good not at all i am not alone he may never come back i am so deeply hurt i could just .............
 
mons tell me anyone has this happpen to anyone here
 



Celeste43 -> RE: Telling close friends and family (12/21/2006 5:14:17 AM)

There's a book called When Someone You Love is Kinky. You might read it and then send it to her with various parts stickered with your comments.

Assuming you already have plans for New Year's, you politely decline by saying it would be rude to abandon your date. But go and meet her friends, using your own car, because they might be nice people. You could suggest charades or pictionary or any other game you enjoy. Besides, if she is serious about one of them you could be meeting him the rest of your life.

Now assuming that they are rude people and do nothing but try to tell you of the error of your ways, call them on their rudeness. Not on their beliefs but on how they lied to you to get you there and how you cannot trust someone who starts a conversation out with a lie. Then excuse yourself, kiss your sister, telling her you still love her but you are very upset with the way she acted and leave. You take the high road and act morally, allow them to lie and call them on their hypocrisy.



SlaveAkasha -> RE: Telling close friends and family (12/21/2006 5:23:35 AM)

I think sometimes we forget what a big system shock some of this is for those that aren't into it, or don't know much about it.
 
I have ran into this time and time again with family and friends.  I always try to be patient and explain anything they need or want to know.  I only have two that I can't seem to be friends with anymore, and that's because they put me down every chance they get.  I took a vow almost a year ago, that anyone toxic in my life would not exist there long and I have stuck to it.
 
I think that you probably ought to hear her out on what she has to say.  No, you don't have to agree, but she gave you the common courtesy to listen and even go visit someplace you wanted.
 
I come from a family of conservative people.  If you want uncomfortable, just trying bringing your lesbian lover to any gathering they have..ugh.
 
The thing about family is, you love her and want to be close to her.  As much as you don't like it, this might be parts you have to put up with in order to do it.  You know at the end of it all that what you are doing isn't wrong and you are comfortable with it.
 
I don't agree with others judging and trying to change people, but sometimes we put up with that in order to keep special people in our lives.
 
Only you can weigh the benefits of going and making her happy, and going and doing what you want....
 
Good luck
 
Kasha



diamonddreamlove -> RE: Telling close friends and family (12/21/2006 6:35:29 AM)

I think Juliet is right on.  Your sister looked at your interest and rejected it.  Now she requests that you look at hers.  Take a look on a night other than New Years and you might like hers.  We also like different flavors and spirtuality may be an addition to your life as well as the bdsm.  Your sister is not likely to want to be part of the lifestyle although her reaction may also be she is afraid of what she saw because she needs to reject part of herself in it.  Anyway won't hurt to look at her life and if you wish say no thanks.  Then tell her you love her, don't want to lose her but that to leave this life is to reject part of you just as for her to leave hers is to reject herself.  Ask her again to keep your lifestyle private as that is not something everyone understands and that you do not wish to be rejected by your choice by people you like and respect.  Tell her it makes our lives easier to sometimes have few people to know about it and then honor her right not to talk about the life with you.  Best of luck.  I don't have family friends that know of my life and don't plan to tell them but do have a friend that is vanilla that knows and has taken the liberty to share it dang her hide.

diamond



thetammyjo -> RE: Telling close friends and family (12/21/2006 7:10:05 AM)

Well, I'm a bit surprised that you didn't realize your twin sister's religious zeal -- is it something new?

This is the risk anyone of us takes when we come out and thus we need to evaluate the risks before we do.

You could keep trying and I'd suggest "When Someone You Love in Kinky" from Greenery Press if you think she'd be willing to read it. You may have to agree to read something from her in return.

If you don't think she'd be willing and she is asking you to do new things with her because of this revelation from you, I'd just point out to her that you are happy to interact with her as you always have. I'd also ignore her (since she got angry when you asked her questions) when she tries to talk you out of it.

Now just be yourself and either she will accept you or she won't. You cannot control her reaction but you can work on controling how you respond and react to her.



SmokingGun82 -> RE: Telling close friends and family (12/21/2006 7:14:46 AM)

I have to agree with those that have mentioned the need for fair play. She went into a situation where she probably knew she'd be uncomfortable, and quite possibly made an honest effort to understand. At the very least, she pretended to.

Maybe not on New Years Eve, but some night hanging out with her friends won't be too terrible. Study a little scripture that you can use to tag them when/if they start spouting off lines, or just rely on common sense and logic. Be polite, but don't just let them take their shots... if that's even the point.



Pickles1995 -> RE: Telling close friends and family (12/21/2006 7:43:55 AM)

I don't mind at all going to meet her friends and have done that before......going to her friends house for Christmas.  The thing is is that she is trying to get me to come with her on her weekend trip to Illinois instead of me going to my little lifestyle gathering for New Years.  I am in school full-time plus work full-time so to have 4 days off in a row for New Years is major rare.  I've had this planned ever since I found out I was off New Years Eve. 



thetammyjo -> RE: Telling close friends and family (12/21/2006 7:58:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pickles1995

I don't mind at all going to meet her friends and have done that before......going to her friends house for Christmas. The thing is is that she is trying to get me to come with her on her weekend trip to Illinois instead of me going to my little lifestyle gathering for New Years. I am in school full-time plus work full-time so to have 4 days off in a row for New Years is major rare. I've had this planned ever since I found out I was off New Years Eve.



Then why even consider changing your plans?

You can hang out with your sister and her friends later especially (in my not humble opinion on this matter) when it seems very clear to you that she is arranging all of this to "convert you back" to paraphrase what you said.



acctonthelook -> RE: Telling close friends and family (12/21/2006 7:59:04 AM)

i think that if you just explained D/s and the dynamic instead of taking her to a dungeon, that may have sat with her better.  you probably scared the blank out of her.  try just talking about how D/s can boost self esteem through lessons, trust, bonding to eachother.  try explaining to her that it's more intimate than that of vanilla, it's more trusting.

as for the get together, just decline.  place some time and distance between you both, regarding the bdsm subject only for about a month or so.  give it time.  her exceptance is not going to happen overnight.  if she seemed ok during your sharing of yourself but later did a 360, she's just feeling overwhelmed.  she's probably intriqued but just not ready for it.  giving one another space on a topic, letting it go for now sometimes can make the final outcome better, less emotional for all concerned. 

if i knew then what i am now, i'd still be married...*chuckle*



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Telling close friends and family (12/21/2006 9:47:04 AM)

Did you tell her because you wanted to share or did you tell her because you wanted her approval? If the latter, you'll have to work to make it the former. It's not an easy task, but a start is to do what you want to do for NYE. Follow your bliss, not hers.

Master Fire



Pickles1995 -> RE: Telling close friends and family (12/21/2006 9:51:02 AM)

I told her because I wanted to share something that I enjoy so much and has helped me in different areas.  There were also several things that showed that once she gets past the initial shock and horror and what the heck, that she really would enjoy this.  But I'm not going to push it on her.  I only talk about it anymore with her when she brings it up. 



Siona -> RE: Telling close friends and family (12/21/2006 10:08:53 AM)

I'd carry out the plans already made.
Looks like agreeing to disagree on each other's lifestyle is apparent here. Nothing wrong with either lifestyle. It's all in what makes you happy.



xonemasterx -> RE: Telling close friends and family (12/21/2006 11:34:09 AM)

You have to true to yourself.  You have plans for New Year.  Stick with them. 

Don't try and convert her to your way of thinking.  Just be yourself with her.  She must find her own way to her own place in life.  (You see her as a possible submissive.  I read between the lines to see that she has submitted to the church and its own take on relationship roles.)  Be honest when she asks about it and tell her what you like about your experieces.  And listen to her stories about church suppers.

   



ScooterTrash -> RE: Telling close friends and family (12/21/2006 4:16:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

quote:

ORIGINAL: ScooterTrash

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pickles1995

Don't know what to do.  HELP!
I'd just tell her that some people like Vanilla, some like Baskin Robbins. You just want more out of life and like more flavors than she does, it's simple as that. Will she understand? Likely not, but at least the concept will be there.


Well, while that's one way of doing it, it's not the best way when you're talking about two women - especially sisters. ......
juliet
And I would agree with what you said as well juliet. I'm just a bit more blunt...lol.



adaddysgirl -> RE: Telling close friends and family (12/22/2006 4:10:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pickles1995

Not sure what to do about this situation.  My twin sister and I are very close.  I'm a submissive and she knew nothing about the lifestyle until a few months ago when I told her about it.  It was one of those things that I felt like I had to tell her.  Not sure why, just had to.  So I drove with her in the car 1 1/2hrs down to the group that I always go to and on the way started the conversation. 

Are you saying that this whole conversation of your lifestyle choice came out in the car on the way to a bdsm group meeting?  And you proceeded to introduce her to to the couple you play with and show her a dungeon?  And she is a 'church person'?  OMG....you probably scared the hell out of her.....lol.
 
Because you aren't saying that you discussed this with her beforehand, it sounds like you kinda sprung the whole thing on her a bit quickly.  And if you 2 are close, she probably agreed to checking it out but was probably appalled at what she saw.   
 
In all honesty, if that were me, i'd apologize to my sister for exposing her to something she obviously was not ready for, tell her you can respect her choices and hopefully she can respect yours, and not discuss it any more with her.  i wouldn't change my plans for NYE but as others have said here, sometimes others' opinions of us change when they see what we are into.  i guess that was a chance you took and who knows....things may never be the same again with your sister.  It's all part of growing up and doing our own thing. 
 
And in the future, if you do need to share what you are doing with someone else, perhaps a slower approach...a kind of 'feeling out' might be wiser than....'well, here we are!' type of thing. 
 
Good luck to you.
 
Daddysgirl





ShiftedJewel -> RE: Telling close friends and family (12/22/2006 6:46:20 AM)

I truly believe there is one verse in the Bible that soooooo many so-called Christians tend to forget on a daily basis... perhaps this is a good time to remind her? "Judge not lest ye be judged". Explain to her that one of the wonderful things about Christianity is the unconditional love that is given freely by the Saviour with the hope that those that follow Him will do the same. In fact, she should know that the best way to lead someone to Christ is through example. In my opinion the best way to argue with a Bible thumper is to be well armed where the Bible is concerned.
 
Believe me, I'm not preaching to you or anyone... just giving you some ideas... Me and mine lean more towards Druidism. But here's a thought for you.... Tell her how sorry you are that she has become so back-slidden in her beliefs that she has to stoop to hateful comments and being judgemental to make herself feel better... perhaps she is the one that needs to spend some time on her knees. The only way to argue with a Bible thumper is to "throw" the Bible at them. I can also tell you from experience that they don't like that, it tends to piss them off. But sometimes you have to make someone angry to kick in their ability to think more clearly.
 
Best of luck to you and enjoy your New Years Eve at the dungeon.
 
Jewel



Page: [1] 2   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.03125