I dont get this (Full Version)

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DiurnalVampire -> I dont get this (12/21/2006 1:22:43 AM)

I wasnt sure where to post this, exactly.  This seemed most appropriate.
I have been getting a lot of emails and messages from submissives on this and on other sites telling me that I am exactly what they are looking for in a Mistress.  They tell me how perfectly we would work together, and how I was everything they ever wanted.
The thing I dont get... they know nothing ABOUT me. They occasionaly say this in an initial email, working off my profile.  More often, its one or two messages in, after theyve asked me what my interests in BDSM are.  Is that really all some people need to think your a perfect match?  I always thought that you had to get to know someones personality before you could know whether or not youd be a good fit, not just their kinks. 
Does anyone else have an opinion on this?  I am sure I am not the only one who gets emails like this. Even though I am not looking (and many of these also have somewhere that they would be better for me than Angel is) I have trouble taking these people seriously. 

Curious as to other peoples takes on it
DV




SusanofO -> RE: I dont get this (12/21/2006 1:33:12 AM)

I wouldn't judge them too harshly for it. Sometimes, I think, some people just don't know where to start, if they are interested in you. If they are not experienced, maybe they think this is just the way a bdsm relationship begins (and for some, it does).

Granted, it doesn't make them look very sophisticated, or mature, but - it could be a lack of relationship experience, or exposure to internet "matching" services, or whatever.

Maybe some of them are players or idiots, but -

Maybe you could write them back (if you are interested) and ask them to expound re:What their criteria for a Mistress is, and why they think you fit (kindly). I'd also explain that you like to get to know the whole person, or you don't really consider a pairing much of a "relationship." Ask them to tell you about themselves, too.

If they can't or won't expound beyond a few sentences, or refuse entirely - then I'd write them off.

I agree some people don't make it easy - that's why I  just love people who actually know how to 1) Converse and 2) Write.

If someone isn't going to haul their end of the communication load, so to speak, what can you do? The burden is all on you..I suppose if you like someone a lot, that is okay, but getting to even know them to be able to tell whether you do or not is going to be harder (my opinion).

I don't think there's anything wrong with being a "quiet type" (although after 15 years of being married to one, I admit it is not my preferred "type"). But - if someone is attempting to establish a relationship, they at least have to share part of themselves. And this does involve communication and talking. Sorry to rant. 

If they can't or won't do this, then I'd thank them for their "interest" and tell them gently you are looking for something "deeper" than they are, apparently, and that you feel your respective "needs" are not a good match. 

- Susan



DiurnalVampire -> RE: I dont get this (12/21/2006 1:45:49 AM)

I am not looking, which is something that is very clearly stated in my profile. So that part I am nt concerned with.  Its more a question of how people can think they ahve found mr/mrs right when they know nothing of the other person.  It took Angel and I months to get to know one anotehr well enough to even consider a relationship, and yet there seem to be many other there who are willing and even deserate to jump in with both feet.

DV



SusanofO -> RE: I dont get this (12/21/2006 1:53:09 AM)

1) Some peope don't know how to seek the relationship they claim they are looking for. They want "deep" , and their "life long love", etc. and then can seem to do everything they can think of, it seems, to potentially screw that up. Getting "collared" within a day or two? Give me a break! I mean, maybe there is such a thing as "love at first sight", who knows? But, in any case - there is still a person to get to know, isn't there?...I think this kind of behavior may be due to a lack of experience, or bad relationship "modelling" fom their family-of-origin, or habit. Or wishful thinking. But it's a habit that can change (if they want it to, that is. But they have to give a darn about doing that, first, and be aware of it).

2) Some people really are just looking for a _uck buddy or a one nighter, and just aren't going to look for "deep connections". They are suffering from skin hunger and that's all they care about satisfying. More power to them. I hope they find what they are looking for. I've "been there", on occasion, myself. But, as far as that being a general M.O. for someone -  personally I agree with you - Next!

3)  Some people are just not that socially adept. This can be due to many things, I think: Shyness, a lack of role models, lack of empathy for other people, or just lack of experience, I think. I think these people, sometimes get better with approaching people for relationships as they get older. For me, it's still hard to approach people (despite the fact nobody ever believes I am shy. I am).

I screw things up. I say stupid things. But I won't do it twice, if I can help it (and if I know I did something "wrong").

As far as why someone would approach someone who is already taken (such as yourself) - maybe they should learn how to read? If your profile states you are in a relationship. I know people's circumstances change, but unless they already know you, or know you are Poly or something (if you are), then they'd not be aware of that or if it's happening. That strikes me as slightly rude, from their end.

- Susan



eyesopened -> RE: I dont get this (12/21/2006 2:21:35 AM)

Don't judge too harshly.  It's not easy to know what to say in an initial email.  Every person on this site or any other could tell tales of horrible or stupid or ugly or just plain silly initial emails.  Sometimes i think alcohol is involved LOL!  Not too many people are talented enough to write witty, interesting prose.  Not everyone can spell, not everyone has a large vocabulary.  Personally, i try to see the intent of the email.  Granted, we are all human and we tend to read text in the same mood we are in at the time of the reading.  If we are feeling frustrated we can read a line with an angry or pathetic voice when that may not be the mood of the writer at all.  Text doesn't contain facial expressions, voice inflections or body language.  So i stop to check my own mood when i read to make sure i'm not letting my mood add to or take away from the intent of the writer. 

Occassionaly i get the email that no amount of pondering can decipher the intent.  my favorite email was the one-liner "I love to fuck old bitches like you"  It's emails like that one that make me think of the TLC channel's Life's Lesson of "Merlot and email don't mix"

'Tis the season to be stressed so don't let emails stress you out.  This is the internet, not a life-altering event.





DiurnalVampire -> RE: I dont get this (12/21/2006 2:48:03 AM)

I'm more contemplating than stressed.  I want to figure out what people are thinking.



eyesopened -> RE: I dont get this (12/21/2006 2:57:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

I want to figure out what people are thinking.


But that would assume people are always thinking.... 
i still can't figure out what "fucks old bitches" was hoping to accomplish *laughs*



mons -> RE: I dont get this (12/21/2006 3:44:58 AM)

greetings
 
hello many of the dommes here get the same thing they think your the ones and yes it is just your profie i had many write to me wanting to be the only slave or willing to do anything for me to please me but what they are really saying it mostly for themselves not asking what you  wish for but what they like to do so it not good it takes time to know someone and i like to do just that yes i happen with us it is flatterying to get the letter but real is best for me someone who speak for himself not a doormat and no all males but many want someone to literely one on them
 
take care and warm chrstmas wishes



RedSavageSlave -> RE: I dont get this (12/21/2006 3:53:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

Its more a question of how people can think they ahve found mr/mrs right when they know nothing of the other person. 

DV


Desperation will do strange things to good people sometimes LOL



SmokingGun82 -> RE: I dont get this (12/21/2006 7:09:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

I want to figure out what people are thinking.


Not to be unnecessarily harsh, but in a lot of cases, they simply aren't. I get the ocassional email from a male sub telling me I'd be his dream partner and asking to meet... which is flattering, but the underlying logic is probably terrifying.



thetammyjo -> RE: I dont get this (12/21/2006 7:21:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

I wasnt sure where to post this, exactly. This seemed most appropriate.
I have been getting a lot of emails and messages from submissives on this and on other sites telling me that I am exactly what they are looking for in a Mistress. They tell me how perfectly we would work together, and how I was everything they ever wanted.
The thing I dont get... they know nothing ABOUT me. They occasionaly say this in an initial email, working off my profile. More often, its one or two messages in, after theyve asked me what my interests in BDSM are. Is that really all some people need to think your a perfect match? I always thought that you had to get to know someones personality before you could know whether or not youd be a good fit, not just their kinks.
Does anyone else have an opinion on this? I am sure I am not the only one who gets emails like this. Even though I am not looking (and many of these also have somewhere that they would be better for me than Angel is) I have trouble taking these people seriously.

Curious as to other peoples takes on it
DV




This has happened to me and be the forward "bitch" that I can be I sometimes say "Really? How strange because you can't possibly know me yet". That usually stops the emails. Those folks also tend to be very eager to talk about sex and specific fetishes almost immediately -- neither of these is very attractive to me.

They are living in a fantasy probably partly produced by their perceived desperation for some type of relationship. I personally hate that desperation and find those who claim it to be very unattractive even as friends.

They cannot be responding to you because they cannot know you yet, I think it takes time, quite a bit of it to really know someone and I also think it is unrealistic to think someone else is perfect. That's just building a tower for them to tumble from, it's a formula for failure -- why would anyone want to be preparing for failure?



nikaa -> RE: I dont get this (12/21/2006 8:14:12 AM)

I've seen this on the other side as well. My profile clearnly states that I am a collared switch. However, I am always getting emails from Doms stating things such as ,"You  are my ideal slave" or "I would love to have you in my collar". I don't find either flattering because the reality is these people don't know me. Yes, they see a blurb of who and what I am but the reality is that does not even touch the surface of who Nika is. The reality would probably scare the living hell out of them.*laughs*








yourMissTress -> RE: I dont get this (12/21/2006 8:27:25 AM)

I have two thoughts on the subject of why someone would think that by reading a profile they are a perfect match with that person.

1) Desperation.  I think it's universal.  People who are so desperate and needy that it doesn't matter what you are really like, what you really want, whatever it is they will be it, or try to be it, just so that they have someone.  I also think this is why many relationships are so very short lived.  Some people do not take the time to find out what they want and need for themselves.  If they don't know what they want for themselves, how can they know what parts of their needs and desires will coincide with and compliment the needs and desires of another?

2) Miscommunication. A misunderstanding between the parties involved as to what the words really mean to them.  What one thinks of when someone says a perfect match is different than what they meant.  A perfect match for a lifetime? a fling? an afternoon of cybersex?  a fantasy which they have no intention of ever attempting to fulfill?  or killing time?



liks2plzlf -> RE: I dont get this (12/21/2006 8:43:46 AM)

DiurnalVampier  As was pointed out in previous posts, many men are overly concerned about looks. I know I sometimes view a profile and think "wow" I'd love to be her slave.I usually end up not trying to contact them, because I figure they have so many pursuing them, they probably won't have time to read my email. But one can learn alot just reading the boards, I know have.The younger ones probably don't read, and feel they might have a chance to change your mind.It surprises me they did not notice your not looking. Since your not looking, maybe you should pull you pics They make me want to be your slave too.



yourMissTress -> RE: I dont get this (12/21/2006 8:51:31 AM)

By your logic, liks2plzlf, she should also wear a large burlap sack when she goes out in public because she isn't looking to be accosted.  What a concept!  No one should be able to see how beautiful she is because she's taken!  



catfood -> RE: I dont get this (12/21/2006 8:54:56 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

By your logic, liks2plzlf, she should also wear a large burlap sack when she goes out in public because she isn't looking to be accosted.  What a concept!  No one should be able to see how beautiful she is because she's taken!  


but then the burlap fetishists will be a flockin'

[:D]



theRose4U -> RE: I dont get this (12/21/2006 9:14:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

I want to figure out what people are thinking.


But that would assume people are always thinking.... 
i still can't figure out what "fucks old bitches" was hoping to accomplish *laughs*


Likely he's practiced the 5 knuckle shuffle so many times he think's he's ready to practice with a real girl now. Either that or his blow up girl farted and flew out the window to get away and he thinks every woman with a low self esteem is that desperate.



theRose4U -> RE: I dont get this (12/21/2006 9:27:14 AM)

quote:

The younger ones probably don't read, and feel they might have a chance to change your mind


I get these all the time. Somehow the magic of who they are will change things like "must be local", "male sub"( sorry I mean one that was born that way and is still intact) and my personal favorite, the idea that if they tell me in great detail about their fetishes I'll suddenly be inclined to take on a newbie, married, forced cross dressing sissy that doesn't do housework...shhh don't tell his wife. GRRRR 



Serenityy -> RE: I dont get this (12/21/2006 9:29:04 AM)

Welcome to the wonderful world of on line fantasy; where all of your dreams come true in the click of a button, and the tap of a few keys.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: I dont get this (12/21/2006 9:35:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire
Is that really all some people need to think your a perfect match?


Yeah, it really is. My guess is that they've been pursuing these things and having a hard time finding them, but can find the other things. So, they've developed tunnel vision when it comes to kink. Or, they're just looking for play partners and a weekend of fanstasy. Or, they really don't know a whole lot about the lifetyle and think that their fantasy is a good representation of reality.

Master Fire



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