Moving past failure

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purelydevoted -> Moving past failure (12/20/2006 9:22:07 AM)
First, a little background: My husband and I, who are now separated, had a 24/7 relationship that failed miserably. Lack of communication doomed us from the start. We tried off and on for 8 years to make it work and finally realized that the trust needed for a relationship of this nature would never be there like it needed to be. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you move past that? In the months since leaving, I searched deep inside myelf, and I know that I need a Master/slave relationship someday. I know, however, that trust and communication have to come first. I would appreciate any views or sharing of experience. Thank you, A/all!

mistoferin -> RE: Moving past failure (12/20/2006 9:44:40 AM)
Forgive me but it sounds as though you have a pretty good handle on where you went wrong so you know what mistakes not to repeat in the future. When entering new relationships make communication your top priority. (btw....multiple postings are not allowed)

purelydevoted -> RE: Moving past failure (12/20/2006 9:46:13 AM)
Not an excuse, just a reason...I didn't know multiple postings weren't allowed. I promise to not do it again. Thank you.

toservez -> RE: Moving past failure (12/20/2006 9:49:46 AM)
My .02 advice is first to be patient. I came out of my long term relationship the main reasons for the failure was not trust or communication but of course in the end those did get dragged into the picture. For me personally, I did try again to soon to find another and now realize that this time I was ready and it felt very much different in the search. It though is of course up to each individual and what they have gone through. As far as finding a trusting relationship again my biggest advice is to look within yourself for the ability to trust and not judge or expect your next other to magically give you that feeling. Until you are open to trusting another, you will have difficulty in finding that in a relationship no matter what guidelines, tests or hoops you have that person go through and if they are even willing to do that. Communication takes conscious effort from both parties. Some people are natural at it, some not so good and some in between. Finding someone that you are compatible in this area is an important thing to consider. What works between two people is the right answer. If you need to communicate deep feelings every day then find someone who will do that and so on for all types.

mistoferin -> RE: Moving past failure (12/20/2006 9:52:05 AM)
Tis ok....just an FYI that the mods will most likely remove the others. You are ahead of the game in that you have done the thing that many make the mistake of shying away from. You said that you did some real soul searching. It's a tough thing to do and even tougher to admit to ourselves where we went wrong. All of us make mistakes but those of us that take the time to learn the lessons from them will get alot farther. Communication from the very beginning is a great step toward building a firm foundation of trust.

MaryT -> RE: Moving past failure (12/20/2006 10:10:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: purelydevoted Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you move past that? It sounds like you are moving past it. Good for you! I don't know if mine was a similar situation. I was married for 28 years, and the relationship was "kind of" D/s in a 50s sort of way. We didn't do that on purpose. It's just how my personality came out in that relationship. Of course, having a 50s life with kids and a career, etc., just meant that I worked hard. At my urging, my purely vanilla ex did try to accomodate my kinkier side, but he wasn't into it himself and was just doing it for me. I am grateful to him for that, but under those circumstances, simple sex was more satisfying and less stressful for us both. lol. Our one attempt at TPE was short-lived: We sucked at it. This might sound prejudiced, but it is my experience that you are either kinked toward dom or sub, or you are not. My ex would be the first to admit that he is not, and I'm wondering if you had a similar situation. As to moving past a LT relationship that has ended (I don't think of it as a failure), just keep putting one foot in front of the other. [:)] MaryT

zbabe888 -> RE: Moving past failure (12/20/2006 3:04:47 PM)
First know that you are not alone in what you are going through. BDSM relationships splits can really shake your core of self-esteem. I say that to be aware and watch for predators - but the GREAT thing is that given time and to be allowed to heal you are going to come out stronger than you thought you could be - with a better understanding of who you are and what your needs are. Submissive or not KNOWING what you need and standing up for that is key. I recently learned a hard lesson myself about that.

ADomlesssub -> RE: Moving past failure (12/20/2006 4:06:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: purelydevoted First, a little background: My husband and I, who are now separated, had a 24/7 relationship that failed miserably. Lack of communication doomed us from the start. We tried off and on for 8 years to make it work and finally realized that the trust needed for a relationship of this nature would never be there like it needed to be. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you move past that? In the months since leaving, I searched deep inside myelf, and I know that I need a Master/slave relationship someday. I know, however, that trust and communication have to come first. I would appreciate any views or sharing of experience. Thank you, A/all! purelydevoted... i was recently released and was feeling similarly to you..... here are some links that a forum gem gal sent to me.... they might help you too...... http://www.collarchat.com/m_548339/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#548757 To trust or not to trust http://www.collarchat.com/m_534521/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#534848 trust and abandonment issues http://www.collarchat.com/m_48957/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#48957 trust betrayed by master http://www.collarchat.com/m_96129/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#96129 will I ever trust a man again http://www.collarchat.com/m_329482/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#329482 learning to trust again after being hurt http://www.collarchat.com/m_346651/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#346651 how do you deal with broken trust? http://www.collarchat.com/m_398537/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#398537 trust...how to mend when it is broken you will get over this - allow yourself time to heal and to discover who you are....... big cyber sub hug type things to you....xxx

purelydevoted -> RE: Moving past failure (12/21/2006 8:53:58 AM)
Little Domless one... thank you, sister, for sharing those excellent licks with me. Please feel free to contact me any time if you want to talk, share heartaches or just someone to listen to you vent. I appreciate you support. hugs right back at you!

ADomlesssub -> RE: Moving past failure (12/22/2006 6:52:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: purelydevoted Little Domless one... thank you, sister, for sharing those excellent licks with me. Please feel free to contact me any time if you want to talk, share heartaches or just someone to listen to you vent. I appreciate you support. hugs right back at you! ah well us chicks have to stick together you know!!! oh and feel free to off load tears, gossip, or just a natter in my direction too.... me xx

pixelslave -> RE: Moving past failure (12/22/2006 8:52:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: purelydevoted First, a little background: My husband and I, who are now separated, had a 24/7 relationship that failed miserably. Lack of communication doomed us from the start. We tried off and on for 8 years to make it work and finally realized that the trust needed for a relationship of this nature would never be there like it needed to be. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you move past that? In the months since leaving, I searched deep inside myelf, and I know that I need a Master/slave relationship someday. I know, however, that trust and communication have to come first. I would appreciate any views or sharing of experience. Thank you, A/all! Know that what you describe happens to male subs as well. That the trust was not there, isn't just a D/s or BDSM issue, it surely was a vanilla issue for you as well. I hope that should tell you something about your relationship beyond your lifestyle needs not being met. One thing I have learned is that there is no quick fix. The vanilla statistics themselves show that those who remarry within a year are more likely to divorce again. I doubt that is any different for those who choose to begin a relationship within this lifestyle. The real question is what does that tells us? [8\|] For me, this all tells me, we need to take the time to heal and get our proverbial "shit together" before we can move-on to the next relationship whether vanilla or the one we know it is that we crave deep within our hearts. We need the time to heal and figure out clearly what is we "want" vs what it is we "need". To me, life is full of compromises and no one is perfect, especially not me! [;)] I suggest you spend a lot of time reflecting and getting to know yourself, what you really need, what you'd like to have, and where you can compromise between the two of them. As someone else mentioned, this is a time of vulnerability, so don't be in a hurry! Above all else, take your time to get to know anyone that interests you before you take the plunge. If they will not be patient with you, I'd suggest they are not the right one for you to be involved with at this point in your life! [:o] Someone who really wants you, for the person that you are, will give you all the time you need to get to know them until you are completely comfortable and they will want to know you for the person inside you before the two of you prematurely jump the gun. Its my opinion, that your submission is of great value and deeply affects your emotions, clouding all your decisions when it is fully engaged and active. Giving it up quickly, kind of makes you "easy" to whomever you meet. For most dominants, in my experience, it is like a drug that is more desired than any sexual favors you could ever give them. Take the time to learn about the person in the vanilla sense, before you begin to play (regardless of how much you want to let them have what lies within you and what it is you desire), will help you keep your wits about you to make an informed decision whether they are right for you. It will also make you that much more attractive as something of a challenge to the other person. But that's just my experience and is largely based on my own wiring. I'd summarize by saying, don't give what is vulnerable and of precious value, away to someone who doesn't know you and might take advantage; using you and then tossing you away![:-] As the EPA says, YMMV and I wish the very best of luck to you! [:D] - pixel

xonemasterx -> RE: Moving past failure (12/22/2006 10:31:29 AM)
If you keep true to yourself and continue to seek, you will find a good match for you. It is not easy. And you will have to look a lot of frogs in the eye to see if Prince Charming is lurking inside.

mnottertail -> RE: Moving past failure (12/22/2006 11:17:21 AM)
Failure is pretty stationary in its aftermath, easy to move past. Don't look down, just beyond. Hummus McGonigle

Voltare -> RE: Moving past failure (12/22/2006 12:14:36 PM)
What he said. Being hurt isn't being dead. Only goths seem to live in eternal agony over 'that one who broke them.' (no offense to gothic lifestylers intended, yadda yadda.) As for that communication thing - it should be painfully clear by now that if you want 24/7 to work, you're going to have to invest in it - either through practice, or by taking smoke-signal classes together while using tin cans linked by a bit of string. Whatever works.

hushedwhisper -> RE: Moving past failure (12/22/2006 12:21:06 PM)
purelydevoted, You know your weakness now so you will be able to move on. Communication is the single most important thing in life. Without it, failures will come. Begin maybe with communicating simpler things with people in your present life. Insecurities you may have, fears that wallow in the shadows......Talking to people will help you see that others have the same fears, same insecurities and give to you a sense of 'not being alone.' Once you are able to communicate with people, communicating with a potential partner will seem so much easier. Good luck and be safe, hushed

classykindasassy -> RE: Moving past failure (12/26/2006 9:32:28 AM)
How easy it is to move past can depend on some factors... 5 yrs out, i am still trying to get some of the pieces back of my shattered self esteem - it is hard to believe how much more sensitive and "primed to bolt" i am after the love of my life turned into the nightmare of a lifetime - i have more baggage now than ever, and the amount of spiritual and ontological training i have seems to make little difference. The only thing that has made a difference is the patience, and real love of the Dom i am with now. Self-forgiveness is the hardest thing for me. I can forgive the ex it seems, but i give myself hell, thinking i should have known better than to open myself up and trust like that. It's moving past that item that has been the most work - and is a work in progress, in all areas of my life.

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