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Cheating - 12/17/2006 9:47:50 AM   
justaquestion


Posts: 2
Joined: 12/17/2006
Status: offline 		I am happily married to a lovely husband, we have been married about 5 years, who indulges all my fetishes.  He even has quite a few of his own, we have been into BDSM as a couple for the better part of a decade, even getting involved in the local community.  Our sex life is fantastic and he is dedicated to me 100%.  This may sound ideal, but there is a small problem.  I am a cheater.  I think he suspects, maybe even knows, but ignores it.  I am careful and use protection and don't just jump into bed with anyone.  Most of the time I am ok with this and feel no guilt, but I am wondering if there is something wrong with me.  Part of me wants to stop cheating, but our sex life is actually better when I am.  We spice things up quite frequently so it's not that I'm bored, I don't know what it is.  I am conflicted.  Has anyone ever been in this situation before? Does anyone have any advice?
I really don't know what I'm looking for, but anything would be appreciated.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Cheating - 12/17/2006 9:53:30 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

Has anyone ever been in this situation before?


I have been cheated on, but not cheated with or the cheater


quote:

Does anyone have any advice?



If you were in an open relationship I would say "more power to you", but since you are not, I have to say that living an inauthentic life will lead to much heart ache sooner or later, get help for yourself, professional help. I say that because you do not understand your own motivations for your cheating.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to justaquestion)
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RE: Cheating - 12/17/2006 10:02:08 AM   
amaidiamond


Posts: 1793
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Watford / London
Status: offline 		I would have to agree with the above, lies and dishonesty will eventually eat away at you and your relationship, get yourself some help, you already realise you have a problem or you would not be coming here and posting this question.
You need to work out whats driving you to cheat if you honestly and genuinly don't know, then you can set about fixing it.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Cheating - 12/17/2006 10:23:26 AM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		Cheating is the forbidden fruit and damn exciting for that and that's before you get to any actual sex. If you are honest with your partner and he agrees to an open relationship that will take some spice away because it won't be illicit any longer so you might as well face reality, the house might come tumbling down and its pointless crying when you stand amongst the debris. If you are quite prepared for the probable outcome, fine but if you don't like the probable outcome, quit while you're ahead.

_____________________________

There are fascists who consider themselves humanitarians, like cannibals on a health kick, eating only vegetarians.

(in reply to justaquestion)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Cheating - 12/17/2006 12:06:34 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		You ever heard of sex a holics?  Something like that?  there are literally people addicted to sex - no joke. 

(in reply to meatcleaver)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Cheating - 12/17/2006 1:40:04 PM   
mgdartist


Posts: 328
Joined: 5/13/2006
From: irving tx
Status: offline 		I have never cheated on a woman/gf/sub...sexually. I have been cheated on several times.
I didn't want it, or like finding out, but for some reason couldn't make myself seem to care.
I was most upset with myself for not getting jealous or being possessive enough. One ex I had always said: "The only thing worse than a very jealous and possessive man...Is one who isn't whatsoever."

For most men, as myself, there is no cheating except at the physical, sexual level. I've had ex's feel I was cheating if I watched porn, or talked to anyone online more than casually. This percieved emotional betrayal, always stunned me, till I finally learned the emotional arena is the woman's home field.

But here's the part I could never quite grasp: Compared to men, the woman's sexual ability and "armaments" if you will, is vastly superior to men's. Given the wish to do so, a woman could readily "service" upwards of 5 gents per day, and even more if highly motivated. Hookers do it all the time. Compared to her rapid fire field artillery, we men have but a derringer with 2 shots max, unless still in our teens (*generally speaking). Paradoxically, outside the world of poly, women are the ones who invariably seek  and require strictly  monogamous partners, and seem the most emotionally devastated when betrayed. Men, it seems, will cheat when almost any "fuckable" availability presents itself, while women are driven to it usually, by some lack or dysfunction, or need for vindictive reprisal in their current relation.
I one read that the real reason men usually cheat however, is much deeper in their psyche that the crotch area.: Because they fear death.
"Say what? ...no way." was my initial reaction. but who knows?  It would indicate a more quantitive view of ones sexual conquests, and perhaps stupidly keeping score of how many we can nail before we croak.

So obviously, I have little real understanding of your dilemna, and shouldn't judge or condemn you till I do.
However, for your sake, and as a special favor, since you asked, will pass sentence as deemed obvious...by me:

You are spoiled, willfull and greedy, and should be strung up and whipped publicly, then after being fitted with a chastity device, left till nightfall on display. Once suitably punished, you should be caged and confined in strict  restraints, and verbally humiliated constantly for your lascivious nature. If your hubs isn't up for the daunting task at hand, I suppose I could step in and help out.

..oh, your quite welcome, and don't mention it.

MGD


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RE: Cheating - 12/17/2006 1:47:24 PM   
michaelOfGeorgia


Posts: 4253
Status: offline 		my gf and i have discussed this subject at length and we both agree that it's only cheating if it's kept a secret. we also firmly agree that the species known as humans are not, by nature, monogamous. we're just "programmed" to believe we should be.

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Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to mgdartist)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Cheating - 12/17/2006 1:49:12 PM   
swtnsparkling


Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

he is dedicated to me 100%.

and obliviously your not dedicated to him at all.
 
 



_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please



(in reply to justaquestion)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Cheating - 12/17/2006 2:03:37 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		When you have no respect for yourself it is virually impossible to have any sort of empathy for others.  I'm sure your husband would be thrilled to know that you are actually cheating because it makes your sex life better...
He would probably drop to his knees and thank you....most likely because you might be laying down in a pool of blood and he wants to make sure you hear his last words.
I think you should take up "mgdartist" on his request to help you...he's only trying to help a deceitful,dishonest twat mend her ways.

out.

D.G.

p.s. Jesus please protect me from your followers.

(in reply to swtnsparkling)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Cheating - 12/17/2006 2:51:20 PM   
jblack


Posts: 102
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		DG, when you have no empathy for others, it becomes easy to call people names like "deceitful, dishonest twat." When you have empathy for others, you can actually summon up a compassionate response to someone, even if you disagree with their actions.

Justaquestion, I don't know what to tell you. I really don't. But I'm sorry that people have been judging you harshly.

I guess I would say that if you're unhappy with yourself and your choices, you should seek professional help. Everyone points out that lies lead to unhappiness; that may well be true, especially since you are in a good relationship. But I don't know if I would say the same thing if you were in a bad relationship.

Some people are willing to risk more unhappiness for a moment of solace when they are in a bad relationship. Just be sure that you are willing to risk the unhappiness of your partner as well as your own. In a good relationship, it might be hard to risk the happiness of someone you love, but I don't know your situation well enough to judge.

Good luck to you.


(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Cheating - 12/17/2006 3:44:54 PM   
LTRsubNW


Posts: 1604
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: justaquestion

I am happily married to a lovely husband, we have been married about 5 years, who indulges all my fetishes.  He even has quite a few of his own, we have been into BDSM as a couple for the better part of a decade, even getting involved in the local community.  Our sex life is fantastic and he is dedicated to me 100%.  This may sound ideal, but there is a small problem.  I am a cheater.  I think he suspects, maybe even knows, but ignores it.  I am careful and use protection and don't just jump into bed with anyone.  Most of the time I am ok with this and feel no guilt, but I am wondering if there is something wrong with me.  Part of me wants to stop cheating, but our sex life is actually better when I am.  We spice things up quite frequently so it's not that I'm bored, I don't know what it is.  I am conflicted.  Has anyone ever been in this situation before? Does anyone have any advice?
I really don't know what I'm looking for, but anything would be appreciated.



Do a search on cuckolding.

If he knows...that (his interest in the above) could be one of the reasons why sex is so much better when you do :).

(I could be wrong).

_____________________________

Small deeds will always mean more than large intentions.

(in reply to justaquestion)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Cheating - 12/17/2006 3:59:32 PM   
michaelOfGeorgia


Posts: 4253
Status: offline 		there's a big difference between love and sex. one can have sex with the one they love...but they don't have to love everyone they have sex with.

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to LTRsubNW)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Cheating - 12/17/2006 6:37:12 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		Well, well ,well.  It seems that someone comes out and posts and then asks for opinions or advice...Some one who is clearly being deceitful and dishonest. Maybe she is not a "twat." Her mother might not think so, her husband once he finds out ...well... we will all just have to wait and see.

Jblack I read your profile and I enjoyed it...you seem to be an intelligent honest woman. I consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent and honest man.

However, I have been in past relationships some good and some not so great...I have cheated in the past and when I did my partner(s) were not aware of what I was doing on the side...When I cheated there was something missing in my primary relationship that I did not communicate to my partner...I should have conveyed my digruntlement and or parted company....When I cheated I was A LYING,DECEITFUL,DISHONEST COCK!

We live in a society today that shirks blame and responsibility for our actions ...in court let's blame the rape victim....We create little white lies as convenience.  No one is to blame for shit! No accountability.

Not on my watch sister....lol....Put yourself in her husband's shoes,,,or if I was dating you, and say our relationship is "bad" but you were "100% committed to me"...would that make it better or easier for you, that I'm fucking your friend or the neighbor?  But remember, when I come home it makes our sex life better!...you should thank me!

Yes, we should all say it is not her fault...especially if the relationship is "bad." Never mind that her husband is "100% committed to her." Never mind that she feels "no guilt." I'm sure his commitment would allow him to accept her infidelities blindly...that's probably why she hasn't told him.

No one is perfect...but to come out with such blatant b.s and to expect anything but disdain is incomprehensible and would only further her unethical actions.

I'm sure in any other setting we could probably see eye to eye....She is wrong and you are wrong on this issue....She may not ....be a twat.(rhymes) But me thinks otherwise.

out.

D.G.

p.s. Jesus please protect me from your followers.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 12/17/2006 6:54:11 PM >

(in reply to michaelOfGeorgia)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Cheating - 12/17/2006 7:02:27 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		frizzam frazzum, I hate topics like this.

Cheating sucks, there is no excuse for it, end of story.

You are breaking someones trust, thats the pits. You should have more respect for your life partner than to do that to them, that respect should be enough to keep your cunt in line. If you don't have that respect, you shouldn't be with him and you could fuck around all you wanted.

We do not have many things in life that we can really can really own, things that no one can take away from us, personal integrity is one of those things and you're just flushing it down the toilet.

Addition:
One thing I can say for you, I really appreciate you saying he is lovely and your relationship is good, rather hear that than the numerous excuses usually given that are pointed in the direction of blaming their partner for what they are doing......grrr

< Message edited by slavejali -- 12/17/2006 7:18:40 PM >

_____________________________

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Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Cheating - 12/17/2006 7:58:41 PM   
starshineowned


Posts: 1551
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

Our sex life is fantastic and he is dedicated to me 100%. 
From the other side looking in..it would appear to him that "you" are 100% dedicated to him. Your belief that he knows what your doing is not a fact until either he confronts you or visa versa. Perhaps it is just a simple matter of him doing exactly what you are doing but neither of you are honest enough with eachother to discuss it. A relationship built on dis-honesty is doomed in my opinion.

Therapist might be fine..but wouldn't bother unless you plan to come clean and let your husband know. Other wise the lie will still be there even if you stop.

Good Luck

Well Wishes
starshine
Happy slave of Master Delvin

_____________________________

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." --Abraham Lincoln

(in reply to justaquestion)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Cheating - 12/17/2006 9:58:00 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		There's obviously something going on here- either you're too insecure to settle with one person, you're really polyamorous and not letting yourself or feel you can grow into an open and honest poly relationship, or you're seeking validation for something that you don't feel comfortable within yourself.

Or something else completely, or some combination therein.

I'm a former cheater, justified it, got away with it, broke hearts about it, went through all those stages...in the end it comes down to being selfish and scared.  You either end it and openly address it or continue letting your fears own you and destroy all relationships in your life.  There really isn't another option in the long term.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to starshineowned)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Cheating - 12/17/2006 10:11:08 PM   
michaelOfGeorgia


Posts: 4253
Status: offline 		what amazes me about this subject is that either party become shocked that "cheating" occured. to me, there's no surprises. by nature, we're not monogamous.

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Cheating - 12/17/2006 10:23:10 PM   
NeedToUseYou


Posts: 2297
Joined: 12/24/2005
From: None of your business
Status: offline 		I'd tell him. Though you undoubtedly know you should or else you wouldn't ask the question.

But if you are going to continue and in Illinois well, one more night probably won't hurt anything. LOL.

(in reply to justaquestion)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Cheating - 12/17/2006 10:43:16 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		well i cheated once....i am not here to judge you...but i will tell you it will come down on you like a ton of bricks, and that will be a differnt sort pain then any you have ever known.
 
this is a sampling of the pain you will deal with
 
the pain of betraying your faithful partner
the pain of hurting him so deeply he may not trust again
the pain of the humilliation when your world finds out
the pain of looking into wounded broken hearted eyes of your lover and or if there are lil ones
the pain of betraying yourself
the pain of your adiction
the pain of knowing you have fallen from grace
the pain of facing the dark parts of you
the pain of knowing you are not trustworthy
 
these are pains you are at this point keeping at bay...but they are like hungry wolves, they circle your house and are coming ever closer...one day you will not be able to fend them off.....
 
i feel for you, i know you live with this pain and i know you are scared, and have not learned many copying skills and life strategys...but the good news is that you can change everything....
 
you can come clean and get a fresh start...you can learn to like and even love yourself again.
 
right now i am sure you feel very alone, and lost....but you are not....you can reach out and get the help you want....you have the strenth...you have the awareness..all you need is a tiny push...so here it is:
 
you are lovable, and you are worth loving.
 
 
 

< Message edited by crouchingtigress -- 12/17/2006 10:46:37 PM >

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to michaelOfGeorgia)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Cheating - 12/17/2006 10:48:43 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		1) Lastly....monogamy has nothing to do with commitment.

2) You can have sex without love? Really! Gosh. GeeWhiz ...and I thought all of the johns who are screwing prostitutes all had so much more in common...I thought their relationships were built on mutual understanding and trust...There was no love? How will I sleep tonight?  Mom, you lied to me.

Monogamy... ever since I attended college and realized that there were signs in the sorority bathrooms about not flushing tampons down the toitee...I knew something was afoot. Why would all of these women who lived together have their periods at the same time? Why, only animals go into heat at the same time enabling the dominant male to pass on the strongest genes.(no clinical data or imperical research to support claim...just have been in a few sorority bathrooms with bad and dirty sorority girls).

Was I suppose to screw  them all?...I think a fella could get into some sort of trouble for those types of actions....I haven't seen this case on Law & Order but keeping eyes peeled.

No I don't believe we are monogamous critters...yet I know of people who have seemingly and happily lived a monogamous life....they did it out of honor,mutual respect and love...and not wanting to harm or hurt their companion.  It is not for everyone.  Maybe not for me or you. But to discount these relationship under the guise of being brainwashed is far from the truth.

We are responsible for our actions...just 'cause we can do them does not make it right or ethical...It is difficult to aspire to certain things in this life without being a hypocrite...for all it is truly a work in progress.

out.

D.G.

p.s. Jesus please protect me from your followers.

Editing...realized my vanilla cone  has now been replaced with"curious." Is God arbitrarily or randomly choosing my bdsm preferences? I truly miss my cone.  I liked being vanilla... sounded more benign and manly than curious...Lastly what determines my icon?  God, please return my cone of silence...amen.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 12/17/2006 11:02:00 PM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 20
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