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jblack -> RE: Definitions (12/16/2006 1:36:18 PM)
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This is an interesting thread; I'm finding it fascinating on a number of levels. I hope my response isn't too incoherent since I'm thinking of a few things at the same time.
I would start by saying that this thread can be boiled down to a rephrasing of Freud's question so that it reads "what does a submissive want?" Like Freud's original question, it appears to have been asked out of frustration (more on that later). The answer, though, is perhaps more frustrating: it depends. The same, of course, is true for men and Dominants. Some men want some things; other men want other things. Some Doms want some things; others want other things. Basically, the "it depends" answer is true for everyone since generalizations are rather ridiculous when dealing with the infinite variety of human desires. That's why you aren't getting specific responses; you aren't asking specific questions.
So, what does a submissive want? Well, it depends.
Does that make it harder for a Dom? Yes.
Get reconciled.
The same principle applies when considering that the amount of frustration exhibited in this thread. Frequently, the "numbers game" is brought up, and there is much moaning about "statistics." First, I'm not sure accept that there are more Doms than subs, even though I am willing to buy that women get more responses than men when it comes to online personals. However, several of these men seem to be looking for "sex-without-arguments" rather than a D/s relationship. Consider, for instance, the message I received the other day: "u horny?" That was all. Yes, it was a "response," but be serious. That's like saying that a woman got asked out on a date when she had been the object of a wolf whistle.
Second, I appreciate that it is harder to write to each and every submissive that you find interesting, but I can tell you that a "canned" message will not get the job done. You're wasting time. You are wasting time that could have been spent writing a good message to one submissive you actually find interesting. Think quality instead of quantity. Choose more carefully; use your consideration; think about who would want under your wing. Email accordingly.
Now, I can already hear the defensive "well, look at the numbers out there" response, so I will repeat that selecting someone carefully will be harder. Okay, then. Get reconciled.
Most women are used to the fact the life is unfair, that the world is unfair. We live in a patriarchy, after all. Women work harder for less. They work harder for less money, less respect, and less advancement. Is that unfair? Yes. Does it makes it harder? Yes. Are the odds stacked against women? Yes. Do I wish I could change it? Yes. But I can't change the world. So, I get reconciled. I do what I have to do to get what I want, even if it means working harder than I would like.
I suggest that you do the same. Is it going to take time? Yes. Might you write someone for weeks and it goes nowhere? Yes. Are the odds stacked against you? Yes. Get reconciled.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh, and I hope you understand that I'm not trying to put you down. I just think that you might be going about this in the wrong way. Instead of trying to figure out what a submissive wants or looking for a "how-to" list from submissives, think about what you want and look for precisely that woman. Instead of thinking about your search in fishing terms (i.e., cast the bait and see who nibbles), think about it like a job search; you wouldn't be successful if you sent your resume to every single entry in the want-ads, but you might (just might) land the right job if you focus in on it, write an amazing cover letter, and stand out at the interview as a well-informed and thoughtful candidate. It's harder and more discouraging and not guaranteed, but it's the only way to find what you are looking for. Get reconciled.
Sometimes, I have great trouble getting reconciled. It sucks (and not in the good way). Those times, I want to crawl into a cave. Preferably with eyesopened, who made me laugh. [:D]
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