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Consistency - 12/13/2006 10:51:04 AM   
prettichinadoll


Posts: 35
Joined: 12/16/2005
Status: offline 		Consistency

Submission is based on trust. How much a sub can submit to a dom, how much she can let go based on how much she can trust her dom. And trust is build upon consistency. Consistency between words and action, which sometimes we refer it as “honest”, or consistency of action through time and various situation.

I have to admit that I’m nit picking when it comes to consistency. Yet because I pay attention to details and have a good memory for small promises, I discover the sad truth that true consistent person is extremely hard to come by. More than often, it’s not the big promises that destroy the trust. Promises like “I’ll be responsible for you” or “I’ll never strike in anger” or “I’ll always take care of you”…it takes a lot to prove it true or false. How many times in life we come across circumstances which require action to prove such promises? Surprisingly, not very frequent…at least, not as frequent as we might imagine.

It’s the little things that shows one’s true character. I don’t need “life or death” situation for a dom to prove to me that they meant what they say. You have no idea how many people said to me “I’m busy right now, I’ll call you back later” and they NEVER did. Why is it so hard to keep a simple promise such as “I’ll call you back later”? We have all the reason, “oh…I forget.” Or “well, I’m so tired…” or “I just don’t think it matters that much”. No, that’s not the reason, that’s excuses. The reason is a simple four letter word “L.A.Z.Y”.  

Action speaks 10 times louder than words, and action that’s consistent with words, that’s like screaming at people saying “I’m a great dom!”Let me tell you something, as a sub to a dom, EVERYTHING, every little thing, matters. Trust is not build upon “saving me from getting crashed by a 10 ton truck” Trust is build up “do everything you said you would do”. If I can’t trust you to “call me back later”, how could I trust you with my body and my life? And I can assure you, my fellow subbie friends, people who can’t keep little promises, can’t keep big ones either. If they didn’t “call you back” after he said he would, he probably won’t “be responsible for you”.

Honest, patient, consistent, open minded and non-judgmental. Am I asking for too much?
 

_____________________________

Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.
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RE: Consistency - 12/13/2006 11:03:56 AM   
pissdoll


Posts: 343
Joined: 5/25/2005
Status: offline 		if you wait to find someone who will follow through with every single thing he/she says, you may wait for the rest of your life.

none of us are perfect.  you have to look at the core of someone.  find a person with good intentions, who really does make every attempt to follow through ALMOST all of the time. 

search for a potential partner as a realist....and look for flaws you can live with. we all have them.

(in reply to prettichinadoll)
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RE: Consistency - 12/13/2006 11:04:00 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Trust is also more than a one level thing.

I can't trust my partner to keep his phone on consistently.  I just can't.  It's his quirk and I learned to accept it- sometimes annoyed, but accepting.

I can still trust him to take care of himself, to take care of me, and to have a loving relationship with him.

You have a good point- consistency is important for us all to establish a strong foundation  and if there can be no expectation of consistency, there cannot be security.

But don't take it too far- being quirky and unavailable in one area does not spell doom for all.  Occasionally forgetting to return a phone call is not a mortal sin or relationship killer.  Knowing that my partner is NOT consistent in his phone being on allows me to work with him on that level.

We should have reasonable expectations for ourselves and others.  If there's a problem, communicating that problem clearly and working on expectations can help a lot. 

Sometimes though, people are just unreliable and you have to accept it.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to prettichinadoll)
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RE: Consistency - 12/13/2006 11:17:34 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		In theory for the most part I really agree with the OP. It is never the big issues that are the trouble but often how the small and day to day things that go awry pile up to cause such big damage. At the same time you have to keep things in perspective. I have quickly learned the man I am seeing will always tell me when he will call me next and it will always not be the case. I learned to not expect the phone call until I see his number pop up. Does not make me like or trust him any less.

At the same time though consistency is extremely important and often overlooked by many in the life. If you have committed to living a certain way or making decisions on certain things and do not follow through on that, regardless of the reasons, then problems will happen. A dominant who is not consistent in most things and certainly all important things are creating a roller coaster ride for their submissive and that is trouble with a capital T. This is also exponentially true in the building of trust stage of the relationship. My example, now it means nothing if he does not call me when he said, but if he would have done this early on in the relationship I might of thought bad thoughts that could have affected the relationship.

Does every little thing matter, that is too much to ask on anyone, nobody is a mind reader or controls their own universe so completely. There are realistic consistencies and expectations and those need to be communicated not assumed.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Consistency - 12/13/2006 11:50:47 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		If they don't *call you back* enough times, yup.......I'd stop placing any weight behind the phrase. Apply that to any situation.

Consistency can only be shown through actions, over time......promises don't need consistency.......keeping them does. If you are used to consistency, then the odd hiccup isn't a big deal, it's life.......but my relationship was built upon the fact that when he says something, no matter how small or insignificant, it happens.

agirl





(in reply to prettichinadoll)
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RE: Consistency - 12/13/2006 11:54:17 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: prettichinadoll

Honest, patient, consistent, open minded and non-judgmental. Am I asking for too much?
 


Only if you're willing to give this in return. I'm thinkin' maybe you're stugglin' with the non-judgmental part.

If you try to remember that people make promises with good intent, but often, make promises that they can't keep, that will go a long way towards having compassion for them when, not if, they falter.

Master Fire


_____________________________

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(in reply to prettichinadoll)
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RE: Consistency - 12/13/2006 11:57:11 AM   
QuietDom


Posts: 255
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline 		I like to tell people that I'm reliable... absolutely guaranteed to be late for everything.  You can rely on my being late with 100% confidence!

It's strange that no-one sees this as a sign of reliability and trustworthiness.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
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RE: Consistency - 12/13/2006 12:02:15 PM   
sophia37


Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		You had me in agreement right until you said that people who dont call back are "L.A.Z.Y."

Lazy my eye. People dont call back for a million reasons. I've been known to say I'd call back then get going on something else and entirely forget. Or if Im not looking forward to the conversation I may not call back based on fear. Or dread. I dread talking to you today because of the subject matter etc etc.

You seem hard to please. I hope Im reading that wrong. But I can tell you this, I may forget to call you back, and when you call me to remind me, I may profusely apologise. Because I am this or I am that. One thing I am not, is....LAZY.   

(in reply to agirl)
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RE: Consistency - 12/13/2006 12:06:47 PM   
prettichinadoll


Posts: 35
Joined: 12/16/2005
Status: offline 		I understand, of course, things happen. Life is unperdictable. But more than often, things happen because we screw it up. So the logic is "it is OK for a dom not to keep small promises, but we should trust them to keep the big ones none the less".

If there's already a solid fundation of trust, missing one phone call is not that big a deal. If my dad doesn't call me as he used to, I will not assume that he doesn't love or care about me. Because he has already proved to me with his consistent action all my life that he will be there for me.

But if I'm dating some one I don't know, should I wait until he dump me out of carelessness to know that he's not a responsible person? or should I observe his day to day action to know his character? Of course, missing one phone call is not a mortal sin. But keeping little promises such as making phone calls is also not that hard to do. and little things like these goes a long way.

_____________________________

Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
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RE: Consistency - 12/13/2006 12:14:43 PM   
prettichinadoll


Posts: 35
Joined: 12/16/2005
Status: offline 		"Lazy my eye. People dont call back for a million reasons. I've been known to say I'd call back then get going on something else and entirely forget. Or if Im not looking forward to the conversation I may not call back based on fear. Or dread. I dread talking to you today because of the subject matter etc etc. "

If you're not sure if you'll call me back, don't say "I'll call you back".

I know this person, when he's not sure if he can show up for a party, he said "I can't show up." and if he did make it, it's a nice surprise. I respect it.

If you know you'll forget, or you're afraid, or for whatever reason, Don't say "I'll call back". Don't even say it. If you know you'll not call, and you said "I'll call back", that would make it a lie.



_____________________________

Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.

(in reply to prettichinadoll)
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RE: Consistency - 12/13/2006 12:15:39 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: prettichinadoll
But if I'm dating some one I don't know, should I wait until he dump me out of carelessness to know that he's not a responsible person? or should I observe his day to day action to know his character? Of course, missing one phone call is not a mortal sin. But keeping little promises such as making phone calls is also not that hard to do. and little things like these goes a long way.

I agree- in the beginning, little things tend to mean a lot more than once you've got a long established history together.

This post is a lot more reasonable sounding and realistic than the first.  The logic is simply that we're all human, we all have our foibles and we all have to decide for ourselves what we need.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to prettichinadoll)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Consistency - 12/13/2006 12:30:20 PM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		The issue really boils down to behavior over time. If someone occasionally doesn't do as they said, it's just life getting in the way; if they constantly don't do what they promise, that is unacceptable. As we all know, a Dom has to be in control of himself first before he can reliably control anyone else. A Dom who constantly forgets, doesn't follow through, etc. is a Dom who is NOT in control of himself and that should be a red flag for anyone considering being his submissive.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Consistency - 12/13/2006 12:41:51 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: prettichinadoll

But if I'm dating some one I don't know, should I wait until he dump me out of carelessness to know that he's not a responsible person? or should I observe his day to day action to know his character? Of course, missing one phone call is not a mortal sin. But keeping little promises such as making phone calls is also not that hard to do. and little things like these goes a long way.


Well, in my experience,* observing day to day actions* is the definitive way of making those kinds of decisions. If you *don't know someone*.....what else do you have to go on?

Making phone calls is not *little things*, they can be like *appointments*..... if you constantly break arrangements with ANYONE, they begin to realise that making them with you will amount to little.

agirl



(in reply to prettichinadoll)
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RE: Consistency - 12/13/2006 12:56:47 PM   
Nosathro


Posts: 3319
Joined: 9/25/2005
From: Orange County, California
Status: offline 		greetings
 
I hold that any releationship even in this lifestyle is a two way street.  We all have expections as to what the releationship should be like.  Communication is very important and both should express what it is they are looking for.  Saddly sometimes one or both is not listening. 
 
quote:

Honest, patient, consistent, open minded and non-judgmental. Am I asking for too much? 

 
No..you are not asking too much. 
 
I wish you well
 
Nosathro

_____________________________

"The love of a slave girl is the deepest and most profound love that any woman can give a man. Love makes a woman a man's slave, and the wholeness of that love requires that she be, in truth, his slave." Magicians of Gor, page 31

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RE: Consistency - 12/13/2006 1:30:13 PM   
RedSavageSlave


Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: prettichinadoll

Honest, patient, consistent, open minded and non-judgmental. Am I asking for too much?
 


If you are.. then you are not alone.

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

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RE: Consistency - 12/13/2006 1:43:36 PM   
Siona


Posts: 242
Joined: 10/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedSavageSlave

quote:

ORIGINAL: prettichinadoll

Honest, patient, consistent, open minded and non-judgmental. Am I asking for too much?
 


If you are.. then you are not alone.



Add me to that list.

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
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RE: Consistency - 12/13/2006 2:58:32 PM   
prettichinadoll


Posts: 35
Joined: 12/16/2005
Status: offline 		I totally agree that being consistent should be a two way street. A sub should be consistent with what she said as much as a dom. both parties that involves in the relationship should take the same amount of responsibility in building the trust.

_____________________________

Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.

(in reply to Siona)
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RE: Consistency - 12/13/2006 3:21:10 PM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		i know LA hates ppl like this - but i observe and test people when i first meet them.  Testing others does not come from a lack of insecurity, but from a knowledge that people suck. 

Your "i'll never hit you"  Yes i know my Dom would not.  Coming from alot of bad choices and alot of men who for some god for saken reason end up hitting at the end of my relationships.  Had to know up front.  Testing works.

Little things are important as little things add up to the big picture.  A picture is worth a thousand words.  People are like puzzle pieces and i aim to put the puzzle together so i can get my picture.  They have all these little bits about themselves that all adds up into one larger picture.  The fact that they are inconsistant here, gives you a piece to the puzzle.  Yes you may want to keep an eye out on other consitancies.. but you cant very well say one or two pieces make up a puzzle.  Just one piece. 

Its not the pieces that matter but how they all add together.


_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

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RE: Consistency - 12/13/2006 3:44:10 PM   
prettichinadoll


Posts: 35
Joined: 12/16/2005
Status: offline 		Devilslilsister

That's what I meant by "every little thing matters", because they add up. I don't perticularly go out of my way to "test" people, but I do keep an close eye on their behavior under various circumstances. That's how I know people.


_____________________________

Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.

(in reply to Devilslilsister)
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RE: Consistency - 12/13/2006 4:08:36 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		Your not asking too much.  It's all those failed little promises that color that Red Flag.  Given time the bucket of Bull Shit get's too full and you write them off.  I have more then once.  I expect the little things for the most part to have follow thru! 

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The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

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