RE: Interests that don't match. (Full Version)

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Kalira -> RE: Interests that don't match. (12/10/2006 10:27:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

I was corresponding with a Dominant the other day and in the course of conversation I found that our interests were far, far apart. He was not local and was not relocatable. I am also not relocatable. He is into being primarily a "bedroom Top". I'm a round the clock kind of gal. His S&M interests were along the lines of spankings and such but "no heavy pain stuff". I'm a masochist. Etc, etc. When I told him that I didn't think that we were enough of a match to really pursue it farther he seemed to want to push it. Ultimately, his response was along the lines of "I can't believe you won't go out with me because I won't set you on fire."

So question.....if you find that your interests are far apart with someone....would you continue to pursue it?

It would depend on HOW far apart the interests were. For example; neither Master nor I wanted a LDR, yet we live in different states and neither of us can relocate. Master is a sadist who enjoys inflicting pain; I have a very, very low tolerance for pain. Master wishes to have me pierced; I have a terrible fear of needles.

The one thing that we did have in common was the KIND of relationship that we both wanted; Master/slave, complete and total power exchange.

Despite the differences, we are somehow managing to make this relationship work.

So yes, I think that even if there are huge differences, the parties involved can make it work if the differences are something that they are willing to work around or on.



happypervert -> RE: Interests that don't match. (12/10/2006 11:18:27 AM)

quote:

So question.....if you find that your interests are far apart with someone....would you continue to pursue it?

Maybe. I believe it is possible to connect with someone else on every other level so that kink is a secondary consideration. For example, I think a lot of dominant ladies are hot as hell between their ears, and if the chemistry was there I think it would be stupid to reject a relationship with one; it would make more sense to figure a way we could have "toys" we could both enjoy because there's no way either of us would turn submissive.

But I don't think most relationships start with that type of chemistry, and even if it is there a lot of folks would lack the imagination to make it work. So folks seem to pair up conventionally on "enough" personal compatibility and kinks and hope it grows into something more; in those cases it wouldn't make sense if kinks are far apart. As it is that "hoping for something more" part doesn't work out anyway and they only stay together because of the kink.



Quivver -> RE: Interests that don't match. (12/10/2006 11:38:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
So question.....if you find that your interests are far apart with someone....would you continue to pursue it?


I'm with the Perve, it's only a Maybe.  Since I want that between the ears connection and lack ton's of experiance I am willing to try, see where my limits do live.  That question of interests normally comes up when speaking to someone new, and  my lack of experiance combigned with the trust to share early on I've found a deteriant.  BUT, on the other side of that coin I've found just the reverse too where it's me who's asking what feeds them, what their interests are once I"ve become comfortable with them only to find they dont want to discuss it.  Which really confused the hell out of me! 

sigh, please ignore if this makes no sence, the pain meds for this tooth have me about gone...............




cjenny -> RE: Interests that don't match. (12/10/2006 11:43:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer



What you can control is your own issue with the being upset when someone else is hurt a little by your actions/ words.
Thinking about the fact that they have not reached the same conclussion yet may be your best first step in that.
Kinda like readying yourself for the kick of a rifle, you know it's gonna happen and their is nothing you can do but ride the recoil.




well that is exactly what i needed to hear today, the same thing happened to me last night with the same reaction of guilt. ty for posting that Archer.



SmokingGun82 -> RE: Interests that don't match. (12/10/2006 2:19:32 PM)

I've tried compromise to the degree that the first post discussed... both of us were just looking to be with someone, anyone, and we had a lot of good conversations... but it was doomed from the start.

After a month, when I felt more alone than I ever had being single, I realized the mistake. Fortunately, she came to the same realization about the same time, and we parted as friends. But the experience did make me decide that it's better to be alone than to try to force something.

So to answer, no, I wouldn't pursue a situation like that... again. :)



timeoutgurlie -> RE: Interests that don't match. (12/10/2006 3:10:02 PM)

Lol at the line he used about setting you on fire, that's classic.

Personally, no, if the greater majority of our interests aren't the same, we aren't compatible IMO, so why would I bother? 

Compatibility matters in everything, even peopel who only get together to fuck are compatible on those terms.  No matter how shallow or how deep the relationship is, compatibility is the hub of what keeps it going.



asubmissiveheart -> RE: Interests that don't match. (12/10/2006 3:20:46 PM)

Mistofern, ma'am shared interests are very important.
If not, there is no real relationship.
I hope you have better luck in the future, ma'am.



Petruchio -> RE: Interests that don't match. (12/10/2006 4:14:37 PM)

quote:

So question.....if you find that your interests are far apart with someone....would you continue to pursue it?


Nope.



RiotGirl -> RE: Interests that don't match. (12/10/2006 6:43:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

While I realize that it would be rare for two people to be identical in what they are ultimately seeking and some compromise is really a given, I think that "we are very different people looking for very different things" is a perfectly valid reason to say that you do not wish to pursue it further. I don't know....he seemed to think it was a foolish reason to discount any further possibilities.....and he also seemed to take it rather personally.


Personally "looking for different things" and 'different" interests are two different things.  While my dom and i are on the same page when it comes to what type of relationship we want - we do have completely different interests when it comes to what we enjoy in the kink setting.  Some of them match up, but for the majority of them - i think we are different.  I also think interests change as we grow and evolve. 



Voltare -> RE: Interests that don't match. (12/10/2006 7:49:10 PM)

Smokinggun makes a great point, though not in the direction he intended, I think.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with dating someone for a little while.  Trading emails is, at best, a superficial way to get to know someone.  Casual relationships sometimes turn into something much stronger, and they beat the heck out of spending every night in front of a screen.

Though for mistsoferin, obviously you're not going to pack up and fly cross country to meet a man you feel 'lukewarm' about.  A guy who is pushy because you don't want to continue correspondence is actually a little creepy.  I would happily be friends with someone who doesn't match my interests, though the quality of that relationship would likely not be BDSM centered, and be just that, casual friends.  



DigitBox -> RE: Interests that don't match. (12/10/2006 8:44:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

So question.....if you find that your interests are far apart with someone....would you continue to pursue it?


It depends. I have a list in my mind of must haves to be compatible and then there are the give or take things that I can live without if the other person isn't into it.

Also sometimes I've overlooked some must haves because the person was cool to play with in a way that sort of met my needs as well as theirs.

So like one guy wasn't into heavy rubber stuff but the bondage play was lots of fun.  So it turned out to be a good thing.

But for a guy I've never known before hand and he's trying to push things when they obviously not going to work.  No I wouldn't try and keep that spark alive.



MisPandora -> RE: Interests that don't match. (12/10/2006 9:15:40 PM)

I had a similar thing happen to me the other day that left me asking, "Why are you after me?"  Check out a similar post (entitled Shared Interests) we've got going on the mistress boards about pursuing people that you're not all that compatible with :-)



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Interests that don't match. (12/10/2006 9:22:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

So question.....if you find that your interests are far apart with someone....would you continue to pursue it?

If I didnt see anything worth pursuing... then no, I wouldnt pursue it.  For me, there has to be at least a starting base even if there is going to have to be compromises and adjustments later on.  I dont necessarily want complete and absolute compatibility (I never would have met Angel had I needed that) however without at least enough shared interests to connect on initially I dont see where we could expect things to go anywhere. Sounds more like he just didnt want to be alone.  He mght have been willing to make a lot of compromises to try and make things work. 
And for me, I am NOT necessarily willing to go out with someone if they dont seem to even stand a chance to "set me on fire."

DV 



marieToo -> RE: Interests that don't match. (12/10/2006 9:36:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

I was corresponding with a Dominant the other day and in the course of conversation I found that our interests were far, far apart. He was not local and was not relocatable. I am also not relocatable. He is into being primarily a "bedroom Top". I'm a round the clock kind of gal. His S&M interests were along the lines of spankings and such but "no heavy pain stuff". I'm a masochist. Etc, etc. When I told him that I didn't think that we were enough of a match to really pursue it farther he seemed to want to push it. Ultimately, his response was along the lines of "I can't believe you won't go out with me because I won't set you on fire."

So question.....if you find that your interests are far apart with someone....would you continue to pursue it?


In a case like you describe here erin, no, I would not pursue it.  There at too many things (major things like location issues) that just wouldnt make it do-able.

However, if there are alot of things that align with mine, and I feel a particular chemistry or energy exhange with the person, Im not going to reject the possibility of something developing because he has certain kinks or likes/dislikes that I do not share. 
There are alot of things I could overcome, just as vanilla people engage in relationships when one loves the ballet and the opera and the other loves poker and baseball games.
Conversely everything can align in a practical sense; location, kink, interests etc, but chemistry can be absent.  Thats enough reason for me to reject it also. 
I have found that some people lead completely with their heart and others lead completely from place of 'practicality'.  Its really all about a person's priorities and what they place the highest value on in their relationship pursuits.
 
For myself personally,  it would depend on how vast the differences were and how much (if any) chemistry I was feeling with the person.



crouchingtigress -> RE: Interests that don't match. (12/10/2006 10:13:10 PM)

quote:

So question.....if you find that your interests are far apart with someone....would you continue to pursue it?


that would depend....if i am in an adventurous or charitable mood, or if he had a special skill or attribute, i would probably check it out.



FelinePersuasion -> RE: Interests that don't match. (12/10/2006 10:14:41 PM)

no.
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

if you find that your interests are far apart with someone....would you continue to pursue it?



marieToo -> RE: Interests that don't match. (12/11/2006 7:01:22 AM)

erin:

Yes.  Run with it. 

Thanks for asking. :) 

email won't go through so Im responding here.





mistoferin -> RE: Interests that don't match. (12/11/2006 7:28:01 AM)

thanks marie [:)]



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