RE: Intolerable Cruelty?

RE: Intolerable Cruelty? (Full Version)

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marieToo -> RE: Intolerable Cruelty? (12/9/2006 7:34:32 PM)
FR to OP: This is not antagonism, just an honest observation.... In between the lines it would appear (to me anyway) that you like it and you don't want it to stop.

Powerman40 -> RE: Intolerable Cruelty? (12/9/2006 7:36:45 PM)
Its a form of torcher, he knows it and your the sub that is in his control. oddly enough, a sub can torcher back. I have the same problem with a submissive woman I work with. she makes sure I know she is submissive and yet, not available, cuffed earings, the necklace nobody would know is a collar, the suttle leaning against or bending over the desk. she don't want me, like your roomy, they just want to tease and torcher. soooo, play the game if it works for you, if not, don't. S

jamesthehumanrug -> RE: Intolerable Cruelty? (12/9/2006 7:37:24 PM)
i had many so called a-sexual best girl-friends who were not a relationship to me and actively dreaming and looking for another type all together; realyze ,when you say "thats like foreplay to me ." you are flirting ;after a while you learn ,to not react, or, to be annoyed ,at their latent-desires for you .show no value-judgements at all ;they then feel free to express themselves ,without being called on it; then you see WHO THEY ARE; not who you are all the time.... warn your friends, too ;oh', that's,JUST how he is etc;(YOU CAN HANDLE ,' S's, VERY VERY easy ,NOT UN-LIKE SOME WOMEN HANDLE MEN VERY VERY easy ); don't pay attention; it's no skin off your nose; you can use him, as a "token-s", or fantasy ,for those auto-erotic moments, when you're ,TOO drunk ,or really ,too desperate ,to care who you come to ,in your mind; you don't have to worship* everyone that comes down the pike wearing an 's' , on their forehead! you have an S roomate ;celebrate! : IT IS funny;( ha ha),SO laff ,about it!! .... IT COULD BE WORSE; YOU COULD BE PLAYING HIM W/ YOUR LATENT DESIRES FOR A MISSING S,BY CRAWLING AROUND HIM ALL THE TIME "NOT INTERESTED"; YOU COULD HAVE WASHED UP ,WITH A SICKENING M ,OR BOTTOM,TOO ; MY WORST BLIND-DATE![&o] quote: ORIGINAL: Kalyndrah I have a problem I need some help solving/dealing with. My roommate, and consequently one of my closest friends, and definitely my closest local friend, is also in the scene.... actually, also acive on collarme. We met here, and chatted for a while online, then I went to see him. Fun weekend for the most part, we "hooked up", hung out, and I went back to my room alone and went home the next morning. I thought we hit it off, and we did, just apparently not that way, but I invited him to come up here and room with me when he said he wanted a change. He said a couple of days after he got here, he realized he was not attracted to me "in that way". The problem here is not that he is not attracted to me and I want him something awful. That I can deal with. The problem is that he is constantly teasing me. He knows I'm a switch that's more sub than Dom, yet he's constantly leaving bruises, even after I've told him that's like foreplay to me. And his excuse is "I'm a sadist, you know that." Why tease someone in a sexual manner, almost constantly, knowing you're not attracted to them in a sexual manner, and they know that as well? To me, that's just not right, sadist or not. But he's my roommate, he's one of my best friends, and I don't want to kick him out, but I don't know what else to do. Anyone got any suggestions?

Kalyndrah -> RE: Intolerable Cruelty? (12/9/2006 7:47:02 PM)
Yeah, I do like it. What masochist doesn't like pain? Come on! Compartmentalizing - I do it all the time. Leave work at work and home at home. This one, eh. Don't want to compartmentalize the BDSM and the vanilla me. I consider them ... erhm... chocolate/vanilla swirl? hehe I'm just going on the suggestions here, but you're right - I shouldn't do that one. As far as not reacting... eeeeeh... kinda hard not to go OW FUCK THAT HURTS!!! .... or in the opposite direction since pain actually calms me most of the time... and take a nice pause and a deep breath in the midst of a freak-out. Just depends when he does it. James, sweetie, I didn't understand half of what you said. What I want is for my friend who doesn't want me to stop doing more things to make ME want HIM. Does this make a little more sense now? Or is this one of those cases of "There's nothing more irresistable to a man than a woman who is in love with him?" (Thank you Countess from Sound of Music) Though I'd not go as far as love. Lust, definitely. Love, no. And if so... how the HELL do I get from despite him being completely evil, he's so freakin HOT, and a pretty damn cool person, to ah, haha that hurt... not hot.. haha. I think I'm going to permanently change my name to Confused.

Noah -> RE: Intolerable Cruelty? (12/9/2006 8:16:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kalyndrah .... What I want is for my friend who doesn't want me to stop doing more things to make ME want HIM. Does this make a little more sense now? Or is this one of those cases of "There's nothing more irresistable to a man than a woman who is in love with him?" (Thank you Countess from Sound of Music) Though I'd not go as far as love. Lust, definitely. Love, no. And if so... how the HELL do I get from despite him being completely evil, he's so freakin HOT, and a pretty damn cool person, to ah, haha that hurt... not hot.. haha. I think I'm going to permanently change my name to Confused. It is seldom wise or fair to draw a conclusion based on one side of a two-sided story. In say this in agreement with a poster from the previous page. So not to conclude anything, but to offer an very subjective observation of a very subjective account of what's going on in that house ..... There might be two people here who want something similar to what they now have, but more. Whether in response to a deep sense of not deserving what they really want, or for quite different reasons, they both may be actively settling for a compromise between what they want (think they want, anyway) on the one hand, and what they feel they deserve, on the other. Taking into account that one thing certain people seem to want out of life is a string of things to publicly complain about so as to become the center of a bunch of attention which is inevitably at least partially negative. Then again maybe it's just something in the water. Have you tried Fiji? You want to suffer for this guy, Kalyndrah, and you are. Somebody pass the beer nuts.

SusanofO -> RE: Intolerable Cruelty? (12/10/2006 4:04:06 AM)
marieToo: This is off the topic, but I just had to say it. I really like your pic and your profile (and no, I am still not trying to seduce you, hehe). I am in the process of re-writing my own, and trying to get some pics up (at least that I can send), and have been perusing profiles (I usually seem to read them, but moreso lately). I think you have an amazing profile! Really. Good "sample" and inspiring to read. Yours delineates a lot of what you will and won't do, etc. in an upfront yet inoffensive way (maybe it's because I am a Pisces, but I seem to have a harder time than some being "clear" about some things like that, even though I am not stupid). Anyway - to the OP: Maybe read some profiles here? I am an unabashed "weirdo" in that I will read almost anything, from the backs of bottles of aspirin and hairspray in my medicine cabinet (know all of the ingredients in some household cleaning and medicinal items by heart, should anyone ever "quiz" me with a gun to my head and ask me to recite them (Really. Like that's gonna ever happen, hehe. And no, the gun-to-my-head image isn't a "fetish" of mine). I also read news magazines, novels, and yes - Collarme profiles (for either sex, and regardless of "preferences"). There are some amazingly well written and interesting ones out there by women (and yes, from men, too, but right now I am talking about the girls). The profiles for submissives and slaves, have been particularly helpful to me lately, as far as delineating for me some things that I myself might want to 1) Get more clear about for myself and 2) Considering where I really "stand", or else maybe will cause me some "trouble" in some form, later down the road, if I don't think them over. Sometimes, I read other people's profiles and think: Wow, this person knows themselves so well! Why didn't I think of talking about X or Y in my profile? , etc. It's an "off-beat" suggestion, but it's one you can do at your leisure, is free of charge, and can be done in the privacy of your own home and head too. Plus, it can be kind of interesting, I think. It can take awhile, but it can (I think) make one stop and think - what am I really looking for, etc.? I can't give too much advice here, because I don't know all the details of your situation. But - good luck to you. - Susan

angharad -> RE: Intolerable Cruelty? (12/10/2006 4:34:28 AM)
Kalyndrah, based on what you have said, this is what i think, and it is just what i think and i can be wrong. quote: I've asked and asked for it to stop, so it is no longer consentual, if it ever was. #2, it's not possible. He's stronger and faster. I've asked him to stop and he continues, even after I've gotten to the point I flinch more often than not when he comes within touching distance. LOL Normally I'd associate that with an abused spouse or SO, but this is just me anticipating being a sadist's plaything quote: Yeah, I do like it. What masochist doesn't like pain? Come on! Do you think it is clever to be so blaise about your boundaries? In one post you are saying he is abusing you, yes that is what you described and in another you are laughing saying its because you like pain. I suggest this to you, ask another masochist how they would feel about someone who continued a non consentual situation. Ask a masochist if she or he has accepted abuse because they like the pain, hey they are a masochist! Of course some do, but it is normally part of a negotiated consentual agreement, be it a relationship or during a one off play. From what you have said, you do not have a relationship, you say you have a friendship. The crucial element here whether a relationship or friendship is trust. Can you trust someone when no doesnt mean anything to them? What you have described at best is youthful fooliness and at worse an attitude that could leave you hurt or damaged. The situation you are in, where you are letting wishful thinking affect your decisions and safety, is not a wise one. Define your boundaries and keep them. If that means asking him to leave then ask. I think in this case actions speak louder than words and I suggest you look at your own and his actions quite starkly and decide what you want. If this seems a little harsh, its meant to. You are out of control in this situation and only you can take it back. that said I hope things do work out for you and wish you the best. angharad

MmakeMme -> RE: Intolerable Cruelty? (12/10/2006 5:38:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kyraofMists Clearly define your boundaries for this relationship and communicate them. Be direct and blunt. If he violates those boundaries after they have been explicitely established, then in my opinion, he isn't much of a friend to begin with. Knight's kyra A-MEN! You cannot force him to be the friend ~you~ want him to be. All you can do is define your own rules and stick to them. It is obvious he will do what he wants. "I am a sadist, you know that, Friend," does not sound acceptable to me. It sounds like a bit of a mindfuck and it seems cruel on an emotional level. Why on earth do you say this person your "best friend"? It gives him too much leeway, it seems, to hurt you and to cross your stated boundaries. Is he acting like a friend? Doesn't seem like it to me.

agirl -> RE: Intolerable Cruelty? (12/10/2006 5:46:35 AM)
I'd say he's doing it simply because he can. He can because you let him. If you really don't want it, put a stop to it, you're not helpless.....but I have a feeling that you don't mind THAT much, really..... agirl

SirLordTrainer -> RE: Intolerable Cruelty? (12/10/2006 5:48:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sadisticmaster11 He says He is a sadist and you should believe him. Obviously, he is not into it for your pain and suffering and sex. Sex is not His ULTIMATE reward, it is your pain (physical) and misery (mental) that makes Him happy. For some, sex is the reward; for some, the reward is orgasms; for others, the reward is simply causing pain and misery. He has you right where He wants you and you keep playing His game. Embrace it or move on. Those are your two best options that I can see. I wish you well. Ditto.. The equasion of love doesnt have to relate to S&M. Or even affection for that matter. Take kyra's opinion and blend it here and youll have your answer..

Kalyndrah -> RE: Intolerable Cruelty? (12/10/2006 10:10:48 AM)
Thank you all for your insights and suggestions. After a long discussion my roommate and I have made some progress. The solution that has been found is not one I want, but it is a healthy one, and boundaries are cemented and respected.

marieToo -> RE: Intolerable Cruelty? (12/10/2006 8:57:25 PM)
thanks Susan.. I don't want to hijack either, but I think our OP is off being tortured at the moment anyway (and I know she's loving it) so I think its ok to respond here. If it's any consolation, I had a very hard time writing it (the profile too). I waited first and foremost till I felt ready to 'prowel' again, then I sat there not knowing where to begin. I changed the first draft because I read it and it sounded so angry and jaded (but you know how that happens with all the crap we get in our mail boxes) then I toned it way down and I realized there was no "marie" in it. So I went back and threw a touch of heat back into it. Anyway, my point is that it was hard for me too. I hope it narrows down the responses and helps to weed out the ones who shouldnt waste their time. It seems like a pragmatic approach, which isnt usually my style, but it's ok for now. I feel very self conscious about even leaving it there. I dont know, with the photo and all, I feel nude or something, not sure if I will remain comfortable with it. But I purposely put up an obscure web cam photo. Not to mention, I tried several others but was denied. I still feel like someone I know is going to happen upon it and I'll be snagged as a perv. I have apprenhensions about becoming involved again, but life forges on. I think it's time. Yours will come together as well. I suggest just taking one chunk of it at a time. Write alittle here and there, then when you feel good about it, slap it up there. :)

crouchingtigress -> RE: Intolerable Cruelty? (12/10/2006 10:43:14 PM)
~drools at the new you~[;)]...i agree great profile....gave me goose bumps....

SusanofO -> RE: Intolerable Cruelty? (12/10/2006 10:50:27 PM)
marieToo: Thanks for the encouragement. I like to write, but what information I want to put in a profile - well, the list of things I may want to mention just keeps getting longer and I feel like I am going to end up w/a 2,000 word profile or something. Pics: AAArg! I have a friend who is really tech-savvy that is supposed to come over between now and Tuesday and help me get some up. If she doesn't show, or is too busy (she is very busy) I am going to just say "screw it" and go buy a web-cam. I know the pics I want to use, they are all recent, etc. But I still am not sure about replacing my avatar w/a pic - I do work w/unmentionables, and there are plenty of people on here (CM) from my home town, and I only know most of them by their nics - I have not met them. Sorry to hi-jack the thread - But, I do really think that reading and writing a good profile forces someone to think about what they have to offer, and what they want. - Susan

Celeste43 -> RE: Intolerable Cruelty? (12/11/2006 6:53:05 AM)
He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you to find someone else because then he'd lose the cushy living arrangements. So he's deliberately keeping you at fever pitch and confused over him so that you can't move on with your life. Me? Next time he tried it, I'd have a pitcher of cold water nearby and throw it at him, telling him it was to help him cool down. I'd follow that by packing his bags, leaving them on the doorstep and changing the locks. But I don't like manipulative bastards.

Aubre -> RE: Intolerable Cruelty? (12/11/2006 7:08:26 AM)
It seems a little Venus-in-Furs with the roles reversed. There are people who are willing to be abused and enslaved to a person who has no love for them, fully understanding that if the person they are serving finds another person they will either abondon them or keep them as slaves while they have their loving relationship with someone else (perhaps they think that eventually the person will fall for them , and maybe it will happen). Is this you? If it isn't you, or you reach the point where this isn't you any more, you need to kick him out and move on IMO.

Devilslilsister -> RE: Intolerable Cruelty? (12/11/2006 9:40:11 AM)
-Yeah - actually that paragraph Did raise red flags to me. So i've a few questions. How long have you known him? Was it an off/on "know" or a deep introspective "know"? Do you know of any of his past relationships? What happened with his ex's? End well/mutually/not well? What kind of a "Dom" is he? Kind/gentle/harsh/ect? How long have you two been living together? How long has this been going on? Has it been getting progressively worse/stayed the same? When did he say he was "not interested? Before he moved in/after? Is he currently seeing anyone else? how does he interact with other subs? What specific steps have you taken to tell him to stop? Is it possible there could be some other MO here that you havent thought about? em.. yeah - at the moment - i cant think of any other questions that might help me figure things out better.

Missokyst -> RE: Intolerable Cruelty? (12/11/2006 10:08:57 AM)
You have laid down your boundries and allowed him to pass. Of course he will continue to trod on you. It would not be acceptable to me. The man would be yanked by the short hairs and nailed to a board. People tend to do what they can get away with, unless you show them they can't. Kyst

Phoenix2raven -> RE: Intolerable Cruelty? (12/11/2006 4:56:19 PM)
He said: Some times it seems like there should be a show called Doms behaving badly. It appears that he may want a play partner with no strings attached. On the other hand it could be miscomunication/boundaries. In any case it is still your call if you dont want him to then tell him to stop. If you have consented to "play" take the consent away. If he continues that makes it abusive and intolerable. I dont keep friends around if they dont play by the rules i.e. SSC or RACK. Good luck hopefully you will not loose a good friend and he will respect your boundaries.

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