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Intolerable Cruelty? - 12/9/2006 6:48:00 PM

Kalyndrah

Posts: 69
Joined: 5/29/2006
Status: offline

I have a problem I need some help solving/dealing with.
My roommate, and consequently one of my closest friends, and definitely my closest local friend, is also in the scene.... actually, also acive on collarme. We met here, and chatted for a while online, then I went to see him. Fun weekend for the most part, we "hooked up", hung out, and I went back to my room alone and went home the next morning.
I thought we hit it off, and we did, just apparently not that way, but I invited him to come up here and room with me when he said he wanted a change. He said a couple of days after he got here, he realized he was not attracted to me "in that way".
The problem here is not that he is not attracted to me and I want him something awful. That I can deal with. The problem is that he is *constantly* teasing me. He knows I'm a switch that's more sub than Dom, yet he's constantly leaving bruises, even after I've told him that's like foreplay to me. And his excuse is "I'm a sadist, you know that."
Why tease someone in a sexual manner, almost constantly, knowing you're not attracted to them in a sexual manner, and they know that as well? To me, that's just not right, sadist or not.
But he's my roommate, he's one of my best friends, and I don't want to kick him out, but I don't know what else to do.
Anyone got any suggestions?

Post #: 1

RE: Intolerable Cruelty? - 12/9/2006 6:49:15 PM

Kalyndrah

Posts: 69
Joined: 5/29/2006
Status: offline

Oh, and I'm supposed to be one of his closest friends, too.
How is this the behavior of a friend?

(in reply to Kalyndrah)

Post #: 2

RE: Intolerable Cruelty? - 12/9/2006 6:52:37 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

Clearly define your boundaries for this relationship and communicate them. Be direct and blunt. If he violates those boundaries after they have been explicitely established, then in my opinion, he isn't much of a friend to begin with.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to Kalyndrah)

Post #: 3

RE: Intolerable Cruelty? - 12/9/2006 6:54:27 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

As Kyra said define your boundaries. A friend would respect those and not make you miserable. If he cannot live with that then maybe it is best he moves on.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to Kalyndrah)

Post #: 4

RE: Intolerable Cruelty? - 12/9/2006 6:55:40 PM

whisperedsighs

Posts: 349
Joined: 11/12/2006
Status: offline

It doesn't sound like the behavior of a friend to me, but all I am seeing here is the a part of the story.

If he is not attracted to you "in that way" then he should not be touching you. The impression I am getting from the limited amount of information you have provided is that he is an opportunist, and has taken advantage of your feelings.

_____________________________

oh my god that was so wrong! .... again please!

(in reply to Kalyndrah)

Post #: 5

RE: Intolerable Cruelty? - 12/9/2006 6:58:22 PM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
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Sounds to me like ya all need to set some rules to live by.
Although I have to questions ~best friends~ in what appears to be such a short time.

my only guess into his actions would be that he's got some demons picking at him where your conserned.
and rather then speaking up, he's acting out instead. i'd suggest talking.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to Kalyndrah)

Post #: 6

RE: Intolerable Cruelty? - 12/9/2006 7:02:01 PM

sadisticmaster11

Posts: 21
Joined: 8/11/2005
Status: offline

He says He is a sadist and you should believe him. Obviously, he is not into it for your pain and suffering and sex. Sex is not His ULTIMATE reward, it is your pain (physical) and misery (mental) that makes Him happy.

For some, sex is the reward; for some, the reward is orgasms; for others, the reward is simply causing pain and misery. He has you right where He wants you and you keep playing His game.

Embrace it or move on. Those are your two best options that I can see.

I wish you well.

(in reply to Kalyndrah)

Post #: 7

RE: Intolerable Cruelty? - 12/9/2006 7:08:40 PM

Kalyndrah

Posts: 69
Joined: 5/29/2006
Status: offline

"my only guess into his actions would be that he's got some demons picking at him where your conserned.
and rather then speaking up, he's acting out instead. i'd suggest talking. "

So far, I like this one best LOL especially since there are more little naggles that I decided not to mention as they're not entirely pertinent.

He has read my post and all of your replies up to Quivver's post (from my computer while I'm sitting there waiting), said commented that one of you was cute, said "interesting" and left the room.

(in reply to Quivver)

Post #: 8

RE: Intolerable Cruelty? - 12/9/2006 7:10:34 PM

redvampiredragon

Posts: 2
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline

I have to somewhat agree with SadisticMaster. Though I think that you might be missing a portion of the story. Maybe there are other reasons he does it. Like maybe you are just not his type though you are when it comes to the bdsm side of things.

(in reply to sadisticmaster11)

Post #: 9

RE: Intolerable Cruelty? - 12/9/2006 7:12:58 PM

Kalyndrah

Posts: 69
Joined: 5/29/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sadisticmaster11

He says He is a sadist and you should believe him. Obviously, he is not into it for your pain and suffering and sex. Sex is not His ULTIMATE reward, it is your pain (physical) and misery (mental) that makes Him happy.

For some, sex is the reward; for some, the reward is orgasms; for others, the reward is simply causing pain and misery. He has you right where He wants you and you keep playing His game.

Embrace it or move on. Those are your two best options that I can see.

I wish you well.

Unfortunately, I agree with you as well. However, while I do not want to move on, I do not know how to embrace this behavior from him and my reaction to him and continue happily on.
We've talked. I've laid out my boundaries, I've made it known that he's making me miserable and I'm about to snap.
But there has been no progress. I do not want him to move, and since I own the joint with my parents, that's not really an option for ME. So I realize my other choice here is to embrace it, but my big question here is HOW?

(in reply to sadisticmaster11)

Post #: 10

RE: Intolerable Cruelty? - 12/9/2006 7:15:06 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I would be more curious as to why you continue to play with him if you are having these problems. There is a very simple solution, dont play. He cant leave bruises, foreplay or not, if he isnt given the oppertunity to do so. If you are still alowing him to touch you in that manner, then he has no reason to alter his behavior. You say no, but yet you still let him get what he is enjoying. Put your foot down and draw your line. If he is truly one of your best friends, then that line in the sand wont end the friendship, just change the physical interaction. If the friendship isnt as sturdy as it would seem, then its best to find out and start moving on rather than staying in the situation.

My 2 cents
DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to redvampiredragon)

Post #: 11

RE: Intolerable Cruelty? - 12/9/2006 7:15:19 PM

whisperedsighs

Posts: 349
Joined: 11/12/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalyndrah

"my only guess into his actions would be that he's got some demons picking at him where your conserned.
and rather then speaking up, he's acting out instead. i'd suggest talking. "

So far, I like this one best LOL especially since there are more little naggles that I decided not to mention as they're not entirely pertinent.

He has read my post and all of your replies up to Quivver's post (from my computer while I'm sitting there waiting), said commented that one of you was cute, said "interesting" and left the room.

If you want good input, and advice with limited information to the story, you will more then likely not get that. What you have shared so far doesn't lend itself to a fair assessment of what you are going through. In the end, it is you living in this situation, you who needs to decide what it is you want and need, and if it is being met by this person, or if you are better off seeking your needs elsewhere.

_____________________________

oh my god that was so wrong! .... again please!

(in reply to Kalyndrah)

Post #: 12

RE: Intolerable Cruelty? - 12/9/2006 7:15:54 PM

Kalyndrah

Posts: 69
Joined: 5/29/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: redvampiredragon

I have to somewhat agree with SadisticMaster. Though I think that you might be missing a portion of the story. Maybe there are other reasons he does it. Like maybe you are just not his type though you are when it comes to the bdsm side of things.

If there are other reasons he does it, I'd really like to know so I can stop doing whatever it is I'm doing that's inviting these reasons. I'm well aware I'm not his type outside of the "bdsm side," but I can't separate the two ... because I'm only one person and this is all me. I don't really compartmentalize that way, even if I knew how.

So now my questions are: How do I embrace this behavior, and how do I compartmentalize the me with the feelings and the BDSM me?

(in reply to redvampiredragon)

Post #: 13

RE: Intolerable Cruelty? - 12/9/2006 7:16:37 PM

whisperedsighs

Posts: 349
Joined: 11/12/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sadisticmaster11

He says He is a sadist and you should believe him. Obviously, he is not into it for your pain and suffering and sex. Sex is not His ULTIMATE reward, it is your pain (physical) and misery (mental) that makes Him happy.

For some, sex is the reward; for some, the reward is orgasms; for others, the reward is simply causing pain and misery. He has you right where He wants you and you keep playing His game.

Embrace it or move on. Those are your two best options that I can see.

I wish you well.

Very well put.

_____________________________

oh my god that was so wrong! .... again please!

(in reply to sadisticmaster11)

Post #: 14

RE: Intolerable Cruelty? - 12/9/2006 7:16:49 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

ask him why he is comfortable crossing the line you have drawn.

ask him what does he think that that behavior says about the sort of person he is.

ask him what that behavior says about the sort of friend he is.

he will become uncomfortable....he has just been called out, he will attempt to squirm or laugh it off.....he will try to gain the upper hand, how ever he controls you, just stay calm...and repeat your questions.

and through this level of disciplined, calm, focused introspection, my guess is you will learn quite alot about him and maybe even more about yourself.

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to sadisticmaster11)

Post #: 15

RE: Intolerable Cruelty? - 12/9/2006 7:20:27 PM

Kalyndrah

Posts: 69
Joined: 5/29/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

I would be more curious as to why you continue to play with him if you are having these problems. There is a very simple solution, dont play. He cant leave bruises, foreplay or not, if he isnt given the oppertunity to do so. If you are still alowing him to touch you in that manner, then he has no reason to alter his behavior. You say no, but yet you still let him get what he is enjoying. Put your foot down and draw your line. If he is truly one of your best friends, then that line in the sand wont end the friendship, just change the physical interaction. If the friendship isnt as sturdy as it would seem, then its best to find out and start moving on rather than staying in the situation.

My 2 cents
DV

DV, thank you for your input. Maybe I'm just a weaker link here, but the whole "don't play" thing is #1, Not entirely accurate, and #2, not possible. It's not play. It feels like it to me, he does it for his own joy, but it's not play, as I've asked and asked for it to stop, so it is no longer consentual, if it ever was. #2, it's not possible. He's stronger and faster. I've asked him to stop and he continues, even after I've gotten to the point I flinch more often than not when he comes within touching distance. LOL Normally I'd associate that with an abused spouse or SO, but this is just me anticipating being a sadist's plaything. Ugh.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 16

RE: Intolerable Cruelty? - 12/9/2006 7:21:08 PM

whisperedsighs

Posts: 349
Joined: 11/12/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

ask him why he is comfortable crossing the line you have drawn.

ask him what does he think that that behavior says about the sort of person he is.

ask him what that behavior says about the sort of friend he is.

he will become uncomfortable....he has just been called out, he will attempt to squirm or laugh it off.....he will try to gain the upper hand, how ever he controls you, just stay calm...and repeat your questions.

and through this level of disciplined, calm, focused introspection, my guess is you will learn quite alot about him and maybe even more about yourself.

Spoken like a true dominant woman!

_____________________________

oh my god that was so wrong! .... again please!

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 17

RE: Intolerable Cruelty? - 12/9/2006 7:25:01 PM

whisperedsighs

Posts: 349
Joined: 11/12/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalyndrah

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

I would be more curious as to why you continue to play with him if you are having these problems. There is a very simple solution, dont play. He cant leave bruises, foreplay or not, if he isnt given the oppertunity to do so. If you are still alowing him to touch you in that manner, then he has no reason to alter his behavior. You say no, but yet you still let him get what he is enjoying. Put your foot down and draw your line. If he is truly one of your best friends, then that line in the sand wont end the friendship, just change the physical interaction. If the friendship isnt as sturdy as it would seem, then its best to find out and start moving on rather than staying in the situation.

My 2 cents
DV

DV, thank you for your input. Maybe I'm just a weaker link here, but the whole "don't play" thing is #1, Not entirely accurate, and #2, not possible. It's not play. It feels like it to me, he does it for his own joy, but it's not play, as I've asked and asked for it to stop, so it is no longer consentual, if it ever was. #2, it's not possible. He's stronger and faster. I've asked him to stop and he continues, even after I've gotten to the point I flinch more often than not when he comes within touching distance. LOL Normally I'd associate that with an abused spouse or SO, but this is just me anticipating being a sadist's plaything. Ugh.

Anyone else seeing red flags?

_____________________________

oh my god that was so wrong! .... again please!

(in reply to Kalyndrah)

Post #: 18

RE: Intolerable Cruelty? - 12/9/2006 7:26:08 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

The moment he crossed a line where you fear him, you call the cops and have him removed. If it is not consensual, and you are obviously unhappy with it, it is abuse and should be treated as such. Especialy if it is YOUR home he has come into. I have been in a situation similiar, and the long term situation will not be getting better. If you dont put a stop to it, no one else will.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to whisperedsighs)

Post #: 19

RE: Intolerable Cruelty? - 12/9/2006 7:28:06 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

quote:

and how do I compartmentalize the me with the feelings and the BDSM me?

i am not sure i know what you are asking...but when i hear the words compartmentalize i think that the person is looking to keep some parts of them selves secret and or separate form other parts. i dont recommend this idea, because although it may look like a good idea, it can lead to self esteem issues later on.

quote:

How do I embrace this behavior,

let me ask you ...why would you embrace a behavior you do not like?

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to Kalyndrah)

Post #: 20

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