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SusanofO -> RE: Humiliation (12/8/2006 2:14:21 AM)
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I will think more on this question - because this isn't an answer (below) that hones in enough (for me) on what makes this activity preference different for me than some others, and since it is a favorite of mine, there must be something about it that (to me) makes it extra special..and I feel this answer needs more work.
But - here's what I can tell you so far...
There's something about it that feels extra-intimate to me and makes me feel ultra-controlled, and (sometimes also) extra-safe. It really brings home to me, and usually kicks into over-drive - that need I seem to have to feel I am pleasing someone in a way that really matters to them (which is already very present in me, I think).
I have not usually felt another person was ever just doing it to make fun of me, or get their kicks solely at my expense or anything like that.
But - (and I cannot empahasize this enough) - it has to be the "right kind" of humiliation.
I do differentiate between humiliation and degradation - and I think this is one "kink" where that line is very differentiated between people (as it always is, of course, but I feel it really, really is within this particular activity preference).
It can't be ham-handed or over-done right off the bat. But I like it when it intensifies (usually). Don't mean to sound topping-from-the bottomy or anything, but it really is something I need to "work up to" in a scene, in steps re: Actions requested of me that are increasingly intense (or else things that just stay at the same "level" of intensity). Whether this takes 10 minutes, all day or night, or several weeks, depends on the activity in question.
Things I know I'd not appreciate: Someone screaming (or even saying) things they hated about me as a person, or making fun of me in front of other people. Slight or moderate condescension is okay, but not blunt, direct, hateful comments (I realize this is all subjective, but I know it when I feel it, and know if it feels great - or not.
Someone tried this on me once (very blatant public embarrassment of me, verbally) in what I felt was a pretty severe way (and I like humiliation and am not a shrinking violet type, normally) , and believe me, I may be a submissive, but I can "give as good as I get" in this area, if I feel I need to "defend myself".
Private humilation is always something I know I'd I like better than anything public - Except -
When it comes to - Exhibitionism and things like "foot service" and being ordered to do things for someone else in an "obedience training" mode for someone, and then being verbally graded (hopefully favorably) on my "performance" re: Whatever the activity was: Serving snacks, serving something else, or something more "sinister", perhaps.
I've fantasized about a lot of things I may not ever do (or maybe I would someday, who ever knows?) Pony play scenarios where I'm used by potential "buyers" at an auction, etc.- although that would certainly require extensive pre-discussion as I am unsure I am emotionally able to handle some thngs I fantasize about). Humiliation requires so much trust (for me) in someone slese, though - that if we are both involved in a scene and it works well, it makes me feel much more emotionally bonded to them.
I appreciate much lighter-level forms of it as well (someone saying "good girl" in the right context, might be seen as humiliating by some people) - which brings me to wondering...
What actually I'd classify under the heading -Damagingly Humiliating. I am not altogether sure of that. I need to think about it more. I really don't have a huge ego, so, usually, if I don't want to "feel humiliated" by something, I usually just kind of talk myself out of feeling that way (if that makes any sense). I try to act like it just never happenend at all. Of course, the better someone knows you, the more they know your "soft, weak underbelly".
If it is not done with care and concern for me, I can end up feeling very, very betrayed and hurt like almost nothing else could hurt me (even something physical, I'd bet). But - I really like humiliation as a bdsm activity. It feels so....personal. To do it well, I feel someone has to have bothered to get to know me, (but that's an opinion, I realize, that is not necessarily everyone's).
But usually, it's made me feel safe and warm and ultra-controlled and like I am getting a really good bit of personal attention from someone, and have "gone the extra mile" to please them. I love those feelings. They make me want to please someone soooo much (and I love it when they let me know I've done just that, it'a so encouraging)! Like the other person is really protective of me and also that they truly do have my psychological welfare in their hands (and can do whatever they want with it).
There are quite a few things I'd cl;assigy under the "Humiliation Big-Top" in general (for me). But how humuliating they are depends on the particular context.
To me, sometimes "obedience trainiing" and "begging" are things I'd classify as humiliating, even though they are listed as separate activities on the CM Interest Lists.
I tend to devolve (or evolve?) into not using whole sentences in a scene, just breathing the word "please, oh please" over and over in a low, pleading, sweet (hopefully) tone of voice. I seem to use that word please a Lot, more than almost any other, I think. I am not sure why, it just make s me feel gooood.
- Susan
I could also like it because I was humiliated as a child a slight bit in my family (but that was soooo long ago, and so infrequent I'd not classify it as parental abuse at all I'm not "holding it against" my mother because she really didn't do anything out of the ordibnary as far as parenting is concerned -(I'd know if she had, because I do volunteer work with abused kids).
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