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SusanofO -> RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? (12/6/2006 9:25:02 PM)
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I don't have a "policy" on how to handle this, I just kind of feel my way through it on an individual basis. I know this doesn't sound precise, or maybe even make sense, and it might sound dangerous But - I usually end up answering almost any question someone might ask (unless I sense they are an HNG (Horny Net Geek - trolling for just talk about sex, period. Not interested in any kind of friendship or relationship at all). If they are an HNG, it's usually pretty obvious to me right off the bat, or after a few e-mails.
Differentiating the two, for me, is that someone who is not an HNG (to me) will attempt to make some social conversation for at least a few paragraphs or e-mails that does not revolve around bdsm activity. I am not sure how other submssives feel about this, but for me, that is how I generally decide if they are one or not. I hate "labelling" people, btw, and don't particularly like that term, but only used it because it does instantly convey the kind of things these folks do (most people know what a person like this acts like, amd unless I miss my guess, many submissives and-or slaves have been contacted a person like this).
Maybe I've passed up talking to some wonderful people due to jumping to conclusions about them being HNG's. Hope not. But - a little social converasation matters (to me) and also deeper conversation as well - I am trying to get to know the whole person. if they narrow the conversation down that way right off the bat, I can't get to know them as well as I'd maybe like to know them.
But - I don't mind talking about bdsm activity (at all), or my preferences. It's a lot nicer (to me) if someone attempts to make an effort to at least ask about me as a person, first - I agree with missturbation. Otherwise I feel like an object only (I appreciate Objectification, but can't we "know eachother better" first? hehe).
But - when one considers that I've not committed to seeing anyone, or having activity with someone, in the span of a few simple e-mails, I feel not very threatened by bdsm talk of preferences, etc. I enjoy it as much as the next person. But I do want to attempt get to know someone before I "engage" (and I am not referring to cybersex here - although I have no problem with people who enjoy that. I mean discussing why people like what they like, and what specifically about it makes them happy. Or just general bdsm questions I don't know the anwers to or are curious about, for instance.
There have been people I've e-mailed who think when I ask questions about bdsm actvity in general that I am more than simply curious, when the honest-to-God's truth (97% of the time, unless we've established some kind of "relationship") is it's usually simply sincere intellectual curiosity I am operating under, not "horniness". If it was personal, my question would relate much more specifically to them as an individual.
I can understand why this possible mis-understanding might happen, but whenever I'v e brought this up to the person I am e-mailing or someone else, (which I've only done twice) I seem to get one of two reactions from people: They treat me like I was a rape victim who "led someone on" by wearing a skirt that was too short, or else they say "well what would you think"? I've seen these same people say things to others like:
"There is no such thing as stupid question, you should feel free to ask questions", etc. I can maybe see why this might happen but - Well - which is it? Can't a person just ask questions and be curious? How else am I supposed to learn anything here? I suppose I could read books (and I do. Someone here a few months ago gave me a whoile reading list and I am working my way through it. I asm grateful they did, too). Maybe some people think I am an HNG (I am not and never have been).
Whether delving into bdsm talk we both want (if it happens at all) takes a day or a month, or a few months or a few weeks - is all "situationally determined" (and between us only).
On the internet, I can also (still) at this early point, decide if I simply have no taste for what I am experiencing with someone, and I am still on my PC - I am not in their living room (or mine), or in one of our bedrooms. That does make me feel safer than if I were at a bar or a bdsm house party somewhere, and just meeting someone for the first time - despite all of the "drawbacks" one can list about dealing with people on the internet.
I do seem to get a "vibe" re: What someone is like after a few e-mails, and especially if they correspond a lot on the message boards here (or even a little). That is one thing I end up sometimes wishing some did more often. Somebody might write, and they've maybe been a member here for two years or something, and they've never written anything on the CM message boards - at all. Or one or two things at most. I realize I might write more than a lot of people, but it does help me feel like I know someone a bit better if I can read some things they've written.
If I sense someone, for some reason, is just "too twisted" (for me) in some way (and that has happened once or twice, although I do consider myself pretty "liberal" in terms of what I am willing to attempt as far as bdsm activity, and have had only one long-term bdsm relationship, but have asked lots of questions since I've been here. And also been asked quite a few), then - I either just ignore a question, or pretend I didn't see it as a question, or just say: "I'd rather not talk about that just now, if it's okay". If they don't like that, well - nobody has (yet) reached through the screen and tried to kill me for it (hehe).
Of course, there was one time when my judgment was very "off". But I do learn from my mistakes (or try to do that).
- Susan
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