Curious as to "Time limit" (Full Version)

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notjustsomesub -> Curious as to "Time limit" (11/28/2006 12:41:22 AM)

I have spoken to many a Dominants, and submissives.. most are very "eager".... sometimes too much so.... what exactly is a "Proper" Courting period, before a collar would be offered?

In retrospect, i have been offered a collar within 2 weeks of "chatting" online... HOW do you secure the intentions of a Dominant (or submissive) online?

Jeannie- always curious
aka- always a smidge



ownedgirlie -> RE: Curious as to "Time limit" (11/28/2006 12:45:31 AM)

It really varies, but my Master would not collar me until we knew each other at least six months.  We met online in June, he took ownership of me in person in August, and I received his collar in January.  I've known some that wait years.  I've known others that knew immediately. 

Think of it this way - how long, more or less, would you want to know someone before becoming engaged or married?



BitaTruble -> RE: Curious as to "Time limit" (11/28/2006 12:50:44 AM)

It took me two years to earn the collar of Himself and we lived together for an entire year before he actually collared me.. we've now been together for 11+ years, so IMO, slower is better. :)

Celeste



sleazy -> RE: Curious as to "Time limit" (11/28/2006 12:52:07 AM)

Have to agree with ownedgirlie on this one, depending on the depth of the intended relationship. For long term, I would treat a collar as seriously as conventional wedding rings or similar according to society/beliefs. If the relationship is to be more casual then personally I would not consider a collar of ownership apt or necessary.



notjustsomesub -> RE: Curious as to "Time limit" (11/28/2006 12:55:50 AM)

i certainly agree... it shows responsibility but, as a sub... how do you deal with the longing, and the yearnings? saying "Yes Master" is a longing, perhaps a sefish one... but still there. i already know i am #1... being the greedy sh*t i am, desires more.  *smile*



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Curious as to "Time limit" (11/28/2006 12:59:18 AM)

Angel and I knew one another for 4 months online before we met face to face the first time.  It was another 2 months before we saw one another again face to face and he got his collar then.  I had planned on waiting until after I was moved, but we both knew we wanted to stay together and so since the collar gave him a much needed sense of security, I had no problem doing so before I left that second time.
All in all, we were together 6 months before he got it.

DV



notjustsomesub -> RE: Curious as to "Time limit" (11/28/2006 1:01:52 AM)

Thank you DV!... i guess that is the beginning of the words i sought... security.  Does anyone else understand this?



ownedgirlie -> RE: Curious as to "Time limit" (11/28/2006 1:08:10 AM)

Well, I got married really young because I wanted to say "This is my husband," (followed by childish squeals, lol).  I left with barely the shirt on my back,  years later, nearly destroyed.  Ownership, like marriage is a pretty significant thing, in my opinion, and should not be taken lightly. 

In my situation with my Master, ownership did not equal collar.  He owned me in August.  He collared me in January.  I was calling him Master well before I was granted his collar, as he had already taken ownership of me and was mastering me.  The collar sealed our commitment to each other.

In my case, he is #1, not me, and a collar was not granted until I truly believed that.  As for longings, I still have them, but for other things.  I have learned to relish in them.  I love aching for him, as it causes me to feel him internally.  Then again, patience was a very difficult trait for me to learn.  Very difficult, indeed, lol.



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Curious as to "Time limit" (11/28/2006 1:10:29 AM)

Well, I obviously do.  The sense of permanency a collar represents means a lot of secrity for someone.  It makes the whole thing more real, somehow, since you are being given a token that tells you without a shadow of a doubt that the Dominant you are with intends to keep you. For Angel and I, he needed that reasurance becasue we were going to be long distance for an undetermined length of time, and we werent going to have a chance to see one another at all.  With an arrangement like that, the collar I gave him proved to him that I was very serious about my desire to keep permanently. Since he is confident in my desire to keep him, he has been able to handle the distance far better than had he not had his security blanket.

DV



notjustsomesub -> RE: Curious as to "Time limit" (11/28/2006 1:18:31 AM)

i think we are on the same page... i married at 17... and again at 22, been single for 10 yrs now. this is the FIRST time, i have actually been in control of my own life.. that is the only reason i said i was #1. my thoughts of Him consume me, even as i fight for my independance. i am submissive, i am indeed HIS submissive, but always wonder, if i am pushing the bar? He prefers to see me independant... i prefer not to be a doormat. Giving up this control that i have achieved is not going to be a easy task...it is not going to be easy. a total mind f*ck IMO.... i am curious as to the strategies used, to overcome this? i would definately love to hear from Dominants as well... what would be Your expectations of your new sub?



notjustsomesub -> RE: Curious as to "Time limit" (11/28/2006 1:31:27 AM)

This touched me, because it IS me. i didnt realize others would understand my commitment... even tho i was Uncollared. i kinda get tired of the ones who see an uncollared submissive as a free lunch. While i am in NO hurry to dedicate myself to another... i do desire to have that feeling of belonging... the words uttered, are just words.... i talk in my sleep anyways  *wink*



notjustsomesub -> RE: Curious as to "Time limit" (11/28/2006 1:42:44 AM)

I completely understand & respect what you have shared.... it is indeed very open minded... i am not sure, however, on how to pass this along, respectfully.... without sounding demanding?



sleazy -> RE: Curious as to "Time limit" (11/28/2006 1:54:39 AM)

Whilst I can appreciate the security and symbolism of a collar, there is only one thing that makes you his, and that is your personal feeling that you are his.
quote:

Giving up this control that i have achieved is not going to be a easy task...it is not going to be easy. a total mind f*ck IMO.... i am curious as to the strategies used, to overcome this? i would definately love to hear from Dominants as well... what would be Your expectations of your new sub?

As for giving up the control, having been in a similar situation in the past where a lot of the time the sub was busy running her own life and family surrendering to me when I was around was not always as easy or complete as we both wished it could be. There is unfortunately no quick fix, no snapping of fingers and all becomes perfect. I would suggest giving up one piece of life at a time, perhaps even for each piece you volunteer to surrender completely he gets to pick one you must surrender completely too. As an example, one thing that was given up was her choice in TV viewing, a nice easy one for her to start on as we has more than a few similar tastes in viewing, for my part I took control of what meals were cooked and their timing. As time went by more and more was given up, more and more taken until we were both happy with how things were. No jumping in the deep end and making a horrible mess, more a gentle walk from the shallows together



SamKeithsslave -> RE: Curious as to "Time limit" (11/28/2006 2:01:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: notjustsomesub
I have spoken to many a Dominants, and submissives.. most are very "eager".... sometimes too much so.... what exactly is a "Proper" Courting period, before a collar would be offered?

In retrospect, i have been offered a collar within 2 weeks of "chatting" online... HOW do you secure the intentions of a Dominant (or submissive) online?


I asked a similar question when I first joined here, wondering what was the "norm" for people. I had been offered a collar after one week online with my new Master. I had known him however for over a year, so he wasnt/isnt a complete stranger.
I say do what your comfortable with and if you wish to take the collar do so. However, dont make the mistake I did with my previous master, dont wait too long before you meet face to face, unless of course you are happy to keep it online, as some people are.
Securing intentions is not easy online, which is why I recommend meeting as soon as plausible etc. In an online D/s relationship a lot of blind faith and trust is required until you can confirm it in person. Go with your gut.



sleazy -> RE: Curious as to "Time limit" (11/28/2006 2:09:00 AM)

Good point SKS, I would say meet as soon as reasonably safe, comfortable and practical to do so. Online it is all to easy to build up a fantastic mental image of someone, fall madly in love with them and then feel let down when the reality fails to match the picture built in the mind when physically the spark just isnt there.




SamKeithsslave -> RE: Curious as to "Time limit" (11/28/2006 2:15:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sleazy

Good point SKS, I would say meet as soon as reasonably safe, comfortable and practical to do so. Online it is all to easy to build up a fantastic mental image of someone, fall madly in love with them and then feel let down when the reality fails to match the picture built in the mind when physically the spark just isnt there.


Thanks, if nothing else I have learnt from my own failures - lol. My new Master and I intend to meet for the first time in the new year. I'd like for it to be sooner, but he has work commitments and I have family commitments. In the meantime we continue to build on the mental side of the relationship



vield -> RE: Curious as to "Time limit" (11/28/2006 2:18:38 AM)

This is a question which comes up often for both dominants and submissives.

Our culture has much competitiveness, and is bent towards instant gratification on many levels, so people seeing ads here from someone they find attractive often will push to make a connection faster than is wise. Naturally this is fueled by the thought if I don't get him/her now someone else will.

Additional confusion occurs when the people involved do not understand the importance of honesty, of open communication. When one is a bit confused about what they need or want, they may not be ready or able to negotiate to make sure they are talking about the same stuff as the person they are interested in.

One basic need is to understand what the terms mean to everyone involved. Whatever one's gender or power level, one may understand terms from your perspective, which may be very different than that of the person you speak to.

The word collar has many meanings. In terms of BD/SM relationships it is a relatively recent term, which came into widespread use as the on line BD/SM community grew in the 90's.

Before that the verb to collar was a police term meaning to capture. The capture of a suspect was often referred to as a collar.

There are people who still think in these terms, and catching a new sub is kind of another notch on their bed post.

To others giving or getting a collar is a deep long term committment equivalent to or even deeper than an exchange of wedding rings.

For yet another view, we have the folks who compete to give or collect collarings much like some college kids seek fraternity pins.

Thus it is very important for you to understand what you are talking about, and very important that you and your potential partner both understand what the partner is talking about too.

My word is very important to me, and I do not give it lightly. I may connect on a very deep level with another almost immediately this first time we get together, but I am NOT going to be offering or accepting any long term committments until we have known each other well for a long time.

If somebody seeks a short term play contract to get together for a regional event or a play party, this could be something they see as a collaring.

I certainly prefer contracts. With a contract everyone involved gets to see in writing what the expectations are, and to negotiate this.

As usual your mileage may vary.

vield



sleazy -> RE: Curious as to "Time limit" (11/28/2006 2:24:46 AM)

Yield, Thanks for that, you managed to put many of my thoughts down whilst I went and pretended to do some real work for a few minutes :)  Whilst a collar (symbolic or otherwise) is a different thing to different people for me it implies the same amount of commitment any regular "marriage" would, although not necessarily with the same duties/responsibilities.

SKS, Must admit, long ago I made the same mistake. Being a considerate person I never asked about a real life meet but waited for the matter to be brought up, by which time we both had these wonderful ideas of what each other was like based on a few photographs and video clips, then come the meeting the vital "it" factor just wasnt there. Now I have the opposite problem, I generally wish to meet reasonably quickly, but trying to do so without appearing to be predatory can be quite difficult. Hmmm, theres one for the Q for subs when I get round to it I suspect :)



SamKeithsslave -> RE: Curious as to "Time limit" (11/28/2006 2:36:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sleazy
SKS, Must admit, long ago I made the same mistake. Being a considerate person I never asked about a real life meet but waited for the matter to be brought up, by which time we both had these wonderful ideas of what each other was like based on a few photographs and video clips, then come the meeting the vital "it" factor just wasnt there. Now I have the opposite problem, I generally wish to meet reasonably quickly, but trying to do so without appearing to be predatory can be quite difficult. Hmmm, theres one for the Q for subs when I get round to it I suspect :)


We had planned a real life meet, it just never happened, it kept being put off one time after another.



sleazy -> RE: Curious as to "Time limit" (11/28/2006 2:38:49 AM)

I know how hard it can be, even when not geographically seperated by much distance :(



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