RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? (Full Version)

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BubeeMike -> RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? (11/24/2006 2:26:13 PM)

Well I am new to this site, and this is my first post here so , "Hello all". I am sorry to hear what you went through. I am the personality type that likes to know "why" but unfortunately I don't make the rules nor do I always get to know why. I have to remind myself there is really no peace in "the why" only in acceptance. My resentments are formed from replaying the situation over and over in my head. To resent is to relive.

This has me thinking of a situation that I am actually guilty of. It has inspired me to start a new post.


Sincerest Regards,

Mike



Mstr2you -> RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? (11/24/2006 4:11:59 PM)

Okay the guy was a prick, a loser and a user. Lots of them around.
In my opinon the warning sign was that the guy is willing to wait 8 weeks before wanting to play.  What the fuck is the point of waiting 8 weeks to do what it is that brought you togeather. Are we looking to date or get tied up for christs sake. Does it really take 8 weeks to know if we want to be with someone or is that just some unwritten rule here? I think the sin wasn't that it didn't work out because she at least tried to find what she was looking for, no the sin what that it took so long to find out.

I think people into D/s may be more prudish than those in the vanilla world. I think the poster ( who sounds very sincere and for whom I have nothing but sympathy for her pain) would have been better off spending 2 hours at a coffee shop talking about what it is they are both looking for than 8 nice dinners out , unless of course she was eating lobster and drinking cristal  champagne in which case I say fuck the play and go for the food and boose.



sophia37 -> RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? (11/24/2006 4:25:45 PM)

The good news is, he said it wasnt anything you did! Just let it be!

Listen. Be the compassionate person that you are. You had a good time, you felt good about the man and something, who knows what, came up to stop him, that he cant tell you about.

Im sorry you felt the need to write and write and write. I probably would too. I just hope the things you wrote were kind and caring. Sometimes you need to let the people you care about go. Tht says a lot about a person. When they let it be out of caring. If it was right, it might have come back to you.

It looks like you pushed too hard. Im not saying you were wrong. Im saying it just didnt work out.

So just understand, that you ARE desirable. The man said it himself. Do not doubt. These things happen. Ive had my own share. So You'll be fine. You've learned a lot already. Just dont forget what you now know. Its to your credit really.



eroticangel -> RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? (11/24/2006 4:54:09 PM)

 thank you all for your advice......i have daughters at home imtempting...they are grown but i have never been one to bring anyone home while they live with me....i guess that is something from within me....of course i have dated,,,but when it was over i guess i always knew it too...this time i was broadsided.....He had even givien me a couple small gifts. not that that makes a difference, it was just another thing that made me think He was for real  Of course i have had experiences both BDSM and vanilla...and i have been out and dated. this time it just hit me differently deeper......

again i thank you all for your words and advice, i feel better already

roe

edited because i spell like shit!



FirmhandKY -> RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? (11/24/2006 5:25:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I guess she did it quickly because she came downstairs to hear him on the cell phone telling someone he loved them and would be back by the afternoon.
She decided not to say a thing.  But, that was the last time she saw him.  Now and then his name would light up on her buddy list, but it wouldn't be for over a second or two.  She felt dumped, used, and wondered if he was married.  I believe she even sent him an email or a few because eventually she said he blocked her.


*sigh*

kyst, I realize that this didn't happen to you ... but, pray tell ... why wouldn't she say a word?

And, on my first reading, I wasn't sure if it was she that decided not to continue with him, or vice versa.  You sound unsure as well.

Maybe he was talking to one of his kids?  Or his mother?

But it looks like she instantly made an assumption, was afraid to confirm or deny it ... and then let the relationship die out of fear and anxiety.

Because she was afraid to ask?

Why do some women do this?  Assume the worst, all the time, and then work to make the worst reality?

FirmKY



Missokyst -> RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? (11/24/2006 5:49:24 PM)

I am not sure why she didnt say anything to him. 
But I would say she made an assumption which was probably right.
Since, he didn't contact her and though she often saw him come online, he never messaged her. Plus, there was that blocking thing when she did email him.
Sometimes 1+2 does = 3.

In her situation, I would have asked.  But even if he made up a story to tell me, I would have come to the same conclusion that he was done with me, had he avoided contact after.
It doesn't take a brick, ya know?



swtmistris -> RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? (11/24/2006 6:18:13 PM)

After reading all of the great responses, I just want to add that it happens to Dom/mes as well. I have been duped by several, but, yes, life does go on. It's their loss. You seem very sincere and I wish you all the best. Swtmistris/Barbara



raiken -> RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? (11/24/2006 6:50:47 PM)

Hi eroticangel,
 
The prevous responses have already covered most of what i would have expressed, so i just wish to add, a very big understanding hug...~smile...and that my very first online experience in meeting someone ended like this...  We met once for a nice long dinner and leisurely walk, we discovered that we shared many interests...we then continued to talk and email, and he asked me if i would like to meet again for a longer amont of time...i said yes, because i felt comfortable with him...he was about 3 hours away...in 6 weeks we were to meet again for an entire weekend...it felt nice between us so far.  The very morning of our next meet, about an hour before i had to leave, he called me...with the news that he wasn't all the way truthful with me.  Then he told me that he had a wife, a child and another on the way.   ~the feeling that hit me racked my entire body...i still haven't the words to describe...part of me felt like the biggest fool on the planet...it sucked big time...so much so, that i even dropped offline again for a while...and that was my first attempt at dating since my break up of a 15 year relationship.  ...if for nothing else, i can say that i did need to have these type of experiences, to gain that needed wisdom to learn a new way of communicating and interacting in an online public venue...and get better at navigating this new playing field...cuz really, it is just like anything else in life, not all the experiences are going to feel great or end great, but the lessons are priceless.  The key for me, is to never have to repeat a lesson. ~grin...  ~glad to read you are feeling ba bit better...~smile



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? (11/24/2006 8:18:09 PM)

To the OP...Quit analyzing.............you analyzed because you assumed ,as every person assumes ,that it was because of something they did or said.Sometimes ,if not most of the time ,it is never!! about "you".....I will await a posting from you in the future,when you find the true (yes forum posters, I said the T word..grin)Dominant for you.....in the meantime ..head up, chin out...smile..[:)]...Tempting



LadyHugs -> RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? (11/24/2006 8:36:34 PM)

Dear eroticangel, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
In dealing with meeting others, there will be a time one can go crackers trying to understand the "why, what, when, where and how" a potential meeting/partner all of a sudden withdraws and gives no explaination--not even a lame excuse.
 
People can jump to conclusions and the assumed conclusions can fill a dictionary.
 
Men and women, Dominants and submissive types are no immune to being abruptly dropped like the 'hot potato.'
 
I will mention, that when someone asks for something to be left alone, to continue the poking just drives them to drive you/push you away.  Any chance for an explaination disappears.
 
Nobody knows the other side of the story and everybody can pick apart things.  But, the most important side to deal with is your present and future.
 
Only you and it goes with anybody else; that the only person we can control is ourself.  The rest are those who step in our circle and share space by invitation and or those who invade; with flavors or shades of both in between.  Dealing with personal issues is highly personal and you know yourself best.  Keeping your own head high, eyes forward and goals in sight; those who briefly touched your life and journey are insugnificant.  The one who stays with you for a long period of time are those I would say merit the thought that they are worthwhile and earned the right to walk along with you in your life's journey.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs



Missokyst -> RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? (11/24/2006 8:47:57 PM)

Oh HEL* yeah!  I would never have continued to prod, ever.  I MIGHT (but it is doubtful) have dropped a line to let him know I had a good time, after a few days.  But no way would I have gone into the what did I do wrong dialog.
I wouldnt do it as a sub, a woman, nor would I like it on the other side.
Different generation though.
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHugs

I will mention, that when someone asks for something to be left alone, to continue the poking just drives them to drive you/push you away.  Any chance for an explaination disappears.
 



Kree -> RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? (11/24/2006 8:54:22 PM)

While duped/dumped is never pleasant, I feel you should consider yourself fortunate.  You invested some time and emotion into a number of dinner meetings and one play period.  He could not maintain the situation for some unknown reason.  The conjecture expressed here about his motives, his possibly being married, etc etc, mean nothing.  What is important for you, is the simple fact that you found out that he was not a potential partner in a relatively rapid time frame BEFORE making a much deeper entry into the world of committment.

There is a lesson here.  Learn who someone really is before making any assumptions of a future.  Find out ALL the phone numbers (home, office, cell) before beginning the assumption phase.  If the idea is a little play, those numbers arent as important since both are likely looking for a little fun, not a future.  If a future is the desire, find out everything about the person and verify it before investing emotions.  When I was concerned with meeting people, I gave all of my numbers, my car tag, a picture of my drivers license, and my picture.  I also expected the same from anyone I intended to meet where a future seemed possible.  Even for simple playtime, I felt the two way exchange of information was necessary. 

As I said, feel fortunate.  Your investment wasnt that large and you learned the truth about him before you had months and months to mentally build a future with someone whose intent was building a list.



jblack -> RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? (11/24/2006 9:07:28 PM)

Well, I'm not sure I have anything to add that hasn't already been said. I just wanted to express my sympathies. I understand the need to have it all "make sense," but remember that he wouldn't make it make sense, even if he had the graciousness to reply to you. Anything you would get from him at this point would be bad: a lie, an excuse, a pathetic whine or regret. He can't give you anything worth having, so don't waste your time on the loser. Remember that the loss is entirely his; you wouldn't want to spend any more time on a jerk, which is what he proved to be in the end. I hope your next guy is a keeper.



SweetCaleigh -> RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? (11/24/2006 9:19:17 PM)

i, too, have been hurt on this site time after time.  i am lucky to have some friends of the lifestyle i can talk with and they seem to help me see the light in a different way. 
 
Now, if i am hurt by someone for any reason regarding D/s situations, i just chalk it up to "experience".



TxBlkMistress -> RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? (11/24/2006 9:49:04 PM)

Sorry that happened to you...sounds simular to something that happened to me....sure this guy wasn't from Philly...like the idiot that jerked me around?...lol 

All I can say is someday the pain will be less...and the part that's driving you nuts is the "why" and that will always be there a little....but eventually you'll move on.

My only suggestion is, like I see that SweetCaleigh was saying...just find a friend to talk to...it helps.   Because, for the most part, the people are nice here on the boards, but you have a few, as you can see by some of the post, that have to be negative and that's not what you need to hear, but just like that jerk, some people aren't happy until they are making everyone as miserable as themselves...just blow them off and read the ones that actually help. 

Use it as experience for the next time.   Good luck out there



eroticangel -> RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? (11/25/2006 2:37:00 AM)

again i thank you all for the kind words and advice.....Missokyst, just to let you know, i am almost the same age as you....and trust me, i hated myself for writing....but something seemed to take over my fingers......*smile*  i know i shouldn't have and i'm pretty sure i wouln't so it again...

i think i just needed some reinforcement from people who had "been there" again, thank you all for the comments, i appreciate all that you all have shared.


roe



eyesopened -> RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? (11/25/2006 4:12:58 AM)

i have had the opportunity to meet Doms and play or attempt a relationship where all of a sudden i find myself dumped.  Of course my first reaction is to beat myself up but you know what?  i've been the dumpor probably as many times as the dumpee and i remind myself of that.  Sometimes the connection goes only one way.  For example, i talked to a great guy for a long time before meeting in person, just a vanilla get-to-know-you luncheon.  When the food came, the Dom took out His denture, wrapped it in a napkin and asked me to keep it in my purse so it wouldn't get knocked off the table.  Okay, maybe it was shallow of me to be grossed out by this but i was.  Later that day i get the phone call of "had such a great time" etc.  i was numb and did the "me too" answer.  i then had to muster the courage to call Him and say "i'm sorry i just didn't feel the connection i wanted to".  i'm sure He tells the story differently, that he met a fake, a flake, a wannabe, but that's okay. 

Now i'm not saying you did anything wrong.  It's not always a matter of who is at fault, sometimes there's no one at fault, it just didn't work.  i feel badly for you but the best way to move on is to face forward (because that's the direction you want to travel) and put one foot in front of the other. 





SirDiscipliner69 -> RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? (11/25/2006 4:54:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened
i have had the opportunity to meet Doms and play or attempt a relationship where all of a sudden i find myself dumped.  Of course my first reaction is to beat myself up but you know what?  i've been the dumpor probably as many times as the dumpee and i remind myself of that. 


Sometimes perceptions are different. Sometimes We all look for something and can't find it or We find it parially or We project it. Regardless if We are honest with Ourselves and Our intentions I am sure things will work out for the best. Sometimes relationships are hard to understand in the context of vanillia let alone BDSM..it still goes back to communication. Sometimes pride and rejection get in the way of truth or colours the truth only to be related differently later after the emotion is removed. It is natural to react to rejection in a negative way but it is harder to grasp the facts and accept them adn yourself. To be happy with yourself is the first thing as others can not bring you that happines nor are they responsible for bringing you that happiness as it needs to be within before it can be nurtured to grow.

Hope your Thanksgiving went well for you and yours

Ross

Bon D' Age' : BDSM
http://tinyurl.com/yfqdf2
Designermite :
http://tinyurl.com/ueov5
Soul of Motorcycle Art
http://tinyurl.com/ybg73a



eyesopened -> RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? (11/25/2006 5:06:10 AM)

Dear Ross Sir:
*smiles* Any time i spend time with my grandson is time well spent.  i had a fantastic Thanksgiving and have much to be thankful for.  Happiness is not an entitlement, it is a choice.  No one can "make" us happy, we can only do that for ourselves.  If it takes making that choice daily, then we should because after a while happiness becomes a good habit.

Best regards



amuzingtoyou -> RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? (11/25/2006 8:57:38 AM)

To the OP i am sorry that this happened to you. As many have already said, it doesn't seem to make sense. Unfortunately you won't get the answers that you want. What you need to do is realize that something in him made so he couldn't or didn't want to move forward with you. As painful as that is to accept, you need to realize that sometimes things just don't work out. Sometimes its too painful for people to confront the other person, and let them know they just aren't into you. Did he take the cowards way out? IMHO yes. What is important to remember here is that its him who is missing out on getting to know someone wonderful. And now you are free to look for someone who is better suited to you. Please don't fall into the victim role here. Pick yourself up...dust yourself off...and realize not all men are like this. Not all men are going to hurt you. And in love you have to take chances. Good luck to you.
hugs.
missi.



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